Over the weekend, I faced one of my biggest fears. Because I’m a badass like that. Although, I’m not sure how many badasses have panic blankets but let’s not suffer the details right now.
I watched Jurassic Park. All. The. Way. Through.
I’ve never been able to make it through the entire movie. I’ve seen all the bits, just not in order and not at the same time. Because that movie terrifies me. Because I’m scared of dinosaurs. Which is strange and weird and makes no sense whatsoever but if you came to this blog looking for sense then you are so lost you might never be found again. Welcome.
With the help of my posse of badassery (Captain Thoughtful, Grace from (The Spinsters), and Professor McGergor) I sat down and watched the entirety of Jurassic Park. At night time. When there was a storm coming. And I didn’t even use the panic blanket once.
At this point, there is only one thing left to say: IN YOUR FACE STEVEN SPIELBERG!
(P.S. Please don’t make another dinosaur movie. Or alien movie. I was just kidding about that “in your face thing”. Thanksloveyoubye!)
JURASSIC PARK IN 3D.
Need I say more? Yes? Ok fine. They (meaning the powers that hate me) are re-releasing Jurassic Park in 3D. Because it wasn’t enough to make me have 2D waking nightmares, no, they want me to have 3D waking nightmares where a TRex and a Raptor jump out and try to eat me from a movie screen. Because Steven Spielberg hates me. There is literally no other explanation, I mean, he can’t be doing this for the money. No, it’s not about the money. It’s about inflicting as much terror on me as possible through dinosaurs. Sure, some might argue that this is easily avoidable by not seeing the movie, but they would be WRONG. Wrong because I’ve already been terrified by a 3D preview that came on when I was seeing another not-at-all-dinosaur-related movie. At first, I didn’t believe what was happening and then A TREX JUMPED OUT OF THE SCREEN AT ME AND THEN BLACKNESS because I either passed out or my brain is trying to protect me by blocking the memory, except no stupid brain you blocked out the wrong part.
I mean, obviously I’m not going to see it. But just the fact that it’s happening proves a point. Mr. Spielberg hates my guts.
This is the face Legolas makes when you accidentally fart in front of him. So judgmental.
There is a sandwich place I love to eat at. They make really yummy fresh sandwiches and have not once forgotten my emphatic “no mayo” request. But I can’t ever, ever use the restroom there. Why? Because they have a full life size cut out of Legolas pointed right at the toilet. And in theory I think that’s very funny, but in reality I really really don’t want Legolas to see me pee. Sure, I know it’s a cut out and not actually Legolas but it’s very upsetting to drop your trousers in front of an elf and do your business, even if that elf is just cardboard. And he’s looking right at you the whole time with his ever watchful piercing eyes and those eyes are saying “That’s gross, you totally just farted.” and I just can’t take that kind of judgement from Legolas y’all.
I mean, Legolas is totally used to women who are also elves and they are just so elegant and dreamy and I’m sure they never ever accidentally fart in front of him. And I can’t live up to that standard because I’m a woman who is not also an elf. I’m just a human woman who after a large iced tea has to pee really really badly. And I don’t understand why Legolas has to be so judgmental about that.
This weekend, I decided to push my fear limits by watching a movie I knew contained aliens in it, so Captain Thoughtful and I rented Battleship. Girl on the Contrary commentary in 5..4..3..2..1..
Ok Liam Neeson, you get one more chance from me. Umm, why don’t we ever here about these scientific developments that are probably going to get us killed by aliens? They need to warn us about this shiz. Wait. Are these real scientific developments? Because that guy is talking in an English accent so I’m inclined to believe whatever he is saying. WHOA. Tim Riggins is in this? And Eric from Trueblood? Jackpot! Dude- Tim Riggins and Eric are brothers- so far, I really like this movie. Hey! Don’t taze Tim Riggins bro! Landry is in this movie too??? It’s like a Friday Night Lights reunion on a battleship!! You know something? I bet $10 that Liam Neeson changes his mind about Tim Riggins by the end of this movie. I have a feeling Tim Riggins will come through in the end. Rhianna, this is not an exercise, it’s ALIENS!!!! Prepare yourself. Man. Aliens are the worst, the just killed Eric the vampire. The jokes on them though because Tim Riggins is out for revenge. NOOOOOOOO! Damn it. They’re going to show real aliens- not just robots. This is becoming increasingly terrifying. Hey. People. Listen up: Whenever you think the alien is dead HE IS NOT, he is alive and he will try to kill you when he wakes up. Let’s learn some lessons here. See? I knew Landry would help save the day. Landry is the best! Yay! They have a plan! They have a plan to kill the aliens!!! Huzzah! Now, that’s what I call solar power (Get it? Because they use the sun to kill some aliens.) Bada Bing! What? They’re getting the USS Missouri back in action! THAT. IS. AWESOME. And they’re enlisting actual WWII veterans to help them man it and kill the aliens!! THAT. IS. EVEN. MORE. AWESOME. YES!!!!! Take that aliens! WWII vets are coming for you! Huzzah! We win!
And so does Liam Neeson, because I have totally forgiven him for The Grey. He is definitely back in my good graces. You guys, I feel like this movie got panned by critics, but I’m not even going to lie- I LOVED IT. Seriously, even though aliens scare me half to death, I was so into this movie that I was able to put my fears aside and get super amped by this movie. I thought the writing was actually pretty clever, and a lot of the jokes were tongue in cheek making fun of themselves and I quite liked it. Also, they used actual WWII vets and an actual veteran who had lost both his legs and he got to punch an alien in the face and was just an all around bad ass. This movie is pretty much the definition of bad ass and I loved it. I can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. I loved Battleship.
So, this is a thing where I watch a movie and then record everything I say/do during the movie. Also, you should know I’m watching these movies from the comfort of my own couch where I can yell out and blog about what I’m watching as much as I like. Because I’ve found people don’t like it much when I do that in a movie theater. I mean, I could be wrong, but they kind of seem to hate it.
This is me watching The Grey with Liam Neeson. Please note, there are spoilers.
It’s Aslan’s voice! Hmmm, I sense a tragedy in this man’s past. Yep. He just said it. Nailed it. WHAT?! Homie just shot a wolf. A WOLF. I like it better when people just dance with them like that nice Kevin Costner. No! Don’t kill yourself Liam! Whew- he didn’t do it. No no no! Do NOT get on an airplane covered in ice. I feel like this is common sense. Why are people getting on that plane? Dermot Mulroney?! Yay! Oh no! I KNEW you shouldn’t get on an airplane covered in ice. I just knew it! Also, I feel like maybe I’ll never get on any airplane anywhere ever again. Ick. A wolf is eating that lady….AAAGGGGHHH Liam Neeson is fighting a wolf with his bare hands!! Dude, I bet that the brother wolf to the one he killed earlier. At the very least it’s probably a second cousin seeking vengeance. What does that guy mean “How does he know about wolves?”? Didn’t he see Taken? I feel like Liam was pretty clear about having “A particular set of skills.”
(And then I hid my head under a blanket for like 45 minutes because WOLVES WERE EATING PEOPLE. Or, more specifically and way more horrifyingly, THEY WERE MURDERING PEOPLE WITH THEIR TEETH. So, yeah, head under blanket.)
Umm, I’m sorry, you can NOT jump off a cliff and into trees and not get hurt. That’s just not a thing that happens. No! Dermot Mulroney! Noooooooooooo!!!! This is the most depressing and hopeless movie ever. All is lost! All is lost! There is no hope or happiness! Wait. Are you kidding me? *That* is how this ends? No. Unacceptable. You do not get to make a movie that has me hiding under blankets, sobbing, and forsaking all hope, and then not give me a definite conclusion. You owe me an ice cream Liam, I’m holding you responsible for this.
That movie wasn’t grey like a rainy day, it was black like the part of the night when WOLVES COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND MURDER YOU. That’s real talk y’all. I found this movie upsetting. And poor Captain Thoughtful had to sit through it with me, bless his heart.
Occasionally, I have unpopular opinions. Instead of secreting them away in my fortress of unpopular opinions (the wallpaper in the fortress is lime green and they never serve red flavored gummi bears) I decided to share one of those unpopular opinions with you. I’m not entirely sure why but I imagine it has something to do with wine……
I think ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ is going to be bad. And not in the way where it’s good to be bad, but bad in the way where it’s just bad. I’m going to see it, don’t get me wrong, those Hollywood types will get my money, but I still think I’m going to walk out of the movie thinking it was bad.
And that was GotC’s unpopular opinion of the week. So be it.
I’m thrilled today because I’m going to see the midnight showing of The Hunger Games and I know it will fill the Harry Potter sized hole in my heart. Thank heavens I have three more movies based on books I love to see me through the next few years. After that, I expect all hell to break loose unless Suzanne Collins or JK Rowling come to the rescue again.
The release of The Hunger Games movie is forcing us all to ask (or re-ask if we’ve read the books) ourselves how would we fare if we were forced to be a tribute? As for me, I see it going one of four ways.
1. I would be so hilarious and charming that no one would want to kill me and I would win by default.
2. I would be so hilarious and charming that everyone would want to kill me and I would be the first to go.
3. I would devise a ludicrous strategy that was just zany enough to keep me alive.
4. I would devise a ludicrous strategy that was just zany enough to backfire and kill me instantly.
What about you? How would you fare in the hunger games?
In an ongoing effort to overcome my admittedly absurd fear of dinosaurs I bought a dinosaur (specifically a stegosaurus) cookie cutter and made dinosaur cookies. Basically, this was my attempt to make dinosaurs ridiculous thereby stripping them of their fear-inducing power over me. Like a cookie based Riddikulus spell. This plan was a two-parter.
Part 1: Make yummy dinosaur cookies.
Part 2: Watch Jurassic Park and see if dinosaurs still scare me.
Take that, you non-violent herbivore!
The cookies were delicious and decorating a dinosaur with brightly colored sprinkles and pink icing definitely made it seem less scary but I think choosing an herbivore as my cookie cutter was a mistake. Because really, how much fear did stegosaurus’ really induce pre-sprinkle? Not much. I really should have chosen a T-Rex or Raptor because when I tried to watch Jurassic Park after baking, I found that those two still scare the rhymes-with-spit out of me. I didn’t make it through the movie. Not only did I not make it through the movie, I didn’t even make it through the first hour. The cookies tasted good though and were mighty helpful when I was eating my feelings of shame about not being able to watch a movie that most adults would consider only slightly scarier than Aladdin. (Jafar was really evil y’all, if I had known the term when I was 8, I would say he was a megalomaniac, but I stand by my description of him as a poopy-face.)
Although this little experiment was an overwhelmingly delicious failure, it did inspire me to coin the term SWA, which stands for “Spielberg Wins Again”. And it’s particularly relevant as I ‘ve recently read he’s eager to begin work on the fourth installation of Jurassic Park. SWA.
Why is today a happy day? Two reasons.
1. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and it’s my favorite holiday.
2. THE MUPPETS MOVIE COMES OUT TODAY!!!!
I love The Muppets. I love them so much. They were an awesome part of my childhood and an even more awesome part of my adulthood because I understand the jokes a lot better. I am so thrilled that I finally get to see the movie today. So thrilled, in fact, that I can talk of nothing else and when people ask me to please be serious all I can say is “Waka waka”. If you get that joke, we’re probably friends.
In honor of this most auspicious day, I thought I would share some of my absolute favorite Muppet moments. Enjoy!
Queen + The Muppets? An epic win.
Classic y’all. I sing this every day while I’m getting ready for work. Puts me in an awesome mood.
Johnny Cash and The Muppets!!!!!! My brain, it explodes with happy.
I hope this filled your day with happy!!!!
This movie was so terrible. SO. TERRIBLE. I don’t even think terrible covers it. When I left the theater I felt like the biggest fool in the world. Why was I there? What possessed me to give that movie a chance? How could I have let such a travesty happen to me? What makes it worse, is I was there with my friend and her brain got punched as well and it’s all my fault. I can’t believe I paid to see that. I will never forgive myself. Ever.
Full disclosure here, I did read all 4 books so I knew what I was in for more or less. Which, really, when you think about it, makes it all the worse that I saw the movie. I knew better! The first 3 books were fine I guess, I’ll admit I was caught up in the romance of them, but when I got the the fourth book everything changed.
Listen- I can suspend my disbelief enough to believe in vampires and werewolves. But under no circumstances am I able to suspend my disbelief so much that I can accept that a vampire who has been dead for over 100 years still has viable sperm. Really? Unacceptable. I’m also unwilling to believe that chewing your baby out of the womb is an acceptable way to deliver a baby. Oh, and just so everyone knows, no matter how innocent they try to make “imprinting” sound- it is still creepy as hell. And honestly, it was even worse on film. Worse and never-ending- this movie is like 2 1/2 hours long. For reals. Shame on me for sitting through it.
Anyway, I’ll probably see the next one too. I clearly need to have my head examined.