You Don’t Have That Right. Seriously.

You don't have a right to this. For real.

Imagine you have just finished a 44 ounce glass of water/tea/vodka (I don’t judge). You definitely have to pee. You have to pee bad. Real bad. Your bladder might explode if you don’t pee. You go to a gas station/friends house/alleyway (I don’t judge). Unfortunately for you the owner/friend/homeless person, says you have to pay $50.00 to use the facilities. You can’t believe it but you really have to go, so you pay $50.00. Unfortunately they have now raised the price to $100.00. You don’t have $100.00 dollars. They are totally within their rights to charge you if they want to. Seriously. It might make them douche bags but they are douche bags who are exercising their rights. So, you just go outside walk around to the back, drop your trousers, and relieve yourself. Well, now the douche bags call the cops because you are peeing behind their house (or whatever it is you are imagining). Cops come and you get arrested for indecent exposure or illegal peeing or whatever it is they call it. You go to jail. None of these things violate your rights. Because you don’t have the right to pee. For REAL.

I studied human rights at University and I was shocked when I uncovered this loophole in our rights. Someone made a very serious mistake at the convention. Maybe it was Eleanor Roosevelt. Maybe she felt like as a lady she shouldn’t bring up bodily functions. I don’t know. Maybe one of the men there should have spoken up- I mean I’m sure they took plenty of potty breaks when they were drafting the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. C’mon Rene Cassin! How did you not think of this? People have to pee. And we shouldn’t have to pay for it. I’m just saying.

You would think that in subsequent drafts and declarations somebody would have considered this. No. No, they didn’t. All I’m left to conclude from this obvious and absurd oversight is a conspiracy. Some very powerful people want to make sure we can’t always pee when we have to- or else they want to make money from natural humanely functions. Greedy jerks. I mean, so many people can’t have overlooked that we don’t have the fundamental right to pee. Human beings have to pee. Or we die. Maybe someone is trying to eradicate human beings from the planet- maybe this is a plot being carried out by the animals. Like, otters are posing as people and gaining notoriety and prestige and then deliberately making sure the right to pee is never covered by any human rights declaration or bills so they can kill all people without actually having to physically kill us (otters are pretty weak) and then they can have the Earth back to themselves. Sneaky sneaky otters. You might have everyone else fooled, but not me. Not me, I say! I know I should have the right to pee without paying for it. And now everyone who reads this knows too. In your face- I will reveal this evil plot for what it is.

Anyway, I thought you guys should know this. There are lots of other rights we should have that we don’t but this is the one I felt the most passionate about. At least right now. And that may be because a certain establishment that shall remain nameless (because I can’t remember the name) refused me the right to use their facilities. Also, the next time a gas station or restaurant refuses you the use of their facilities- I say we picket those douche bags! Who’s with me????

16 thoughts on “You Don’t Have That Right. Seriously.

  1. hilariously insanely funny….
    douche bag is like u fav word i guess….
    it made me laugh all thru out… god bless ur faculties if u keep contradicting them in class 😛


  2. Ghetto_Philosopher says:

    I concur. But do we picket with cardboard toilets that say things like; “don’t pee on me”? How does one picket for peeing rights? Do we get R. Kelly involved? I need to know these things. I am very particular about my protestations

  3. I want the name of the place that would not let you seek Relief.

    To protest or for me to leave a mark or two.

    What could they do to you if they found out you “outed” them? Bar you from using their toilet?

    michael j
    Conshohocken, PA USA

  4. This kind of reminds me off the number of/lack of accessible toilets in my new city. Some are used as storage cupboards, etc.

    I sometimes have to leave pubs to find hotels with toilets I can use. I call that camal-mode. Like otters, only less cute.

    Funny you should post this today, as I am writing a post about my experiences and then I say this post.

    May I link to this post, by way of introduction?

    There are only so many ways you can begin a conversation about pee…Ha!

  5. marinasleeps says:

    OMG … this is the most important news to date. Does CNN know? FOX News? Alert Barbara Walterns … she will want to put off retirement for this baby! It sickens me the way crapping or peeing is viewed. It’s natural baby. All natural. Hell back in the old days, we used to dig up a hole. There should be no charge or even an arrest! Think about the internal damage we are doing by holding it in. Don’t worry I am arranging the press conference!

    1. Thank you! I was becoming overwhelmed with calls from news stations. I appreciate you handling all of that for me. I should probably work on a better statement than “I blame the otters.” though.

  6. cooper says:

    don’t you know???? human bodily functions are NEVER discussed anywhere (well, except for here and a few other sites)…that’s just not the proper thing civilized people talk about….

    douche bags….

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