I Should Have Known….

“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. “ -Oscar Wilde

You know how, when you’re talking to your friends about past relationships, you have that moment when you say “Yeah, I should have known”? Well, I have a lot of those. Sure, hindsight is 20/20 , but there are definitely some things that should have made me end the relationship immediately. And sure, I could probably think of myself as “foolish” for sticking around but I prefer to think of it as “research” for my book on relationships. Also, most of my “I should have known.” moments are absolutely hilarious and I’m really happy I wrote them a lot of them down.

Here are some of my best “I should have known” moments with my commentary. Because these moments beg to be commented on. You’re welcome.

I should have known…..

* When he told me he didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed and that all the dinosaur bones people find are fakes planted by the governments of the world. Finally! The truth is revealed! I think you should travel the world and spread your “truthitude”. No, no. Don’t worry about me. I’ll carry on without you somehow.

* When he claimed that the JFK assassination wasn’t “that big a deal”.  I’m afraid to ask what you think a “big deal” is. I’m going to back away slowly and hope you don’t notice when I’m gone.

* When he said he didn’t like Kurt Vonnegut. Oh? You didn’t like Slaughter-House Five? Really? No, seriously? Yeah….we’re breaking up.

* When he wanted to stay in and play a game he created that consisted of throwing a plastic water bottle across a room into a large trash can. He called it  “Water bottle fun.” It’s not fun. You know what’s fun? Just about anything else.

* When he created a nickname for my nickname. That was the opposite of necessary. I’m both impressed and annoyed. Well played sir.

* When he played me a song on his guitar that was about the girlfriend before me. Wow. I can’t wait until we break-up and you write a song about me for your next girlfriend. I’m sure she will love it!

*When he claimed he was related to a fictional movie character. (He thought the guy existed in real life.) Really! That is very impressive. Especially because that person never existed. You must have access to another realm where things that don’t exist live. I bet you also own a pet unicorn.

* When he said ” I just want you to love me.” before we started dating and after he had just gotten off the phone with the other girl he was dating. Yeah, that seems like something you should say much later or you know, not at all. I’m ok with not at all. Also- how’s your other lady-friend? Good. Oh swell. I’m happy to hear that.

* When he said studying history was a “waste of time” because the world was probably going to end soon anyway. Huh. You don’t say. Although, if that’s true- and I’m sure it is- then isn’t studying anything a “waste of time”. I mean, except for studying how to keep the world from ending obviously.

* When he pronounced macabre as ma-cab-ray. Nope. Not how you say that. No, no. Don’t argue. It’s really not how you say that. Ok, fine. Keep saying it that way. In fact, use that word a lot more often. People will be impressed.

* When he claimed the pyramids in Egypt were probably an “optical illusion”. Really? If by “optical illusion you mean, actual physical structure made of stone. Then yes, the pyramids are an “optical illusion.”

* When he thought the North Pole was a fictional place. Santa might not be real but the North Pole is definitely a real place. Really, really, real.

* When he said “Majoring in science is like majoring in fiction.” Umm….no. Not so much. Also- have you met my Dad? The scientist?

You must all be so jealous of me right now. I mean, I dated a guy who didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed. Of course, in these fellows defense- they all had some very nice redeeming qualities. And I definitely don’t regret dating them. Seriously. I have like, a million hilarious stories because of these guys. And I’m sure they have a million hilarious stories about me. Turn-around is fair play after all. Unfortunately for them, I pretty much tell all of my hilarious/humiliating stories to you anyway- beat you to the punch suckas!. Besides, I promise to call each and every one of them out by name as a way of thanking them in my book. Just kidding.  I don’t even remember their names. I plan on numbering them in the order I dated them and call them Boyfriend 1, Boyfriend 2, Boyfriend 3, etc. Numbers are way more *romantic*.

* While numbers may in fact be more “romantic”, I actually do remember my ex-boyfriends names. Most of them. Like at least 82% of them. 🙂

* Also, the commentary I provided was current day me. Past me would have said things like “Interesting.”  or the always clever “Oh. Ok.”

Feel free to share your “I should have known” moments!

29 thoughts on “I Should Have Known….

  1. They must’ve been hot at least right?? Cuz why else would you put up with so much smartness?? 😀

    He’s right about this one tho * When he said studying history was a “waste of time” because the world was probably going to end soon anyway. Huh. You don’t say. Although, if that’s true- and I’m sure it is- then isn’t studying anything a “waste of time”. I mean, except for studying how to keep the world from ending obviously.

    I bet he never heard of a guy named Martin Luther King who actually said: even if i knew the world will end tomorrow i’d still plant a tree.

    Anyway hilarious post.
    I too consider all my relationships as an antropology study and i don’t leave until i’ve squeezed all the knollege from those suckers xDD hahahaha

  2. When he told me he had never told anyone he loved them . (I was 28, he was 32 and had had previous , lovely girlfriend) Reader, I married him.

    we divorced 12, yes 12 years later.

    I am quite slow catching on.

  3. Wow. I thought there was only one person (my ex-wife) thick enough to actually believe that dinosaurs were a government conspiracy. I still rack my brain trying to come up with the motive for that one. But the real “I should have known” moment was when I put on “The Big Lebowski” and she HATED IT. Oh man, should I have known.

  4. When he told me that I was paying more attention to our newborn daughter.
    (Really? Let me just show her where I keep her bottles. Then I can come and take care of you.)

  5. I love the one about him playing you a song on his guitar about his ex-girlfriend. I imagine the song becoming more and more specific about how he would take her back if she still wanted him, but now he had no choice but to move on and settle for second best with a new girl, and he started describing a new girl who sounded exactly like you and was wearing the same clothes you were wearing.

  6. Sabine says:

    These are really great stories! Yours and the commenters’! I’m kind of jealous now, the best one I have is that I once broke up with a guy because he couldn’t spell.

    But then again, I didn’t date much.

    I am still laughing about the guy who blow dried his balls. That’s really, really weird. Also, it can’t be good for one’s sperm count (which is probably a blessing in this case).

    1. Seriously. The more that guy uses his blow dryer on his naughty bits, thereby killing his little swimmers, the better off humanity is. Also- spelling is important in a relationship, see Cappy’s comment.

  7. *When he claimed he was related to a fictional movie character. (He thought the guy existed in real life.) Really! That is very impressive. Especially because that person never existed. You must have access to another realm where things that don’t exist live. I bet you also own a pet unicorn.

    This reminds me of my my cousin Jasmine’s boyfriend. He acts like royalty and I’m pretty sure he’s on drugs because he’s always talking about flying on a carpet and talking to a lamp. Talk about a “I should have known” moment. My cousin’s dumb. And, stuck up. She acts like she’s a princess or something.

    P.S. Hilarious post. And, I’m Mayan.

    1. Whoa. You’re cousin Jasmine’s boyfriend sounds just like my cousin Pocahontas’ fist boyfriend “John Smith” (if that was his real name…). He was all “I’m helping colonize a new world.” and I was all “Dude. You couldn’t be more deluded and arrogant.” Luckily for us, she moved on.

  8. craig78681 says:

    “no dinosaurs … end of the world … no pyramids” are the same guy, aren’t they? And you possibly dated him 3 separate times for some reason that surely could be argued as “magnanimous”.

  9. Teddy says:

    Ugh, I have so many of these, but two biggest ones are: 1) When I realized he shaved his arms, 2) When I found out that he blow dried his balls when he got out of the shower. I couldn’t even make up that last one if I tried.

  10. You have some real winners up there.. lol…

    I had one similar:
    *When he told me he was akin to the Wolfriders in ElfQuest, and that the books are his moral Bible.
    ~I’m not kidding. Much like you I responded “great, you are half wolf. My unicorn is parked outside, so I suppose that’s equal.”

    *When he told me that the Mayans weren’t a real thing, you know like Atlantis.
    ~ Seriously.

    And then there were these gems:
    *When he told me that he didn’t try passoin fruit because his mother told him he would orgasm in public.
    ~ this actually became a loud fight, because I had mixed passionfruit in a fruit salad and he ate it, and was freaking out. Honestly one of the funniest break-up fights ever.

    *When he figured the best date ever would be to take me to the bird habbitat.
    ~ you’d think this wan’t bad, but I am terrified of birds. Add to that the probability of being pooped on and this my friend, is not a good date.

    I am sure I have more. But that is all I can think of at the moment. The brilliant part about being married so long is when there are instances like these, you are sworne to secrecy. lol…

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