The Blue Jean Conspiracy

Blue jeans
Hi! My name is Flower. I'll be emotionally brutalizing you today.

Supposedly, denim was created for comfort and functionality. Well, maybe that was the case before but it is not the case now. Now there is a blue jean conspiracy afoot and I’ve uncovered it. I’m not sure how deep this conspiracy goes, as of now, I have only uncovered the women’s blue jean conspiracy, so all the gentlemen out there should be on high alert- it could be happening to you too.

There are 5 steps to this conspiracy.

1. Make sure every salesperson on the floor is extremely skinny and looks like a model in the brands jeans.

2. Make sure all the jeans will fit anyone who isn’t a size zero too tight, no matter the size. That way when a woman comes in and tries on a pair of jeans 2 sizes bigger than usual and they still don’t fit she will leave feeling broken.

3. Be uppity. If a woman says the jeans “didn’t work out” assume it was because they were too small and look at her pityingly. Say something like “Sorry, we don’t have a large selection of plus size jeans (even if she isn’t plus size).” or ” Yeah, our jeans are made for a certain body type.” Say anything that insinuates you are calling her fat without ever calling her fat.

4. Any woman who is bigger than a size 2 should be made to feel ugly and inferior. Let’s call it…ugferior. Make them feel ugferior. This can be achieved by looking gorgeous at all times, eyeing them disgustedly, and being condescendingly sweet. Treat them like sad children you are trying to get rid of.

5. Never offer to help them find anything else. If they didn’t fit into a size 8 (which was really a size 2) then they don’t deserve to be there.

I haven’t yet uncovered who is at the root of this conspiracy. I have a few suspicions. It might be communists trying to disrupt our economy by shaming women into not purchasing blue jeans. It might be supergroup NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) trying to remind women of how they used to be skinny when they were younger thereby sending them into a desperate frenzy to recapture their youth by buying tickets to an NKOTBSB concert. Or it could even be the world’s vineyards trying to send women into wine-consuming fits of hysteria. Who knows? All I know, is that I’ve uncovered this litte conspiracy and will track it to it’s core in an effort to make blue jeans shopping less of an emotional trauma for women. Am I some kind of warrior for truth and justice? You could say that. You could also say I’m a woman sick of feeling like I’ve been punched in the ovaries every time I have to shop for blue jeans. But if you’re telling your friends about this, just go ahead and say I’m a warrior for truth and justice.

16 thoughts on “The Blue Jean Conspiracy

  1. It all makes sense now.

    But wait……….. where do the skinny shop assistants buy their jeans from to feel ugferior? This seems to be infinitely regressive. Maybe, if we keep investigating this we will find the Platonic form for skinny, rude and condescening shop assistants.

  2. it’s not me!!! i love jeans. to be more specific i love jeans on women.

    (Note: woman is defined as anyone who has not starved themselves to the point where their thigh is smaller than my wrist.)

    Anyone buying jeans size two or under should automatically be given coupons for six free double whoppers with cheese.

  3. Even worse is those salespeople who dont feel like seeing you go through the crushing defeat, and ask if you are looking for a gift . I hate those ones. Especially when you go through the attempt at being all right and smug, and the jeans ‘don’t work out’. *cries silently*….

    1. I’m here for you. Next time you want to go shopping, invite me along and if a salesperson dares to get smug with us, I will cut them to pieces with my razor sharp sarcasm.

  4. The training program to develop the right attitude for this conspiracy must to be shop help at Victoria’s Secret. I have a secret for “Vicki” — even though I like to own pretty stuff, I’m not buying anything from your stores if your clerks give me attitude. This principle extends to ANY store where the “help” is no help at all and tries to make me feel ugferior! (Love the terminology. Fight the good fight, GotC!)

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