Supposedly, denim was created for comfort and functionality. Well, maybe that was the case before but it is not the case now. Now there is a blue jean conspiracy afoot and I’ve uncovered it. I’m not sure how deep this conspiracy goes, as of now, I have only uncovered the women’s blue jean conspiracy, so all the gentlemen out there should be on high alert- it could be happening to you too.
There are 5 steps to this conspiracy.
1. Make sure every salesperson on the floor is extremely skinny and looks like a model in the brands jeans.
2. Make sure all the jeans will fit anyone who isn’t a size zero too tight, no matter the size. That way when a woman comes in and tries on a pair of jeans 2 sizes bigger than usual and they still don’t fit she will leave feeling broken.
3. Be uppity. If a woman says the jeans “didn’t work out” assume it was because they were too small and look at her pityingly. Say something like “Sorry, we don’t have a large selection of plus size jeans (even if she isn’t plus size).” or ” Yeah, our jeans are made for a certain body type.” Say anything that insinuates you are calling her fat without ever calling her fat.
4. Any woman who is bigger than a size 2 should be made to feel ugly and inferior. Let’s call it…ugferior. Make them feel ugferior. This can be achieved by looking gorgeous at all times, eyeing them disgustedly, and being condescendingly sweet. Treat them like sad children you are trying to get rid of.
5. Never offer to help them find anything else. If they didn’t fit into a size 8 (which was really a size 2) then they don’t deserve to be there.
I haven’t yet uncovered who is at the root of this conspiracy. I have a few suspicions. It might be communists trying to disrupt our economy by shaming women into not purchasing blue jeans. It might be supergroup NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) trying to remind women of how they used to be skinny when they were younger thereby sending them into a desperate frenzy to recapture their youth by buying tickets to an NKOTBSB concert. Or it could even be the world’s vineyards trying to send women into wine-consuming fits of hysteria. Who knows? All I know, is that I’ve uncovered this litte conspiracy and will track it to it’s core in an effort to make blue jeans shopping less of an emotional trauma for women. Am I some kind of warrior for truth and justice? You could say that. You could also say I’m a woman sick of feeling like I’ve been punched in the ovaries every time I have to shop for blue jeans. But if you’re telling your friends about this, just go ahead and say I’m a warrior for truth and justice.