I May Be Doing Something Wrong.

Yoga

I’ve been practicing yoga for quite some time and I absolutely love it. I feel so much better when I’m practicing regularly- better physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although, I have to admit, I don’t think my mind is quite in the place the yoga masters intended. Below is a typical evening yoga session complete with what is going on in my mind. I may be doing something wrong here….

We start our practice in a comfortable cross-legged position. Focus on deep diaphragmatic breathing.

I am so good at breathing it’s ridiculous. I wonder if anyone else can breathe as well as I can? Probably not. 

Slowly bend forward into a seated bend. Inhale the breast bone rises, exhale deeper into the pose.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Wait, woodchucks can’t chuck wood??  What’s the point of that question? 

Now rise up to all fours for cat poses. Inhale and round our your back, exhale the breast bone rises and the back straightens.

Yo I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want! So tell me what you want what you really really want! Stop. Focus on the calming yoga music. You’re ruining yoga for yourself. Calm. Relax. 

Step your right foot forward, adjust, the kidneys widening, the back straight, the spine tall. We move into chair poses.

I wonder how much weight I could lose by actually following my diet and doing yoga twice a day? I need to look good for swimsuit season. But wait, why should I have to conform to societies expectations of beauty? It’s all Hollywoods fault. Some skinny skanks get a few movie deals and now I have to lose 15 lbs.  That’s some bull. I’m healthy, I’m happy. I shouldn’t have to lose any weight. (Picture of a model pops into my head) Ok. Back on the diet tomorrow. 

Step your feet about 3 feet apart for standing twists. Remember to focus on your breathing.

I should write a screenplay. I bet I could think of a hilarious concept. Maybe about a very funny girl blogger whose blog gets discovered by a very charming and handsome actor/producer who contacts her to write a screenplay and then she does and everyone loves it and thinks she is both hysterical and beautiful and then she falls in love and everyone ends up really happy and laughing. STOP. No love stories. Only hilarity. Also, no men in this film at all. They will only distract you. Clearly you are easily distracted. Sheesh. Am I supposed to be exhaling or inhaling right now?? 

Back to all fours and sink back into childs pose. Do this four or five times. On your last exhalation move into downward dog and hold.

Ah man, my hands are all sweaty. I’m going to slip out of downward dog and move straight into girl who fell on her face….

Lay down on your back and bring your knees to your chest. Rock from side to side to release tension in the lower back.

Did I start the dishwasher? 

Put your right leg on the ground and fully extend your left leg. Focus on your inhalation and exhalation. Feel the hamstring soften.

In the case of a zombie apocalypse, I wonder how long I would actually survive? I don’t own any guns. I wonder if pepper spray works on zombies? Or on vampires? I know it wouldn’t work on a ghost. But what about the undead?? It didn’t in that Twilight movie but I’m pretty sure those are really romanticized and inaccurate portrayals of vampires. Which is actually very irresponsible if you think about it because now when the vampires try and take over the world, all these girls are going to be like “Love me. Love me!” and the vampires will just be sucking their blood like “Geez. Who knew taking over the world would be so easy? Thanks Stephanie Meyer.” 

Put your left leg on the ground and straighten your right leg. Keep the feet flexed to protect the knees. Then, bring both knees to the chest and begin dynamic twists.

Ok. Focus. You are zen. You are a zen master. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a rapper called “Zen Master”? And like all his rhymes were about peace and tranquility instead of hos and poppin caps. Poor guy, wouldn’t make any money. Nobody wants tranquil rap songs. 

Lay flat on your back with your hands at your sides, we now move into final relaxation.

I bet you could use the term “final relaxation” for death. Is this guy trying to kill me? What a clever way of luring someone into death. I should be mad but I’m too relaxed. You win yoga master. 

I’m pretty sure enlightenment is going to be out of my reach for a really long time.


16 thoughts on “I May Be Doing Something Wrong.

  1. I really enjoy reading your blog
    (italic font) I wonder if she even cares, how come comments don’t have different fonts, It should totally be an option I would offer it if it was up to me (end italic font)
    You’re one funny gal, please don’t ever stop and if you must then please ween us off slowly.

    1. Yes, I do care. A lot. It means so much more than you could ever know that I have so many lovely, funny, and loyal followers like you who inspire me and encourage me every day. Thanks for embracing the crazy! Xx

  2. that is the whole point of the question of the woodchuck silly. we know that a woodchuck can’t chuck wood, but if it could, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck.

    It’s quite simple really. You might want to breath a little more. lol..

  3. Of Life and Laughter says:

    Ahahaha I do the same thing at yoga! it’s like it takes almost the same amount of effort to balance on one leg and look out my third eye as it does to make myself focus on the yoga instead of what i’ll be having for dinner.
    I wrote about an odd experience I had at yoga last week…I’m wondering if this has ever happened to you (or anyone)

    http://aspenandella.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/no-words-heat-downward-dog-yoga-a-note-on-personal-space/

    Let me know, because as of right now, I’m the only one of my friends who seems to have issues with personal space at yoga class!

    1. I’ve never had panties rain from the skies but I have definitely encountered the personal space issue. I will pop in for a class occasionally, but mostly I practice at home because I don’t like to be crowded and also because I like to create my own routines.

  4. Dude, I can’t get past Zen Master telling you to widen your kidneys. As a medical professional (almost), I feel like:

    A. That’s not a thing.
    B. If it were a thing, it would so not be good for you. No one wants stretchy kidneys.

    You’re right. The Zen Master is obviously trying to lull you into death. I may have to get you Jillian Michaels’ yoga – minimal chance of lulling (or, you know, relaxation, calmness, and other reasons people do yoga) of any kind.

    1. His exact words are “Feel your kidneys widen.” I think he just means your lower back, but kidneys sound fancier. Although I might want a check-up to make sure I don’t have stretchy kidneys.

      Also, I’m feeling a little foolish because when he says that I’m always like “I can totally feel that happening”. : )

  5. lol… your thought process during yoga was hilarious! I usually just think about what I need to do after I get home, if it’s a class. If it’s just me doing yoga at home, i’m thinking, “Where’s the dog?!”, because his love of cleaning my ears or standing on my back when i’m doing downward dog or any other head-down activity requires constant non-relaxing vigilance.

  6. Your funny!
    I seriously hope someone discovers your blog and makes you like Oprah famous!
    And can I be the quirky man hater room mate??
    I’ll be totally goth if needed!

  7. Whenever I’m on a run, I can’t help but think about how I judge other runner’s form when I’m walking down the street… and then I start thinking that everyone’s judging me.
    Before I know it, the run is over, but the stress and anxiety that made me want to run in the first place has been replaced with unparalleled insecurity.
    At this point, I start to feel fat, so I tell myself that I don’t need to eat after burning all the calories I ate for the day.
    I think it’s a healthy routine…

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