I Googled That.

You know, I really pride myself on using correct grammar. Sure, I make mistakes and I’m sure you could find about 1,000 in this blog (as a side note, please don’t do that, it makes you a douche-bag). So, when I don’t know the correct usage or pluralization of a word, I look it up. I’m telling you this because you need to know that about me for two reasons.

1. It’s important that we get to know each other better.

2. It will give some perspective to this post.

So, I’m on Twitter the other day and I see this:

Seth Myers Twitter

I thought it was pretty clever, which is to be expected, and I wanted to respond with an equally clever reply. Because, and I’m not totally sure about this, but I think I want Seth Myers to love me. Or at the very least think I’m hysterical, which to me, is basically the same thing. I wanted my reply to say “Hey! I’m a cute girl with a killer sense of humor. We should grab dinner sometime and I will charm your pants off (literally) with my humor.” Or, you know, something like that.

But, before I could officially reply, I had to Google this: “What is the plural of penis?”

True story.

You see, I have always referred to multiple penises as “peni”, and though I have some vague memory of creating that word because I thought it was funny, I’ve used it as if I learnt it in sex education on the day when they talked about how to refer to genitalia in the plural.  And can I just say, I think we should have probably spent more time on that lesson and less time on herpes. No offense to herpes but there are only so many mouth and junk sores I can look at in a day. As a side note, “junk” refers to genitalia and I actually did learn that word in school but not in an official class. Anyway, I Googled the plural of penis and it turns out it was penises and not peni. Personally, I think peni sounds funnier but, who am I to judge the English language? Now whenever I start to type any word that starts with “P” Google suggests some pretty racy stuff. It’s getting a little bit inappropriate Google, I wanted to find “pizza places” not “porn palaces”. Get it together.

Anyway, my reply tweet to Seth Myers was this:

Girl on the Contrary Twitter

It was a disaster. I was clearly too aggressive with the capital letters. Instead of being cute and sarcastic my tweet came off all yelly and stuck-up. Alas, no dinner invitation was extended and really, I can’t blame the poor guy. My tweet effectively punched him in the junk and then laughed at him when he cried in pain. Although, I have to say, I laughed hysterically at my own tweet for like, 2 minutes. At least I think I’m hilarious. This could probably be a Flirtation Failure post, no?


27 thoughts on “I Googled That.

  1. I have referred to the singular form when speaking in first person as a “PENAL” for years. i.e. “I’m wearing my garden print boxers today because I like to have a flower fresh penal.” So penai is not really that off base. In fact, im going to append it into my vocabulary post haste. I can already think of a great use, “Man they said there were going to be hot chicks at this party, but it’s a total PENI fest in here!”

  2. Spock Kris says:

    peni or penises it should be functional !! A functional penis is any day better than dysfunctional peni / penises!!

  3. Sadly, I have never had the occasion to use the word ‘penis’ in the plural form.

    Peni in a sentence: Having stumbled upon a nude male Greco-Roman wrestling match, I did not know which peni on which to place my bet.

    And you thought my example would be dirty.

  4. So glad I’m not the only grammar/word freak, although you wouldn’t know it by reading my blog. I often type responses and comments in Word and then cut and paste to avoid any spelling and/or grammar errors.

    Regarding the tweet-no worries. Keep trying. Yes, the capital PENISES was a bit aggressive, but it’s the sort of spunk you need to get noticed.

    I, too, love Seth Myers and will vicariously through you when you finally bed him.

  5. I like peni better. It makes the penis sound clinical and somehow more respectable. I can imagine a group of peni wearing lab coats, but not penises.

    If Seth Meyers doesn’t answer your tweet, then you don’t need him. Who does he think he is? You can do way better.

  6. Ha ha… I like your plural version of penis! We should totally petition Webster to make it official! Here is to peni!!

    And dont feel bad about Seth… He is attractitive sense of humor … yet…. he might be notch down for you… He didnt get it obviously!

  7. I’ve also loved the (apparantly imaginary) word peni! Although I try to follow the rules, I think I’ll need to break this one. Peni is so much better than penises. Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so : )!

  8. Totally hilarious. Not over the top. Actually, he may only not have extended a dinner invitation because he was intimidated by your wit and intellect. I’m (almost) sure of it.

  9. I would have looked that up as well, and would have been scorned with the racy google things too. Trust me, there are things that you want to google instead of just typing! take for instance, I wanted to know something about the way your president inherits his house, so I typed in thewhitehouse(dot)com, and THAT was not at all what I was looking for! Don’t type it in, its porn. who knew? Not I. Google is a savior for things that can not be un-seen

    Text is never as witty as in person. can twitter itallic letters? that may have been less intimidating.. lol… (which is silly!). Flirtation fail approved *STAMP*.

    1. If you still want to know, it’s whitehouse(dot)gov. I’m not sure the current administration has any clue how government is supposed to work, though, so I’m not sure how reliable the information there might be… 😉

  10. Well, if it is any consolation (and I doubt it is) I think you are hilarious. I do like “peni” better. As a nurse, I am pretty much expected to use the anatomical names for body parts, but I have a pretty large repertoire of slang as well, which comes in handy if I have to ask a street-wise patient about the state of their, um, junk.

    1. It is a consolation!!! Trust me.

      I’m glad to know the medical community supports me in my fight to change the plural of penis to peni. Together, we can make a difference. 🙂

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