A Note To My Husband

Dearest Husband,

First of all, you are adorable and I love your face. Second of all, please don’t let me watch Unsolved Mysteries, Disappeared, or I Killed My BFF ever again. While I enjoy those shows, I think we both know they make me a little…..high-strung? Suspicious? Insane? All of those things at once plus a hearty dose of ridiculous. Please don’t let me convince you, or myself, that watching those shows will make me better prepared to avoid being kidnapped or murdered by my best friend. Also, if I ever bring up any suspicions I have about our neighbors being serial killers, please ask me if I have watched any of those shows, the answer will probably be yes. Kthanksbye!

Hearting you all day every day,

GotC aka your wife

Don’t Let ESPN Fool You

Y’all. ESPN will try and trick you into thinking it’s only about sports and sport related news. While this might be technically true, do NOT let them fool you. Right in between showing a repeat of some college football bowl game and a new Big 12 basketball game, they will put in a segment about something really sweet and touching and you will start sobbing because it’s so sweet and who knew that ESPN would make you cry? You just wanted to watch basketball but now you have run out of tissues and your eyes are red and swollen and you can’t stop crying because of the precious kiddo with a life threatening illness that a college football team took under their wing and that kiddo has a huge smile on his face because he got to run in a touchdown and the whole team is crying and the kiddo is happy and WHERE ARE ALL THESE TEARS COMING FROM AND HOW DO YOU TURN THEM OFF???? Y’all, don’t let ESPN fool you like that.

You Aren’t Useless If You’re Watching Good TV

Last week, Captain Thoughtful was out of town at a conference for 3 days so I made a to-do list of everything I needed/wanted to get done while he was gone.

1. Start packing up our apartment

2. Make a dentist appointment

3. Get my hair trimmed

4. Work out for an hour every day

5. Eat healthy

 

Here is what I actually did.

1. Watched every episode of “Call the Midwife”

2. Ugly cried through most of the episodes of “Call the Midwife”

3. Ate Whataburger

I would lament my uselessness a lot more if “Call the Midwife” wasn’t such good TV. I’m pretty sure you can’t be completely useless if you’re watching good TV.

 

The Scene That Will Haunt Me Daily For The Rest Of My Days

There is a really fantastic TV show called “Bomb Girls”. I had read about it, but since I don’t live in Canada, I had never seen it until NETFLIX. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Netflix for  being Netflix and bringing me so many shows and movies that I can watch from my couch while wearing sweats and binge eating Watermelon Sour Patch Kids.

Anyway, Bomb Girls. It is SO GOOD. Watch it y’all.

Except…..

Except there is this one scene in the very first episode that will haunt you forever and I’m saying that as someone who has seen a lot of gruesome things and not flinched. This made me flinch. Hard. And I can’t stop thinking about it. It just pops into my head randomly and horrifies me all over again.

I’m just going to tell you what it is in the hope of exorcising it from my brain. Don’t read on if you have a weak stomach or are prone to vomiting in your mouth at the slightest provocation.

A woman has her scalp ripped off by a hook.

That scene will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I Make Bad Television Watching Decisions.

The Rite

I shouldn’t be allowed to watch TV after 8pm. I make terrible TV decisions at night. Instead of watching reality TV like normal  people, I get completely sucked into terrifying movies and never-ending shows on the History channel about war. And then I have bad dreams or simply don’t sleep at all because the world is scary y’all.

Watching these movies and shows during the day doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I could spend 9-5 watching the most frightening movies imaginable and it has no effect on me, but if it’s late at night, I become a very frightened young lady who sleeps with a baseball bat beside her bed. You would think I would have learned the first time, or even the first couple of times that this happened. Nope. I didn’t.

Last night, I did it again. I turned on the television and thought to myself, ” What could a movie about exorcism hurt?” Let me tell you what it hurt- it hurt my chance of restful sleep last night that’s what it hurt. And I knew it would. I *knew* it. But I still watched it. And I’ll do it again. Why? Because I make bad television watching decisions.

One might argue that I could just exhibit a little more self-control next time. That one would be wrong. I *can’t* exhibit more self-control next time. Really. I can’t. I’m incapable of making reasonable television watching decisions after dark. Completely incapable of it. And now I’ve had to add like 20 new things to my list of things I should be afraid of. And that list is getting too long y’all. Too long and too scary.

So, I’m looking for someone/something to blame. Any ideas? Right now, I’m leaning towards blaming the cable company. What do you think?

Jake Gyllenhaal Was On Man v. Wild and I Got A Little Silly.

So last night, Jake Gyllenhaal was on Man v. Wild. To say that I was thrilled and a little giddy would probably only cover about 1/10th of what I was feelings. My inner 13 year old was all over this. If you aren’t familiar with Man v. Wild, it’s a show where Bear Grylls (who has the best name ever) drops from a helicopter into the “wild” and shows you how to survive if you ever fall from a helicopter with a film crew into that same “wild”. You may also recognize this show by Mother’s ever popular responses to it such as “Oh. I’m so sure.” and “Oooooh no, Bear is in danger.” (Said in a really sarcastic and hilarious English accent).

Jake joined Bear in a helicopter in Iceland and they traveled to some sort of ice mountain and started walking. Where were they going? No one knows, except the film crew waiting at the designated destination. As luck would have it, there was a vicious snowstorm and Jake and Bear had to find their way with almost no visibility. Such trials only bring them closer, however, and according to Bear, Jake “Has a good character” and “Is afraid of heights with no survival experience.” High praise indeed. But the bro-love didn’t stop there. Jake claimed he would “Follow Bear anywhere” even though at the time he was leading and Bear following. It was a love fest. My favorite quote came from Bear, “You never know when you’re going to need you’re buddy.” Which, I personally think, is the wisest thing I’ve ever heard on reality television. I just may get that tattooed over my heart because it’s such a universal truth. This is what the sarcastic and grown-up part of me thought about the episode. The 13 year old side of me felt a little differently…

Oh my gosh! Jake Gyllenhaal is such a dreamboat. Why is he taking a knife to that dead sheep?? OH! Why, Jake? Why??? It’s ok, I forgive you Jake. Just be careful. Please be careful. If you get hurt I swear on my Tiger Beat that I will avenge your death! The shirt is off! The shirt is off! (At this point, I may have broke into a chorus of Oh Happy Day).  All the clothes are back on now.How does he look so smokin hot in all that clothing? It’s like, some kind of magic. Hotness magic. I wish he was high-fiving me. And by “high-fiving” I might mean something different. (Lots of giggling). And then after that I pretty much turned everything Jake said into sexual innuendo. Because I’m really clever. And mature.

Long story short, best episode of Man v. Wild ever! Ever!