My Brain Just Exploded

Exploding head

I received a spam comment yesterday. And such a spam comment, I have never seen. It was a spam comment on any recommendations I might have to avoid spam comments. Spam to avoid spam!? BOOM. My brain just exploded.

And then, because I hadn’t done it in a while, I decided to have a look-see at what search terms have recently driven traffic to this my most beloved and trusty blog. And you know, what? My head exploded again. BOOM. It was like brains and imagination and curse words all over the place. Gross but beautiful. Before you continue reading, go to a safe and easily washable place- you want to make the brain matter clean-up as painless as possible.

Starving jokes– You people are sick. I distinctly remember writing a blog about how starving jokes cross a line. Take your garbage elsewhere

 Neck brace– Do you need one? Are you hurt? As magical as my blog may seem, it can’t heal you. Please seek medical attention immediately.

Is the term spinster ok to use?– Ummm, yes. I’ve been over this. You may mean it as an insult but historically speaking, it’s a compliment. Unless you’re calling me one and then it’s like “Yo mama a spinster.” and so forth.

Need to know about Donald Duck– Why? Maybe he doesn’t want you to know him. Maybe he’d like a little peace and quiet for a change. Back off his jock y’all.

This blog is probably written by a female 15-17– No, it’s not. Sucka! I’m 26 but I write like a teenager. Jealous? Oh wait…I want to look like a teenager not write like one. Balls.

You suck at flirting– You suck as flirting! Judgy McJudgester. Take your insults elsewhere, no matter how “true” they may be.

Birds that mean death– There are bids that mean death??! Look to the skies! Flying death! Save the children! Oh the horror! Which bird means death? Which bird??????

I am a trendsetter– No, you’re conceited. I am a trendsetter.

Should you help your girlfriends crush stalk her?– I’m really confused on the dynamics here. You have a girlfriend, she has a crush (that isn’t you), but you want to help that guy stalk her?? Still confused. Look, if you want my help, I’m going to need two things.

1. A better explanation.

2. A goat or other type of barnyard animal as payment. Actually, I want a sheep. Make it a sheep.

Why am I so terrified of aliens?– Because they are TERRIFYING. You should take pride in the fact that you’re intelligent enough to fear what should be feared. Luckily for you, I have a very good strategy for survival in the case of an alien attack. It involves large amounts of water, napalm, samurai swords, any type of swords really, daggars, and care-bear songs. I can’t give it all away but try and make your way to me in the case of an alien invasion and I will offer you my protection. You won’t be sorry. (You’ll probably be sorry.)

Naked girl with hat hugging two bears in the forest– This seems dangerous. I think you’ve misinterpreted what you’re seeing. You query should have read “All girl’s clothes except hat shredded as she is mauled by bears in the forest.”

Is a girl flirting if she doesn’t talk to me- Nope. I’m pretty sure flirting involves speech. I mean, I’m no expert, obviously, but it seems like there should be communication of some sort involved. Is she winking and “making eyes” at you? That may be flirting. Is she ignoring your very existence? Probably not flirting. At least, she isn’t flirting well. Wait, are we talking about me? Am I the girl who wasn’t talking to you? Because then, I probably was flirting.

Contrary to later– Contrary to later would be….now. You are a very wise person. I’m going to use this line if you don’t mind. “Hey GotC! Want to grab some lunch?” “Why yes I would! I would like to grab some lunch contrary to later.”

Can you see my thong– My blog isn’t a magic mirror. I can’t answer that question. Although, how amazing would it be if my blog were a magic mirror??

Are you Jamaican? Because you- ja-makin me crazy.– Oh you.

I may look like an ewok.– I can not think of any reason why this term brought anyone to my blog, however, I welcome you with open arms. Although, I don’t know what an ewok is or looks like. Nevertheless, you will find safe haven here Sir Ewok.

More endorphins less war.– Indeed. If the leaders of the world read this blog, all would be saved.

BOOM. Have fun cleaning up all the brains.

14 thoughts on “My Brain Just Exploded

  1. I’m patiently awaiting the obsecure search terms to start showing up in my Stats. Currently, the ones that show up are very easy to link to specific posts -and what fun is that?

    Hopefully when I get my content built up the crazies will start to come out of the woodwork and find me!

  2. cooper says:

    my top search terms the past week…just a bit frightening…
    male nurse
    mental health
    rebecca romijn stamos
    pillsbury dough boy
    chocolate cake and chocolate buttercream
    mr. gumby
    3 ice cream cones
    burger king whopper
    galoshes with buckles
    perverted boy scout meme
    winnoc spectacles frame (what the hell is that???)
    greed drawing
    health risks associated with fornicating cadavars yeah…i’ll let that one slide…

  3. Ha. Funny. That seriously made me laugh. Wow… I started this comment in a strange way.

    Anyway, I think I just heard the sound of one million Star Wars nerd’s hearts breaking. You don’t know what an ewok is or looks like? Next you’ll be saying that you’ve never heard of Gizmo. Forget a barnyard animal – you need to get that guy who wants to help his girlfriend’s stalker to give you an ewok. You totally won’t regret it. If he offers a Gizmo, then you should pass. Especially since you’re terrified of aliens.

    Actually, that probably means you wouldn’t like ewoks either.

    Okay forget I said anything.

    But I’m still going to click ‘Post Comment’.

    1. I don’t know what an ewok looks like. Sorry. Also, I haven’t ever heard of gizmo. Sorry for that too. But you’re right, I am going to offer that guy some help in getting his girlfriends crush to stalk her.

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