Tag Archives: sister

Oh Girl, It’s Your Birthday!

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Happy Birthday

Today is my lovely sister’s birthday. She lights up my life and this post is dedicated to her. Congratulations on now being divisible by 11 for the first time since you were 11. That’s pretty major.

In honor of your big day, I am going to embarrass you. Because that’s what love is. Also, I know you don’t embarrass easily so it’s a challenge. Here is a list of things I plan to do so you can prepare yourself. Don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning. If you don’t read my blog today then it’s your fault not mine.

1. I arranged for a naked man to jump out of your birthday cake.

2. I plan on saying “naked” as many times as possible at dinner tonight to see if your face turns red like it used to.

3. I baked penis cookies.

4. I arranged for a band to play Hanson music at dinner.

5. I gave Grammy permission to kiss you on the cheek when she has lots of red lipstick on.

6. I will hug you and never let go. ( please don’t hit me)

7. I will keep trying to hold your hand. (please don’t hit me)

8. I will call you “sissy” for the rest of the day.

9. I will talk in a baby voice to you all night.

10. I will write a blog about how I am going to embarrass you today.

I think it’s important for you to know that I probably won’t really do any of these things. Except number 10 obviously, and probably number 7 because I really like holding hands. I love your guts!!!!!!

This is your favorite birthday song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AJYcXnn1io&feature=related and I am dedicating it to you from my heart. I hope you love it.

This Conversation Really Happened. For Shiz.

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S is for Shiznit

This is my Mom's Christmas present. For shiz.

Also, no one had been drinking. Be afraid.

Me: Who are you texting?

Sister: You know who I’m texting….

Me: Are you sexting?

Sister: No. Stop it.

Me: Did he send you a picture of his junk?

Sister: Eww. Seriously stop it.

Me: I’m just sayin.

Sister: He did send me a picture of his happy trail….

Me: What! Oh my goodness! For real?

Sister: No. Stupid.

Mom: Stop all this “junk” business.

Me: Do you even know what sexting is?

Mom: Uh! Yes, I hear the tv.

Me: You hear the tv? You don’t watch it? You just hear it?

Mom: Whatever. I know what you’re talking about.

Me: You’re so hip.

Mom: Yes I am. For shizzay….shizzy…sheizzy….SHIZ! For shiz.

Me: Wow. You are off the chain.

Mom: Your Mom is dope yo.

Me: (laughing hysterically)

Sister: (laughing hysterically)

Me: My life is so happy.

Were Laverne and Shirley Happy?

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Laverne and Shirley Sing

They made an album- so they must have been happy!

I think this is an important questions to ask oneself. I am pondering this question more and more as I consider the fact that I might be moving in with  my sister soon. And I imagine it will be a lot like Laverne and Shirley. They always seemed happy to me. But were they really happy? Also, I’m wondering how long it took them to choreograph the dance they do at the beginning of the show- because I don’t think my sister will be willing to spend a lot of time learning a dance but I would really like to have a little something prepared for move-in day. Then all of our neighbors will think we are really crazy hip and be nervous to talk to us but then they will overcome that nervousness and bring us an assortment of baked goods to welcome us to the neighborhood. I can’t remember if that happened in Laverne and Shirley or not. But instead of Milwaukee we will live in Austin. In fact, I think people will be much more open to a dance number in Austin than in Milwaukee. I wonder if my sister remembers how to do a kick-ball-change?

Also, I really want to start putting the letter L on all my shirts. I guess my sister can too because both our names start with L but I would really feel more comfortable if that was just my thing. She probably won’t argue, she has to wear scrubs all the time anyway. Although if I was in the hospital and my nurse had the first letter of her name on all her scrub tops I would defnitely feel like I was getting better care. I bet I could sell that idea to hospitals and make a fortune.

I’m worried that Laverne and Shirley weren’t truly happy. I mean Shirley totally bailed on Laverne in the last season and I don’t want that to happen to me. (I think I’m Laverne and my sister is Shirely- she would say I was Shirley and she is Laverne but this is my blog so I’m kind of calling the shots) Who would jump rope with me and help me humiliate my nemesis “Big Rosie Greenbaum”? I’m just thinking worst case scenario here. I mean, if Laverne and Shirley were happy why did Shirley leave? (This is actually a real question if anyone knows the answer because I can’t remember).  I just don’t want the magic to fade from our totally awesome relationship. Maybe it was moving to Burbank that tore Laverne and Shirley apart- so if my sister and I avoid Burbank would should probably be ok. Right?

Also, we don’t have a Lenny and Squigy in this situation and I think they were a big part of the magic that was Laverne and Shirley. What if our apartment doesn’t have a Lenny and Squigy? Are we doomed? I feel like an awful lot is riding on the answers to these monumental questions. I have a plan of action though.

Step 1- Watch every season of Laverne and Shirley and analyze their behavior to make judgement on happiness.

Step 2- Write to Penny Marshall (Laverne) and Cindy Williams (Shirley) and ask them these questions. I think they will be able to help.

Step 3- Make sure my sister actually still wants to live with me after reading this post.

Step 4- Make decision and live with the consequences. No turning back.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

I’m a Life Saver. I Save Lives.

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So, a couple of my co-workers/friends and I were talking about how in some cities you feel like you have to get dressed up just to go get a cup of coffee (not in Austin, thank goodness) and that’s why we try to avoid those cities like the plague because none of us really care that much but we wouldn’t want people to think we don’t care- and I don’t know why that is, but I do know our reasoning is flawless. I mentioned that I thought Dallas was like that and that I don’t think it’s fair that my sister who lives there gets a pass just because she gets to wear scrubs all the time and so no one looks at her in judgement because, hey she is a medical professional and deserves respect, and instead they always just smile at her meanwhile sending me the stink eye because I don’t wear make-up and neither does my sister but I already mentioned that scrubs are the magical get-out-of-judgement card. And I’m all, excuse me but I provide a public service as well, I help people rank on Google searches and you know those paid ads that you never read or click on when you do a Google search? Yeah those ads you are annoyed by. I write those sucker! You’re welcome. But nobody seems to hear me and instead they just make their eyes look somehow stinkier than they already did- and that hurts my feelings.

Fear not though faithful readers, my friend Charlie came up with the solution.

Charlie: Then you should wear scrubs.

Me: What?

Charlie: Wear scrubs, it will be like the new sweatpants. Scrubs can be your new way to give up.

Me: YOU ARE A GENIUS! That is happening.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

So, I am now going to be taking scrubs with me everywhere I go. That way, if I don’t feel like trying then I will just put those on and no one is going to think badly of me because I’m a medical professional. (I’m not a medical professional). Also, to make sure I’m prepared in case anyone asks me what type of medical professional I am, I have created the script of how I think things will go.

Stranger asking too many questions: Ma’am?

Me: Yes, inquisitive citizen.

Stranger asking too many questions: What type of medical professional are you?

Me: I’m a life saver. I save lives.

Stranger asking too many questions: Yes, but what type of life saver are you?

Me: I don’t have time for your insipid questions! Lives are at stake! I just got a code blue on my pager! That’s the worst color code!

Stranger asking too many questions: I’m so sorry. You are quite right. Please take $1,000 dollars as an apology. And thank you so much for all you do to save lives.

Me: You’re welcome.

End scene. If things don’t play out that way then I am screwed because I have been practicing this all day and I’m not great at improv. Although I am working on an alternate script when I say that I am a pediatric astronaut surgeon which is a type of surgeon who only operates on children who will become astronauts. That will really shut them up.  I’m going to go put on my sister’s scrubs and go out to dinner to celebrate this new discovery. Most brilliant idea ever.

* Note: My sister, who is an actual nurse for reals, does not endorse or condone my behavior. In fact, even when I’m not stealing her scrubs to sort of give-up on life she doesn’t condone my behavior. She thinks I have bad behavior. I think she has a bad attitude just because I scream out inappropriate things in public places and embarrass her and it’s like “Hello, I’m your older sister that is why God made me.” and maybe she needs to re-think her religious affiliations because I think God has had just about enough of her questioning me.

Zoo Adventures

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A picture I took of one of the tigers at the Ft. Worth Zoo

I love animals. I think they are endlessly interesting creatures. Maybe I feel this way because of how often we went to the zoo when I was young. It was the perfect place for both me and my little sister, we both loved going and were always exhausted afterward, which I’m sure, was quite the perk for my Mother.

So, as a birthday present for my 25th, my sister decided to take me back to one of my favorite zoos- the one we used to visit so often when we were young- the Ft. Worth Zoo. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm and lovely and all of the animals seemed quite keen to play. We ate every manner of junk food (including my all time favorite cotton candy) and walked around for hours and hours watching the animals. It wasn’t too crowded and we never felt rushed or had a hard time seeing the animals. Truly a perfect day. Of course, there were some moments of hilarity and I wanted to share some of them.

I’m not a girl who is freaked out by reptiles. Neither is my sister. Maybe this is unusual, because when walking around the reptile house we saw and heard women (young and old) screaming and fidgeting nervously. They were obviously afraid of the things behind the glass. My sister and I laughed to ourselves over how silly these women were being and walked on. We came to a green mamba, a snake I was familiar with (only in study) from some of my travels in Eastern Africa. I was carrying a backpack that had several loose hanging straps and was playing with these straps absentmindedly as we stared at the green mamba. Suddenly, I felt something brushing against my arm. I gasped and said “Something is on me!” Then, I realized it was just one of the backpack straps. A man behind me died laughing and said “Don’t worry sweetheart, all the snakes are safely behind the glass.” I was mortified. Humiliated. Ashamed to have acted like one of the women I had felt so superior to only moments before. I think that moment, more than any other that day, made my sister the happiest. She practically fell to the floor laughing and re-enacting my silliness. In my defense, when you are staring at a snake and feel something somehow like a snake brush against your arm you would probably have reacted the same way. Probably.

After the embarrassment that was my time in the reptile house, we went to look at my sisters favorite animlas- the penguins. They were so cute and playful and we sat for a long while watching them. A little girl, about the age of 4, came into the penguin habitat and was quietly sitting and watching the penguins. I was just as interested by her behavior as I was by the penguins. She was dead still and completely quiet, which is rare for a 4 year old. She had been sitting like this for about 5 minutes when she turned to her Mother and said with plenty of attitude “Um, excuse me, but why aren’t the penguins talking?” Her Mom smiled at my sister and I before answering “Sweetie, only the penguins in movies can talk.” The little girl was having none of that “Listen Mom, I know they can talk and I’m just wondering why they aren’t.” (This little girl was remarkably well spoken). My sister and I made a quick exit because we were trying to hold back the giggles. For some reason everything that day seemed particularly funny.

Before lunch we decided to go see the lions. I love lions, I think they are sleek, strong, powerful animals. There was one male lion sitting high above the others and he seemed to be staring right at me. Even my sister noticed and remarked how bizarre it looked because he really was looking straight at me. I froze on that spot to see how long this eye contact between me and the lion would last- I stood and waited but he just continued to look at me. It was such a surreal feeling. I told my sister that maybe the lion and I were some type of inter-species kindred spirits and she rolled her eyes but couldn’t deny that it was odd how his eyes seemingly hadn’t moved from mine. After a few minutes my sister turned around and burst into laughter- apparently, in the habitat directly behind me there stood a zebra- the lions natural prey. So, it turns out the lion was thinking more about lunch and less about our kindred spirits. Alas.

Despite making a fool of myself several times, I still felt like that day could not have been better. I spent it outside, watching animals, eating cotton candy, with my sister (who happens to be my best friend). Perfection.