I Say Things Drunk People Say.

I had a revelation last week- I say things that drunk people say, but, well, I’m not drunk. So, that seems weird, no? Was I “born this way” as Lady Gaga would have me believe, or, was this odd habit developed out of awkward and uncomfortable life experiences? We may never know. Except, I want to know. So, I’m leaving it up to you to decide. Not just because I like you, but because I trust your medical opinions. You are all doctors, right? Here is a sampling of conversations I have really had that have elicited the question, “Are you drunk?”


Me: You said the guy was named Ivan?

Friend: No, Evan.

Me: We might as well call him Boris.

Friend: ???????????

Me: Well, I’m going to call him Boris.

Friend: Please do.


Me: I wish people would actually say the punctuation in their sentences.

Family: What?

Me: Like, right now, I would say ”  If you were so smart (sarcastic quotation marks) you would have thought about saying your punctuation out loud- period.”

Family: Sarcastic quotation marks?

(I then give a demonstration of sarcastic quotation marks)

Family: Should punctuation have adjectives?

Me: Yeah. Why shouldn’t they? I don’t believe in discriminating – comma,  punctuation deserves adjectives too-  emphatic exclamation mark!

Family: Ha.

Me: I wish people appreciated my genius- wistful period.

Divisible by 11

Me: I forgot you are 22. That means you’re divisible by 11!! So exciting.

Sister: Nope.

Me: It’s math.


Me: She’s just a….a…..stupidhead.

Friend: A what?

Me: A stupidhead?

Friend: Really?

Me: Hey, I call a spade a spade. And I certainly call a stupidhead a stupidhead.

Friend: Are you in kindergarten?

Me: I wish! We once had a project where we put colored food dye in whipped cream and then painted with it. It was delicious and artistic.

Friend: I don’t know how to respond to that.

So, there you have it. In your professional medical opinion, was this a nature or nurture thing? And to follow that question up, does any of us actually care? I can only answer for myself and the answer is no. No, I don’t care because I think my sober drunk comments are hilarious. Even if no one else does….because they are stupidheads emphatic exclamation point!

22 thoughts on “I Say Things Drunk People Say.

    1. Dear Sabine,

      I don’t think so. Perhaps we have both been possessed by hilarious women of the past who didn’t get to say what they wanted then and are using our bodies to do it now??? That’s the only logical explanation I can come up with.



      P.S. Thanks for thinking the ghost possessing me is funny. I think your ghost is funny too.

    1. No, but at the movie theater I always say “Thanks, you too.” to the attendant after they say “Enjoy the movie.” but they probably aren’t going to see the movie since, you know, they’re working.

  1. You might have insidejokeitis. This is a condition where your mind thinks of funny ideas so quickly that you only say the punchline out loud and expect the foundation for the joke to be understood by your audience. It’s an inside joke with yourself, but the joke also literally stayed inside.

  2. craig78681 says:

    Wistful period. Is there a better illustration of the justification, yea the need, for adjective-enhanced punctuation. No. No, there is not. But it also illustrates the need for context. On its own that one slides inexplicably into the darkening dusk. But, in context, it brings a great light.

    Oh, what a stupid I am! I was living and moving in the light of being divisible by 11 but a few months ago. I totally failed to realize it. I totally failed to savor its creamy goodness. Will I get a another chance? However, being prime is less than a year away. It’s math. I will NOT let that one slip by so quietly.

    1. Yes, context is imperative.

      Also- I can not believe you wasted an entire divisible by 11 year!!!! Shocked. Appalled. Luckily for you, there is a prime number coming up and then you can redeem yourself. I expect updates on how you plan to do that.

  3. Fairly certain that I will need to have a drink (or a few), read this, then get back to you on the comparison between sober reading and drunk reading in context to the examples being funny, sensible and reasonable. really, it’s the only way to test this out.

    I’m blaming you for making me drink in the day time in the week though. HA!

    Unrelated – but when I was listening to ‘Born this way’ i was having issues, because I could have sworn I had heard this song before. I knew it was new, but still. Plauge of the brain! And then it came to me! Listen to ‘respect yourself’ from Madonna. it’s uncanny. The melody is totally the same.

      1. oh my gosh. ya. express. I have been typing up a manual on respect in the workplace.. lol… I should likely clear my head 😉

  4. I totally know what you mean. I actually say things like this all the time. Fortunately, I have married someone that gets my jokes (no one else does). I don’t drink much because when I am drunk I get really quiet or when I speak I get really intense. People get a little freaked out by it.

  5. dnici says:

    LOL! I couldn’t stop laughing reading this post! I don’t know why you are like this, and I don’t care. I think it’s hilarious! I was having such a terrible morning until I read this post, and you just brightened my whole day. Thank you!

  6. (quotation) wistful period (quotation) doesn’t sound like punctuation (period)

    It sounds like a melancholy time or (comma) well (comma) hormonally (hyphen) induced mood swings (period)

    Wait (comma) should I be spelling out my parentheses around punctuation too (question mark)

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