The Average Age of Marriage Is A Bully

Average Age of Marriage
These kids are WAY above average. Although, it looks like a shotgun wedding to me. I'm just sayin.

Listen, when I first wrote this, there was a lot more cursing. I just thought you should know that.

Someone said to me the other day “Don’t worry about not being married, you’re only 25 and the average age of marriage is 26, you have plenty of time.”

Uh. First, I wasn’t worried. Should I have been? Now I’m worrying about not being worried so thanks for that. Second, I’m 26 not 25, so I think what you’re trying to tell me is that I should not only be worried, I should be freaking the freak out. Thanks for that too. Third, does this mean I’m below average or above it? Fourth, I’m pretty sure it means I’m below average which is considered failing.

Let me share a little something with you, I’ve never in my life been “below average”.  I was always in the top percentiles for height and weight when I was a kid, I was always one of the smartest kids in my class, adults have been enjoying conversations with me since I was 5, I graduated from University early and with honors, I flew by myself to Africa twice, and never once have I been told that my teeth are anything less than exceptionally healthy.  Surely, this lifetime of performing above average would apply to marriage as well. But it doesn’t. Why is that do you think?

Question: Why do we even need to have an average age of marriage?

Answer: To make single people older than the average feel like failures.

The average age of marriage for guys is 28.5. Seriously?! They get an extra 2 1/2 years??? This seems like another case of gender discrimination. Sure, it’s based on math, but last time I checked (and I check frequently) guys are better at math (according to a test performed by guys where only guys were tested). I’m just sayin.

I’m not really mad at the fellas though. Those lucky ducks get an extra 2 1/2 years before they have to feel like failures- I’m jealous. And, even when they become official “marriage failures” at 28.5 they don’t really become “marriage failures” they become “bachelors”. I get to be an “old maid” at 26. Brilliant. But really, it’s not about men v. women, or venus v. mars, or penis v. vagina, or urinal v. toilet,  it’s about why the hell do we even need an average age of marriage at all? What’s the point of it? Why do we have to measure ourselves against one another in this way? It’s absurd. At least it seems absurd to a “below average” marriage failure like me.

How about, instead of telling people they need to be “worried” or “not worried” about whether or not they’re married, you say things like “Hey lady. Congrats on not marrying a douche bag just to get married.” or “Good on you for not mistaking desperation for love.” or “Who the hell cares if you’re married? You live a very happy life.” or “Congrats on your wedding, so happy you waited for the right person.”

I mean, is that completely insane? Probably. Such is my life. So, fine, I’ll play by your little average age of marriage rules. But you can expect something like the following when you say shiz like this to me.

You: Don’t worry about not being married, you have plenty of time.

Me: Time? Time is the one thing I don’t have! I’m aging backwards, pretty soon, I’ll just be a chubby little baby. Who will want to marry me then?

 

You: Do you at least have a boyfriend?

Me: Yes. Yes I do. His name is “writing a book”. I spend every night doing him.

 

You: Did you know the average age of marriage is 26? You’re 26, right?

Me: Yeah, I’m 26. That’s an interesting fact. Did you know the average age of insufferable skank is 28? You’re 28, right?

 

You: Maybe it’s time you settle down with someone.

Me: Maybe it’s time I get loco with someone. Like, full on insane. We can paint flowers on each other and dance in the middle of parking lots and eat food with our feet. Doesn’t that sound lovely? So romantic.

 

You: How’s your dating life? Any wedding bells in your near future? 

Me: Not exactly. But I am positively flush with wind-chimes. 

 

You: Hey! How are you?

Me: Geez! I’m not married ok??! Get over it. Arg!

 

You: So, anyone special in your life? Are we thinking he’s “the one”?

Me: Right now, all I’m thinking about is something I heard a wise Frenchman say in Monty Python “Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!” It just seems appropriate right now. I wonder why that is?

 

You guys tell me, what do you think about the average age of marriage? Necessary? Not necessary? Because, for me, the only thing that comes to mind is another Monty Python quote, “I’m being repressed! Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn’t you?”

39 thoughts on “The Average Age of Marriage Is A Bully

  1. Great post. My standard answer to “when are you getting married” used to be “Once I find something worth procreating”. Shut people up without fail and great for use at funerals and weddings.

    Funny though, after 30, people stopped asking. I think they just finally accepted that the beat of my drum is a little off norm and let me be…or assumed I was a lesbian. Either way, they leave me alone.

  2. Average Joe says:

    I don’t intend on being rude or harsh but I feel like this article is very counter productive. As a male reader, what I see in this is an unnecessary argument and it forces me to wonder who you are as a person. An argument against a statistical average that cannot be biased by nature seems a little absurd and comes off as a little desperate. If you are so keen on living your life without a husband, then live it. If you want a husband, I don’t think that this rant is proper or necessary. To inspire an argument that men above the age of 30 are considered bachelors and revered as successful by other married men is absolutely absurd. Yes, men are less frowned upon much less by their peers when unmarried; However, this is because, at least from my experience, men do not care to impose on their friends their beliefs about marriage. Nor do we, although I feel uncomfortable speaking on an entire Sex’s behalf, judge ourselves based on the statistical norm of what is proper in society.

    I hope you find peace in your anguish and realize that these statistics are not deadlines, they are just numbers.

    Live, love, and smile even when it hurts,
    -A worried observer

    1. Let me put your mind at ease. I’m a humor blogger so this post, while loosely based on conversations I’ve actually had, is meant to be humorous. I’m sorry you didn’t find it funny but I have to admit you’re the first to ever call it desperate, which coincidentally, I find very funny. Wishing you well!

    2. Funny, I took her post to be an argument against the USE of the statistic as a benchmark for her behavior (as she stated in her examples) and not the number itself (who fights numbers anyway?).

      The fact that you took her argument to be one against numbers, inferred anguish and desperation (based on the words she wrote, that was really a stretch) and completely missed the humor says just as much about you.

  3. Justin says:

    I thought you had to get divorced in order to fail at marriage. You’re not married? In my book, that means you’ve won.

  4. Just think how those statistics would have changed if the marriage between Crystal Harris (25) and Hugh Hefner (85) had gone ahead. It’s stuff like that that warps the whole statistics thing.

    Loved the post. Do life in your own order. It’s more fun that way!

  5. Holy Balls! I did that when i was that age. Then women got married and screwed other men. Now there is nothing out there and women expect men to be middle class/full time employee else they give you the invisible finger, right? Right? Oh course I am. Be the first to comment on my alienated blog.

  6. WOW ! You should definitely need to move in Europe ! Of all my friends around me, only 2 are married !! It’s not that we don’t want to but more that we rather to enjoy our life before, moving with our love first and then to see if living life is matching !
    What about if I married with my ex at my early 20’s ? Well, I think it would be lovely I guess… for a first wedding ! 😉

  7. Whatever dude. Sorry but for once I’M ABOVE THE AVERAGE!! YIPPY SKIPPY!!! lol…. (sorry in advance for nearly toppling over your blog with extatic jumps of joy.. haha)

  8. Christian Emmett says:

    No disrespect to averages and statistics, but one thing I’ve learned is to never take them seriously. After all, 68% of them can be made up on the spot 47% of the time.

    Here in the future I recently read a news article that said the average age of marriage for women is now around 30 (I believe they said 29 but again, fake statistics and all that…)

    Knowing you’re well above average is all you need, it’s a totally positive thing. Carry on living life the way that gives you greatest pleasure because we all know that it’s at those times that we meet people we’re most compatible with.

      1. Christian Emmett says:

        Indeed, it seems to say that I’m crazier than you! Which I will take as a compliment. 😉

  9. Your response should be:

    The average spouse will be unfaithful after ____ (insert number of years Miss Nosey has been married) years of marriage. But, don’t worry. I don’t believe in statistics.

  10. forget about average age…when did marriage become mandatory? For some…it’s what they want and more power to them. For others, it’s just not in their plans…which is also fine. Mandatory marriage…it’s like saying everyone should drive a Yugo…by age 26.

  11. I’ve never really paid attention to ‘average’ but I always thought I’d be married somewhere around 30. I’m knocking on 30 next year.. panic is setting in.

  12. I am on-board with your possible-responses to marriage related questions. Though you might want to ease up on the person asking “Hey, how are you?”… unless they’re looking smug and critical at you… possibly while waving their bejeweled left ring finger in your direction. lol.
    I am apparently still not quite an old-maid, but regardless… why is it that you finish university, and promptly people switch from asking you “how’s life” to “how soon will you get married?”

    1. Haha! That one was just for fun. I promise I play it a lot cooler than that.

      I don’t know why people do that, but they definitely do. It’s kind of funny. When you’re 20 it’s “What’s your major? What are your plans after school?” and then you hit 22 and it’s “So, where’s your husband? Why aren’t you married? Are you some kind of feminist?” People crack me up. Honestly, the whole thing makes me laugh.

  13. People are dumb. There is no age. Its just when you find someone! Old people have this serious idea and they have tried to engrave it in us women that if you are working towards getting married. you are going to be terribly unhappy.
    I never wanted to get married. I wanted to be mother but I didn’t wanna have been with anyone.
    The crap we spin huh? In reality, I believe we all don’t want to be lonely but that is dictated by our own terms.
    You are independent and enjoying being young. Thats what you are! Young. And in reality, you do have all the time in the world. I am 26 years and have three kids and have been married for 6 years.
    I plan to teach my girls that marriage will always be there … make time for everything else!

    1. I think you’re a great Mom. It’s funny because I get no pressure from my family to get married at all but everyone else seems really concerned about it for some reason. LOVE YOU!

  14. Donavan says:

    Wow, stop pulling punches and tell me how you realing feel. The age of average age of marriage is over. However, I am unmarried dude in his late 30s.

  15. OK GotC, you need to breathe. Deeply. (I got married at 27, and the failure on my part was NOT that I got married “late” but that I married that guy at all.)

    I think what we have clearly established here is that you are not average. An average is an average. Considering that there are people getting married at 15 in certain parts of the country (are we saying THAT makes them “above average”?), that can only mean that others are getting married correspondingly later. You know, the people who are getting their educations and authoring brilliantly funny blogs and writing novels and such.

    Anyway, I think you need to spin it another way. Because of this “average” thing, people who get married at 26 are a STATISTIC. You are not a statistic. You are in every way superlative to the statistic!

    PS These responses are great; “…flush with windchimes” made me snarf my coffee. I want to start countering “are you seeing anyone special” with things like, “So, is your sex life satisfying? Or is this NOT the portion of the conversation in which we ask about parts of each others’ lives that aren’t our business?”

  16. craig78681 says:

    “I was always in the top percentiles for height …”

    Put me in the camp that thinks this just might be an embellishment.

  17. Great post. I laughed out loud at the “insufferable skank” line. As for your question – I think an “average age” for anything is sort of a dumb concept, a way of pitting people against each other in some sort of make-believe contest. It assumes we should have the same goals. Who says I should get married at X age, finish college at X age, get my first ‘real’ job at X age, have my first kid at X age, and blahdeeblah anyway? What if I’m happier doing it all backwards, or some of it not at all? At not-quite 41, I’m someone who slid in under the average radar and married my college sweetheart at 25. Then we got divorced at 35, and I’m happily unmarried now. That’s how those averages often work out : ).

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