I realized the other day that I’ve been using the internet as some sort of oracle. Googling questions like “What will I eat for dinner?”, “What is going to happen on Glee?”, “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”, and “Am I going to be abducted by aliens or eaten by dinosaurs?” You know, like, really important things. But guess what? I’m 97% sure that isn’t what the internet does. It isn’t a fortune teller. Go figure. So, I think to myself- “Self, I bet lots of other people use the internet as an oracle too.” and you know what? Myself was right. A lot of people do use the internet as an oracle. But it isn’t an oracle. It’s the internet. Let me lay some facts on you.
4,500 people a month search for “What will I eat for dinner?”
74,000 people a month search “What is going to happen on Glee?”
2,500 people a month search “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”
6,600 people search for “Will I be abducted by aliens?”
110 people a month search for “Will I be eaten by a dinosaur?” (So, really it’s probably just me and like maybe a 6 year old with nightmares)
And these are only the most ridiculous yet awesome questions. Let’s look at some questions that are less ridiculous and therefore less awesome but important to consider nonetheless.
49,500 people a month search for “Will I find love?”
18,100 people a month search for “Will I find a job?”
12,100 people a month search for “Will I get fat?”
1,900 people a month search for “Will I die alone?” (Again, this is probably just me and that anxiety ridden 6 year old.)
All of these people are asking the internet questions that it can’t possibly answer with any accuracy. Although, it’s probably more accurate than the Renaissance Fair fortune teller I go to. (Just kidding, I don’t need a fortune teller. I’m a touch clairvoyant so I can pretty much take care of myself prediction-wise). And anyway most of the results you get are quizzes written by 15 year olds and horoscopes written by “Astrologists” ( Listen, if you aren’t a centaur then I don’t have any faith in your star reading abilities. Anyone who reads Chronicles of Narnia or Harry Potter knows you can only trust centaurs to accurately read the stars.) So I don’t know how helpful that is in giving you a valid answer to your question. And I’m wondering if this is an issue of “Maybe the internet is magic.” or more like an issue of “I’m feeling lonely/sad/scared/begiggity and no one is around to offer comfort except for my computer.” Either way, I think it’s important that we all acknowledge that the internet is not an oracle. It’s a host of information (albeit not always legitimate information) and while it might make us feel temporarily better- it can’t actually answer our future based questions. You might as well ask me, at least you know that I’m a touch clairvoyant and my predictions might actually happen. Probably. Sometimes. When it rains.
Actually, I bet Google could figure out a way to make the internet tell the future. (Note- If Google does figure a way to make the internet tell the future it was my idea and I should get a share of the profits except in the case that Google figures out a way to make the internet tell the future and it causes the world to end then it was not my idea and I shouldn’t have to take the blame. )