Flirtation Failure

Flirtation Flirt Magazine
If I'm hiding in a box it's to jump out and scare you, not flirt with you. Fail.

Hi- my name is Girl on the Contrary and I am a flirtation failure.

I apparently missed that day in high school when cupid or St. Valentine or Rico Suave comes to class and teaches you how to flirt. I must have been sick because I don’t know the first thing about flirting. I don’t like to flirt and even if I did I couldn’t because I am so very very bad at it. This is the gravity of the situation-  even my Mom thinks I’m a bad flirter- like, she thinks I am really really incredibly bad at it. The woman only speaks the truth.  And I know it. I know I’m not good at it, but is it something that you ( and by you I mean me) can learn? Also, if flirting can be learned, can I be bothered to learn it?

As it turns out, flirting is like being nice. Really nice. So I think that might be my first problem. It’s not that I’m not nice. I’m really nice to people in general but, if you act stupid or say something ridiculous I will definitely without hesitation make fun of you and probably turn it into a blog post. And it seems that some people don’t find being made fun of attractive. Huh. Interesting. So that’s one problem I have.

Another problem would be the paralyzing shyness I have when interacting with attractive males. The way I overcome this is to physically hide or run away. I’m perfectly content to do either one. In fact, I’m rather good at it. I’m like a champion hider. No one on this planet can beat me at a game of hide and seek. Those guys probably don’t even notice me anyway because I’m not making eye contact with them. I am keeping my head down and looking for a good hidey-hole. Or I am walking as quickly as possible away from them so they can’t speak to me. Not that they would, but just in case they were lost and needed directions, I need to get away fast. So, I guess that’s strike two.

Anytime I have ever flirted (or attempted unsuccessfully to flirt) I have felt like a complete and total moron afterwards. Like, I think back on what I said and I can’t help but feel that I acted a fool.  Everything I say sounds like it is coming from an insecure 13 year old. I lose my mind when I’m trying to flirt. I become uninteresting and vapid and silly. It just doesn’t feel natural. Can’t I just be myself and attract someone? The answer to that is no. No, I can’t be myself and attract someone. Strike three. I’m out.

So I think I’m just going to have to accept that I am a flirtation failure. Isn’t acceptance the first step to something? Like enlightenment? I mean, I could work on some of these issues and really put myself out there but…..yeah, no. Probably not. Better to stay inside this utility closet I found to hide in and think of witty things to blog about.

337 thoughts on “Flirtation Failure

  1. This is fabulous- my wife has the same problem. She calls it “flirting Asperger’s”, because she just has no idea about when guys are flirting with her and how idea how to do it herself- similar to people with Asperger’s picking up social cues.

  2. HAHA great post!
    i really dont think you should try to learn. just dont jump out of sight 😀 be tactless and funny if you want. i find it better than pretending to be the girly cheerleader-type.

  3. […] Making the flirt work for me… August 19, 2010 Posted by pikapika20 in Randoms. Tags: active listening, flirting, personality trackback Why talk about fliration now?? This is more a response to blogs about flirtation I’ve recently read. I sympathize with all the abysmal flirts out there! Flirtation Failure […]

  4. Speaking as a guy, women are flirting more than ever. I am not sure it is me, but that perhaps women are in need of men and that to some extent in some real and unreal ways the male population has been rapidly shrinking. So there might be a percieved shortage of men that women are not consciously aware of, hence the flirting. What women don’t understand is how a man’s eyes are attached to his brain. They are very closely connected. Men look at girls, at TV, at Nature, at Art and of course women and men and even disgusting things. It stems from needing good eyes in order to nail a pray from a distance with a spear. So what I’m saying is that men see a flirt maybe more intensly than a woman experiences a flirt. So it really doesn’t take much to get a man’s attention. I hope that helped. Personally I like flirts that aren’t over used.

  5. Were you really wanting advise or just venting frustration?
    I feel that flirting is simply one person that is showing that they want to get to know you better. Flirting is like a compliment to someone that is given freely with or without words.
    Are you afraid of getting to know people, or of the rejection, or is it the fear of committing your investment of time in others?
    I am glad to read your blog its just that when I see a problem I try to fix it and I am not sure what you really seek by reading it.
    If you are asking for help… do these two things and you’ll never have to be the first to talk again.
    Every time you see some you are attracted to blink your right eye.
    And never let people see you in public without a smile.
    If that person is interested they’ll talk to you but if they are not you did nothing to draw attention to yourself.

    1. It wasn’t really about frustration- it was just a commentary on my life. I do appreciate the advice though! I’m not really afraid of the things you mentioned either- flirting just isn’t something that comes natural to me and I wanted to sort of exploit that failure out for laughs. Thanks for reading and thanks for the good advice!

  6. jeremywaite says:

    Great post. Flirting is over-rated! Congrats for receiving so much love from WordPress about this post! Keep up the great writing! xxx

    (The “xxx” indicates a deliberate flirt obviously….)

  7. Michelka says:

    I love this entry, it sounds so much like my last one about being unable to ‘play the game’ when it comes to dating!

  8. sayitinasong says:

    Im totally with you, girl!! I have never ever learned to flirt… and also I get incredibly flustered if someone tries to flirt with me!! I clam up completely… I am hopeless….lol

  9. shelly says:

    Good Post. A goal keeper already has a goal but that doesn’t mean he/she don’t goal anymore or cant score a goal. Hope you got my point. “Love is in the air, everywhere I look around, Love is in the air, every sight and every sound.” Try out if the other person loves you the same way as you do. You can send an anonymous crush to your heart throb using AAfter Search. Your identity will only be disclosed if your crush feels the same way as you do. Here is what you need to write in the search box- crush:your email: email of crush 1 : email of crush 2 : email of crush 3 then click Enter. Let the magic of love begin.

  10. cyranowriter says:

    Oh, no. I mistakingly clicked “follow this blog” or something… the comments are jamming my inbox! hahahahaha!

  11. Leslie says:

    I’m actually having the same problem. I was married for about four years during my younger years, so any flirting that took part during my “prime” at the time was between me and a man that I know would come back to me no matter what I say or do. Now that I’m single and a busy mom, it’s like “how are you? o yeah that’s great. congratulations. alright well it’s nice talking to you. bye” like I don’t even remember how I did it in high school.

  12. Miss O says:

    First time i have been on this blog and will definitely be coming back.

    I have the opposite problem – i am known as the brazen one of the group. I have been told that i will stop at nothing until i get that object of ones affection. Here is me thinking i was the shy and retiring types – maybe not!

    I hope you don’t think i am coming onto you in a lesbianish kind of way but just wanted to ask why you think guys wouldn’t pay attention to you – you have got to be kidding!

    Get your highest heels on (exercise as well as practice as walking on a tight rope – but will also keep your mind off being shy and more on standing up and looking good doing it)

    Go out to a nice bar and have a couple long island iced teas and let loose on those fitties!

    When you start to think you want to hide make yourself an alter ego – if Beyonce can have one so can you!

    Let your alter ego strut her stuff and the rest will be history.

    1. Little black dress
    2. High high HIGH heels
    3. Wing lady (if men can have them so can we)
    4. Strong cocktails
    5. Alter ego

    You are good to go!

    Have a nice day!

    xoxo

  13. I agree with Lauren. Flirting was largely a way to see if I could catch a guy’s attention, and I wasn’t bad at it. The only problem was that at some point I would realize that my feelings didn’t really live up to the flirtation or (disappointedly) that his didn’t. At some point, I realized the manipulation inherent in flirting. Was it fair for me to develop this kind of teasing flirtiness if I didn’t really have any intention of seeing it through? Was it fair of the guy to return my flirting only to start dating another girl?

    I don’t think you need to flirt in order to talk to guys. But I do think you need to stop staring at the floor and look them in the eyes as your equals. Stop worrying about whether your words impress them or not and just be your sarcastic self. Consider Ellen Page from Juno–she’s hilarious and she doesn’t spend all her time flirting or staring at the floor. (Just don’t get pregnant.) If you begin doing this, and look confident in who you are, eventually someone will take a serious interest, which is better than having a passing flirtation.

  14. graci8807 says:

    it’s ok. I missed that day too! yea, i can’t flirt to save my life. it’s either, i can’t say anything remotely interesting to a guy i’m interested in OR WORSE i can’t say anything at all!!!
    and then i stutter (i actually DON’T stutter) or say the most random idiotic things!

    it’s nice to know that i’m not alone!
    this is a very encouraging and eye-opening post about something so little that many people take for granted.

  15. I can see you’ve got a LOT of comments, so I’ll keep this brief. When I was getting used to small-talking with strangers, I found a great strategy was not thinking, and just going for the opening ‘hello’, or whatever. Trust your brain to say witty things. You’re clearly an interesting person, and I’m sure you’ll do well.

    Congrats on getting Freshly Pressed, too. 🙂

  16. lolita in furs says:

    Hey.
    I think I have the same problem!
    Yesterday i asked some guy who is very flirty even when he doesnt meant to be, how does he find up things to say and dont feel stupid about it?

    The way he describe it it was so easy.
    You just talk to the person abou thim because poeple like talking about them and dont really care about you. (people suck like that) and then you also ave to mimic them, the way the move or whatever.

    sounds easy, doesn’t it? :\

  17. wow…many comments… you probably won’t even see mine… i was just like you..in a way…still, i got out of my shell… it feels good outside!… it’s warm and nice… great weather! … look, i’m a guy, i’m 17 and stopped being shy somewhere like 2 years ago…since then, MY LIFE CHANGED!… please, try and get out of that nasty egg shell that we call shyness…. it feels nice to be free, a whole new world lies in front of you! go and explore it! 😀

  18. The true parts of your blog made me feel less crazy, stupidity should not be rewarded with niceness. My mum and sisters actually had an intervention because of what they call my abrasive approach to flirting.

  19. Flirt ! sounds good ….. may be a bad developed philosophy and … not greatly …. developed by a man a first good attraction … with some possibilities of love ……..
    a part of breaking a women s heart after some time .. is i am wright ?

  20. First you must learn the tips of flirting and then you can be a champion flirter without coming across too boldly!

    Half of flirting is not what you say but what body language you use and signs you ‘unconsciously’ give off (well to the other person anyway, but of course you’ll be doing them deliberately).

    Body language is easy and fun to use. It’ll help you not just in flirting situations but also ensure you come across as a warmer person in general. You can understand your relationships much better by watching body language too.

    Nearly everyone’s posture, movements, gestures and facial expressions are cues that reveal more about how a person feels than what they’re actually saying.

    Things like eye contact, mimicking the other persons actions (not so heavily that you’re found out, as you’ll come across as just being a bit weird!), and for girls in a flirting situation body language to use includes craning the neck to the side (aparently this is a feminine thing to do), swishing the hair, gently parting your lips and flicking your gaze between the other person’s eyes and mouth…the list is endless.

    See http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt-with-a-Guy for some tips, there’s also plenty of other sites for picking up on this kind of stuff (and help you eventually get a guy too).

    Go get em girl! (and coming from me, as a bloke, we all like it when girls flirt with us!)

  21. Excellent blog, good read, but dont shut yourself away or hide from it, flirting comes natural when you dont try so hard ir think about it too much. Good luck x

  22. I love your picture – from the 19402- 50s? I have several similar prints which I adore. The women all have impossiby stunning figures and yet are portayed with a humour that makes them acceptable even now in our politically correct environment. Do post some more…

  23. Lana says:

    I don’t know if I’m a good flirt. Where I come from (a small island) there are no guys worth flirting with. When I was on the East Coast apparently I was too good at it because my older cousin gave me warning about college guys. But I don’t know what I was doing … ? I was being nice but isn’t there more to flirting?

  24. Welcome to the club! You’re the second member. Haha. My friends call me a man-hater– which i totally am not, by the way. I just have this inexplicable inabililty to interact with guys I’m attracted to. Normal guys, I can talk to. But man, when that hot person just approaches all of a sudden, my heart palpitates like crazy. When they aren’t there, I think I’m bad ass but when they come, I feel like molten ice cream. Isn’t there a flirtation 101 class out there? Hyeeeelp!

  25. dreamcreateexpress says:

    This is an awesome post!! Thank you soooo much for sharing.

    “Anytime I have ever flirted (or attempted unsuccessfully to flirt) I have felt like a complete and total moron afterwards. Like, I think back on what I said and I can’t help but feel that I acted a fool.”

    I so could have written that!! I do however hope you don’t stay in your utility closet for too long. While I too am no good at flirting, but definitely major in stressing about my actions, to my surprise a guy has said yes to meeting up for coffee….so whether it goes beyond friends or not…..my actions mustn’t be too stupid, (and here’s to me not being stupid at coffee) and I’m sure yours aren’t either!

    Just keep talking and being you!! Thanks again.

  26. Ladies here is some help from a wizened woman….or as I’ve been called, a MILF.

    Example #1
    (For trying to get someone’s attention across the crowded Bar)
    Make eye contact and DON’T BREAK IT too soon. After he’s felt your gaze, hold his eyes a little longer, give a little half smile (like you have a secret) and slowly lower your eyes, and lick your lips, and put your hand through the back of your hair. Then turn and talk to someone else, or go to the Bar and order a drink, go to the ladies room, whatever. Move around so he can approach you.

    Example #2
    (For when you’re already in a conversation/on a date)
    Touch him while you talk…Be FUN and upbeat….While he’s talking, make the “I’m very interested in you ” half frown, maybe bite your lower lip a little and nod your head . You can also do this while looking him up and down with an expression that says “I’d trying to decide if I want to eat you or blow you.”

    Works every time!

  27. ya know, I don’t think anyone knows the ‘right’ way to flirt. Everyone’s got their own formula I guess. I think you should face your ‘daemons’ and just do it…… just handing out some advice cos I have an abundance of it 😉

    funny blog btw, I think I’ll follow it. Also, don’t run/hide, it’s confusing and you won’t make progress… the guy would prob be thinking on the lines of “I wonder if she likes me??… nah, on to my business”

  28. ya know, I don’t think anyone knows the ‘right’ way to flirt. Everyone’s got their own formula I guess. I think you should face your ‘daemons’ and just do it…… just handing out some advice cos I have an abundance of it 😉

    funny blog btw, I think I’ll follow it.

  29. Michelle says:

    holy comments batman, i had to scroll halfway to inuvik to get to the reply box! haha

    just throwin this out there, but flirting is overrated. Take it from a natural born flirt. People think “this girl is confident and can talk to anyone”, but the fact is it’s just insecurity under a different blanket.

    Us natural flirts typically need the male attention to make us feel pretty, or worth being attracted to. Downside? We (I) flirt with everyone (well, I used to. I realized it needed to change) and when you flirt with everyone, you flirt with people you would never even consider dating. you end up toying with boys emotions, and you end up thinking you like a boy just because he likes you and after dating for (x) amount of time you break up because you realize you don’t even like this dolt and you break his heart.

    It’s pretty unfair to dudes too; I mean come on guys, you’re so easy. Two things, lingering eye contact with a little smirk. Within minutes you’ll be leaving your dude pack to come talk to us.

    Basically, flirts are annoying, don’t be a flirt. Because flirts say silly things like “I can’t help it, I’m just a flirt” after you have just reamed them out for flirting with your boyfriend, and your dad.

    The right guy will come along one day, he’ll really see you, and he’ll chase you. He won’t let you hide, or run, or disappear and you will just be you, and that’s all you need.

    loved the candidness of your post 🙂

  30. itwasabeautifullie says:

    i am DEFINITELY a flirt failure. when i’m not flirting, everyone accuses me of it. when i am… i just fail. period. 😛 glad I’m not the only one, though! hang in there, fellow flirt failures. we’ll figure it out one day. 😉

  31. I like your post, and your honesty. Here’s my 2 cents, for whatever that’s worth to ya 😉

    I think that your paragraph that starts with.. “Another problem would be the paralyzing shyness I have when interacting with attractive males….” really explains it all. I think it’s an issue of self confidence. I could be wrong. But why not make eye contact with anyone? I think instead of working on your flirting skills, you need to work on your sense of self worth. I’m not saying you are all depressed and self loathing or anything – LOL. Just saying that you need to be able to look a man, any man, in the eye and not think twice about it. I can. I can talk to anyone. And I have often been told in the past that I am a flirt. Even when I was making no attempt at it whatsoever. For the most part I don’t try (although I admit I have at times). But I think things that are seen as flirty, just kind of come naturally to me.

    I really think a lot of it comes down to this though. My father instilled something in me from a very young age. He said, “Deb, nobody is better than you. Nobody. You aren’t better than anybody else either. But never let anybody make you feel like they are better than you.” It’s darn good advice.

    Don’t be shy around attractive men as if you are not worthy of their conversation or attention. You don’t have to be a purposeful flirt. But show self confidence. Not cockiness. But just show that you are comfortable in your own skin. And you’ll do just fine. Think about it like this, would you want to date a man that stared at the floor and averted eye contact like he was intimidated in the situation? Probably not. Same goes for men.

    The next time you see an attractive single guy look him in the eyes and smile. A quick, genuine, friendly smile. That’s all. Just do that. Then keep walking. It’s no pressure, because you don’t plan on hanging around trying to get it to lead someplace. Just do it and keep moving. Just try it out, see how it feels. You can ease your way into things. You don’t have to be perfect all at once. Don’t be hard on yourself. What do you have to loose?

    http://www.DorkyDeb.com

  32. cvanlang says:

    Hey,
    I think you have something better than the ability to flirt: wit. Just be yourself. From reading your post, I can tell that you can make an ordinary story a great one. That talent will take you much further than flirting. Forget flirting, hone in on your wit. The right guy will come to you. In the end, guys who fall for flirty girls are not for you.
    Go girl!

  33. cyranowriter says:

    You should try/
    being a guy/
    who’s a flirtation failure./
    Rather than being an allure,

    I get told I’m immature,
    or dense,
    or too intense.
    I’m not sure

    What to do to change
    that scene.
    I mean,
    it’s not that I’m deranged.

    I just like to say “You’re attractive” or “Nice purse.”
    And women look at me like I’m a ______… or worse.

    ———–
    A sonnet for you.
    And if you and your crew
    want to read more of MY
    romantic woes (sigh)…

    head over to cyranowriter.wordpress.com

      1. cyranowriter says:

        Girl on the contrary
        1) that was an attempt to flirt.
        2) How did it work?
        3) Can you tell me how to “unfollow” you (or not get all the comments that you’re getting, in MY inbox?) I must have clicked “see when someone responds to this comment” (thinking it would be about MY comment, not EVERY comment YOU get)… and now I can’t see how to “undo” it…
        Help!
        And then I’ll let you practice flirting on me.
        CyranoWriter

  34. Ryan McGivern says:

    Flirt is a way to be like a butterfly. They are animals that are brightly coloured and make no noise at all. Think Zubaz and a mopey three Cosmo cloud. That is flirtatious.
    Making hay while the sun shines is a way of saying “I live in the midwest and I’m moving out of here as soon as possible.”
    Confidence is what brown bears have.
    Cockiness is what pandas have.
    Holding court in a bar with an air of “I got what you want” becomes easier if you’ve taken their iPhone from their pocket.
    There is more to love than impressing the other person. In fact by the looks of how my parents did it, impressing the other person may never happen at all.
    I practice flirting with myself in the mirror. I’m always like: “Brush your teeth here often?” and then I look at myself closely and see that obviously I don’t and then I say “uh, actually, I’m waiting for someone sooo…..”
    Flirt!

  35. Yeah, it all does sound pretty tragic. Only slightly less pathetic is the character trait that makes you completely blind to any flirtation aimed at you. Is it more sad to lack the ability to attract someone with flirtation or to stand there slack-jawed and glassy-eyed while a girl who likes you bounces unreceived flirtations off your dumb forehead?

  36. Being the master flirt that I am, I can only tell you that it comes naturally, not learned. But even I have said something stupid and thought “OMG why did I just say that.” The good news is that, a grade-A guy thinks that you being a bad flirt is adorable. Be you and that always wins.
    -AlessandraSpeaks

  37. danceswithfat says:

    Hilarious! I’m with you, I’m a fantastic girlfriend but I’m an atrocious flirter and dater. I blame my utter and complete lack of bullshit tolerance. In the end I think we just have to bet on awkward honesty and let it ride…I believe in us.

  38. danceswithfat says:

    Hilarious! I’m with you, I’m a fantastic girlfriend but I’m an atrocious dater. I blame my utter bullshit intolerance. In the end I think that we just have to bet on awkward honesty and let it ride…I believe in us.

  39. I LOVE this :). It is completely my life..until recently apparently. Somehow I landed this really attractive guy when at a baseball game, and for some reason, despite my lack of flirtation expertise, he keeps calling me to go out on yet another date.

    Dive in deep girl, sometimes the best things happen!
    Good luck!

    -b.

  40. knittyhiker says:

    So, um, we must have been separated at birth. Thanks for being a fellow flirt failure. I mean, I guess, thanks for that.

    I’ll be back. Thanks for the good read.

  41. Interesting… I can’t flirt either. I’m either so subtle no one catches it or glaringly obvious, to the point of just telling someone I like them. Odd thing for me is, I tend to greet most of my friends with hugs, plus I befriend guys more often than girls (it’s the way it’s always been), so people naturally I’m romantically interested in my newest friend, sometimes including the friend (not very often, though). So there is no failure 🙂 just lack of experience, for people like you and me. Plus maybe a lack of understanding from others.

  42. This reminds me of an episode of Roseanne (I forget which season) where Darlene is sitting on the couch with this boy that she likes and Becky tries to teach her how to flirt – of course it goes horribly wrong.

    I’m not that awkward around people, but I actually think it’s because I’m not attractive enough to think in a hundred years that anyone would flirt back (and yeah – I’m married anyway).. so I never really have flirted with anyone. If I did, I bet I’d come off as super cheesy though.

    Anyway, great post and congrats on being freshly pressed!!

    http://sociosound.wordpress.com

  43. Ghetto_Philosopher says:

    Just so you know, a girl saying “I don’t know how to flirt”, is a great way to flirt. It’s pretty attractive actually.

      1. Ghetto_Philosopher says:

        It’s why I’m here. I’m just saying, as soon as I saw that, I totally found you irresistible. By the way, I love reading all the advice you got since they were mostly in opposition to each other.

  44. I can’t pull it off, myself. I feel phony when I try, and as you said, I want someone to like me for me. But then if I don’t do anything, they don’t know I’m interested. The only thing I can do is just flat out ask the guy out.

  45. offeringmyownconfusion says:

    I never knew how to flirt either! I tend to be nice though, that must be how I landed a husband 😀

  46. I hear ya sister—I’ve sucked at flirting my whole life…and if a girl is flirting with me, there’s a decent chance I won’t even realize it until she’s on her 3rd date with a different guy…

    If I’m still single when I’m 75—I’m getting a Swiss mail-order bride…

    …don’t judge me 🙂

    -s

  47. This is why I drink. Seems to work… as long as the guy is drinking too. Or maybe it’s that I hit on drunk guys? Either way, liquor is involved in successful flirting.

  48. I can tell that you and I would be great friends. I suck at pretense, so the vapid flair to standard flirting both bothers and escapes me. As far as eye contact goes, I offer my profile as often as possible, out of shyness, but I end up looking like an unapproachable prude. In the off chance that I’ve had enough liquid courage to look, I make eye contact with the guy who ends up writing bad poetry about my feet and who bites blocks of cheese with his bare teeth. It’s true. I’ve quit my job to write a book about it. Fact.
    Best wishes to us both in finding that one guy each who adores authenticity.

  49. Colin L Beadon says:

    When I was young, I was terrified of girls, though I really wanted one, my own.
    Then I got to that sudden age when I decided to throw all caution to the winds, and my life started to whirl, and I look back at my younger self now, and wish I’d not wasted so much time now I’m 75, and still fall in love on every street corner.

  50. I get that paralyzing, gaze-avoiding shyness whenever I’m around people I’m attracted to as well. I keep hoping I’ll grow out of it, but four years out of college in the real world haven’t done me any good.

    I also, unfortunately, have no idea what counts as flirting. My general friendliness and interest in people’s lives (until they reveal themselves as terribly boring) seems to read as flirtation. It’s not – and the number of men who misread my friendliness as flirting is kind of irritating.

  51. Great post and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    “I’m really nice to people in general but, if you act stupid or say something ridiculous I will definitely without hesitation make fun of you and probably turn it into a blog post.”

    This is SO me. I think I’m a pretty decent flirt, but it can come out as insulting… and, believe it or not, some men DO find that attractive. Go figure. 🙂

    I look forward to reading more!

    Natina

    http://humansareassholes.wordpress.com/

  52. Having trouble with the cute guys you want to meet?

    I am long married and well past my prime and I still get attention.

    Here is how.

    Just be honest…no seriously.

    I see a cute guy running and I am biking past I call out,
    “It’s working for you!”

    Cute guy comes into my office with killer eyes I tell him so.

    I’m not looking for trouble just living life and letting the
    he-men know they are appreciated.

    Don’t you as a woman want to know someone notices you?

    http://gmomj.wordpress.com/

  53. I think that lots of times people are just natural flirts who do it without thinking. Surprisingly and unknown to me I seem to be a natural flirt at times. I think the best thing is not to think that your flirting or try, because whenever I have tried to flirt, I feel exactly like you do. I feel stupid, I don’t know what I was saying, and I kinda want to crawl into a hole and hide.

    Just be yourself, and try not to be anyone else or force yourself to be something you’re not. I was a jackass to my current b/f when I met him and I certainly was myself, but yet he still was interested in me, go figure. I think that making eye contact and smiling is the biggest thing, a smile can say a thousand things and can be sexier than anything else at times.

  54. I know that feeling also. When I was in high school. I was not a master of getting the ladies. I was too much of a geek. As usual I would be looking for a woman who was really hot. But in actuality, I was pretty insecure about the way I looked. I was a bit on the chubby side and sported braces. I never felt ‘sexy’ as a teenager. I just became a goth kid who always wore black and wore outrageous big clothes to cover myself up.

    By the time I got into college. I rediscovered myself. Talking to women and finding my inner voice. A few women though I was attractive and asked me out on dates. I felt good about myself. So when I went home for my first post-high school homecoming, I walked arm and arm with a beautiful college woman, named Natasha. She was my supermodel.

    You have to find your inner voice and learn how to love yourself. Then when you get to that point of inner confidence about you as a woman, true love is easier to find.

    Vastauniverse….

  55. Flirting is not exactly being nice; it’s just being friendly. “Hi, my name is….” There’s not much more to it. Guys are notoriously east to flirt with – make eye contact and we assume you are flirting. Say “hello” and we assume you want us. I like the exercise someone gave you to do, looking strangers in the eye in an airport. It’s pretty much the same. I always used to find it was easier to meet people when I’m traveling. It’s all just being friendly until one or both of you find the other attractive and you continue the conversation. When someone is a stranger, and there is no reason to be talking to them, and you’re talking about random silly things, then you’re flirting.

  56. stevebee92653 says:

    I don’t have any tips on flirting. Probably if you are looking for an LTR, flirting wouldn’t be the way you would get that off the rocket pad. Long term meetings, doing things in common, usually is a better way. But I know exactly the feelings you have, as when I was a single guy, I had a batch of marbles that always showed up in my mouth when I was trying to impress someone I really wanted to impress. But, come to think of it, flirting at a New Years party produce my wife of many years. Somehow the marbles took that night off. Lucky me.
    Anyway, what I wanted to really say is I enjoy your writing. You are excellent at it. It is rare for me to read a blog and come off with a smile. Yours gave me a big one. Good stuff! Keep up the good work.

  57. mstatic says:

    Well in the end it’s you that matters, when mr right comes along hell see thru you to what you are not some nice words you say to me.

    I do use the wink and a special approach when i start flirting, but maybe thats the thing just giving attention and if you don’t care to give it then u might not just like that person?

    Well my advice is just be yourself! flirt is nice but honest words are even better.

  58. Congrats on achieving freshly pressed 🙂
    I’m new to the whole ‘blogging’ thing, so still need a bit of time to get there myself! – hopefully one day.

    Thanks for posting this, I’ve never had much success with love, although I’ve been told i’m a good flirt..not really a typical combination but nevertheless, it is essential to always be yourself, and just be confident.

    You can never go wrong with that!

    xoxo

  59. Here’s an exercise. Go to the airport. It is full of people going someplace else in a hurry so that there is no chance of further interaction and it is totally anonymous.

    Walk through the terminals. Look for guys that are walking the other way. When you are about 8 feet away, look them in the eye for one second (hold it, one full second!), then look down. Oh, and don’t forget to keep walking. Do that several hundred times it won’t feel so weird.

    Next time you go to the airport, do it again, but this time hold their eye for one second and toss in a small smile the look down. You’ll thrill the hell out of a bunch of guys, a lot of whom, like me, are also really shy.

    I can guarantee this much: 1. it won’t kill you; 2. you’ll feel much more comfortable being seen by men.

  60. Just be yourself. F*ck flirting. Believe it or not, some guys (such as myself) are sick of flirty chicks. The unspoken rule among us guys is that if she’s a big flirt and she’s flirting with you, don’t think for one goddam second that you’re special. You’ll tie yourself down to her and she’ll still be out there flirting.

    So be yourself. You’re something special, and genuine.

  61. i like this post! maybe even contains the answer therein? it proves you are insightful? i think so much of flirtation is down to interpretation of body language. every situation is unique but it is about projecting the best parts of yourself, using your eyes, offering temptation and sometimes knowing when to walk away at the right time. be brave, leave an impression. if it doesn’t work, be able to laugh at yourself, it’s an attractive quality in itself. it’s a performance really. we’re not so different from the animals and insects you see on nature documentaries..

    still, i’m laughing to myself how easily this could all go so very very wrong!

  62. I do personally find that just being myself, shooting the breeze with the other person, tends to elicit more attention from men than when I try to hard to think of something clever to say, winking, smile plastered on my face, etc.

    Like some other posters have commented, it’s best when you are in your element. I love sports, so talking about something I’m passionate about brings out the passion in me, which in turn brings out the natural laugh, smile, insights, jokes rather than something contrived. To me, it’s only flirting if you are conscious of doing it.

    Do what you enjoy, be around men who also enjoy or appreciate that, and let the “flirtation” begin.

      1. hah, you are completely right. this is completely the wrong audience for this debate. i also think if most people could actually see themselves flirting they’d jump inside that closet with you. hang on.. success! no!

      2. Blogging weirds people out? I could see how the imaginary friends thing might…

        And most people have more than two interests. I like to eat, I like music, I like books, I like exercise, I like creating spreadsheets in Excel… I just meant something you feel comfortable talking about because you enjoy doing it. That way it doesn’t feel forced, or feel like “flirting”. Just talking.

        I’m a shy person, but get me started on topics like the Maple Leafs, or creating macros in Excel, and I’m a talker.

  63. I thank you for writing your article. I like to hear what is on a woman’s mind whether I agree with her or not.

    If I am attracted to a woman, I can have two different reactions. One is that I might look at her. Another might be that I might look away and avoid her. Considering I Corinthians 6:9-10, some women are so attractive that I might not be able to handle them. But if I am in a different mood, I might look, as I said; for I like beauty.

  64. The thing about flirting is that it never works if you are aware of/attempting it. People used to tell me I was flirty when I had no idea I was doing it. I seem to have lost the talent though. I definitely relate to the shyness and hiding!

  65. I’d be willing to bet that if you are finding yourself extremely attracted to someone – you might find yourself flirting in some way without even knowing it – which is the best kind because it is the most sincere.

    When it comes to flirting with a cop to get out of a ticket – perhaps your heart isn’t in it and that is good – they’ve got a quota to fill 🙂

  66. VaVe says:

    I have only one way to deal with attractive guys. Pretend that they aren’t male, that I’m not mentally drooling over them.
    As for flirting, I see it as telling bad jokes and laughing at anything that sounds like it’s supposed to be funny. Though if the guy isn’t a compete stranger this generally turns into random insults.
    Flirting can be fun as long as it isn’t done too much because then it can get out of hand.

    1. I have a really good imagination so I think I will pretend all attractive guys are really just owls because owls are my favorite animal and I bet they have a lot of interesting things to say. Thanks for reading!

  67. Hopefully I’m not repeating something others have written, but I can’t help wondering why a smart, attractive lady like yourself needs to flirt in the first place? (See how easy flirting is, btw?) If that’s your photo and these are your words written on this blog, then guys are noticing you, believe me.

    I wonder if the real issue might be you not realizing when guys are interested. I sense that’s pretty common among women.

    So I know that “be yourself” never seems like useful advice, but if you let yourself believe that “yourself” is someone desirable, a lot of other stuff falls into place. Good luck!

      1. You flirted!!!!! That was the perfect response 🙂 You were yourself, and the ‘flirt’ came out. Loved the post. To be honest, it really got me to thinking about how there are those who are natural at the Flirting Game, and other who aren’t – then there are those that try too hard and just become slutty… Anyways, posts like this are very refreshing to read! Thank you!

        Hemlock
        http://nezumi102.wordpress.com/

  68. Just be yourself,even if you think its the wrong way to go but at least give a try, you will impress when you don’t try to impress. it has worked for me! being too self focused cripples you,get out there and enjoy new challenges

    oh and yes, it will annoy people when you joke about them on your blog,its normal you know…good luck out there

    1. Thanks for reading! And I know you’re right about the blogging thing but I just can’t help myself…..maybe when I meet people I should say something like “Hi, I’m so-and-so and I blog so anything you say in this conversation could end up on the internet. Nice to meet you.”

  69. rhiella1expat says:

    congrats on getting freshly pressed 😉

    I don’t think it’s something you can learn, its just a habit. If you are so shy then flirting isn’t someting thats going to come naturally. I couldn’t flirt on purpose… like girls who flirt with someone they don’t fancy in order to get something from them…

    to me, flirting is just the way I act around someone I find very attractive. I’m quite lucky in that, in normal life I am pretty shy, but when faced with a beautiful man I instantly become wittier, a bit louder and giggly. I couldn’t go up to a stranger on the street and ask the time or for directions, I can’t call up my telephone company for help, but I can see a beautiful man, walze over and say ‘how you doin!’

    You’re not missing out on much though, i’d much rather the person I fall for like me for the shy retiring ‘ohmygod I can’t phone for the takeaway can you pleeeeease’ do it person I really am.

    So… this comment did not have much structure but basically what I’m trying to say is just Be Yourself and the right person will find it kind of cute that you’re trying to hide! x

  70. HERMINA says:

    Some times flirting can be fun and other times it can be dangerous. We live in a world where some men and or women may take “flirting” the wrong way.

    In all the best thing to do is “be yourself”. Why flirt?who are you trying to attract? Being yourself is the best way to go and if someone likes something about you, then they will respond and if not, then move on. Next.

  71. I agree that flirting is all about confidence. But here’s the key: when you’re in the beginning stages of flirting, it ALWAYS feels awkward, but after a while you’ll get used to it.

    And you just have to have the “I don’t care” attitude when flirting, meaning that if it goes well then more power to you, but if it doesn’t work as planned, you just have to brush it off and move on.

    As you grow older flirting gets easier because you don’t really think about “flirting”…you just do it.

    Keep your chin up:)

  72. You try and flirt with people in front of your mum? That’s probably step one of where you are going wrong. I can’t even watch a passionate kissing scene on the telly in front of my mum without feeling embarrassed. Next time you see someone you like and your mum is with you, push her down the stairs, out of the way. Not really sure why I’m giving advice, that was advice I think anyway. I’m awful with people so I understand your pain.

    Don’t lose all hope though, I’m weird and quite around people too, but you also get to meet other weird and quite people that way and in turn you have more things in common. I met an old girlfriend of my mine at a house party when she smeared a Jaffa Cake into my head because I was being weird and quite and she some how didn’t find my face or awkwardness repelling.

    So here’s some more unqualified advice; don’t worry about trying too hard because ultimately that’s not you and is more than likely a farce you wont be able to keep up.

    Can’t believe I just said that, I’m a hopeless curmudgeon and misanthrope. I must have found you charming or something.

    1. Why thank you. I like to be found charming. I don’t really flirt in front of my Mom- because I don’t flirt at all. She just wishes I would flirt more I guess. I can’t believe you dated someone who smeared a jaffa cake on your head- I would have thought that would be a definite no. Thanks for reading!

  73. I wish I could give you tips, but I am one too. 😦

    Cute guys make me all flustered. I’m always worried about saying the worst things.

    Guy: “I’d love to have coffee right now.”
    Me: *nods*
    Guy: “Are you saying you want coffee, too?”
    Me: *nods*
    Guy: “Let’s buy then.”

    I’ve tried easing the nervousness a bit, by always thinking “Hey, he’s just a guy. If he doesn’t find me funny/cute/witty, it’s his loss!” 🙂

  74. Some one probably mentioned this already but…

    flirting is all in confidence. Not even fake confidence, but the real deal. Confident that if you look stupid for a little while you know you aren’t, confident if this guy turns you down the right guy won’t, confident that even if the worst imaginable thing happens (and honestly is that even that bad?) you can always laugh it over with friends later. Or blog it up 😉

    I suggest to start with fake confidence, just as if you start to fake liking some one, you usually end up actually liking them on accident. Eventually it will become second nature, and one day you’ll look back at a conversation with a hsg (hot smart guy) and realize you were flirting without trying, just by holding a regular, no pressure conversation.

    Anyways, I give those tips because I once was the kid who held a two year crush before asking out that special lady, all which ended in a two month period of shame, which I am exceedingly thankful for.

    Good luck out there 😉

  75. Don’t even try. Flirting is a game that has nothing to do with starting a real relationship. The best flirts tend to be out of the game. I suspect flirting is largely a safe way of getting ego affirmation.

    It doesn’t sound like you actually want to flirt, it sounds like you’d like a relationship. In my experience the best way to find a relationship is to stop looking for one. Do things that you are interested and be yourself. You will have fun, enjoy yourself and be >you<. Better yet, you'll no doubt run into people, preferably of the correct gender, with similar interests.

    Trust me, down the road you will be much happier if you end up with someone you can discuss things with. 😀

    1. Thanks! I don’t know that I am looking for a relationship- I’m pretty set in my single ways but I would definitely like to be able to converse with attractive guys, you know, just in case.

  76. This made me laugh.
    Hello, my name’s Kathryn & I was named Biggest Flirt highschool. LOL, I don’t know HOW I got it, but I got it. I think one thing you could do is make male friends, not the ‘ Incredibly Attractive ‘ kind but like friends. Once you get used to talking to the opposite sex, it’s not really that hard to flirt with them.

  77. Flirting has NOTHING to do with being nice. It has to do with non-verbally saying the opposite of what you are saying. I am an excellent flirt. I am not excellent at being nice.

  78. Love love love this post! I am not certain if I am terrible with flirtations…but it certainly is not natural. Forced flirting is…just…awkward.

    One place where I know how to flirt well is at work. I worked as a dispatcher and could almost get any technician to take an extra call or two with a simple lilt of the voice. Wait…is that wrong? 😉

  79. One thing a (former) friend of mine always did that made guys think she was fabulous was to completely focus on whoever she happened to be talking to, coupled with smiling and (occasionally) batting her eyelashes. Men would fall all over themselves for her attention, even though she could be an unbelievable bitch if you pissed her off.

    Giving someone your undivided attention, along with smiling and sometimes laughing at their bad jokes will go a long way.

    Or just forget he’s a cute guy and think of him as a potential new friend. How would you go about talking to a friend? You ask about things they like to do, right?

    That would be my advice, at any rate. Good luck!

  80. aka gringita says:

    Loved this post… I am severely “flirting impaired” myself (and can’t believe I don’t get a parking placard for that)!

  81. einefeistyberg says:

    Wow! I’m thinking, “Here is someone young who sounds like this ol’ lady (me),” And I see you struck a resonant chord with tons (ok, maybe just kilos) of people. Congrats on making the front page – I like that you respond to comments!

  82. I have the same problem as Vanessa; I’m all smiles and friendly conversation until someone points out that it could’ve been interpreted as flirting and I’m left with letting them down easily.

    But my Mum, who is also rather big on honesty, tells me before every date (because I get so unbelieveably nervous every time), to just be myself. And, so far, so good. (Looks like she was right again!)

    1. Wow. Let’s hope violence isn’t in my future.
      Police Officer- How did you get stabbed in the face ma’am?
      GirlontheContrary- I flirted really poorly.

      End scene. That would be beyond tragic.

  83. I know how you feel, sometimes I say things so unbelievably stupid when I flirt! I’m actually just back into the dating game (just got out of a 7 year relationship, so I’m relearning the ropes myself. And no, it’s NOT like riding a bike!) Here are the things I keep telling myself as I’m working on my flirting skills:

    1) Practice makes perfect. You get more confident, you learn what works (and what clearly doesn’t) and the rejection or failure stops stinging so much. And when I say practice, I mean force yourself every day to flirt with someone. It’ll get easier and easier, better and better, as time goes by. Just last night I flirted recklessly with a police officer that helped me change my flat tire. For no good reason, but to practice. See story here: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2010/08/12/three-strikes-and-%e2%80%a6/

    2) Be yourself. Don’t try to flirt like your best friend or like the girls on Jersey Shore (haha, like you would). You will come off seeming fake. And, when you are yourself, you will find that people will like you for you – and if not, they didn’t deserve your flirtation anyway!

    3) Find something that works. And stick to it. Like it’s your job. Use the same exact lines on every single guy. They won’t know that it’s tried and true. You will just know that you are comfortable with it and it works for you.

    Love the blog. Good luck! Catherine

  84. Nice blog!

    I have the opposite problem when it comes to flirting. I am a genuinely outgoing person and I like to strike up conversations with people – especially if I’m out with a group and meeting friends of friends.

    Unfortunately I come across as more interested in guys than I really am and end up in awkward situations involving me developing strategies for letting ’em down easy. Sigh.

  85. Very cute post! I have a crazy sense of humour and will do anything to make people laugh. Really. So when I first started trying to “flirt” with my boyfriend, I would say the weirdest things… like, about the statistics on sexual health in baltimore in the 1990’s, or the best dog breed for a small apartment, or just sick perverted jokes!
    But: he has a weird sense of humour, too, and has even sicker jokes than mine. He always thought I was funny, and that my slight awkwardness was cute and charming.
    Just find a guy who wants to play hide-and-seek 🙂

  86. Good lord Girl, Just relax and be yourself. And if that doesn’t work grab the guy by the ears and plant a big kiss on him, then say “I like you” before walking away slowly. He will follow like a lost puppy dog!

  87. Love the blog! I’m crap at flirting too but I reckon you’ve got to be yourself otherwise you’ll end up with someone who’s only right for someone else!! It just might take a little longer…..!

  88. kudos to all the flirting addicts! I’m with you. the trick is to make whoever you are talking to feel like the most extra special person ever. or read The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. It’s surprisingly intellectual and an a-maz-ing read for anyone who needs help or the most insatiable flirts (comme moi).

  89. Ok- I really am trying to reply to everyone’s comments but it’s a bit overwhelming. I promise I’m not ignoring you because I was freshly pressed and am now really famous. I am reading them all and will try t respond to everyone(ish) it just might not be timely. Or relevant. Or interesting. Thanks so much to everyone for reading and commenting!!!!!

  90. Great post, I can relate to the horrors of flirting attempts. Nothing like falling flat on your face (literally) when trying to appear attractive! Congrats on making Fresh Pressed.

  91. Oh I am an insatiable flirt. It’s such a natural thing for me that can or has caused trouble for me in the past.
    Alcohol is a great way to help with the flirting issue though. Liquid courage to take the edge off the shyness and then you can chat it up with the good looking men.
    Or practice on a guy friend and let him give you pointers on what works.

  92. I’m far from a flirting expert (very far), but i guess the only thing i can tell you is that you can’t really try to flirt if that even makes any sense. Just kind of let it happen naturally, feel the vibe and go with the flow. May you have success in your future flirting endeavors. Nice blog by the way, you have some interesting stuff.

  93. PeacockWings says:

    flirting makes perfect 😀 lol
    but i happen to be one of those people who are good at flirty but sometimes i really wish i wasn’t! lol

    youll find someone who thinks that you can’t flirt adorable!! they are out there!!

  94. being natural is the key… and the people will love it or not, you’ll find the right one for YOU.
    I have the opposite problem. It seems that I flirt when most of the time I did’nt realize I was… I guess I’m to nice with people and also too easy going !!

  95. I’m hereby promising to write you a totally awesome post about HOW TO FLIRT sometime next week on my blog. Will let you know, of course 🙂 I promise it will take you out of your misery 🙂 yes, i know what i am talking about, i am great at it (no, maybe not totally true, but i have friends who are, and I’m a GREAT observer).
    I will write it, i promise!
    http://www.sunshinediary.wordpress.com

  96. I’m not much of a flirt either. Find flirty girls love to make me a friend . . . they get all the attention that way . . . guess everyone needs a side kick. All we need now are capes.

  97. Wow, I just cackled loudly at my screen. You and me both sister, you and me both!

    In fact, I am such a horrendous flirt that the last time I even attempted it, I spilled a 2L bottle of water over this musician crush of mine two minutes before he had to go on stage….

    In a word, I am USELESS.

    1. I think you sound wonderful not useless! What a classic story- you should get some major blogging out of it. I try to use all my humiliations as fuel for my blog (that way I know I will never run out of things to write about!)

  98. No such thing as good or bad flirting. Just be yourself…if you try to be someone else you’ll attact someone you probably don’t want to be with in the first place….

    patience, grasshopper….

  99. Honey, the more you practice the better you will become. It is like looking in the mirror and smiling at ourselves so we will know exactly what look the guy is getting when we smile at them.

    I hope you do that too. If you don’t, you need to. ha ha

    You are right about flirting as being nice. In time, you will get over having to laugh at people when they screw up. When people do it to you and you see how it feels, maybe you won’t be so inclined to be that mean.

    Good luck sweetie. Girls really do need to know how to flirt properly. Too much can be dangerous.

  100. “Better to stay inside this utility closet I found to hide in and think of witty things to blog about.”

    so, so – someone really attractive finds you there, jumps in, locks the door and smiles at you (that you can’t really see, because it’s really dark of course), what do you do – go! 😉

    (some people find that flirt-failness very attractive 🙂 )

    1. Thanks! OK- if a cute guy somehow found me in the closet and trapped me there with his smiles I would simply close my eyes and go somewhere else in my imagination. OR- I would push him and kick the door open (I am really strong) and then run far far away. It’s a toss-up.

      1. Ok 🙂 But there has to be some way… I guess one can also simply skip the flirt-part, like on the net, so you’re definitely on the right track 🙂

  101. This made me laugh. Not because I’m like you and can’t flirt (because I can) but simply because I never knew NOT flirting was a possibility! I’m told I’m good with witty yet flirtatious comments even when I don’t try. Yet…does it get me anywhere? No. So more power to yah! If your inability to flirt and my wit puts us in the same position, why change? Thanks for blogging! Made me smile 🙂

  102. I have the problem of not being able to identify flirting when I see it. Or flirting and not know that I am actually doing it. Which leads to awkward goodbyes.

  103. If you substitute the word “flirt” for “having fun”, maybe it can work. Not for me though. I don’t follow my own advices.

  104. hugsandmisses says:

    I’m sure you really aren’t as bad as you say. Although, I do know how you feel. You just have to be patient and one day a guy will come along that likes you for exactly who you are and it will feel wonderful! Don’t rush it though. Good luck!

    p.s. This is coming from personal experience. 🙂

  105. Shays says:

    I think you just pretty much described my life in this post of yours. I have the same problem!. I’ve often wondered about the same things, IS it supposed to be a natural born talent?

    It’s one thing i sadly lack though i have a lot of guy friends. Haha oh well, if you find a solution to this, do share 🙂

  106. squirrelsloveacorns says:

    I personally would rather not be good at flirting because then people see that you are just being yourself and not trying to impress a person by putting on a fake face.

    It’s better to be yourself than fake it and not be the person someone thought you were.

    Very good article though, thank you so much for sharing!!

  107. Hi, I was reading all your comments and reply’s (after having read your blog as well of course) and I even find your reply’s funny and full of wit.

    I find it hard to believe that someone who’s able to read a interesting and funny piece like yours, isn’t able to flirt (or talk) with an attractive guy.

    If that’s you on your gravatar, it’s easy to say that it sure doesn’t have anything to do with your looks.

    BTW: You look like that girl who “quit” her job by mail from a blog a couple of days ago on Freshly pressed. 😀

    1. Yes, “thanks for reading” is very witty. Haha! Although I really am grateful for everyone’s reading and commenting. I’m not the girl who quit her job via whiteboard but oh my goodness how I wish I was.

  108. Funny, people think I’m flirting when that’s the last thing I intend. I’m a bit of an introvert so I’m more inclined to listen than speak, and people interpret that to mean I’m a ‘wonderful listener’ and that I find them utterly fascinating. Perhaps that’s part of it. But I think a few of the gentlemen who spoke up hit it on the head. A genuine smile, just being yourself, taking a moment to take interest in someone else, so many people find that highly flattering, therefore being around you makes them feel good.

    C.E. Grundler
    http://cegrundler.com

  109. Lisa Marie McBeth says:

    Flirting is fun! Its one of my most favorite hobbies, and men can be so easily charmed 😉 Best of luck!

  110. I don’t think flirting is worth it. I agree with what some people are saying that flirting should be “natural” as a result of meaningful interaction. Basically, if you’re already getting along well with someone, it’s easier to flirt with them because you’re naturally sweet with them. It’s like what they say about the person you marry being your best friend.

  111. I am the same, I can’t flirt. To be honet, I don’t even know how to do it (at ALL)… do you wink/look at seductively (is that a real word?)? Do you stand beside them and pretend everything the person says is extremely interesting, thus making it obvious you’re interested?
    Do you simply lock eyes with the person? Which would require some courage, but anyway…

    I feel lost when it comes to flirting. I relate to your post very much, haha 🙂

  112. Im glad to see that there is someone with the same affliction as me. I am SUCH an awful flirt. There have been times where i pull off an amazing flirtatious conversation only to slam into an elevator door. Ive answered the phone in front of my target the wrong way and then wondered, out loud, WHY people call if they arent going to speak up. There was the time where i spilled my drink on my white dress after laughing at one of the target’s jokes. This could go on endlessly. Most recently i offered someone a cookie and ended it with “Are you sure you dont want any? It’s made with real fruit”

    Nothing says sexy like a nutrition lesson.

    Good luck!!

  113. Abigail says:

    Wow! Another person who can’t flirt, finds it stupid, and… yeah. Wow. I never thought it to be possible actually. 😀

    And yes, I pretty much have all the three problems listed above. Not so much the inability to talk to guys, but more of the problem that I fear that if I talk to guys, they’ll misinterpret what I say as flirting or whatnot. So just avoiding them in general (even though I think many of them would make great friends) sounds like a good plan.

  114. I feel your pain. I’m also of the “hide in a hole instead of flirting” camp, but I tend to swing between being really, really sarcastic and really, really nice. So then people ask me why I’m hitting on their crush/ boyfriend and I’m like, “I’ve never uttered a pickup line in my entire life!”

    1. Pick-up lines! That’s what I need. Oh man, I think you just unknowingly unleashed a monster- I’m definitely memorizing some pick-up lines. I will let you know how it goes (my guess is not well).

      1. I have a whole list, you should email me! (I use them as jokes on my non-romantic guyfriends.) Some pick up lines are worth it just because of how retarded they are.

  115. You know, the funny thing is, that witty sarcasm is what I like in a man, and what most of my guy friends like in a woman. If someone burns someone else, and I mean REALLY gets them good, there are a lot of “OOOHH!!!!”s and high fives. And that my friend, in our group, is the best kind of flirting. My fiance` and I burn each other all the time. It’s a verbally violent expression of love. xD
    Stand firm in your sarcasm! You’ll find someone else who enjoys good witty banter, and doesn’t care if your eyelashes flutter every three seconds. Goodness knows mine don’t! I’m more likely to punch you in the face before I do that… heh…

  116. Hi!
    Nice post.
    I’m a guy and I’m bad at flirting too, even though I’m not disastrous.
    What I’m terrible at is noticing when some girl is flirting with me and that absolutely sucks. It makes me feel very stupid. Some even think I’m gay! Since I’m too distracted and not a great flirter as well, it just happens a lot. Funny isn’t it?

  117. 2Φ3Σ27Φ (\)λ√λ22Φ says:

    i find that going out of my way to make people feel bad about them selvs is just as attractive as flirting (i’m gust saying)

  118. There’s a silver lining to everything. Thanks to your hiding in closets, you may have a successful career ahead of you as an independent contractor organizing people’s closets and assorted messes. You may also become an inventor of the the Smart Closets-you know, closets that besides housing your sweaters, shoes and jeans, can do everything, including flirting on your behalf.

    http://www.wordsfromawoman.wordpress.com

  119. kvgb says:

    I happen to have the same problem as you. Exactly the same, almost eerily the same. I’m great at hiding and I’m great at stuttoring even when giving that hot guy directions when he’s lost. And I am like a silly 13 year old when I flirt. You put it in the words though, I’m out. Great post

  120. Liked your post! Looking back on my flirting days I cringe at the idiocy. I’m shy, too, so it was doubly hard and embarrassing.

    But as a word of encouragement, I did manage to attract my husband (a wonderfully sweet geek) without either of us having to change who we are. Maybe being yourself is the best way to flirt?

    Anywho. Good post and good luck!

  121. Flirting was never my strong point. Neither was playing the dating game in general. I had really good guy friends who tried to teach me to play the game. It didn’t work. I reverted to being myself every time. Eventually I gave up on flirting (and somewhat on dating) to just be myself.

    Eight months ago I was out dancing with girlfriends and found myself talking and dancing with a guy. I never conciously thought about flirting with him. I was myself – direct, honest, and more than just a little quirky. At the end of the evening he asked for my number and we started dating, but sans all the typical games. We got engaged this past weekend.

    I guess my point is, you don’t have to be a flirtation genius, or even a flirt at all. Yourself is more than enough to find someone. They just may not look the way you think. So next time you’re slinking off to hide…look for the guys who are doing the same thing.

    Congrats on Freshly Pressed.

  122. I sympathize, but those good-looking guys are useless anyway. They are too vapid and conceited for brilliant girls to enjoy a good flirt with. Start flirting with the ones you could care less about. Leave them w/their tongues hanging out of their mouths wishing for more…it’s great practice and a giant confidence booster. Which is all you really need. You’re letting your ego get in the way of good conversation. ENJOY EVERY MOMENT-even the bad ones! If nothing else, they make for good blogging.

  123. Hmm, not sure the comment I posted is awaiting approval or if WordPress thought it was spam because I linked to Cynthia Heimel’s book? Anyway, just wanted to say I had the same problem, but I’ve learned that it pays to turn on the “nice” sometimes, and you can definitely learn to be flirtatious and/or confident around cute men! Great post!

  124. Actually, you CAN be yourself and attract a guy. I know this from experience. After countless rejections, I gave up on men and decided to just love myself the way I am. Then an amazing guy basically fell out of the sky and we’ve been together for 6 months. He likes me for the real me, and he’s such a great bf. Don’t give up hope! Just stop looking for a guy and they’ll come to you. Be yourself 🙂

  125. I flirt with everyone — it makes them feel good. And it’s nice to be brazen. Although I get weird around really hot guys (or really talented ones) too. I giggle…and repeat myself.

    Thanks for the post, very funny. And I’m a funny gal with a funny blog of my own, so that’s a BIG compliment. But don’t worry, I’m not flirting with you. 😉

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

  126. Well, Girl on the Contrary, old friend, congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. I am impressed and also insanely jealous. Mostly impressed. And hopeful that the fact that you have Writer’s Block (or By My Ink, rather) on your blogroll will send some people my way! hahaha

    I just flirt with people in my head. It’s so much better because it always ends with them saying “wow Cappy, you are so great” and taking me to Paris.

    1. Thanks Cappy! And thanks for reading my blog before anyone else did! Yes! I hope this sends lots of people your way because I love your blog and it deserves to be read by millions of people! Also, usually my fantasies end in London (we are so Euro!)

  127. Speaking as an attractive male, I can say you’re probably not as bad off as you think.

    First, don’t imagine that guys don’t notice you. If you are even halfway attractive, they do.

    All you have to do, if you are really nervous, is smile at a guy. If he has any testosterone, he’ll approach you. Let him lead the conversation. Just answer his questions.

    Also, don’t underestimate how attractive many men find the shyness and nervousness you’re describing. It’s sweet and feminine. Whether you know it or not, even running away and hiding is a kind of flirting.

  128. I would rather not be a good flirt than to be overly flirty. I’ve observed the overly firty woman that end up making a total fool out of themselves. Honestly, they embarrass me and I’m simply the observer! Best of luck and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!!

  129. I feel the exact same way! I hate flirting, maybe because I suck at it. I am too very shy and I get all weird and stupid around guys I like. I have no idea how to overcome it. some guys think it’s cute to be shy, but where are they?

  130. Hmmm, A Witty Girl can’t be a Failure at Flirting.

    Perhaps the context of the Flirting Situation is what is off.

    When you find yourself venting, or ranting or being utterly sarcastic or making fun of a situtation, You’ll be WAY too busy to worry about flirting and will be yourself. You’ll be “Off Guard” so to speak.

    THEN…you won’t be self-conscious and when that guy comes along and agrees with your Wittiness, well, you’ll be too caught up to notice him and Voilá, Instant Flirting 😉

    By the time you realize it, you’ll be SO DEEP IN IT, even if you do get Nervous, he’ll already find you Cute aka Attractive 😉

    LOVED Your Post! Love your Honesty. 😀

  131. two thoughts come to mind:

    1) You are not alone.
    2) alcohol.

    Don’t work on “flirting” – work on having intelligent conversations with others and enjoying others’ company. The rest (the flirting) comes naturally with meaningful interaction.

  132. “Can’t I just be myself and attract someone? The answer to that is no.”

    I disagree. The only ‘way’ to flirt is by ‘being yourself,’ being authentic, and giving of yourself to make another feel good. If you’re expecting anything more than a smile and a “good feeling,” then I don’t think it’s flirting, but “hitting on” someone, if you know what I mean.

    I flirt with 90-year old women, as well as 19 year olds. Expect nothing more than cheering ’em up with a little carefree banter that’s light and, I guess you could say, a little charming.

    Next time I see ’em, I might wink, or give them a little “nudge” if I think they could handle a little shoulder to shoulder contact. Be careful you don’t know ’em over though. Especially the 90 year old.

    michael j
    Conshohocken, PA USA

    1. I agree. I sometimes think that not many from the young generation understand the lack of harm in being genuine with others. For good reason, I can understand being cautious; however, you can be complimentary with a few words, a facial gesture, and thoughtful word without the notion of having something else attached to it. Opening the door for a young lady or young man then giving a smile, saying that the colors and outfit that the other person has on are nice or just simply smiling at a stranger who happens to catch your eye when you see them in passing are genuine actions. If someone gets offended, let them. Don’t excuse or apologize for doing so. Keep on moving along with your day.

  133. Next time the prospect of talking to an attractive man comes up and you feel the urge to “run away” try telling yourself that you are only approaching this man because you are in the Sahara desert and need to ask him for a glass of water…and in this way you will probably not feel as if he will think you are really talking to him because you want his body. Yup, a glass of water should do the trick as anybody would ask for a glass of water if she/he were really, really thirsty as you doubtless will be when asking for your glass of water. When you actually are face-to-face with this attractive man, simply smile and tell him you think he is the most attractive man you have ever seen and whether or not he says anything in response, smile again, turn around, and walk off stage.

    I really, really like your post.

  134. Raul says:

    Flirting is not hard…just don’t try to flirt. A guy can tell right away if you are trying too hard to flirt. It’s like you said, something as simple as a being really nice goes a long way. Basically thinking everything we say is funny is also a good way…lol…just don’t make us the joke. 🙂 If you think something a guy says is funny then as you are laughing touch his shoulder…drives men crazy…yes…we notice. When I met my girlfriend we flirted for months. All she had to do was look at me and something in the way she looked at me said so many things…a look goes a very long way. She was very shy, but I would catch her in a glance. Thus, even though you are shy all you have to do is look at the guy and then slowly look away. There doesn’t even have to be talking involved. You are not destined for flirtation failure…

    http://www.wutevs.wordpress.com

    1. Tony says:

      Ha! If you have smooth, shapely, thick gorgeous legs like the girl in the FLIRT MAGAZINE above … you can flirt with me with, or without, stilettos ANY DAY!!!!!

      Most guys dig chicks that flirt, even the ones that aren’t very good at it. Actually bad, but innocent flirting, is sexy!

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