Over the past couple of weeks I have been taught the lesson of pure and true friendship. The kind of friendship you only find once in a lifetime. Want to know the key to this type of friendship? It’s helping your friends stalk their crushes at Starbucks. And it’s a beautiful thing.
You see, there is this super cute guy who works at the Starbucks I frequent (think Ryan Gosling when he has a beard in The Notebook). And, as I think I mentioned, I think this guy is a grade-A cutie-pie. I’m pretty sure he would write me poems and say really offbeat but endearing things to me. I’m pretty sure he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His favorite food is definitely Thai. We should be together. Alas, I don’t know if any of these things are actually true. All I know is that he works at the Starbucks I go to- oh, and did I mention he is lovely to look at??? But that’s it. That’s all I know, the rest is just educated guessing and nonsense. I mentioned this silly crush to a couple of friends at work and then they did the most shockingly wonderful thing friends can do- they offered to help me stalk him.
Although, to be fair, they didn’t actually offer to help me “stalk” him. They offered to help me learn to flirt better and to go with me to Starbucks every day after lunch for moral support. They have literally made me practice eye contact, they offer advice and encouragement, and they also tease me about my flirtation failings which might seem mean but is exactly what I need. Oh, and they have totally spent like $30 bucks on coffee in order to support me. This is what friendship looks like people.
Unfortunately, as I probably could have predicted, I’m still a flirtation failure. Without going into specifics (because they are just too gory for blogging), I have failed again and again at my mission. (By the way, my mission was to have a non-coffee related verbal exchange with eye-contact) These poor friends of mine have really tried and I’m sure their advice would have been incredibly useful for anyone who isn’t me. Fluttering eyelashes? When I try that, I look like I might be having a seizure. Coquettish smile? Yeah right. Hair flip? I promise you, if I tried I would break my neck. What I’m trying to say is this guy has most definitely not noticed me. Or actually, he has noticed me, but could not possibly be less interested. And I leave Starbucks everyday more and more depressed and rejected. Facing your failures is not the joyous experience one might think it would be. Go figure.
And anyway, I totally saw him smoking and that is a major dealbreaker. So really, I’m rejecting him. In the most pathetic and demoralizing way possible. I’m sure he’s gutted.
The silver lining here is that I realized I have some really stellar friends who will totally help me stalk my next crush. And really, what more could one ask for? Not many people get support from their friends in their stalking endeavors. So thanks you guys!! Thanks for being such marvelous friends and thanks for not giving up on me even when my eyelash flutters look like seizures.