Do You Have A Boyfriend?

Posted on December 6, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I get asked this a lot. I also get asked variations of this such as “Seeing anyone special?” “How’s the dating life?” ” Still single?” and the somewhat insulting “Signed up for online dating yet? You’re not getting younger and prettier.” So, I have a lot of practice answering it in the least pathetic and dignified way possible- which usually goes something like ” Thanks so much for caring, I’m sure I will meet someone special someday. Until then I am just loving life the way it is.”

But you know, something? I’m getting really tired of answering these questions just so that the asker can feel better about my love life. Um. In case you didn’t notice the emphasis in that sentence was MY. Because it’s mine. And though I am quite a gifted sharer this is one thing I prefer to keep to myself thanks. So, I decided instead of giving an answer that puts whoever is asking this question at ease and attempts to defuse the awkwardness of the conversation I am going to attempt to answer this question as awkwardly as possible. I want to see some cringes and uncomfortable laughing. I’ve compiled a list of responses that I think will do the trick nicely. Please enjoy and feel free to share your ideas as well!

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

- Friend? What’s a friend?

-Of course not. I’m too busy preparing for the apocalypse. Aren’t you?

- 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. ( This is a Jay-Z song. If you don’t know it, get familiar.)

- I have several locked up in my basement but I haven’t heard any sounds down there in weeks so I think we’re on a break.

- Um. Yeah. He’s standing right next to me. Don’t you see him?

- Well, my other personality has one but I don’t.

- Yo! I’ll tell ya what I want what I really really want!

-Boyfriend is as boyfriend does.

-Well, since 2012 is doomsday I hardly think it’s worth the effort.

- Not yet but I have a really strong love potion brewing so keep your fingers crossed.

I can’t wait to use these lines and witness the awkwardness! This is going to be fun.

Secure That Man!

Posted on November 18, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I have the privilege of visiting a local elementary school to mentor a little sweetie once a week and it has been such an incredible experience. Children crack me up. They are so brilliant and don’t even know it. I mean, how do these kids become such geniuses? A perfect example is what I witnessed there this week.

A group of second graders decided they wanted to play “wedding”. There was a bride, groom, birdesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl, ring-bearer, priest, and witnesses. These kids thought of everything. How do they know so much about weddings? They hummed a musical interlude (which sounded suspiciously like Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”) and then it was time for the ceremony. The “groom” was hesitant to walk down the aisle (Ha!) Right at the point that I was convinced the “groom” was about to make a break for the jump ropes across the playground, the “bride” yells out “Ya’ll better secure that man!” “I said, SECURE. THAT. MAN.”

I may have died. Seriously. It was like, maybe one of the best lines I have ever heard. I was so jealous of that little girl- she was hilarious and I promise you, she had no idea she was being hilarious. If anything, she was seriously angry at the hesitant “groom”. She spoke with such authority I didn’t know whether to feel bad for the “groom” for being coerced into “wedding” or whether to think he had committed some crime he needed to be punished for. At that moment, I’m pretty sure I would have done anything the “bride” told me to do because though she was only 8, she definitely knew what the what was.

As I was watching this little drama play out from the relative obscurity of the swings, I felt like I was watching Earth from outer space- and let me tell you, the show was hysterical! It was a perfect little picture of grown-up life, brought to you by children. I was amazed and utterly dumbfounded. I repeat, how did these kids get so smart and insightful? Although, I’m fairly certain they don’t know they are being smart and insightful. They definitely don’t realize they are being funny because when I laughed out loud at the “Secure that man” line, the “bride” gave me a look that said “Uh, uh. This is not a joke. That man needs to be secured and you need to get that laughter under control.” I stopped laughing immediately. I didn’t want to ruin her wedding day.

Flirtation Failure: The Series III

Posted on October 20, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I couldn't pull this off. True Story.

So, here we are again. Chronicling my failed attempts at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Cute Guy At Starbucks. I maybe stalked this guy a little bit. Not in the scary, collect his hair and make a doll out of it kind of way, but more in the I just went to Starbucks every day kind of way. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks everyday to see him and spend ridiculous amounts of money on only ok coffee, it turns out he doesn’t like girls. End of story. I am, however, counting this as a victory because I managed to work up enough courage to go there and see him everyday- usually I would avoid places with hot guys because of my hot guy phobia. I overcame a fear here people. Kudos to me.

Picture it: Sunday lunch with my parents and we are being served by a hot somehow French waiter. I actually got to the restaurant before my parents did. He approaches the table and I’m thinking “Hold it together girl, be nice, smile, make eye contact. Get your game face on! You can do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I would like to drink. I order a very sexy iced tea. And then I smile while making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles back while making eye contact. I freeze and quickly look down. Ok, minor points deducted but the game isn’t over yet. My parents arrive. Usually, I would take this opportunity to hide behind my conversations with them in order to not have to look at or speak to a hot waiter. Not this time. This time, I keep smiling. I keep making eye contact. I basically dominated the flirting baby-steps. Sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or arranged anything coming even close to resembling a date- but I dominated the baby-steps people! If this were a flirting class I would have gotten a D+ instead of an F. I consider that a victory. Huzzah!

Cute guy passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He comes to the door and ask for me by name. Sure, I wasn’t there at the time. Sure, he was only reading my name off a list because I had supported this candidate in the past. Sure, I couldn’t actually have flirted with him since, you know, I wasn’t even there. But I still consider this a win. Had I been there, I’m pretty sure I would have dominated this flirting situation because we would have been talking about politics which is an area I happen to have quite a bit of confidence in. This flirting situation was made for me. If only I had actually been there.

Overall, I think I did somehow ok this last month in the flirting department. My focus this month will be mastering the baby-steps and then trying to figure out what comes after the baby-steps. Suggestions are always welcome.

Oh yeah! I also created a pretty accurate test to tell if a guy and I are compatible. It is as follows.

Cute Guy: So, are you dating anyone?

Me: No, the only guy in my life at the moment is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he gets the reference and also likes Kurt Vonnegut then we are compatible. If he gets the reference but hasn’t ever read Kurt Vonnegut then we might be compatible. If he get the reference but doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we probably aren’t compatible. If he doesn’t get the reference at all then I will just walk away. No way can I date a guy who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

True Friends Help You Stalk That Guy At Starbucks

Posted on October 5, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taught the lesson of pure and true friendship. The kind of friendship you only find once in a lifetime. Want to know the key to this type of friendship? It’s helping your friends stalk their crushes at Starbucks. And it’s a beautiful thing.

You see, there is this super cute guy who works at the Starbucks I frequent (think Ryan Gosling when he has a beard in The Notebook). And, as I think I mentioned, I think this guy is a grade-A cutie-pie. I’m pretty sure he would write me poems and say really offbeat but endearing things to me. I’m pretty sure he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His favorite food is definitely Thai. We should be together. Alas, I don’t know if any of these things are actually true. All I know is that he works at the Starbucks I go to- oh, and did I mention he is lovely to look at??? But that’s it. That’s all I know, the rest is just educated guessing and nonsense. I mentioned this silly crush to a couple of friends at work and then they did the most shockingly wonderful thing friends can do- they offered to help me stalk him.

Although, to be fair, they didn’t actually offer to help me “stalk” him. They offered to help me learn to flirt better and to go with me to Starbucks every day after lunch for moral support. They have literally made me practice eye contact, they offer advice and encouragement, and they also tease me about my flirtation failings which might seem mean but is exactly what I need. Oh, and they have totally spent like $30 bucks on coffee in order to support me. This is what friendship looks like people.

Unfortunately, as I probably could have predicted, I’m still a flirtation failure. Without going into specifics (because they are just too gory for blogging), I have failed again and again at my mission. (By the way, my mission was to have a non-coffee related verbal exchange with eye-contact) These poor friends of mine have really tried and I’m sure their advice would have been incredibly useful for anyone who isn’t me. Fluttering eyelashes? When I try that, I look like I might be having a seizure. Coquettish smile? Yeah right. Hair flip? I promise you, if I tried I would break my neck. What I’m trying to say is this guy has most definitely not noticed me. Or actually, he has noticed me, but could not possibly be less interested. And I leave Starbucks everyday more and more depressed and rejected. Facing your failures is not the joyous experience one might think it would be. Go figure.

And anyway, I totally saw him smoking and that is a major dealbreaker. So really, I’m rejecting him. In the most pathetic and demoralizing way possible. I’m sure he’s gutted.

The silver lining here is that I realized I have some really stellar friends who will totally help me stalk my next crush. And really, what more could one ask for? Not many people get support from their friends in their stalking endeavors. So thanks you guys!! Thanks for being such marvelous friends and thanks for not giving up on me even when my eyelash flutters look like seizures.

Twitter Thinks I Suck At Flirting Too

Posted on October 4, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Twitter has opinions on my love life. Very strong opinions. I had no idea Twitter was so invested in my love life. Oh, but it is. It’s very invested. So invested, that it has taken to suggesting that I follow romance novelists exclusively. I mean, I used to get suggestions for random celebrities and news organizations but now it is without exception romance novelists. Does Twitter really think this is going to help me? Apparently, it does.

Also, who do you think you are Twitter?! Getting all up in my business like that. You think you, who is nothing more than code and good marketing, can tell me what’s missing in my life? Sure, I’m not a good flirt. Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve had a relationship. Sure, I’m not very suave or charming when it comes to romance. Sure, I have a hard time speaking in front of attractive guys. Sure……oh, I see your point. Well played.

Ok, ok. I could use some help. You’ve won the argument there, but romance novels? I have a very hard time seeing how that is going to help at all. I’ve always had a distaste for these types of books. I find them to be unrealistic and the female characters weak. But, I haven’t read all that many so I could be wrong. Except for the unrealistic part. I’m pretty sure that these books are across the board extremely unrealistic. And unrealistic is the opposite of what I need. I already live too much in my imagination. I don’t need anything else in my life that pulls me from reality. Trust me, I’ve got that one more than covered. What I need, I think is something realistic. Something substantial. Something that gives me a lightbulb moment and suddenly makes flirting and romance easier. But, that seems pretty unrealistic in itself. Hmmm. Even my realistic wishes are unrealistic. Alas.

What I’m trying to say, Twitter, is this: please stop it with all the romance suggestions. Yes, you are correct in assessing that I’m lacking in that particular area of life, but your suggestions aren’t helping. In fact, they are just sort of silly. And sure, maybe I will come back to this in about 15 years when I’m really getting desperate but for now, please just go back to random celebrities as suggestions. I really do appreciate your concern but I think this is something I have to figure out for myself- without the “help” of romance novels. Ok?

Also, could I at least get more than 140 characters on my birthday? Like, as a gift? Just thought I would ask.

Most Romantic Moment Involving A Segway Ever.

Posted on October 1, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Is there anything more glorious?

I was witness to one of the most romantic moments involving a segway ever. As I was walking out of the office I saw a couple making-out in the middle of the sidewalk , usually, this annoys me and makes me want to run at them screaming obscenities. However, today was different. Today, not only did I witness a couple making-out, I witnessed a couple making-out while a Hoobastank song was playing. Not just any Hoobastank song- it was The Reason. Now, I’m no expert on romance but I’m pretty sure this qualifies as romantic. Sidewalk+Hoobastank= Making-Out. This is a classic romantic equation. Just when I was pondering on the moment and how I might have stumbled into an alternate universe where every moment is like the end of a romantic movie and also hoping I would run into Ryan Gosling or Jake Gyllenhaal and that they would say something like “You’re the one, Girl on the Contrary. I was too stupid to realize it before but I know it now and I want to be with you.” and then I would be like ” You had me at “you’re”.” And then we would start making-out to Hoobastank- ok….I might have gotten a little lost in the daydream. Back to reality. Just when I was pondering on how romantic this moment was (for the couple making-out) a security guard on a SEGWAY zoomed past them at full speed. And that’s when I realized that the universe loves me and wants me to be happy. The startled couple broke their embrace and moved on but I will never forget the moment a segway made me feel like the universe was conspiring to bring joy to my life. Thank you universe.

Cotton Candy Broke My Phone

Posted on September 28, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I may look delicious but I WILL BREAK YOUR PHONE!

We all know that I have a major minor cotton candy obsession. Cotton candy has always treated me well. It’s been there to comfort me when I need it, congratulate me when I’ve done a good job, and had always made life seem a little sweeter. But last Friday, cotton candy turned on me and I don’t know if we can go back to the way things were before or if this has tainted our relationship forever.

Last Friday, after work (which had been incredibly stressful) I was sitting down, chatting with my Mom, and enjoying a very satisfying tub of cotton candy. I was finally starting to relax when I started getting text messages. Of course, I pick up my phone and started texting back because I didn’t want to be rude. Well, I guess cotton candy was pretty ticked off that I was no longer giving it the attention it thought it deserved so it decided to show me exactly how it felt by deliberately breaking my phone. How, you ask? By doing no less than turning my phone’s keyboard into a sticky mess of brokenness.

Seriously cotton candy? You are a jerk. I love you but that doesn’t mean I have to like you right now. My B and S buttons still stick and don’t work at all half the time. And don’t even try to turn this around on me like it’s my fault for texting with sticky fingers. That is so like you. You knew I was unable to resist you and you used that against me to break my phone and show your true colors. You may be pink on the outside but your soul is black as night. I can’t believe you would do this to me. After all we have been through. Remember the bad break-up of 2004? Remember the celebration of a new job? Remember weeknights? Did it mean nothing to you? Did you ever even love me at all?

Listen cotton candy, we are both upset. I think it would be best if we took a break. I need some time to figure out how I feel about this. I mean, if my phone starts working properly again maybe we can put this behind us but if I have to get a new phone…..I just don’t know. And I think we both know that if we get together again then it won’t mean anything. Those will only be empty calories. But if you’re cool with that, I can probably be cool with that. I mean, empty calories never hurt anyone, right?

Recession Love

Posted on September 21, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

A good friend of mine said something to me that really got me thinking. He said “If no one can even find a job right now, how the hell do any of us expect to find love???” And you know what? He’s right. The recession is totally sucking up the love. Think about it…

You go to a bookstore to meet a snuggly nerdy bookworm but guess what? They aren’t there. Because they can’t afford books.

You go to a bar to meet the drunken frat boys/bar skanks you can’t get enough of. They aren’t there. Because they can’t afford drinks. (and maybe this is a good thing….)

You go to the Mac store to meet an iPerson like yourself. They aren’t there. Because they definitely can’t afford a new Mac.

You go to Whole Foods to meet the sensitive animal lover. But again, they aren’t there. They shop at Wal-Mart now because Whole Foods is too expensive.

WHERE DO YOU MEET PEOPLE IN A RECESSION? I can’t imagine the welfare line is romance-inducing. There isn’t anybody anywhere to meet. Everyone is trying to save money and it is completely screwing cupid over. Love stocks are at an all-time low. And even if you do meet someone, they are hesitant to commit because they have no idea if they might have to move across the country to keep their job, or be able to afford the gas to get to your apartment, or be able to pay for that slice of pizza on your first date. And even though in the best of times no one can say for sure what’s going to happen, it’s even worse when it’s a recession because you can’t take anything for granted. And that scares people. And usually when people are scared, like in a war, love totally takes over and everybody gets married and makes lots of babies, but it’s not like that in a recession. In a recession, when people get scared, they hide in caves and hibernate until the financial forecast looks less intimidating. And trust me, when you’re hiding, it’s really hard to meet people.

So, not only is the recession killing people financially, it’s killing love too. And I for one, really think cupid needs to step-up his game and not let this douche bag recession keep him down. I mean, come on cupid! You can’t let this defeat you. Because there are lots of people out there who need your match-making skills. They want love man. Give the people the love they need. Even though it’s harder, even though it will take a lot of creative thinking on your part, I know you can do it. I know you can help people find love, even in a recession. So get your booty out there and start making magic happen! Also, if you could, I would really like a nerdy bookworm with a heart of gold and killer sense of humor.

Important lessons to learn from this post.

1. It’s hard to find love during a recession.

2. Cupid needs to work harder.

3. Cupid reads my blog.

4. I would like a nerdy bookworm with a heart of gold and a killer sense of humor. (I’m just sayin…..)

Flirtation Failure: The Series II

Posted on September 16, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Since this seemed to be a popular post I decided to make it a monthly series. Basically, I’m going to be chronicling my failed attempts at flirting. In the interest of not being a flirting failure anymore I am sincerely going to try to flirt. My days of hiding in the utility closet are over- probably. I mean, I can’t promise anything- my flirtation skills are nonexistent so this will probably take a lot of time. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my humiliation- I fully expect for hilarity to ensue.

I had a meeting with a really hot guy last month, which is basically my worst nightmare realized. I was not prepared in the least to have to represent myself to someone as hot as him. So my heart stopped for about 2 seconds and then I said to myself “Hey self! Pull it together. You MUST SPEAK NOW.” So, I said hello which I am chalking up as a major victory. I even made eye contact. Then he started talking to me and being really nice and smiling and I was like- hey man, if we are going to be able to talk to one another you are really going to need to become a douche bag immediately. Because I really can’t talk to a hot guy who is also nice. He didn’t become a douche bag though so basically I just had to screw up my courage and talk. Even though what we were talking about was not in any way flirtatious the fact that I was able to speak at all should definitely count as a win. Anyway, someone later told me he actually is a douche bag.

I went to Starbucks on a break from work and ordered my usual non-fat chai. I was waiting patiently for my delicious chai when I heard them call a name that isn’t mine. Then they called it again. And again. Apparently the person who took my order wrote my name down wrong. When I approached the counter to inquire if it was my name they should have been calling I realized the guy at the counter was incredibly good looking. Gulp. Panic took over but I really wanted my chai so I spoke up and asked him if it was me they were actually trying to call. He apologized and made some sort of cute remark to which I replied “No worries, it happens.” which I think was a stellar response. And I was smiling. But I was also looking directly at my coffee the whole time so I think we should call this one a draw.

Cute guy at my office. We are walking towards the same door. So, of course, I hurry up my walk , say “Excuse me” when I cut him off, and get the hell out of there. This one seems like a fail.

I saw a really attractive fellow walking towards me in a parking garage. Immediately my eyes became glued to the pavement. Typical. I mean, this probably wasn’t a chance to flirt but I could have at least smiled. Actually, I couldn’t have smiled. A normal person could have at least smiled. Not me, it was pretty much ordained by fate that my eyes would be glued to the pavement without a smile for miles. Alas.

So, for the last month I have 1 victory (remember I count it as a victory if I am able to speak, smile, and look at them in the eyes), 1 draw, and 2 losses. So, not great. Also, not really flirting but it’s all about baby steps people.

I Need A Magic Eraser For My Brain.

Posted on September 7, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

My eraser would be purple.

There will always be that one guy. That one guy who means more to you than all the others. Maybe you dated him, maybe you were just friends, but there is that guy (or girl depending on who is reading this).

This post is NOT about that guy. It’s about the need in this world for some type of brain eraser. Like, you could just rub out the bits that are unpleasant or hurty. And I know that they made a movie like that called “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” but this is a totally different idea. Also, it has nothing to do with that guy. Nothing at all. Really. I promise.

The magic brain eraser I’m imagining could be used for lots of things. Like, sure it helps you forget what you wish you could forget but it also could clean your kitchen. And it never gets dirty. And it’s purple. I mean, if you wanted to use it to erase that guy form your brain then that would be ok- that’s what the magic brain eraser does but it’s not all about that.

That night you got really drunk and did something beyond humiliating? Magic brain erase it away. Sure, your friends will still remember and laugh about it but you won’t have to endure the pain of knowing what they are talking about.

That time your beloved fish died after you only had him 2 days because you don’t really know how to take care of pets? Erase it. I mean, the pet shop might stop letting you buy fish and you won’t be able to figure out why but I’m pretty sure you will be really happy.

That time you burped accidently at a lunch with your crush. Erase that and quickly. You will be much better off.

That huge fight you had with someone you love. Magic brain erase it. I mean, I can’t promise that person will start talking to you again but at least you won’t know why and then it’s like -hey they just stopped talking to you for no reason, so they’re the jerks.

I’m going to be honest with you guys. This post might be just a little bit about that guy. And even if I could I probably wouldn’t erase him, although I probably should. Also, I would really like to forget that thing about me killing my fish, because that happened and it really hurts. Anyone else need a magic brain eraser? Remember it would be purple…..

Also, this song perfectly fits my feelings about this: Hurricane Drunk

Also, you should just listen to Florence and the Machine.

Girl on the Contrary

Tag Archives: relationships