For reasons unknown to me, the great Google oracle has deemed my blog an appropriate place to send people searching for answers to life’s hardest questions. I don’t know what I did to earn this honor but I promise not to let you down Your Googleness! I will endeavor to answer any and all questions you send to me in the way in which you’ve come to expect of me, which I assume is ridiculously. And away we go!
Where does Ryan Gosling live? He lives in a magical place full of wonder and abs where sweet ambrosial nectar flows without pause and the lift scene from Dirty Dancing is recreated time and time again.
Why does Ryan Gosling say Hey Girl? The Gosling says “Hey Girl.” to bring ultimate awareness to your femininity at all times.
Can I get a what what?? You most certainly can. What What!
What does a mime look like? Like a ghost wearing too much make-up.
How do I tell my friend I hate her boyfriend? You don’t. It sucks, I know, but trust me, you really shouldn’t.
Why am I getting teen vogue? I don’t know. I get it too even though I never subscribed to it. My best guess is that in an effort to make all woman hate their bodies, ages, and income, they have decided to do mass send outs of teen vogue. They’re cunning like that. And by “they” of course I’m referring to aliens.
What do I say when a girl wants a hug? You don’t say anything, you hug her. Unless you’re uncomfortable, in which case you should offer a high-five instead.
What can you hold in your bra? Depends on how large your bra is. For me, a credit card, a couple of $20s, and my ID. A more endowed lady might also be able to fit a cell phone in there.
How to get more candy when trick or treating? Clever costumes and puppy dog eyes.
Why do I get random hugs from strangers? I just needed a hug, ok?
How do I know if my boyfriend is a douche bag? If you’re asking me, he is.
How to break up with a douche bag? Easy. Here’s your script.
You: Listen, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
End scene. See how easy that was?
Why do people overuse words like hun, darling, babe? You know, I’ve come out really strong against these types of pet names but recently I’ve been wondering what’s so wrong with them? In moderation, they’re actually kind of nice. In overuse, they’re still annoying as hell. So, to answer your question, I don’t know.
How awesome am I? If you’re reading my blog you are the epitome of awesome. Because I’m awesome. True story.
How did you get so funny? Awkwardness and a desperate need to be liked that is tempered by an I-Don’t-Give-A-Damn attitude.
I hope the great and powerful Google accepts these answers in the manner they were intended, which is not at all helpful. As a side note, I would just like to express my overwhelming sense of accomplishment that for the last two months the term “douche bag” has sent over 1,000 visits to this blog making it by far my most searched term. I would also like to send a special thank you to whomever searched “You’re divisible by stupid” for giving me my next catch phrase. Cheers!