Are barracudas attracted to sparkly nail polish? This is a question I posed two months ago before I went on vacation. It was a legitimate worry because I had just painted my toe nails with a sparkly nail polish. These are the types of questions we should have immediate answers to. And yet, I had to search around and dig and just now, two months later do I have an answer (because I just googled it). WHAT IF I HAD LOST A TOE??? My goodness, are you people insane (if you are reading this blog the answer is yes)??? But seriously, this is something everyone needs to know. There is literally no one who shouldn’t know. Even boys, especially boys who wear nail polish, but also boys who don’t wear nail polish, because what if your girlfriend/wife/lova is wearing sparkly nail polish on your beach vacation and she asks you if you think it will attract barracudas and you don’t know and so she doesn’t worry about it and then she loses a finger or a toe and then you are so disgusted by her that you break up and then you are miserable but you totally deserve it because 1. you didn’t know the answer to her question and 2. what kind of a douche-canoe breaks up with a girl because a barracuda ate her toe/finger???? You suck.
So, because I am a humanitarian and I don’t want anybody to lose a toe/finger, I used my powers of research to find an answer to this very current and pressing question. The answer is YES. YES BARRACUDAS ARE ATTRACTED TO SPARKLY NAIL POLISH!!! I can’t believe I survived Aruba with death traps on every single one of my toes. This was an earth shattering discovery. I have just answered one of the most important questions of my generation. It might be the best piece of journalism I’ve ever done (and that’s no joke). So ladies, fellas, you have been warned. Barracudas will devour your sparkly fingers and toes without remorse. It’s one of the tragic sides of nature. Proceed cautiously with your mani/pedis.
I uncovered one other thing. A certain makeup brand has an eye shadow called “barracuda” and it’s SPARKLY! Is that some kind of sick joke? What type of a twisted person created that? I’m disgusted. You should be ashamed. People have lost fingers and toes! At least, they might have. I don’t have any casualty statistics.
So now we know. Now we know the viciousness of nature and it’s utter disregard for fashion and all things sparkly. Take a moment to let this sink in and please seek grief counseling if need be. You don’t have to be a hero. Feel this.