I’m a Life Saver. I Save Lives.

So, a couple of my co-workers/friends and I were talking about how in some cities you feel like you have to get dressed up just to go get a cup of coffee (not in Austin, thank goodness) and that’s why we try to avoid those cities like the plague because none of us really care that much but we wouldn’t want people to think we don’t care- and I don’t know why that is, but I do know our reasoning is flawless. I mentioned that I thought Dallas was like that and that I don’t think it’s fair that my sister who lives there gets a pass just because she gets to wear scrubs all the time and so no one looks at her in judgement because, hey she is a medical professional and deserves respect, and instead they always just smile at her meanwhile sending me the stink eye because I don’t wear make-up and neither does my sister but I already mentioned that scrubs are the magical get-out-of-judgement card. And I’m all, excuse me but I provide a public service as well, I help people rank on Google searches and you know those paid ads that you never read or click on when you do a Google search? Yeah those ads you are annoyed by. I write those sucker! You’re welcome. But nobody seems to hear me and instead they just make their eyes look somehow stinkier than they already did- and that hurts my feelings.

Fear not though faithful readers, my friend Charlie came up with the solution.

Charlie: Then you should wear scrubs.

Me: What?

Charlie: Wear scrubs, it will be like the new sweatpants. Scrubs can be your new way to give up.

Me: YOU ARE A GENIUS! That is happening.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

So, I am now going to be taking scrubs with me everywhere I go. That way, if I don’t feel like trying then I will just put those on and no one is going to think badly of me because I’m a medical professional. (I’m not a medical professional). Also, to make sure I’m prepared in case anyone asks me what type of medical professional I am, I have created the script of how I think things will go.

Stranger asking too many questions: Ma’am?

Me: Yes, inquisitive citizen.

Stranger asking too many questions: What type of medical professional are you?

Me: I’m a life saver. I save lives.

Stranger asking too many questions: Yes, but what type of life saver are you?

Me: I don’t have time for your insipid questions! Lives are at stake! I just got a code blue on my pager! That’s the worst color code!

Stranger asking too many questions: I’m so sorry. You are quite right. Please take $1,000 dollars as an apology. And thank you so much for all you do to save lives.

Me: You’re welcome.

End scene. If things don’t play out that way then I am screwed because I have been practicing this all day and I’m not great at improv. Although I am working on an alternate script when I say that I am a pediatric astronaut surgeon which is a type of surgeon who only operates on children who will become astronauts. That will really shut them up.  I’m going to go put on my sister’s scrubs and go out to dinner to celebrate this new discovery. Most brilliant idea ever.

* Note: My sister, who is an actual nurse for reals, does not endorse or condone my behavior. In fact, even when I’m not stealing her scrubs to sort of give-up on life she doesn’t condone my behavior. She thinks I have bad behavior. I think she has a bad attitude just because I scream out inappropriate things in public places and embarrass her and it’s like “Hello, I’m your older sister that is why God made me.” and maybe she needs to re-think her religious affiliations because I think God has had just about enough of her questioning me.

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