Sometimes, I like to think about what I would do if I had a different life. These are those thoughts. Well, not all of them. But like, a few. I mean, I can’t write down everything I think. Well, I could. But I probably won’t. You’ll just have to settle for these. Sorry.
If I were in a band, the only instruments we would use would be a ukulele, stand-up bass, trumpet, steel drums, and a xylophone.
If I were an actress, I would only agree to act in movies whose title had a word that ended in -tion.
If I were a physicist, I would spend all my time in an anti-gravity chamber. Take that gravity! I don’t have to play by your stupid rules.
If I were a doctor, I would say to all my patients “I’m so sorry. It looks like you’re going to live after all. It’s times like these that I hate my job.” Then I would just walk away really slowly shaking my head.
If I were a mathematician, I would only speak in numbers. Like “1,18,5 | 25,15,21 | 10,5,1,12,15,21,19?”
If I were a florist, I would only sell certain flowers to certain people. Like ” Peonies? I don’t think so. You get the violets.”
If I were making a zombie movie, I would make all the zombies fall in love with people and then they wouldn’t want to eat people and then they would starve and die for real. I would kill zombies with love.
If I were a nudist, sometimes I would show up to my nudist conventions wearing clothes. You know, just to freak people out.
If I were a businessman, I would carry scotch and cigars with me everywhere just in case a situation arose in which they would be useful. That’s why I would be so successful.
If I were a professor, I would walk into my classroom periodically and say “This paper changed my life. I don’t even have the words. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.” But then I would walk out so no one knew whose paper changed my life. I think it would instill confidence in my class.
And I don’t want to brag, but in all these life scenarios, I’m awesome. I mean, someone had to say it. What would you do?