Things I Would Do If I Were Stuck In An Elevator

elevator help is on the way

My company moved offices last week. Our old building had elevators that were covered in mirrors that made you look really fat. They hurt my self-esteem on a daily basis. So, I was pretty excited to see the elevators at the new office were not mirrored. Well, I was excited about them until I got into one and the doors didn’t shut completely but the elevator started to go down anyway. Not super comforting. I can’t decide which is worse, the apparent lack of safety in the new elevators or the soul-crushing of the old elevators. I’ll probably just take the stairs from now on. Except that the stairs in the new office look like they might be haunted. Love. It.

Anyway this experience forced me to think about what I would do in case I got stuck in the probably haunted, at the very least not safe, elevator at work. This is the list I came up with. I am now completely prepared for the worst. Except for the haunted part, I really need to get a plan together in case of ghosts. In fact, I can’t believe I don’t already have one. I’m not as prepared for life as I thought I was if I don’t have a haunting contingency plan.

Note: This list assumes I have my purse with me. Also, you should know I have a lot of things in my purse.

1. Create my own language. I might do this even if I don’t get stuck in an elevator. But I was just thinking that getting stuck in an elevator is probably really motivating and since I would be facing death I would probably want to leave something behind to be remembered for. I’m pretty sure my language would have a lot of z’s in it. I bet someone deliberately traps me in an elevator now because they are so eager to hear the language I create, but don’t do it people, these things need to happen naturally.

2. Write down all the animals I can think of and then alphabetize them. I bet I could think of a lot of animals and I really like to alphabetize things. This would be a pretty excellent time killer. And hey, an alphabetized list of animals would make a really great present to give to someone. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

3. Practice my dance moves. Getting stuck in an elevator would be a stellar opportunity to perfect my killer moves. Also, I might create some new dance moves that would be so amazing they would create world peace. Is there a Nobel prize for dancing? Probably not, because everyone knows I would win every year and that might seem unfair to people after a while.

4. Write a song parody to the alphabet song. How could I even do this? Magic. Also, the language I create might have a part in it.

5. Try to communicate with the ghosts in the elevator. Obviously, the elevator is haunted, otherwise, how would it have gotten stuck? Duh. Everyone knows that if an elevator gets stuck it’s because it’s haunted. I bet they would be pretty cool ghosts and after we talked for a while they might feel kind of bad about trapping me and then tell me some secrets that would make me really rich to apologize. Thanks ghosts, I’m really glad we had a chance to talk, and don’t worry about trapping me, it makes for a good story.

6. Write a treatise on something revolutionary. I’ve always wanted to do this. Getting stuck in an elevator is as good an opportunity as any other. Also, I bet if you’re stuck in an elevator a lot of things become really clear to you.

7. Take a nap. I might be in there a while and I really need my rest if I’m going to do 1-6.


What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator???

18 thoughts on “Things I Would Do If I Were Stuck In An Elevator

  1. Not only did I think this hilarious when I first read it. I thought it was hilarious that I did read it because I just so happened to get stuck on an elevator last Saturday night! I instantly thought of your list and laughed. Thank you for alleviating my momentary panic!

  2. NUmber 3 might be a tad dangerous. Just make sure you aren’t jumping around. Or pounding on the floor. For shits and giggles, the ghosts might like you so mucxh (cause who wouldn’t) AND try to kill you.

  3. I had a really busy job once where I used to long to get stuck in the lift so I could do option no. 7, or even just rest without absolutely no feeling of guilt whatsoever. It never ever happened. Hundreds of other staff got stuck in the time I worked there but it never happened to me.
    Having read your post I now wonder if I never got stuck because the ghost was scared of me and didn’t want to get trapped with me 😦

    I also thought that once you’d invented your new language you may need to invent a new writing system to go with it.

    1. Good point. A new writing system is an excellent idea! I might need to get stuck more than once though to make that happen. Also, it wasn’t because the ghost was scared of you, it’s because it could sense you were only going to use that time to nap and no communicate with it. You hurt the ghost’s feelings, that’s why you never got trapped. I know this for a fact because that ghost sent me an email telling me all about it. 🙂

  4. PBS just broadcast an excellent documentary on elevators, including a mini story of a guy who was stuck in his office building’s elevator from Friday night to Sunday afternoon for 43hrs in total. He didn’t have his purse.

    He did, however, have a penis, which made taking care of Sabine’s comment #2 so much easier as he was able to push the door open and pee in the shaft. What should a girl do? Seriously, what?

    Though I have no issues with elevators whatsoever, I felt claustrophobic just watching him pacing in that tiny box. I came to a conclusion it might be wise not to drink anything 24 hours prior to an elevator ride.

    1. Good point. Unfortunately, I ride the elevator so often that not drinking 24 hrs. in advance would probably lead to severe dehydration. I guess I will just have to take my chances. Maybe designate a “pee corner”??? No matter what…..yuck.

  5. sabine says:

    Oh, and about the alphabetized animal list… I do that when I can’t sleep. First in my native language, then in English, then from Zs to As… Then I move on to fruit. Hopefully I’ll be asleep by then. I guess it could work for the elevator too, it might even get you started on that nap, hehehe

  6. Hilarious!

    Number 2 is my favourite. I would love it if someone gave me a list of alphabetized animals as a gift, especially if they told me a story of how they made it while they were stuck in an elevator.

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