Tag Archives: office

Your Office Doesn’t Care About Your Health.

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BlockedI do care about your health. I want to make sure you know as much as possible about serious diseases such as eye chlamydia. Your office doesn’t want you to know that. They want you to get eye chlamydia. They are probably trying to kill you. Shame on them.

How do I know this? Well, I was first informed by one Mr. OpentoAdventure that his office had blocked my blog due to the term “chlamydia”. Had that been the only issue I might have chalked this up to a victory- a real “Damn the Man” moment. Unfortunately, what happened is that I then learned that many readers of this blog were unable to read my blog because of office blocks. Immediately, I realized this was a conspiracy to keep people misinformed about eye chlamydia. Someone doesn’t want you to know about this highly contagious disease, but who is it? I went through the list of usual suspects, Pharmaceuticals, Insurance, Otters, and the Government, but I ruled them out one by one. Who is behind this campaign of blocked information/humor  or as I like to call it ” The Eye Chlamydia Conspiracy of 2010″ ??

The answer to that question is spiders. Eight-legged many eyed spiders. As it turns out they want to have the monopoly on eyes in nature so they want yours to become diseased and fall out. And office internet watchdogs are in on it. The spiders are paying them off. In silk. Oh wait, that’s silkworms. Ok- the spiders are paying them off by scaring their enemies for them. It’s like a mafia thing. The spiders play the tough guys for the office internet watchdogs and then the watchdogs then in turn block my website so you can’t learn about eye chlamydia. Jinkies!

The worst part is that you probably can’t even read this post to become informed about this horrific plot to kill your eyes by the spiders because I have used the word “chlamydia” like 1 million times. Your eyes are going to fall out!!! Because, I’m pretty sure that’s what eye chlamydia does to you. Evil spiders. Just because they want to have the monopoly on eyes. I can’t imagine what they are doing to other creatures with eyes. This is a sad and scary world folks.

Also, I wrote this post because my sister thought my first eye chlamydia reference was funny.

So really it comes down to 4 things.

1. Your office doesn’t care about your health.

2. Spiders want to be the only creatures with eyes.

3. Spiders and office watchdogs are in the mafia together.

4. My sister thinks I’m funny.

Also, I bet you won’t believe that I wrote this post completely sober. I did. It really is a sad scary world.

BobbleHead Neck Brace

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Just a follow-up to my previous bobblehead post.

One of the best reasons not to be a bobblehead is your health. You can literally hurt yourself. This has been proven to me by my offices resident bobblehead and the recent neck injury the bobblehead sustained. Sure, they say it’s from something else but I know it’s from too much nodding of the head. Neck injuries people. They hurt. Lesson learned? Don’t be a bobblehead or your neck will break. I’m a bobblehead doctor, I discovered this disease, I know what could happen. Listen to me, take my advice, and don’t bob the head.

Julia Roberts Neck Brace

Pretty soon, this will be the new work attire.

BobbleHead Syndrome

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Dwight BobbleHeadYou know this guy. This is the guy you see on a daily, or at least, weekly basis. This is the guy that sits in every meeting or gathering and nods. He just nods and nods and nods. And if he is ever not nodding and sees someone else nodding he quickly starts nodding again. (He isn’t about to be out-nodded). This guy is a bobblehead.

When he says things, he says things like this “We need to action our deliverables” and ” We need to drill down to the bottom line” and ” We can monetize this product. It’s all about monetizing it.” These things don’t really mean anything. The bobblehead should stick to nodding. Somehow the bobblehead is successful. Somehow the bobblehead (though he annoys everyone else) impresses the people he needs to impress to further himself. My theory on this is that important people like to be validated by nods. The more you nod in agreement (whether you understand them or not) the more they trust you and want to reward you for you obvious intelligence. So the bobblehead succeeds.

This success of the bobblehead results in what I like to call bobblehead syndrome. Bobblehead syndrome is when everyone starts following the example of the lead bobblehead. All if the sudden every meeting is like a chorus of nodding. Everyone wants the nod solo but it is hard to come by. There is brutal nodding competition. The only person not nodding is the person speaking whom everyone is trying to impress by nodding. That person feels very validated. I mean, a nod is consent and agreement, and it always feels nice to have everyone agreeing with you. Bobblehead syndrome has infected the entire group (except for rebels like me who now won’t nod even if they do agree).

The cure? As sad as it is, the only cure for bobblehead syndrome is the fall of one of the bobbleheads. At some point a bobblehead will be called out- their pointless nodding will be seen for what it really is, and then everyone will instantly stop nodding afraid of meeting the same humiliating fate. A bobblehead has fallen and then been abandoned by his fellow bobbleheads. This is a nasty syndrome that always ends in heartache. It is resilient, however, and it will return to nod another day. You haven’t seen the last of bobblehead syndrome.

* Note- I discovered bobblehead syndrome. It is one of the most important breakthroughs of my generation. You’re welcome.

Tastes Like Murder. A Typical Day at the Office.

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I opened the refrigerator at my office today. It smelled like something had been brutally murdered in it. It was beyond retch worthy. Not only was I afraid something would jump out of the fridge and then brutally murder me to replenish the smell- I was mostly worried about the drink I had left in it yesterday. The opened drink that I was pretty sure would now taste like murder.

Now, at this point, most people would probably just throw away that drink. Not I. I chose to trepidatiously sip at my day-old-cooled-by-a-murder-smelling-refrigerator beverage. Luckily for me, it did not taste like murder. It tasted just like the mixed berries it should have. Boy, was I relieved. Also, afterwards, I had to wonder why I had chosen to take a sip, sure it worked out alright in the end but that could have been the most disgusting of beverage disasters. Why in the world, did I take the chance?

I don’t really have an answer but I do know one thing. Someone in my office is responsible for that foul stench. Of course, when cornered and mercilessly interrogated, no one would admit their wrong-doing (or at the very least forgetfulness). There are only a few plausible conclusions to draw from this.

1. Someone at my workplace is trying, unsuccessfully, to kill me via my sense of smell.

2. There is actually some type of hob-goblin living in that refrigerator that is invisible and is brutally murdering things and then making them invisible and then letting them rot for the joy of seeing the office’s disgusted faces. (I heard somewhere that hob-goblins get the most joy out of making people disgusted).

3. There are vampires working here and they accidently left their bottles of blood opened in the fridge and now they don’t want anyone to know it was them because their super secret vampire identities would be revealed.

4. There isn’t a smell at all and I have a massive brain tumor that is making me smell things that don’t exist.

Those are the only logical conclusions I have come to. Don’t even get me started on the improbable scenarios I have concocted for the source of the smell (suffice it to say one of them involves time travel). Anyway you look at it, I’m not sure my workplace is safe anymore.