The Internet Is Not An Oracle

Fortune Teller
This is not what the internet does.

I realized the other day that I’ve been using the internet as some sort of oracle. Googling questions like “What will I eat for dinner?”, “What is going to happen on Glee?”, “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”, and “Am I going to be abducted by aliens or eaten by dinosaurs?” You know, like, really important things. But guess what? I’m 97% sure that isn’t what the internet does. It isn’t a fortune teller. Go figure. So, I think to myself- “Self, I bet lots of other people use the internet as an oracle too.” and you know what? Myself was right. A lot of people do use the internet as an oracle. But it isn’t an oracle. It’s the internet. Let me lay some facts on you.

4,500 people a month search for “What will I eat for dinner?”

74,000 people a month search “What is going to happen on Glee?”

2,500 people a month search “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”

6,600 people search for “Will I be abducted by aliens?”

110 people a month search for “Will I be eaten by a dinosaur?” (So, really it’s probably just me and like maybe a 6 year old with  nightmares)

And these are only the most ridiculous yet awesome questions. Let’s look at some questions that are less ridiculous and therefore less awesome but important to consider nonetheless.

49,500 people a month search for “Will I find love?”

18,100 people a month search for “Will I find a job?”

12,100 people a month search for “Will I get fat?”

1,900 people a month search for “Will I die alone?” (Again, this is probably just me and that anxiety ridden 6 year old.)

All of these people are asking the internet questions that it can’t possibly answer with any accuracy. Although, it’s probably more accurate than the Renaissance Fair fortune teller I go to. (Just kidding, I don’t need a fortune teller. I’m a touch clairvoyant so I can pretty much take care of myself prediction-wise). And anyway most of the results you get are quizzes written by 15 year olds and horoscopes written by “Astrologists” ( Listen, if you aren’t a centaur then I  don’t have any faith in your star reading abilities. Anyone who reads Chronicles of Narnia or Harry Potter knows you can only trust centaurs to accurately read the stars.) So I don’t know how helpful that is in giving you a valid answer to your question. And I’m wondering if this is an issue of “Maybe the internet is magic.” or more like an issue of “I’m feeling lonely/sad/scared/begiggity and no one is around to offer comfort except for my computer.” Either way, I think it’s important that we all acknowledge that the internet is not an oracle. It’s a host of information (albeit not always legitimate information) and while it might make us feel temporarily better- it can’t actually answer our future based questions. You might as well ask me, at least you know that I’m a touch clairvoyant and my predictions might actually happen. Probably. Sometimes. When it rains.

Actually, I bet Google could figure out a way to make the internet tell the future. (Note- If Google does figure a way to make the internet tell the future it was my idea and I should get a share of the profits except in the case that Google figures out a way to make the internet tell the future and it causes the world to end then it was not my idea and I shouldn’t have to take the blame. )

25 thoughts on “The Internet Is Not An Oracle

  1. […] *highfive* You’re very welcome! Frankly, I’d be afraid to hear I didn’t know what I was talking about since my subject in this particular post is – ME! I can also understand that when you use Google to search for topics, you get “too many” results. Google is known to have too much information. Sometimes Google has also been known to be evil. But always remember – it is NOT an oracle. […]

  2. That was really interesting, since I don’t do that, but I may try it soon 😉

    Btw – how do you see how many people googled something? (can I suck more at google?)

  3. I think of google as my friend. It gives me both excellent and craptastic advice. As far as the future goes, I just ask Australians. They already live in the future. Australians are the ultimate clairvoyants their today is my tomorrow.

      1. OpentoAdventure says:

        You’re in luck Girl, I live in the future! Feel free to email me any time with questions and I’ll fill you in from the World of Tomorrow!! 😉

  4. blisstrack says:

    I’m kind of obsessed with Google. But I had never thought of making it a future question, until I read this blog, now I’m intrigued…. Maybe later I will search something, just to corroborate. Anyway, I love Google, no matter if it doesn’t quite know the future.
    I can’t stop reading your blog, It’s great 🙂 Maybe I’ll dare writing something in english one of this days 🙂

  5. Meh – I have no faith in Google as an oracle. I use several free advertising websites to promote my business and everytime I update the info, Google advertisers call me trying to get me to pay real money to advertise on Google. If I had money to spend, would I be advertising for free??? No oracle points there.

    That said, I’m addicted to reading my horoscope online. It’s all harmless fun unless I’m paying money for it, right?

    1. I don’t think they can be awarded any common sense points but I don’t think we can rule out oracle points yet- if you become fabulously wealthy in the near future I think we can say that Google knew about it first. Otherwise why would they call wanting all your money? They clearly know something we don’t yet.

      Horoscopes are harmless. Unless you act on a tip from a horoscope that said you would meet the love of your life in a crosswalk and then you went to a crosswalk and got hit by a car. Then horoscopes cause great harm. Not that that happened to me……I just heard about it from someone else.

    1. I think the fact that I haven’t even mastered my comma rules does not bode well for those students mastering them. Methinks the answer is very few indeed. Or should I say methinks, the, answer, is, very, few, indeed,,,,,,,,,,,. How did I do?

  6. liopito says:

    hey everyone i need HELP!!!! First i loved this post, and second I NEED A COOL INTERESTING BLOG NAME !!!!AHH ITS EATING ME ALIVE!!!!!!!so if u can think of any, tell me thanx!!!

  7. marinasleeps says:

    I am definietly one of those people wondering as asking the internet if I will ever live in a haunted house, however, I noticed the other question I ask was not on your list.
    My other question is Will I win the lottery today? Today? Today? Today?
    But I always get an answer that I interpret as NO.
    If any one can predict the future,it should be Google! But it doesn’t work for me. Maybe I don’t believe enough. Oh I believe I believe I believe!

  8. So… If I were to send you, say, a pen that I’ve used, you could touch it and divine my future? Would it have to be a pen that nobody else had ever touched? Or is it really all about who touched it last?

    I guess what I’m asking is, can you use your touch clairvoyance on any object, or are there rules I should know about? Now that you’ve crushed my belief that the internet has all the answers — past, present AND future — I feel you’re my last hope.

    No pressure, though!

    By the way, I’m glad to see you apparently did not get killed by the devil birds. (You might be interested to know that, when I searched the internet to find out if you’d be killed by those birds, the clear answer was “no” so now I’m confused. Are you SURE the internet isn’t an oracle?)

    1. I’m pretty sure the internet isn’t an oracle. By touch clairvoyant I meant that I am just a touch (like a dash) clairvoyant. I don’t need to touch anything to see the future. My mad future telling skills aren’t limited like that. Basically, I just kind of know what’s going to happen before it happens- like intuition only cooler. Also, it only works with mundane situations that aren’t really life-changing. It’s a pretty useless skill to be honest.

      1. Oh geez, how funny that I thought “touch clairvoyant” was a *type* of clairvoyant! Duh! Thanks for clarifying.

        I guess it would be nice if your skill worked even in life-changing situations, but, really, isn’t the most important thing the fact that your skill is cool? I mean, is it really useless when you are able to wow and amaze the entire internet?

        Plus, I bet the internet is jealous of you now. I just hope it doesn’t act out in an immature way like your cotton candy did…

  9. cooper says:

    i find it wholly amusing that people need something external to tell them what to do OR the need to know their future. What a load clown wank. Think of the internet as a big filing cabinet that the entire world piles their junk into without a dead man’s head-bob at veracity. It’s like digging into a big overstuffed toy chest looking for the 1001st piece of the jigsaw puzzle buried somewhere inside.

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