What If……

Sometimes, I like to think about what I would do if I had a different life. These are those thoughts. Well, not all of them. But like, a few. I mean, I can’t write down everything I think. Well, I could. But I probably won’t. You’ll just have to settle for these. Sorry.

If I were in a band, the only instruments we would use would be a ukulele, stand-up bass, trumpet, steel drums, and a xylophone.

If I were an actress, I would only agree to act in movies whose title had a word that ended in -tion.

If I were a physicist, I would spend all my time in an anti-gravity chamber. Take that gravity! I don’t have to play by your stupid rules.

If I were a doctor, I would say to all my patients “I’m so sorry. It looks like you’re going to live after all. It’s times like these that I hate my job.” Then I would just walk away really slowly shaking my head.

If I were a mathematician, I would only speak in numbers. Like “1,18,5 |  25,15,21 | 10,5,1,12,15,21,19?”

If I were a florist, I would only sell certain flowers to certain people. Like ” Peonies? I don’t think so. You get the violets.”

If I were making a zombie movie, I would make all the zombies fall in love with people and then they wouldn’t want to eat people and then they would starve and die for real. I would kill zombies with love.

If I were a nudist, sometimes I would show up to my nudist conventions wearing clothes. You know, just to freak people out.

If I were a businessman, I would carry scotch and cigars with me everywhere just in case a situation arose in which they would be useful. That’s why I would be so successful.

If I were a professor, I would walk into my classroom periodically and say “This paper changed my life. I don’t even have the words. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.” But then I would walk out so no one knew whose paper changed my life. I think it would instill confidence in my class.

And I don’t want to brag, but in all these life scenarios, I’m awesome. I mean, someone had to say it. What would you do?

24 thoughts on “What If……

  1. I’m writing a remake of the 1988 Justine Bateman/Julia Roberts film Satisfaction, about an all girls band and their crazy summer. In my version the girl band plays ukulele, stand-up bass, trumpet, steel drums, and a xylophone. I’m hoping you might be interested in starring.

    If not, I’m also writing a remake of Mr. Smithtion Goes to Washingtontion that I think you’d be perfect for.

  2. If I could have a reality show, I would be baker with my own bakery/mob queen/ and marine biologist.

    All in one show!

    Gotta people on their toes. I would never kill a dolphin just maybe sharks or octopuses!

  3. Scribbler Me says:

    If I were a crime lab photographer I would find patterns in blood pools and take artistic shots of them.

    If I owned a movie theatre all kinds of food and drinks would be allowed in, and there would be bed-like chairs and blankets in winter.

  4. Sayrah says:

    I AM so jealous!

    Plus, that band would be the best ever. I bet it would be my favorite band. You can’t go wrong with a ukulele and and upright bass!

  5. If I were a wizard, I would whip up a poultice of special and magical herbs so I could say: “Here is a poultice that you can apply to that gaping wound.”

    I don’t know if my poultice would actually help, but I would get to use that most neglected word aloud in a sentence.

    1. I agree that word is very neglected. But, you know, if you really were a wizard, I bet it would work too. So not only would you be giving a neglected word some attention, it would also heal gaping wounds. I tip my hat to you.

  6. doesn’t need to be said…it’s a given.

    If I were a movie director, only non-celebrities would be cast, CGI would be banned (as would lawyers and corporate types), and writers would be the most important person on the set.

    If I were a baker, nice people would get a free cupcake. Piss me off…starve.

    If I were a gym teacher, all non-athletic types would get a free period to do whatever they wish as long as it was something creative.

    If I was in marketing, I’d throw myself under a bus.

    If I were a carpenter (and you were a lady)…I’d build furniture that talked so you could sit and have a conversation without anyone being there.

    If I were a painter, each building in Manhattan would be a different royal color (royal blue, royal, green, royal purple).
    Drugs would no longer be needed.

    1. Ummm, I work in marketing…….

      That bit aside, I think your imaginary life seems very altruistic. I mean, giving love to writers, free cupcakes, non-bullying PE teacher, talking furniture, and a drug free NYC!!!!??? Truly sir, you are a giver.

  7. If I were a socialite I would “Leak” an anti-sex tape showing me doing everyday mundane things (i.e. walking around my kitchen, making toast, brewing coffee, drinking OJ out of the carton, smelling milk in the fridge, etc.) and pitch it to E! under the pretense that I never meant for it to get out. Then, I would patiently await my own reality show wherein I would actually have sex.

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