Are You Blog Breaking Up With Me???!!!

 

I’ve been very honest about my failures at flirting, but what you might not know about me (and you probably don’t know because I’ve never told you before….but if you do know that would be amazing because, wow, psychic powers y’all!) is that I am also severely challenged when it comes to relationships. At least, I’m really bad at the communication part of the relationship, which I’m told is the most important part. Although, I have to say, I think the snuggling on the couch while watching a movie part is WAY more important, and I am like, a champion snuggler (also, I pick really good movies). Nevertheless, I can admit that communication in relationships is not a strength of mine. So, as you can imagine, break-ups are particularly awkward and difficult for me. Here is an example….

Him: Want to come over tonight?

Me: Um…..probably not.

Him: Are you busy?

Me: Not so much.

Him: Ok…..

Me: I just don’t really want to hold your hand anymore.

Him: Huh?

Me: What I’m trying to say is, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Him: Oh. Ok. Well….can we still be friends.

Me: I don’t do that. But I wish you all the best!

FIN

Or, if you would rather, here is an example of a guy breaking up with me.

Him: We are getting more serious than I wanted. I’m just not really ready for that type of a relationship.

Me: Ok. [On the inside, my heart was crushed]

Him: I think you’re wonderful. Really. I’m just not ready for it.

Me: Ok.

Him: What do you think?

Me: Sure. No worries.

Him: You don’t care?

Me: Ummm… this conversation is getting a little too serious. I’m just not ready to be in a committed serious conversation right now.

Him: I’m not joking.

Me: Neither am I.

Him: We can still be friends.

Me: I don’t do that.  But I wish you the best! [Cried over that guy for weeks. True story.]

So, in an effort to be more awkward but better at explaining my feelings, I’ve decided to write a break-up blog. This way, when a break-up occurs I can just direct the guy to this post instead of talking to him. Communication problems solved!

If I am breaking up with you…….

Hey you. I have really enjoyed our time together. Really. You have been a peach. I’m just not…….wow, this is hard…….I’m just not in the same place as you are. We aren’t meant to be together. No, don’t argue. I think you feel it too. You have such a good soul and I will always think back on our time together fondly. But I think it’s time we went our separate ways. I wish you nothing but happiness. And just so you know, we can’t be friends because I don’t do that. And yes, I am blog breaking-up with you but it’s not because I want to humiliate you, it’s because I’m not good at communication in relationships (which you should totally know seeing as how until about 10 seconds ago we were in one). But really, I wish you lots of happiness.

If I am breaking-up with you because you are a douche bag……

Yeah. We’re breaking-up. I just can’t handle the douche-baggery. What I’m trying to say is this: You are a douche bag. I am not. Ipso facto we are breaking up. But I wish you nothing but the best!

If you are breaking-up with me……

I’m not going to lie, this hurts a bit. At the end of the day, though, you’re right. We shouldn’t be together. Mostly because you have really bad breath. And no, I don’t think we will be friends, I don’t do that.  And yes, yes I will be blogging about this. You knew what you were getting into. But, I wish you the best!

You guys, I am really proud of myself. I think I grew as a person today. Although, I’m pretty sure I’ve just scared away any potential boyfriends I may have had. I guess trying to improve myself as a person requires sacrifice. Shucks.

How would you blog break-up with someone?

22 thoughts on “Are You Blog Breaking Up With Me???!!!

  1. shreejacob says:

    Oh boy! I feel like crap! Let me tell you why….

    I separated from my husband of over 6 years by just well…walking out. I couldn’t take it any longer so I got a transfer out and I got my sis to pick me up and I left!

    I did say good bye to him though, but by then we weren’t even talking, so you know….

    I wish I had learnt about blog break up though…it sounds better than what I did!

      1. shreejacob says:

        I did 😉 Your posts have to date always made me leave with a silly grin on my face 🙂

  2. I love your second breakup message. (Where is the LOVE! button on WordPress?) Because, yo, if he’s a douche, a blog break-up is FINE. More than he deserves.

    And if someone breaks up with you, it is wicked smart to have a go-to “see how awesome I am about this? yeah, I was awesome all the way around. sorry it didn’t work out… but mostly for you” message that you can direct people to. That way you can be having your heart-broken meltdown (is that just me?) on the sly, while seeming all mature and cool about the situation.

    But if he was a peach, unfortunately, you need to have the first conversation in person. Or at least by phone. Oh, but a follow-up reference blog could be VERY helpful. You know, to head up the secondary conversations where they want more details. “Yes, I really did mean it when I said that you’re terrific. Totally. I really did mean “it’s not you, it’s me” — it was not just a euphemism for “it’s not me, it’s you.” I am just not in the same place as you, emotionally, and I just don’t want to waste your time and ultimately hurt you.” Or something really warm and supportive and better than that.

    PS Not trying (aka pretending) to be friends with someone after a breakup is a smart idea. It never really works anyway… if the two of you are going to be friends FOR REAL it’s not going to be until both people are really, well and truly, all the way over it. IE, after much time and moving on has happened. Better to expect it will never happen and be totally and pleasantly surprised if it does.

    Though if you were friends before dating I’m not sure if that changes the rules. Or how that would play out. Because I suck at all of this stuff.

    1. I totally suck at this stuff- hence the break-up post. If he is nice, I promise to not be a coward and actually break-up with him in person, although, I’m so poor at flirting I’m sure I don’t have to worry about this at all.

  3. You’re already better than me.
    I’m an avoider.
    i don’t like seeing the other person cry or making other people feel bad, so I just push them out of my thoughts by avoiding their attempts to communicate.
    Yeah, i’m kinduva douche, I guess

  4. Dude. There is a whole episode in the show Sex in the city that you should watch, where carrie is broken up with, on a post-it note. it will change your life. lol..

    I also think that it’s pretty funny, the concept of a bulk e-mail to communicate how special a person was to you …lol… that makes me laugh a little 😉

  5. Awww who would break up with you in the first place?!?!
    I love that you called the guy a peach.
    You’ve been a peach!
    Peach: soft or firm, sweet or sour but will decay in a matter of weeks!
    Hmmm, I more violet then you … so I like your idea … but I am gonna work on the insult blog back once you break up with them and they get angry and start calling you names.
    Thats my specialty.

  6. How about a post that has nothing but the words

    BYE or THE END

    Then in categories: Love, Relationships, Friendship, Divorce, Partners etc.

    Tags: breaking up, beakups, call it quits, no more nookie, never call again, you’re out of here, let’s not kid ourselves, bye bye you’re gone, it’s not you it’s me.

    Plus a link to this post.

  7. This was great! My favorite was you saying “Ummm… this conversation is getting a little too serious. I’m just not ready to be in a committed serious conversation right now.” That is classic!

  8. Why don’t you stay friends with people after the breakup?

    I don’t know if I could break up with someone over a blog. I need closure and I like to look people in the eye…wait, that’s not true either. I’ve broken up over the phone more than I have in person. Phone is easier (for me) because when it’s done, and you don’t want them to see you cry you can just hang up.
    Serious relationships though, that I would try and do in person…

    I loved this post, though! It was pretty funny!

    1. I do try to be funny. Ummm, I’m not friends with people after we break-up because for me, that is the closure. When I’m done, I’m done. It feels more like moving on that way.

    1. 1. Asking someone out on a date.
      2. Explaining why your rent is late to your landlord.
      3. Firing someone.
      4. Explaining to your friend that you hate their significant other.
      5. Writing your manifesto.

  9. A blog break-up is like walking out someone you live with and just leaving a note on the kitchen table rather than sitting face to face. Wouldn’t do it. Sure it sucks and it’s hard. If it were easy it would happen all the time…well more than it does now. I like the second and third suggestions…ok…I really like #2 the best.

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