I had a revelation last week- I say things that drunk people say, but, well, I’m not drunk. So, that seems weird, no? Was I “born this way” as Lady Gaga would have me believe, or, was this odd habit developed out of awkward and uncomfortable life experiences? We may never know. Except, I want to know. So, I’m leaving it up to you to decide. Not just because I like you, but because I trust your medical opinions. You are all doctors, right? Here is a sampling of conversations I have really had that have elicited the question, “Are you drunk?”
Me: You said the guy was named Ivan?
Friend: No, Evan.
Me: We might as well call him Boris.
Me: Well, I’m going to call him Boris.
Friend: Please do.
Me: I wish people would actually say the punctuation in their sentences.
Me: Like, right now, I would say ” If you were so smart (sarcastic quotation marks) you would have thought about saying your punctuation out loud- period.”
Family: Sarcastic quotation marks?
(I then give a demonstration of sarcastic quotation marks)
Family: Should punctuation have adjectives?
Me: Yeah. Why shouldn’t they? I don’t believe in discriminating – comma, punctuation deserves adjectives too- emphatic exclamation mark!
Me: I wish people appreciated my genius- wistful period.
Divisible by 11
Me: I forgot you are 22. That means you’re divisible by 11!! So exciting.
Me: It’s math.
Me: She’s just a….a…..stupidhead.
Friend: A what?
Me: A stupidhead?
Me: Hey, I call a spade a spade. And I certainly call a stupidhead a stupidhead.
Friend: Are you in kindergarten?
Me: I wish! We once had a project where we put colored food dye in whipped cream and then painted with it. It was delicious and artistic.
Friend: I don’t know how to respond to that.
So, there you have it. In your professional medical opinion, was this a nature or nurture thing? And to follow that question up, does any of us actually care? I can only answer for myself and the answer is no. No, I don’t care because I think my sober drunk comments are hilarious. Even if no one else does….because they are stupidheads emphatic exclamation point!