Tag Archives: Humor

A Letter To His Excellency Lorne Michaels.

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Your Excellency,

It has become public knowledge that the current anchor of Weekend Update, Seth Meyers, will be leaving your beautious kingdom of Saturday Night Live to pursue his fortunes in other and wilder lands of weekly late-night hijinks. Surely, he will be dearly missed and I think it best that we all take the summer to mourn this loss. However, come Fall, I think we should find hope in a new head knight of Weekend Update, Kenan Thompson.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, he would be spectacular. He is, oh so very very funny. His characters are always some of the best and he makes me laugh every time.

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Please consider this my fervent plea for Kenan Thompson to be the anchor of Weekend Update.

Humorsly yours,

 

GotC

* Please note that Kenan Thompson did not approve this message. Although, he didn’t not not approve it either.

Girl On The Contrary- On A Diet

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Something MAJOR happened this weekend y’all.

I TURNED DOWN COTTON CANDY.

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For the very first time in my life, I “just said no” to my personal drug of choice, cotton candy. So, I’m expecting a call of congratulations from Nancy Reagan any day now and also some sort of award named after me at my old elementary school where I passed the D.A.R.E. program with flying colors, I even got a sticker.

Nevertheless, I turned down Cotton Candy. Multiple people offered to buy me some and I still said no. NO.

What’s happening to me?

I’m scared y’all.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday.

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When people write “Have a nice day.”  instead of writing “Have a nice day!” it makes me feel like they don’t really want me to have a nice day.

OR

It could mean they are really really serious about me having a nice day. Too serious for exclamation marks. So serious about it, that they will, in fact, beat me up if I don’t have a nice day.

Punctuation can be harsh.

I’m D-List Celebrity Adjacent.

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Last Thursday, I stopped by one of my favorite Austin eateries, Snap Kitchen, for a quick (and healthy!) bite of lunch. I picked up a salad (spinach and goat cheese, if you’re nosy) and paid the clerk at the counter who proceeded to tell me that Brad Womack of The Bachelor fame had, not five minutes before me, bought that exact same salad!

Ladies, I can tell you for sure he likes spinach and goat cheese.

Ladies, I can tell you for sure he likes spinach and goat cheese.

I’m D-list celebrity adjacent y’all. D-list. Celebrity. Adjacent.

Things I’m *Supposed* To Worry About. Spoiler- I Don’t.

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If you’re a gal in her late twenties (as I am) then you have a pretty heavy list of thing you’re supposed to worry about.

1. Your fertility is going-going-almost gone! Make the babies! Make the babies!

2. Wrinkles! You’ll be an old hag by the end of the year! Creams! Serums! Masks! Facials! PANIC.

3. Money money money money monnnneeeeee… you don’t have enough. Work more. Get a better job. Make the moola. But, don’t work so hard that you don’t have the time and energy for a baby, because as I mentioned earlier, you have to make one of those like yesterday.

4. Pilates! Kardashians! Fashion! Juice cleanses! Organic food! Anti-oxidants! Miley Cyrus’s hair! You need to know about all these things at all times.

5. Did you know women start menopause as early as 35? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.

OR

You could worry about the things I actually worry about.

1. There are people literally trying to Jurassic Park dinosaur DNA. As in, bring dinosaurs back to life.

2. Rogue cows. There was a cow in our backyard last Saturday, a cow that was not behind a fence. How did you get out cow? Can you apparate? Can you? Cows can apparate y’all. You’ve been warned.

3. I saw a girl wearing leather shorts the other day, and apparently it’s the fashion thing to do, but y’all, this is Texas. Hot hot Texas, and if girls start wearing leather shorts all the time, I’m worried we’ll have an epidemic of vagina suffocation on our hands.

4. Read this. Brain juice was leaking out of his nose. Think about that next time you get the sniffles.

5. Being served any kind of BBQ other than Texas BBQ.

Seriously, who has time to worry about money and babies when there are cows apparating? Priorities.

Girl On The Contrary- On A Diet.

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Someone told me (or I read it somewhere, or most likely I’m making this up) that in order for your diet to be successful, you need to set a goal. Obviously, my first thought was “My goal should be to convince Spielberg not to make any more dinosaur or alien movies.” but I feel like that would turn into less of a diet and more of a hunger strike. So, I went with my second choice goal, which is, to get back in primo jazz hands shape.

You may have noticed a distinct lack of jazz hands pics lately, and that is because I’m not longer in jazz hands shape. The jazz hands, they just aren’t all that jazzy enough anymore. But that is about to change. I can feel the power of the jazz hands returning with every ounce I lose and soon enough the jazz hands will return y’all. Oh yes. The jazz hands cometh.

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In the meantime, I’ve chosen my favorite and most effective diet tips to share. Because sharing is caring.

1. Don’t like that super healthy meal you’re eating? Pour hot sauce on it. Either siracha or tabasco or some other preferred hot sauce. Lots of flavor, lots of spice. Also, I heard chilis help you lose weight or make your skin glow or cleanse your pores or something. Hot sauce for everyone!

Ok, so I guess tips was a bit of a misnomer. I really just have the one. And also, it might be more about my love of all things spicy than an actual diet tip.

I Told Y’all This Was Going To Happen!

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Recently it came to my attention via Christian  that I have been right all along about everything. Probably everything. Everything-ish? We can figure out exactly how much I’m right about later, but one thing is for sure, I was right about at least one thing: DINOSAURS ARE MAKING A COMEBACK. (And they want to eat us)

I’m not going to lie to y’all, Christian told me about this, like, a year ago, but that is how long it’s taken me to fully process this information.

We are totally going to EAT ALL THE PEOPLE!

We are totally going to EAT ALL THE PEOPLE!

Read this article and face your impending dinosaur doom!

Did you notice they used E Coli to harbor this gene? Basically, they’re using something that makes you really sick to create something that will want to eat you.

Sister Contrary Is A Baller.

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I haven’t talked about my sister on this blog very much, mostly because I think I have humiliated/forced her to eat cat food enough for one lifetime, but y’all, I think it’s important for you to know that my sister is a baller. Maybe she’s so cool because of the ceaseless teasing and torture I inflicted upon her (lovingly) as kids. In fact, yeah, let’s go ahead and say that she’s as cool as she is because of me. Unfortunately, my plan of teasing her into coolness had a flaw, which is, she’s like LOTS cooler than me now, as proven over the weekend at a family dinner.

Sister Contrary: I want to live like a King and Queen with my husband. You know separate rooms, but he can like, come and visit my room whenever he wants, except after (note: she’s talking about after sex here ….) he has to go back to his own room. 

This girl is so cool. She said that in front of our Dad. Our Dad.

 

Girl On The Contrary- On A Diet.

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Did you know that just because a pizza has fancy ingredients on it doesn’t mean it’s healthy??!!!

Because that was a nasty shock to me.

I mean, if arugula, spinach, and goat cheese can’t make a pizza healthy, well then, friends I’m sorry to say pizza just can’t be healthy. Ever.

It’s a sad day for everyone. Feel free to take the day off work, go home, and mourn your loss. Tell your boss you have my permission, just be like really cool and confident about it and it will work. Probably.