A Contrarian’s Rules For Dating.

So, I’m getting married in like, 5 days. And by “like 5 days” I mean, exactly 5 days. And I thought to myself, “Hey self. You’re getting married to the love of your life. You must be SUPER AWESOME at dating because you totally won the dating game when he put a ring on it.” (Note: that’s the reason engaged women wear rings, because it’s like the trophy for winning at dating. Not because it makes you someone’s property.) Then I continued talking to myself, as I am want to do, “Self, it’s me again, yourself, and I was thinking that since we won the dating game, we should share our rules for dating with the world so everyone can be a winner because we are a really really good person that everyone should love and want to give presents to.”  It’s really hard to argue with that logic so here are my rules for dating.

1. Never repeat name date. That means you never date more than one person with the same name. It’s bad luck.

2. Make sure the person you’re dating understands that you know how to Google Bomb them. Just in case things get ugly.

3. If some idiot breaks up with you. Don’t be friends with them after. At least for a little while. You need to grieve the relationship and eat icing straight from a can before you’re ready to be friends.

4. Assess your date very seriously by asking yourself “How would they fare in an apocalyptic situation? Would they be of any use to me?”

5. If you make a Harry Potter reference and he/she doesn’t get it. Run like hell.

I’m just saying, it totally worked for me.

Lies I Told My Boyfriend

Pinocchio

I heard that confession is good for the soul and I also heard that liar’s pants catch on fire, so, in the interest of my soul and my pants, I have some confessing to do. I wasn’t always completely honest in some of my past relationships- to spell it out for you I L-I-E-D. And I need to clear my conscious and admit those lies and I figure the best place to do that is the interweb because it reaches most people and robots. Please don’t think too poorly of me after this, when I told these lies I was young and immature, as opposed to now, when I’m old and immature.

Lie. “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”

Truth. I was starving. My stomach was literally eating itself, but I didn’t want him to think I was a fatty fatty fat fat. Also, afterwards, I went home and ate like 3 boxes of bagel bites.

Lie. “Seriously, you don’t have to call me everyday. I’m not one of those girls.”

Truth. I was super pissed when he didn’t call me everyday. And I was well aware even then that the fact that I was mad at him was completely mental.

Lie. “Your friends of soooo funny. I really like them.”

Truth. Didn’t like one of them even a little bit.

Lie. “It’s so sweet when you call me “baby”. “

Truth. Hate it. Hate it so much it makes every muscle in my body tense up when I hear it as if I am preparing for battle.

Lie. “You should totally start a band. You would be brilliant in a band.”

Truth. That kid didn’t have an ounce of musical talent or taste in his body.

Lie. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

Truth. Oh, something was wrong and I was definitely not fine. Poor kid, he didn’t have a chance.

Lie. “You’re right! This is an epic song.”

Truth. An epic tragedy and a musical affront to all mankind.

Wow. If I had a talking cricket (let’s call him Jiminy) who steered me in the right direction, he would be really proud right now. Also, I wouldn’t have to be a puppet anymore and it didn’t even require me surviving being swallowed by an ill-tempered whale while trying to find my Papa Gepeto. Oh happy day!

Also, I owe an apology to all those boyfriends past. Sorry guys! The truth is, I was always hungry, I wanted you to call, I didn’t like your friends, I don’t like being called baby, your band would have been terrible, I was mad as hell, and I think you have awful taste in music. But on the bright side, considering what I just told you, aren’t you glad we broke up? Silver lining fellas, silver lining.

I Should Have Known….

“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. “ -Oscar Wilde

You know how, when you’re talking to your friends about past relationships, you have that moment when you say “Yeah, I should have known”? Well, I have a lot of those. Sure, hindsight is 20/20 , but there are definitely some things that should have made me end the relationship immediately. And sure, I could probably think of myself as “foolish” for sticking around but I prefer to think of it as “research” for my book on relationships. Also, most of my “I should have known.” moments are absolutely hilarious and I’m really happy I wrote them a lot of them down.

Here are some of my best “I should have known” moments with my commentary. Because these moments beg to be commented on. You’re welcome.

I should have known…..

* When he told me he didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed and that all the dinosaur bones people find are fakes planted by the governments of the world. Finally! The truth is revealed! I think you should travel the world and spread your “truthitude”. No, no. Don’t worry about me. I’ll carry on without you somehow.

* When he claimed that the JFK assassination wasn’t “that big a deal”.  I’m afraid to ask what you think a “big deal” is. I’m going to back away slowly and hope you don’t notice when I’m gone.

* When he said he didn’t like Kurt Vonnegut. Oh? You didn’t like Slaughter-House Five? Really? No, seriously? Yeah….we’re breaking up.

* When he wanted to stay in and play a game he created that consisted of throwing a plastic water bottle across a room into a large trash can. He called it  “Water bottle fun.” It’s not fun. You know what’s fun? Just about anything else.

* When he created a nickname for my nickname. That was the opposite of necessary. I’m both impressed and annoyed. Well played sir.

* When he played me a song on his guitar that was about the girlfriend before me. Wow. I can’t wait until we break-up and you write a song about me for your next girlfriend. I’m sure she will love it!

*When he claimed he was related to a fictional movie character. (He thought the guy existed in real life.) Really! That is very impressive. Especially because that person never existed. You must have access to another realm where things that don’t exist live. I bet you also own a pet unicorn.

* When he said ” I just want you to love me.” before we started dating and after he had just gotten off the phone with the other girl he was dating. Yeah, that seems like something you should say much later or you know, not at all. I’m ok with not at all. Also- how’s your other lady-friend? Good. Oh swell. I’m happy to hear that.

* When he said studying history was a “waste of time” because the world was probably going to end soon anyway. Huh. You don’t say. Although, if that’s true- and I’m sure it is- then isn’t studying anything a “waste of time”. I mean, except for studying how to keep the world from ending obviously.

* When he pronounced macabre as ma-cab-ray. Nope. Not how you say that. No, no. Don’t argue. It’s really not how you say that. Ok, fine. Keep saying it that way. In fact, use that word a lot more often. People will be impressed.

* When he claimed the pyramids in Egypt were probably an “optical illusion”. Really? If by “optical illusion you mean, actual physical structure made of stone. Then yes, the pyramids are an “optical illusion.”

* When he thought the North Pole was a fictional place. Santa might not be real but the North Pole is definitely a real place. Really, really, real.

* When he said “Majoring in science is like majoring in fiction.” Umm….no. Not so much. Also- have you met my Dad? The scientist?

You must all be so jealous of me right now. I mean, I dated a guy who didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed. Of course, in these fellows defense- they all had some very nice redeeming qualities. And I definitely don’t regret dating them. Seriously. I have like, a million hilarious stories because of these guys. And I’m sure they have a million hilarious stories about me. Turn-around is fair play after all. Unfortunately for them, I pretty much tell all of my hilarious/humiliating stories to you anyway- beat you to the punch suckas!. Besides, I promise to call each and every one of them out by name as a way of thanking them in my book. Just kidding.  I don’t even remember their names. I plan on numbering them in the order I dated them and call them Boyfriend 1, Boyfriend 2, Boyfriend 3, etc. Numbers are way more *romantic*.

* While numbers may in fact be more “romantic”, I actually do remember my ex-boyfriends names. Most of them. Like at least 82% of them. :)

* Also, the commentary I provided was current day me. Past me would have said things like “Interesting.”  or the always clever “Oh. Ok.”

Feel free to share your “I should have known” moments!

Give Me Nachos Or Give Me Death!

Nachos

Here’s the thing. I went to a hockey game last week. Well, that’s not the thing but it seemed strange enough to leave as it’s own sentence. The thing was that I was going with a large group of people and many of those people were cute and uber-smart guys and the game was at dinner-time. Here’s what happened next.

Me: I can’t wait to get some delicious nachos at the game!

They who shall remain nameless: What?! There are going to be lots of cute guys there. You don’t want to have nacho fingers.

Me: You must be kidding me. I would never, never, sacrifice my love of nachos for the love of a man.

They who shall remain nameless: Yeah, but you put lots of jalapenos on your nachos- you’ll have jalapeno breath.

Me: Jalapenos are the best part of nachos. I can’t even believe you’re saying this right now. If I can’t have nachos with lots of fake cheese and jalapenos and have a boyfriend at the same time then I choose nachos. I choose nachos every time.

They who shall remain nameless: Really?

Me: Yes! Give me nachos or give me death. I don’t want a man if it means I can’t eat nachos. It’s like the easiest choice I will ever have to make. Nachos win.

They who shall remain nameless: Fine.

I mean, c’mon. Give up my nachos??? I think not. Not even Mr. Alan Alda could pry my hands away from nachos. What are some of the things you aren’t willing to give-up for love? (Think Meatloaf “I would do anything for love. Anything you’ve been dreaming of. But I won’t do that.)

P.S. Also, as it turns out, I like hockey. Who knew?

Are You Blog Breaking Up With Me???!!!

 

I’ve been very honest about my failures at flirting, but what you might not know about me (and you probably don’t know because I’ve never told you before….but if you do know that would be amazing because, wow, psychic powers y’all!) is that I am also severely challenged when it comes to relationships. At least, I’m really bad at the communication part of the relationship, which I’m told is the most important part. Although, I have to say, I think the snuggling on the couch while watching a movie part is WAY more important, and I am like, a champion snuggler (also, I pick really good movies). Nevertheless, I can admit that communication in relationships is not a strength of mine. So, as you can imagine, break-ups are particularly awkward and difficult for me. Here is an example….

Him: Want to come over tonight?

Me: Um…..probably not.

Him: Are you busy?

Me: Not so much.

Him: Ok…..

Me: I just don’t really want to hold your hand anymore.

Him: Huh?

Me: What I’m trying to say is, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Him: Oh. Ok. Well….can we still be friends.

Me: I don’t do that. But I wish you all the best!

FIN

Or, if you would rather, here is an example of a guy breaking up with me.

Him: We are getting more serious than I wanted. I’m just not really ready for that type of a relationship.

Me: Ok. [On the inside, my heart was crushed]

Him: I think you’re wonderful. Really. I’m just not ready for it.

Me: Ok.

Him: What do you think?

Me: Sure. No worries.

Him: You don’t care?

Me: Ummm… this conversation is getting a little too serious. I’m just not ready to be in a committed serious conversation right now.

Him: I’m not joking.

Me: Neither am I.

Him: We can still be friends.

Me: I don’t do that.  But I wish you the best! [Cried over that guy for weeks. True story.]

So, in an effort to be more awkward but better at explaining my feelings, I’ve decided to write a break-up blog. This way, when a break-up occurs I can just direct the guy to this post instead of talking to him. Communication problems solved!

If I am breaking up with you…….

Hey you. I have really enjoyed our time together. Really. You have been a peach. I’m just not…….wow, this is hard…….I’m just not in the same place as you are. We aren’t meant to be together. No, don’t argue. I think you feel it too. You have such a good soul and I will always think back on our time together fondly. But I think it’s time we went our separate ways. I wish you nothing but happiness. And just so you know, we can’t be friends because I don’t do that. And yes, I am blog breaking-up with you but it’s not because I want to humiliate you, it’s because I’m not good at communication in relationships (which you should totally know seeing as how until about 10 seconds ago we were in one). But really, I wish you lots of happiness.

If I am breaking-up with you because you are a douche bag……

Yeah. We’re breaking-up. I just can’t handle the douche-baggery. What I’m trying to say is this: You are a douche bag. I am not. Ipso facto we are breaking up. But I wish you nothing but the best!

If you are breaking-up with me……

I’m not going to lie, this hurts a bit. At the end of the day, though, you’re right. We shouldn’t be together. Mostly because you have really bad breath. And no, I don’t think we will be friends, I don’t do that.  And yes, yes I will be blogging about this. You knew what you were getting into. But, I wish you the best!

You guys, I am really proud of myself. I think I grew as a person today. Although, I’m pretty sure I’ve just scared away any potential boyfriends I may have had. I guess trying to improve myself as a person requires sacrifice. Shucks.

How would you blog break-up with someone?

Loving A Celebrity. It Seems Weird.

Alan Alda

Oh Hawkeye.....

Celebrity love. Loving celebrities. Hmmmm. It seems weird, right? I mean, what, you follow them on twitter, facebook stalk them, real-life stalk them? Where is the line? And if you aren’t the stalking kind then do you just walk around all the time with like lots of unrequited feelings??? And how do you handle loving someone who like a million other people also love? (I’m using the term “love” here pretty loosely- I assume it’s something more akin to lust or desire, but hey, I’m not judging) How do you get past all the groupie love? Do you get jealous? I mean, this all seems very strange, right? Am I right? I’m totally right.

Here’s what I think- I think that celebrities make for a convenient face for whatever your fantasy guy/girl is. They can be anyone, with any type of characteristic because you don’t actually know them. And they are wonderfully good-looking so that doesn’t hurt.  Am I right? I’m totally right.

And yet, I too have fallen into the trap of crushing on a celebrity. Alas, Alan Alda never returned my fervent letters that went something like this.

Dear Mr. Alda,

Can I call you Alan? Al? Sugarbee? Ok- Al it is. (Although I perferred sugarbee myself).

I just want to tell you that you are my favorite actor. Like, most favorite ever. I have a million questions to ask you but I will limit myself to 7 since I’m sure we will be communicating regularly after this and I can ask my other 999,993 questions then. Boy- do we have an exciting life ahead of us!

1. Who is you favorite actor? I just want to know so I can love him as well. It’s really important that we like the same things.

2. Do you have access to a time machine? Listen- you were super foxy as Hawkeye but I realize time has passed since then and I would feel a little strange being with you now (although you are way cuter than Hugh Hefner). So, we are going to need to travel back in time a bit. (Wait- will I exist if we do that? This is pretty complicated but you are totally worth it!)

3.  What is your favorite fruit? Please don’t say blueberries…. please don’t say blueberries….please don’t say blueberries.

4. Do you think the world would be able to handle a hilarious power-couple such as ourselves?

5. Would our love cause an apocalypse? (This is a follow-up to number 4)

6. What is your favorite pick-up line? You should know I will assume you are trying to use it on me. The answer is yes by the way.

7. Can I please call you sugarbee? Please say yes……I don’t want to have to change all the monogrammed towels I ordered.

Love, hugs, kisses, and roses

Girl on the Contrary

I can’t believe he never responded. I. Am. Heart. Broken. What I learned from this experience is that you can’t love celebrities. They will break your heart every time. And they won’t even know they broke your heart because they don’t know you- and you don’t know them. Am I right? I’m totally right.

What celebrities are you loving? And how do you avoid stalking them?

Pick-Up Lines That Would NOT Work On Me.

NO. JUST NO. NOPE. UH UH.

NOT HAPPENING.

 

Yesterday, I shared all of the pick-up lines that would definitely work on me. So today, I thought it was really important to share the pick-up lines that would NOT work on me. I’m nothing if not fair and balanced. I’m all about balance. Also, I don’t want any of you to think I’m easy. Or slutty, which I guess means the same thing as easy.

1. Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world? Um yes, I did just rock your world- with my rejection.

2. I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true. That’s impossible. If you’re not a genie then there is no way you can make my dreams come true. That’s just logic.

3. Baby you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems. I really hate math. Also, I’m not that great at it so I’m probably not going to solve any of your problems. How can I say this……you+me=incompatible. Comprende?

4. If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib. I don’t eat meat so…….thanks for playing. Better luck next time.

5. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. Really? That’s all you would change? Talk about no imagination.

6. Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart. Boy, you just said the exactly wrong thing. Walk away. Just walk away.

7. Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend. That’s crazy because you look a lot like that guy who is going to wish he hadn’t approached me with that line.

8. Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here. Yes, I am lost. Can you tell me how get back? Earth sucks. I miss Heaven.

9. Like the sheets on your bed, I want to cover you with love. My sheets want to cover me with love? Wow, they never said anything. This changes everything.

10. Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only TEN I see. I’m from Texas. Tejas baby. You better recognize.

There are loads more and I would love to hear some of your worst (or best depending on how you see it) pick-up lines! Let’s make the internet uncomfortable people.

Pick-Up Lines That Would Definitely Work On Me

Bar Scene

Listen, I don’t know why I think about these things. Although, conversely, I don’t know why I shouldn’t think about these things. The moral of the story is that there is a lot I don’t know.  Think about it. Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you. Unless I am…..am I? Whoa.

My old roommate and I used to text each other pick-up lines for laughs. Also,  in case we met a super foxy guy walking down the street- that way we knew exactly what to say. So, I’m pretty much an expert on pick-up lines. I mean, I’m not an expert on using them, but I am really good at reciting them at parties and funerals for laughs (because if there is one place you need to laugh…….) And although they are generally cheesy and ridiculous I have to admit there are a few that would definitely work on me.

1. Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice. Listen, if he makes an Alice and Wonderland reference, I am ALL IN.

2. Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, just a sparkle. Oh you.

3. Hello, I’m a thief and I am here to steal your heart. Stealing is against the law, but you have to admire a guy who would risk going to jail for you. That’s called love ladies and gentlemen.

4. You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me. Rhyming=way to my heart.

5. I know we’re not in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you are still charming. A Harry Potter pick-up line?! Marry me now.

6. Hey… Didn’t I see your name in the dictionary under “Shazaam!”? Why yes, yes you did.

7. If stars would fall everytime I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty. That’s poetry y’all.

8. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. Come on. I mean, wow. Quality stuff. How can you not say yes to that?

Please don’t judge me. In an effort to not lose your complete respect, I will post a list of pick-up lines that would NOT work on me tomorrow. But before that, feel free to share the pick-up lines that work on you. It’s oddly liberating.

Flirtation Failure: Playing The Tiny Tim Card

Tiny Tim

 

So- I haven’t really had any opportunity to flirt with the accident and all. This puts me behind for my October deadline. But no fear my friends, I have a plan. I’m going to play the Tiny Tim card. Seeing as how I’m on crutches and will likely be so for a while more, this card seems like my best option. I mean, it’s an easy conversation starter. “Hey pretty lady, how did you hurt your leg?” (is what I imagine them saying). Then I can tell them about my car accident and we can just take the conversation from there. They will probably want to buy me dinner because, sheesh, I was in a car accident don’t I deserve a free meal? OH WAIT. I just realized- I can play the damsel in distress card on TOP of the Tiny Tim card. I hear that guys really go for a damsel in distress so I might as well capitalize on it now because this is about the only time in my life anyone would ever consider me a damsel in distress. Ok, I can see it all playing out in my mind now.

Attractive Fella: How did you hurt your leg? ( I left out the “pretty lady” jazz because if a guy said that to me in real life, I wouldn’t really appreciate it.)

Me: I was in a bad car accident. (bats eyelashes)

Attractive Fella: Oh my goodness! I’m so glad you are alright.

Me: Me too, it was so frightening. (more eyelash batting)

Attractive Fella: Can I get that door for you? (note: there is a door)

Me: Yes, please. I would really appreciate it. I just don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here. (note: I would have figured it out)

Attractive Fella: It’s the least I could do. I’m [insert name here].

Me: It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Girl on the Contrary. (big smile)

Attractive Fella: Girl on the Contrary?  What an interesting name.

Me: My parents are hippies. (note: my parents aren’t hippies)

Attractive Fella: This may seem a bit forward but, can I buy you dinner sometime?

Me: I like your boldness. Yes, yes you may buy me dinner. (eyelash batting and smiling)

* And they lived happily ever after*  (note: or at least they had a pleasant dinner)

These crutches might actually play in my favor. Or they might just give me bruises in my armpits. At this point, it’s a toss-up.

Flirtation Failure: Deadline October.

 

Flirt Magazine

Love and Laffs don't mix???!! I'm screwed.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you guys that I haven’t been practicing flirting. I am still a flirtation failure. I sort of smiled(ish) at a guy not too long ago if that counts for anything. No? It doesn’t? Oh. Ok.

So- I’m starting over at trying to be less of a complete and total goofball at flirting (and by goofball I mean coward). And now, I have more motivation than ever- a wedding in October that I have been instructed to “bring a +1….or else”  I’m pretty sure the “or else” is  one of the following options.

A) Taking care of drunk family members at the wedding

B) Being forced to sing “Single Ladies” at the wedding

C) Having to sit at the kids table and all the kids have boyfriends and girlfriends and then I have to admit I’m the “loser” at the kids table.

D) Being forced to watch movies about aliens until I pass out in fear and then when I wake up I realize that flirting isn’t nearly as scary. But that’s a really hard way to learn.

E) Be set-up on a blind wedding date. (Now that’s scary)

Obviously, I don’t want any of these things to happen. This gives me motivation to start flirting (shudder) and hopefully, fingers crossed, find myself a +1 to take to my friends wedding.

Ok- I have the motivation but what I’m lacking is the skills to make this happen. I mean, I can “practice” all day long  but if I’m not doing the right things, then it’s sort of just reaffirming bad habits. What I need from you people is advice. I know I got a lot of flirting advice in my first Flirtation Failure but it was sort of overwhelming and mixed in was a lot of “Flirting is so easy, it’s like riding a bike” and I happen to be really scared of bike riding so that just confirmed my suspicion that flirting is actually terrifying. I need help. Sure, I need help on lot’s of things (i.e. the bike riding) but flirting help is priority right now because I have a deadline looming and even though I love singing “Single Ladies” in my car, I don’t fancy doing it at a wedding. Help me, readers of Girl on the Contrary, you’re my only hope!