Y’all. ESPN will try and trick you into thinking it’s only about sports and sport related news. While this might be technically true, do NOT let them fool you. Right in between showing a repeat of some college football bowl game and a new Big 12 basketball game, they will put in a segment about something really sweet and touching and you will start sobbing because it’s so sweet and who knew that ESPN would make you cry? You just wanted to watch basketball but now you have run out of tissues and your eyes are red and swollen and you can’t stop crying because of the precious kiddo with a life threatening illness that a college football team took under their wing and that kiddo has a huge smile on his face because he got to run in a touchdown and the whole team is crying and the kiddo is happy and WHERE ARE ALL THESE TEARS COMING FROM AND HOW DO YOU TURN THEM OFF???? Y’all, don’t let ESPN fool you like that.
Last week, Captain Thoughtful was out of town at a conference for 3 days so I made a to-do list of everything I needed/wanted to get done while he was gone.
1. Start packing up our apartment
2. Make a dentist appointment
3. Get my hair trimmed
4. Work out for an hour every day
5. Eat healthy
Here is what I actually did.
1. Watched every episode of “Call the Midwife”
2. Ugly cried through most of the episodes of “Call the Midwife”
3. Ate Whataburger
I would lament my uselessness a lot more if “Call the Midwife” wasn’t such good TV. I’m pretty sure you can’t be completely useless if you’re watching good TV.
There is a really fantastic TV show called “Bomb Girls”. I had read about it, but since I don’t live in Canada, I had never seen it until NETFLIX. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Netflix for being Netflix and bringing me so many shows and movies that I can watch from my couch while wearing sweats and binge eating Watermelon Sour Patch Kids.
Anyway, Bomb Girls. It is SO GOOD. Watch it y’all.
Except there is this one scene in the very first episode that will haunt you forever and I’m saying that as someone who has seen a lot of gruesome things and not flinched. This made me flinch. Hard. And I can’t stop thinking about it. It just pops into my head randomly and horrifies me all over again.
I’m just going to tell you what it is in the hope of exorcising it from my brain. Don’t read on if you have a weak stomach or are prone to vomiting in your mouth at the slightest provocation.
A woman has her scalp ripped off by a hook.
That scene will haunt me for the rest of my days.
I am terrified of aliens and usually hate to watch anything about them (see my many letters to Steven Spielburg) but absolutely adore Dr. Who and Roswell.
Explain this to me.
I shouldn’t be allowed to watch TV after 8pm. I make terrible TV decisions at night. Instead of watching reality TV like normal people, I get completely sucked into terrifying movies and never-ending shows on the History channel about war. And then I have bad dreams or simply don’t sleep at all because the world is scary y’all.
Watching these movies and shows during the day doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I could spend 9-5 watching the most frightening movies imaginable and it has no effect on me, but if it’s late at night, I become a very frightened young lady who sleeps with a baseball bat beside her bed. You would think I would have learned the first time, or even the first couple of times that this happened. Nope. I didn’t.
Last night, I did it again. I turned on the television and thought to myself, ” What could a movie about exorcism hurt?” Let me tell you what it hurt- it hurt my chance of restful sleep last night that’s what it hurt. And I knew it would. I *knew* it. But I still watched it. And I’ll do it again. Why? Because I make bad television watching decisions.
One might argue that I could just exhibit a little more self-control next time. That one would be wrong. I *can’t* exhibit more self-control next time. Really. I can’t. I’m incapable of making reasonable television watching decisions after dark. Completely incapable of it. And now I’ve had to add like 20 new things to my list of things I should be afraid of. And that list is getting too long y’all. Too long and too scary.
So, I’m looking for someone/something to blame. Any ideas? Right now, I’m leaning towards blaming the cable company. What do you think?
So last night, Jake Gyllenhaal was on Man v. Wild. To say that I was thrilled and a little giddy would probably only cover about 1/10th of what I was feelings. My inner 13 year old was all over this. If you aren’t familiar with Man v. Wild, it’s a show where Bear Grylls (who has the best name ever) drops from a helicopter into the “wild” and shows you how to survive if you ever fall from a helicopter with a film crew into that same “wild”. You may also recognize this show by Mother’s ever popular responses to it such as “Oh. I’m so sure.” and “Oooooh no, Bear is in danger.” (Said in a really sarcastic and hilarious English accent).
Jake joined Bear in a helicopter in Iceland and they traveled to some sort of ice mountain and started walking. Where were they going? No one knows, except the film crew waiting at the designated destination. As luck would have it, there was a vicious snowstorm and Jake and Bear had to find their way with almost no visibility. Such trials only bring them closer, however, and according to Bear, Jake “Has a good character” and “Is afraid of heights with no survival experience.” High praise indeed. But the bro-love didn’t stop there. Jake claimed he would “Follow Bear anywhere” even though at the time he was leading and Bear following. It was a love fest. My favorite quote came from Bear, “You never know when you’re going to need you’re buddy.” Which, I personally think, is the wisest thing I’ve ever heard on reality television. I just may get that tattooed over my heart because it’s such a universal truth. This is what the sarcastic and grown-up part of me thought about the episode. The 13 year old side of me felt a little differently…
Oh my gosh! Jake Gyllenhaal is such a dreamboat. Why is he taking a knife to that dead sheep?? OH! Why, Jake? Why??? It’s ok, I forgive you Jake. Just be careful. Please be careful. If you get hurt I swear on my Tiger Beat that I will avenge your death! The shirt is off! The shirt is off! (At this point, I may have broke into a chorus of Oh Happy Day). All the clothes are back on now.How does he look so smokin hot in all that clothing? It’s like, some kind of magic. Hotness magic. I wish he was high-fiving me. And by “high-fiving” I might mean something different. (Lots of giggling). And then after that I pretty much turned everything Jake said into sexual innuendo. Because I’m really clever. And mature.
Long story short, best episode of Man v. Wild ever! Ever!
I had a pedicure today. It was wonderful- except for the part where the other people in the nail salon were behaving inappropriately. This made it clear to me that I must, must, compile a list of pedicure etiquette. Because ya’ll have bad manners. Really bad manners.
1. Do not speak on your telephone when there are other people in the chairs next to you. I don’t care about your life. Actually, I do care about your life, just not when I am getting a pedicure. When I am getting a pedicure I want to relax. I don’t want to hear about your stressful week. I had a stressful week as well- which is why I am getting a pedicure, duh. Zip it, please. Seriously. Zip it.
2. I love kids. I really do. When I am getting a pedicure, however, and they are running around the nail salon and stealing my nail color, and yelling/crying, I don’t love kids. I want them to go away and I want my bright pink nail polish back. Right now.
3. Don’t be rude to your pedicurist. If you want something adjusted then ask politely- don’t be a pompous ass- as if you know you could do it better. You couldn’t. Be nice. It’s just common human decency. Common human decency is when you don’t say things like “Listen, I don’t know what country you went to nail school in, but here in America, we don’t tear people’s feet up.” That statement is the opposite of common human decency.
4. If your feet are funky tip your pedicurist extra. This also falls under common human decency.
5. Usually there are TVs on. Usually they are on some type of news channel. This does not mean I want to talk politics with you. I don’t want to talk about politics with you. I didn’t choose the channel. If it were up to me, the TVs would be showing Audrey Hepburn movies. It isn’t up to me though so they are all on news stations. Please read the ticker to yourself and voice your thoughts at a later place and time. I mean it, I do not want to talk about politics while I am having a heavenly foot massage. Also, why do you?
6. That pale yellow polish just makes it look like you have toe fungus. Accept that.
That is all I’ve got right now. Do you need more? I think I pretty much covered it, though if anyone else has any other pedicure etiquette tips please feel free to share. Pedicures are about relaxation and proper foot care. Enjoy pedicures and let those around you enjoy theirs. That’s all.
I love DVR. I love being able to record all of my favorite shows and then watch them when I have time. I really really love DVR. I am obsessed, however, with keeping it cleaned out. As soon as a show has been watched it MUST be deleted. I literally feel uncomfortable when my DVR has too many shows recorded. I want to watch and then erase all of them. At this point I get as much joy out of erasing the shows as I do watching them. Which, I’m pretty sure is a weird personality disorder issue. I just love having a clean DVR.
This would perhaps not be so bizarre if I felt this way about cleaning and organization throughout all areas of my life. Not so. I like to describe my room as “chaotically organized” which is to say, it isn’t organized to anyone else in the world except me. My desk at work is organized but I’m sure it looks like a bag of skittles threw-up to anyone else (I like everything to be color coded). So why am I so obsessed with cleaning out my DVR? Why would I want something I love to record shows on to be empty?
I have earned myself the reputation of being the “DVR Police” with my family. They thinks it’s insane funny how concerned I am with an organized DVR. In fact, my precious Father likes to hit record for the most random and ridiculous shows like Mega Piranha so that next time I check my recorded shows I have three times as many as I did the day before. It literally makes me cringe to think about it. He thinks it’s hilarious.
Here is another thought, why do I worry about my relationship with my DVR? It’s an inanimate object. It doesn’t feel rejection or emptiness. Unless it has some secret brain of it’s own- then I will totally be the first to die when the robots take over because I’m sure I have really hurt my DVRs feelings. However, even the threat of robot domination and people death won’t convince me to leave recordings in my DVR. I think I really have a problem.
I think this is an important questions to ask oneself. I am pondering this question more and more as I consider the fact that I might be moving in with my sister soon. And I imagine it will be a lot like Laverne and Shirley. They always seemed happy to me. But were they really happy? Also, I’m wondering how long it took them to choreograph the dance they do at the beginning of the show- because I don’t think my sister will be willing to spend a lot of time learning a dance but I would really like to have a little something prepared for move-in day. Then all of our neighbors will think we are really crazy hip and be nervous to talk to us but then they will overcome that nervousness and bring us an assortment of baked goods to welcome us to the neighborhood. I can’t remember if that happened in Laverne and Shirley or not. But instead of Milwaukee we will live in Austin. In fact, I think people will be much more open to a dance number in Austin than in Milwaukee. I wonder if my sister remembers how to do a kick-ball-change?
Also, I really want to start putting the letter L on all my shirts. I guess my sister can too because both our names start with L but I would really feel more comfortable if that was just my thing. She probably won’t argue, she has to wear scrubs all the time anyway. Although if I was in the hospital and my nurse had the first letter of her name on all her scrub tops I would defnitely feel like I was getting better care. I bet I could sell that idea to hospitals and make a fortune.
I’m worried that Laverne and Shirley weren’t truly happy. I mean Shirley totally bailed on Laverne in the last season and I don’t want that to happen to me. (I think I’m Laverne and my sister is Shirely- she would say I was Shirley and she is Laverne but this is my blog so I’m kind of calling the shots) Who would jump rope with me and help me humiliate my nemesis “Big Rosie Greenbaum”? I’m just thinking worst case scenario here. I mean, if Laverne and Shirley were happy why did Shirley leave? (This is actually a real question if anyone knows the answer because I can’t remember). I just don’t want the magic to fade from our totally awesome relationship. Maybe it was moving to Burbank that tore Laverne and Shirley apart- so if my sister and I avoid Burbank would should probably be ok. Right?
Also, we don’t have a Lenny and Squigy in this situation and I think they were a big part of the magic that was Laverne and Shirley. What if our apartment doesn’t have a Lenny and Squigy? Are we doomed? I feel like an awful lot is riding on the answers to these monumental questions. I have a plan of action though.
Step 1- Watch every season of Laverne and Shirley and analyze their behavior to make judgement on happiness.
Step 2- Write to Penny Marshall (Laverne) and Cindy Williams (Shirley) and ask them these questions. I think they will be able to help.
Step 3- Make sure my sister actually still wants to live with me after reading this post.
Step 4- Make decision and live with the consequences. No turning back.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!