If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know that I have a very deep unrelenting fear of aliens. I’m pro-zombie, pro-ghost, pro-poltergeist, pro-monster, but I am very firmly anti-alien. I literally just hesitated to write that because I was momentarily afraid that the aliens would use this against me when they invade, but you know what, SCREW YOU ALIEN. I may be terrified of you but I’m not going to back down. You may be coming for me but I’m going down guns a-blazin. If you’re invading my planet then you better prepare for the fight of your life (or lives, I’m not sure how that works with your kind). Did I mention I’m terrified? But I digress.
Lately, my fear has been exacerbated by movie previews. Apparently, aliens are very in vogue. And having to sit through these previews feeling like my heart is about to explode from abject terror has led me to one conclusion. Steven Spielberg hates me. It’s the only logical conclusion. Just look at his filmography.
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. I don’t think this movie is “cute”. I think this movie is scary as hell. E.T. freaks me out. For real.
Gremlins. Also not “cute”. Not cute at all. Scary. Very scary.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch. At this point, he was just rubbing my fear in my face.
Men in Black. When will the world realize aliens aren’t funny? Do not be lured into a false sense of humor induced safety. Aliens are terrifying.
Men in Black II. Again, just rubbing it in. These sequels are going to give me a heart-attack.
Transformers. Sure, they’re machines but also, they’re aliens.
War of the Worlds. Listen, people panicked when H.G. Wells read this story on the radio for a reason.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This movie was insulting on many levels.
And those are the movies that have already been released. Luckily, they were spread out over a long period of time and I was able to recover before the next one came out. But Spielberg is stepping up his game. In the next couple of years, he has SIX alien related movies or TV shows coming out. SIX! I mean, it could not be more obvious that Steven Spielberg hates me. HATES ME. So I decided to write him a short note. It is as follows.
Dear Mr. Spielberg,
How are you, sir? I hope you are well.
It has come to my attention that you hate me. I can’t imagine why that may be considering we have never met. I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying, I’m not sure what I’ve done to anger you so much. Whatever it was, please let me apologize. I am so deeply sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for whatever it was I did to make you hate me.
Please stop making movies about aliens. Please, sir. Please. You may think it would be as simple as me not going to see those films of yours. Oh! If it were that easy. Sadly, we live in a time of movie previews, so even if I don’t go to see your movie, I am forced to watch parts of it if I want to see any other movie or even watch a television show. Another complication is that you are quite a gifted filmmaker, and my friends and family usually want to see anything you are a part of. Often, I am dragged along with them and spend the next hour and a half to two hours about to pee my pants. It’s unpleasant.
I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you’ve made quite enough alien movies. I mean, you’ve made a LOT of alien movies. Perhaps you can go on an alien movie sabbatical that lasts forever? Please. I promise to never do whatever it was that made you hate me ever again. Cross my heart.
Also, I’m a big fan. You’ve made some epic films and I wish you many more of those- just so long as they don’t involve aliens.
Fingers crossed that this note works. I really am sorry even though I don’t know what I did. I just need the alien movies to stop. What do you guys think? Spielberg obviously hates me right?