Listen, when I first wrote this, there was a lot more cursing. I just thought you should know that.
Someone said to me the other day “Don’t worry about not being married, you’re only 25 and the average age of marriage is 26, you have plenty of time.”
Uh. First, I wasn’t worried. Should I have been? Now I’m worrying about not being worried so thanks for that. Second, I’m 26 not 25, so I think what you’re trying to tell me is that I should not only be worried, I should be freaking the freak out. Thanks for that too. Third, does this mean I’m below average or above it? Fourth, I’m pretty sure it means I’m below average which is considered failing.
Let me share a little something with you, I’ve never in my life been “below average”. I was always in the top percentiles for height and weight when I was a kid, I was always one of the smartest kids in my class, adults have been enjoying conversations with me since I was 5, I graduated from University early and with honors, I flew by myself to Africa twice, and never once have I been told that my teeth are anything less than exceptionally healthy. Surely, this lifetime of performing above average would apply to marriage as well. But it doesn’t. Why is that do you think?
Question: Why do we even need to have an average age of marriage?
Answer: To make single people older than the average feel like failures.
The average age of marriage for guys is 28.5. Seriously?! They get an extra 2 1/2 years??? This seems like another case of gender discrimination. Sure, it’s based on math, but last time I checked (and I check frequently) guys are better at math (according to a test performed by guys where only guys were tested). I’m just sayin.
I’m not really mad at the fellas though. Those lucky ducks get an extra 2 1/2 years before they have to feel like failures- I’m jealous. And, even when they become official “marriage failures” at 28.5 they don’t really become “marriage failures” they become “bachelors”. I get to be an “old maid” at 26. Brilliant. But really, it’s not about men v. women, or venus v. mars, or penis v. vagina, or urinal v. toilet, it’s about why the hell do we even need an average age of marriage at all? What’s the point of it? Why do we have to measure ourselves against one another in this way? It’s absurd. At least it seems absurd to a “below average” marriage failure like me.
How about, instead of telling people they need to be “worried” or “not worried” about whether or not they’re married, you say things like “Hey lady. Congrats on not marrying a douche bag just to get married.” or “Good on you for not mistaking desperation for love.” or “Who the hell cares if you’re married? You live a very happy life.” or “Congrats on your wedding, so happy you waited for the right person.”
I mean, is that completely insane? Probably. Such is my life. So, fine, I’ll play by your little average age of marriage rules. But you can expect something like the following when you say shiz like this to me.
You: Don’t worry about not being married, you have plenty of time.
Me: Time? Time is the one thing I don’t have! I’m aging backwards, pretty soon, I’ll just be a chubby little baby. Who will want to marry me then?
You: Do you at least have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes. Yes I do. His name is “writing a book”. I spend every night doing him.
You: Did you know the average age of marriage is 26? You’re 26, right?
Me: Yeah, I’m 26. That’s an interesting fact. Did you know the average age of insufferable skank is 28? You’re 28, right?
You: Maybe it’s time you settle down with someone.
Me: Maybe it’s time I get loco with someone. Like, full on insane. We can paint flowers on each other and dance in the middle of parking lots and eat food with our feet. Doesn’t that sound lovely? So romantic.
You: How’s your dating life? Any wedding bells in your near future?
Me: Not exactly. But I am positively flush with wind-chimes.
You: Hey! How are you?
Me: Geez! I’m not married ok??! Get over it. Arg!
You: So, anyone special in your life? Are we thinking he’s “the one”?
Me: Right now, all I’m thinking about is something I heard a wise Frenchman say in Monty Python “Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!” It just seems appropriate right now. I wonder why that is?
You guys tell me, what do you think about the average age of marriage? Necessary? Not necessary? Because, for me, the only thing that comes to mind is another Monty Python quote, “I’m being repressed! Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn’t you?”