Dear couple making-out behind my car,
How are you? Actually don’t answer that. From the heavy petting and sloppy kisses I am now witnessing I can assume you are doing well. Very well indeed. I am also doing well. I have a problem, however, you are MAKING-OUT BEHIND MY CAR. This is both oddly fascinating and incredibly inconvenient. Fascinating because I’m not sure why you chose my car, out of every car in this parking garage, to make-out behind. What was it about my car that screamed romance? I have a cute hibiscus flowers bumper sticker, did this image of a tropical flower remind you of some pleasant hours spent in some tropical location? I am really quite interested in the answer to this question. Why my car? I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining but you are making it very awkward to walk up to my car because I feel like I’m interrupting your special moment. Although I guess from my perspective, your special moment is actually interrupting my ability to get in my car and go home. I guess there’s blame to share.
Here’s the thing. I really, really, want to go home. I have had a very long day at work and I would like to get in my car, blast my radio, and drive home. I am having trouble getting to my car, however, because you are blocking my path to the driver side door- also, even if you weren’t blocking my way to my door you would still make it impossible for me to drive away because you are MAKING-OUT BEHIND MY CAR. Please move. I am now approaching my car and I have slowed my walking hoping you will notice and move on. No? Ok- you have instead decided to begin groping each other obscenely. I can’t help but think you are doing this to disrupt my journey home. Might I ask why? What have I done to deserve this type of obscene inconvenience?
I am now clicking the automatic unlock button on my king ring. This flashes my tail-lights. You are now being illuminated by red light. This is really my last course of action before I have to ask you to move. Surely you notice the red lights blinking at you. No? No? You want to continue MAKING-OUT BEHIND MY CAR? Ok. Ok. You have left me little choice here. I will be going home today whether that interrupts your make-out session or not.
I am walking right up to you now. I am about to ask you to move. All of the sudden you both look at me with an expression that says “You dirty little voyeur”. Now that was simply out of line. I am not a voyeur. I am just a girl on the contrary who is looking forward to going home after a long day at work. You are the offender here. Not me. Finally, you realize you are embracing behind my car. You throw me another hateful look and walk away still madly groping one another.
I am writing you to ask for an apology. I think I am owed one. Yes, I have written this letter in my head as I am walking towards you. Yes, I interrupted your weird parking garage centered sexual fantasy. I admit those things. I do think, however, this entire episode could have been avoided if you had chosen another car to make-out behind. Perhaps your own car? Might that have been a better choice? Oh well. That is neither here nor there. What’s done is done. I do think, though, you owe me an apology. Your little make-out session caused me to have significant amounts of anxiety and awkwardness. All I need is an apology, and a promise this will never happen again.
Hoping you are well,
Girl on the Contrary aka the girl whose car you were MAKING-OUT BEHIND
Below you will find a re-creation of the situation. I think this makes it clear how awkward this was.