This is a for real holiday, ya’ll! My favorite pants-less sailor duck has his own holiday and it’s today. So, thank you America for giving Mr. Duck his very own holiday- finally he is receiving the recognition he deserves. In honor of the day I am wearing nautical colors and quacking at everyone who annoys me. Maybe they will think I’ve finally lost it or maybe they will quack back and then we’ll have a moment of recognition between us because we both know what today is about, and that’s Donald.
Other weird things I have realized since yesterday…
When I am walking, I hate everyone in a car. When I am in a car, I hate everyone walking.
People who wear sunglasses when it’s dark or raining totally freak me out. What are you hiding people? Are you vampires? Is this a black-eye cover-up? I need to know because otherwise I am totally convinced you are up to know good. Unless you have a walking stick and then I realize you are probably blind and I feel very guilty.
If you aren’t at the beach or the lake or a swimming pool and you have on flip-flops- I probably don’t like you very much. I mean I might like your personality or whatever but we’ll never be best friends because the flip-flops will always be between us.
When I walked into work today I saw this beautiful tall really fit girl walking to the gym and I felt really fat and ugly. Then I realized it was 9am and maybe she looks better than me but she obviously doesn’t have a job so I think I win. Although she probably does have a totally amazing job where she works all over the world for several months and then comes home for a few months and does nothing and today is probably during her nothing time and I felt mentally superior to her for nothing. We’ll call it a draw. Also, why do girls feel like they are in competition with one another? Who started that? I think the really pretty girl and me should team up and beat the hell out of whoever started this- then we all win.
Ok- I was going to keep this to myself (so as to have a greater chance of winning) but I have already eaten many chocolate bars with no result so I’m telling you all about it in the hope that someone I know will win and then not only will I believe miracles can happen and movies are real but also you can take me with you on the grand prize trip. Interested? Oh you will be. Willy Wonka is having a Golden Ticket contest in real life! Seriously! You buy the Willy Wonka Exceptionals Chocolate bar and see if you have a golden ticket and then if you do, you win prizes the best of which is a trip for 4 to your choice of 4 destinations around the world. My heart literally skipped a beat when I found out about this and I have been eating these chocolate bars ever since (they are actually very yummy). Still, I have yet to see a golden ticket and so I want all of you to go out and buy lots of chocolate bars and then if you win the trip around the world take me because you never would have won without me and I travel really well. Warning: I will sing Oompa Loompa songs and talk in Willy Wonka riddles the entire trip.
Happy Donald Duck Day! May you never stop quacking.