Can You Play Tennis In Those Heels?

So, I’m looking through some fashion magazines that feature spreads where the models are in “real life” situations and I’m thinking, “What the deuce?! Who’s “real life” do they think they are capturing here??” I love beautiful photography and I love beautiful clothes but please do not insult me by claiming this is “real life”. I mean, sure, I’m probably not the best judge of “real life” but even I can see it’s probably not this.

Vogue Fashion Spread

I have to give this girl props on the visor and sunglasses- they will definitely come in handy when her impending tennis match starts. Unfortunately, the same can not be said for the blouse, bangles, purse, and high heels, fabulous though they may be. If she plays in this outfit she is just asking for a twisted ankle. Although, if her opponent isn’t wearing a visor and sunglasses, her bangles may serve her well as a means of blinding her competition since the glare from the sun would make it impossible to return her serve. I’m sorry high-heeled tennis star, I misjudged you.

Marie Claire Fashion Spread

I can’t decide whether she is running away from her stalker or aggressively running towards the person she’s stalking. Either way, she is not going to make it very far. Everything she is wearing is too long or too big. She will surely trip and either be kidnapped or miss her chance to be the kidnapper. Bum luck lady in green. You just can’t win this one. I guess that’s why you look so mad. Next time, you should wear what I wear when I’m stalking or being stalked- converse, sunglasses, jeans, and a Kings of Leon t-shirt.

Carmen Sandiego Fashion Spread

The title of this fashion spread was “Looking for Carmen San Diego”. Can I just say, it’s no wonder you haven’t found her yet- it’s very apparent you aren’t even looking very hard. Also, the Carmen San Diego I know and love would not approve of that cigarette. I mean, you aren’t even travel ready! Don’t you know Carmen San Diego travels all over the world?! If you want to find her, you need to be outfitted for any occasion. What if she’s in the arctic? I’ll tell you what, YOU WILL FREEZE TO DEATH. Yeah, I said it. But, if she’s in London or Paris, no worries, you’re dressed appropriately. But she’s probably in the arctic. Enjoy your frostbite.

All these women are stunning and the photography is brilliant, but c’mon, am I the only person who doesn’t think this is “real life”? Unless, I am the only person who thinks that, and everyone else’s real life is actually this beautiful and abstract. Tell me truly, can you play tennis in those heels?

17 thoughts on “Can You Play Tennis In Those Heels?

  1. Perhaps the tennis one is actually real life for a model in training – maybe they have to practice playing tennis in sky-scraper heels so that when all they have to do is walk down the catwalk they are so practiced that no heels will ever intimidate them again.

    I can’t imagine it would do the tennis courts much good though. Perhaps Vogue has its own tennis courts for just this purpose as no one else will let them us theirs because they don’t want stiletto holes in the playing surface.

  2. 1 – Tennis is all about the footwear. Erm. And talent helps. So likely no, you can’t play tennis in those shoes. I bet you could line up her bangles and play hoops though.

    2 – I wish I had something bad to say, But I LOVE this. Girl is on stilts dude. STILTS! I can tell you with absoluteness that skillz are needed to pull that off. And I bet she works those green pants at Burning Man or something. She’s likely pissed because some common photog is going to get all the credit for her genius.

    3 – I’m fairly sure that we of the ACME agents (I had my copywritten copy, so it’s legit yo) would call this woman Miss Ing fullshirt. Or perhaps Misty Bronchi. Can I get a w00t w00t for Jez E. Bell? no?

  3. cooper says:

    the one in the green dress is in the midst of an intense game of ‘red light, green light’…or possibly simon sez.

    no wonder my tennis game has suffered. i guess i need me some poofy-sleeved shirts.

  4. I particularly love seeing versions of your Carmen while I’m at an airport – seriously, you’re going on a 12 hour flight in 5 inch espadrills, white capris and a bandeau top. You should be sterilized.

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