Maybe some of you nay-sayers think today’s blog title was a scare tactic. It wasn’t. EVERYTHING IS HAUNTED!
At least, it feels that way to me. And sure, maybe two weekends in a row of Ghost Adventure marathons was too much. And sure, maybe it’s made me a lot more suspicious of strange noises and occurrences. And sure, probably most of these aren’t *actual* hauntings. And sure, maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic. But really, after many hours of watching people hunt and interact with ghosts/demons/zombies (actually the zombies might have been something else I was watching….) you start to realize that everything is haunted and you better start paying attention because that creak in the stairs is actually a zombie coming to eat your brains, or a demon coming to possess you, or a ghost just trying to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. The following are accounts of real-life hauntings I’ve experienced since I started watching Ghost Adventures.
Me: I love taking long walk in the woods. It’s so peaceful.
Friend: A little creepy. Like, a serial killer might jump out at any moment.
Me: Serial killer?? That would be like the worst serial killer ever. A *real* serial killer would totally stalk you and earn your trust and be like a normal person so you wouldn’t put up as much of a fight when they make their move and the whole time they have you you are totally thinking “I know this person, they won’t *actually* kill me.” But really they will totally kill you. A serial killer that jumps out of a wooded area would be a total amateur and probably the both of us could take him.
Friend: You’re sick.
Me: Or brilliant.
(At this point a tree branch scratches me)
Me: AAAAHHHHHHH! Demon tree!!! Demon tree!!! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Friend: What is wrong with you?!
Me: Clearly, that tree is possessed by a demon.
Me: Don’t you watch Ghost Adventures? When things scratch you, they are demonic. Duh.
Friend: Not everything that scratches you is demonic. What if you got scratched by a button?
Me: Demon button.
Friend: I probably should have seen that coming.
Me: How old is this house?
Friend: Like 100 years old.
Me: I bet it’s haunted.
Friend: Why would you say that?
Me: You can’t go 100 years and not have something really messed up happen. That shiz lingers.
Friend: Well, there is a place in my bathroom wall that’s hollow. It’s like they bricked over something.
Me: It’s a body. It’s hiding a body. Your bathroom is haunted.
Friend: Let’s go check.
(We get into bathroom and are totally quiet)
Me: Oh my goodness! Did you hear that woman’s voice???!
Friend: That was you.
Me: Probably not. Probably, it was the spirit of the woman who was walled in here alive because her husband caught her cheating with the milkman and wanted revenge. Also, I bet the milkman is buried in the backyard.
Friend: I bet you were a weird kid.
Friend: Because you are a weird adult.
Me: Fair enough.
And those are like, not even the scariest of my ghost encounters. I didn’t want to really terrify you by telling you about the time my hair got pulled in a restaurant and everyone said it was just caught in my necklace but I knew better. Or about the time I got out of the shower and REDRUM was spelled out on the mirror. My theory on that one was that someone poisoned someone else’s red rum (a really delicious tropical drink made with strawberries, rum, and red kool-aid) thereby killing them. Although, it would have made a lot more sense if the ghost just spelled out MURDER. Way to make me work hard to solve the mystery surrounding your death stupid ghost. You’re welcome by the way.
Anyway, I’m probably going to be watching more Ghost Adventures this weekend.