Flirtation Failure: The Series II

Flirt Magazine

Since this seemed to be a popular post I decided to make it a monthly series. Basically, I’m going to be chronicling my failed attempts at flirting. In the interest of not being a flirting failure anymore I am sincerely going to try to flirt. My days of hiding in the utility closet are over- probably. I mean, I can’t promise anything- my flirtation skills are nonexistent so this will probably take a lot of time. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my humiliation- I fully expect for hilarity to ensue.

I had a meeting with a really hot guy last month, which is basically my worst nightmare realized. I was not prepared in the least to have to represent myself to someone as hot as him. So my heart stopped for about 2 seconds and then I said to myself “Hey self! Pull it together. You MUST SPEAK NOW.” So, I said hello which I am chalking up as a major victory. I even made eye contact. Then he started talking to me and being really nice and smiling and I was like- hey man, if we are going to be able to talk to one another you are really going to need to become a douche bag immediately. Because I really can’t talk to a hot guy who is also nice. He didn’t become a douche bag though so basically I just had to screw up my courage and talk. Even though what we were talking about was not in any way flirtatious the fact that I was able to speak at all should definitely count as a win. Anyway, someone later told me he actually is a douche bag.

I went to Starbucks on a break from work and ordered my usual non-fat chai. I was waiting patiently for my delicious chai when I heard them call a name that isn’t mine. Then they called it again. And again. Apparently the person who took my order wrote my name down wrong. When I approached the counter to inquire if it was my name they should have been calling I realized the guy at the counter was incredibly good looking. Gulp. Panic took over but I really wanted my chai so I spoke up and asked him if it was me they were actually trying to call. He apologized and made some sort of cute remark to which I replied “No worries, it happens.” which I think was a stellar response. And I was smiling. But I was also looking directly at my coffee the whole time so I think we should call this one a draw.

Cute guy at my office. We are walking towards the same door. So, of course, I hurry up my walk , say “Excuse me”  when I cut him off, and get the hell out of there. This one seems like a fail.

I saw a really attractive fellow walking towards me in a parking garage. Immediately my eyes became glued to the pavement. Typical. I mean, this probably wasn’t a chance to flirt but I could have at least smiled. Actually, I couldn’t have smiled. A normal person could have at least smiled. Not me, it was pretty much ordained by fate that my eyes would be glued to the pavement without a smile for miles. Alas.

So, for the last month I have 1 victory (remember I count it as a victory if I am able to speak, smile, and look at them in the eyes), 1 draw, and 2 losses. So, not great. Also, not really flirting but it’s all about baby steps people.

11 thoughts on “Flirtation Failure: The Series II

  1. Joe says:

    I cannot believe how well you put your fear into words, because I am very shy and I can totally relate (though, I get nervous around hot girls…).

    I was (am) so fearful–(at least you said something to someone!)–that I basically deemed my flirting skills a complete failure, and I simply got married at 21 years of age when a I met a girl during the ten minutes in my life when I wasn’t shy.

    My wife and I just celebrated eleven wonderful years this past May, and–Thank God!–I have been off the hook when it comes to flirting for that many years.

    Yes…Sweet relief.

  2. I have semi flirting skills. Just gotta work on actually approaching women, which contradicts my nature because i’m not a people person so I hardly ever go out of my way to talk to somebody.

  3. Keep it up, that first one is definitely a win. Did the person who told you he’s a douche bag know that to be fact? Were there charts and references? I’d still be a little dubious without a PowerPoint presentation…

    I’d say number two is still technically a win myself. I can tell you that the simple act of replying is positive all on its own. He might have been just as nervous as you – you couldn’t see that though since you weren’t looking at him. 😉

    As for the others, well you’re absolutely right about taking the steps. That’s the most important part!

    I can’t talk though, I’m a terrible flirt myself. So good on you for getting into it, as D:Ream used to sing – Things can only get better!

      1. Ah, well that is a shame. Class A douche bags are the worst kind. With their glossy veneer of hotness and apparent nicety, they get us every time.

        Nevertheless. Good on you!

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