I love to vacation at the beach. I just wish other people didn’t because, let me tell you, some of them have atrocious beach behavior. So, while I absolutely adored my beach holiday, I also kept a list of pet peeves. It’s what I do.
1. Men who look nothing like David Beckham wearing speedos. Please listen closely guys- like, really closely. Are you listening? No. Just no. The answer is always no. No sir. No. Sir. (Unless you do look like David Beckham, then please, by all means, wear that speedo)
2. Stealing lounge chairs. If there is a towel and a beach bag on that chair then it does not belong to you. Even if no one is sitting in it (probably because they are swimming). That chair is not yours. Don’t take it. Stealing is wrong. I feel like we all should have learned this early on but apparently some people missed that day in life when you are told taking what isn’t yours is wrong. And against the law. You should be in jail.
3. Getting out of the pool or ocean and shaking water all over the place. Hey- I’m glad you had a nice refreshing swim. I certainly don’t want to deter you from swimming. But c’mon. If there are people around you and you shake like a wet dog then you are going to get those people wet- and you are going to get their things wet. You are a human, not a beast. Please use a towel. (Also, you got my book wet and messing with my books makes me incredibly angry. I hope you get stung by a jelly-fish)
4. Women over 60 in bikinis. Ladies. Ladies. Ladies. You should know better. Sure, you are in killer shape. Sure, your favorite plastic surgeon has made miracles of your varicose veins. But ladies, we can still tell you aren’t 30 anymore. Hell, we can still tell you aren’t 50 anymore. I’m thrilled that you are proud of yourself and your body. I’m just not sure why I have to see ALL of it. Think more Jackie O. and less Jenna Jameson please.
5. Wearing cologne to the beach. Um….why? You have to put an awful lot on to cover up the sunscreen smell- and the effect is very unpleasant. Also, aren’t you just going to wash it off in the ocean anyway? Or sweat it off in the sun? You should know, riding in the elevator with you was torture to my sensitive nose. And for what? What reason could you possibly have for wearing cologne on the beach? Just stop.
So, I had a lot more than 5 beach pet peeves but when I re-read the list they seemed sort of mean. And by sort of, I mean, I might end up spending eternity in hell for writing them. So, I edited myself. I think this is a sign I’m maturing. To congratulate myself for maturing I’m rewarding myself with ice cream and candy. Hmmm. Maybe not so mature. What do grown-ups reward themselves with? Banking accounts? Heroin?
I would love to hear some of your beach pet peeves! Or- I would love to hear your thoughts on whether or not grown-ups reward themselves with banking accounts or heroin.