Flirtation Failure: The Series III

Flirt Magazine
I couldn't pull this off. True Story.

So, here we are again. Chronicling my failed attempts at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Cute Guy At Starbucks. I maybe stalked this guy a little bit. Not in the scary, collect his hair and make a doll out of it kind of way, but more in the I just went to Starbucks every day kind of way. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks everyday to see him and spend ridiculous amounts of money on only ok coffee, it turns out he doesn’t like girls. End of story. I am, however, counting this as a victory because I managed to work up enough courage to go there and see him everyday- usually I would avoid places with hot guys because of my hot guy phobia. I overcame a fear here people. Kudos to me.

Picture it: Sunday lunch with my parents and we are being served by a hot somehow French waiter. I actually got to the restaurant before my parents did. He approaches the table and I’m thinking “Hold it together girl, be nice, smile, make eye contact.  Get your game face on!  You can do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I would like to drink. I order a very sexy iced tea. And then I smile while making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles back while making eye contact. I freeze and quickly look down. Ok, minor points deducted but the game isn’t over yet. My parents arrive. Usually, I would take this opportunity to hide behind my conversations with them in order to not have to look at or speak to a hot waiter. Not this time. This time, I keep smiling. I keep making eye contact. I basically dominated the flirting baby-steps. Sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or arranged anything coming even close to resembling a date- but I dominated the baby-steps people! If this were a flirting class I would have gotten a D+ instead of an F. I consider that a victory. Huzzah!

Cute guy passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He comes to the door and ask for me by name. Sure, I wasn’t there at the time. Sure, he was only reading my name off a list because I had supported this candidate in the past. Sure, I couldn’t actually have flirted with him since, you know, I wasn’t even there. But I still consider this a win. Had I been there, I’m pretty sure I would have dominated this flirting situation because we would  have been talking about politics which is an area I happen to have quite a bit of confidence in. This flirting situation was made for me. If only I had actually been there.

Overall, I think I did somehow ok this last month in the flirting department. My focus this month will be mastering the baby-steps and then trying to figure out what comes after the baby-steps. Suggestions are always welcome.

Oh yeah! I also created a pretty accurate test to tell if a guy and I are compatible. It is as follows.

Cute Guy: So, are you dating anyone?

Me: No, the only guy in my life at the moment is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he gets the reference and also likes Kurt Vonnegut then we are compatible. If he gets the reference but hasn’t ever read Kurt Vonnegut then we might be compatible. If he get the reference but doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we probably aren’t compatible. If he doesn’t get the reference at all then I will just walk away. No way can I date a guy who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

14 thoughts on “Flirtation Failure: The Series III

  1. Sayruh says:

    Just wanted you to know. Never heard of Kurt Vonnegut before but I went out today and bought Slaughterhouse-Five. It was all you. I’m looking forward to reading it.

  2. sabine says:

    I had never heard of Kurt Vonnegut, and now I have read his name so many times on your post and the comments that it’s starting to sound made up.

    [googles it]

    Ok, not made up. Well, I guess that brings me further away from being an elligible bachelor, especially considering that I am not single, or a guy.

    I’m glad you’re making progress! I have crossed the flirting/stalking line much too often with guys in the past, so I don’t have any (good) advice at this stage…

  3. Personally I’d have given you an A, bordering on A+ for French Waiter. You really did a great job with him!

    If only you had been there for Political Guy, I like to think though that you haven’t seen the last of him. It’s a good sign if he didn’t leave the pamphlets, but not necessarily a bad sign if he didn’t.

    I know I don’t have to say this since you’ve made a very bold declaration of your determination, but keep it up, you are doing spectacularly!

    I have to admit also that I’ve been intrigued by your enthusiasm for Kurt Vonnegut and I have purchased a copy of Timequake, which will be read as soon as I finish Cujo.

    I feel like I should thank you pre-emptively. 🙂

    1. You’re welcome. I do have a very passionate enthusiasm for Kurt Vonnegut- I have loved everything he ever had published. Although I would recommend you start with Slaughter-House Five instead of TimeQuake. I don’t know why but it will make a difference.

      Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. Great test. I know who Vonnegut is, but have never read any of his books. Do I pass?

    My test involves Ghostbusters. If you don’t like that movie, you can piss off. If you haven’t seen it (and you’d be surprised how many people haven’t) then we watch it together, and if you still don’t like it, I call you a very bad name and leave.

  5. I am applauding for you. I think you should keep doing this til you master it, til becomes second nature to you. The next step? Having a conversation maybe three or four sentences long.
    Whatever you do, don’t run away.

  6. I have conquered those baby steps (making serious eye contact with seriously awesome guys) just recently, I think. Trick is to sometimes not look at their eyes, maybe their forehead or their nose… I found it to be easier, haha!

    And, I don’t think I can date anyone who doesn’t like reading. I suggest you broaden the criteria to include non-Vonnegut readers though. 😉

    1. Great trick! Thanks for the tip. I can probably broaden my criteria….I just love Kurt Vonnegut so much I think it would be hard for me to appreciate anyone who doesn’t appreciate him too. But I think you’re right in that if they love to read as much as I do I can probably accept a non-Vonnegut reader. Maybe.

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