And lately it feels as if it is going to beat out of my chest. There is something new, something happening, and I’m not sure what it is. I feel on the verge of something- something incredible and life changing and I haven’t the slightest as to what it could be. Every night I lay in bed and think about what I’m feeling, try to put it into words, but I can’t quite grasp the right ones. Anticipation, hope, bliss, wonder, expectancy…none of these words encompass what I feel, but all of them comprise what I feel. It’s so difficult to explain, yet I want to explain it- feel as if I have to find a way to explain it.
The most baffling part of this is that my life is still a bit of a mess. Things are coming together but loosely. And I’m happy. And I’m peaceful. And I’m this other thing that I can’t find a word for- it’s something like pounding heart, electric air, calm, breathing deeply, huge smile, confidence, and love. Lots of love for everything and everyone, and I feel like forgiving, like asking forgiveness and giving forgiveness, and freedom.
It’s like a total change in philosophy, but not quite that. Sort of similar to wearing dark glasses for years and then on a bright beautiful sunny day taking them off and seeing the brilliance but not being blinded by it. Maybe I’m taking my own advice- maybe I’m listening to myself. I have always been an optimist for everyone but myself until now. Why can’t good lovely things happen to me? They can. I never really thought that until recently. Even though loads of wonderful things have happened to me in my life for some reason I never really believed that they could or would happen again. But I think they will. And bad things will happen too, but I think that’s ok.
My heart’s a drummer.