Tag Archives: ghosts

Everything Is Haunted!

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Ghost Adventures

If you don't watch this show- you are probably being haunted. Watch and learn kids. Watch and learn.

Maybe some of you nay-sayers think today’s blog title was a scare tactic. It wasn’t. EVERYTHING IS HAUNTED!

At least, it feels that way to me. And sure, maybe two weekends in a row of Ghost Adventure marathons was too much. And sure, maybe it’s made me a lot more suspicious of strange noises and occurrences. And sure, probably most of these aren’t *actual* hauntings. And sure, maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic. But really, after many hours of watching people hunt and interact with ghosts/demons/zombies (actually the zombies might have been something else I was watching….) you start to realize that everything is haunted and you better start paying attention because that creak in the stairs is actually a zombie coming to eat your brains, or a demon coming to possess you, or a ghost just trying to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. The following are accounts of real-life hauntings I’ve experienced since I started watching Ghost Adventures.

Demon Tree

Me: I love taking long walk in the woods. It’s so peaceful.

Friend: A little creepy. Like, a serial killer might jump out at any moment.

Me: Serial killer?? That would be like the worst serial killer ever. A *real* serial killer would totally stalk you and earn your trust and be like a normal person so you wouldn’t put up as much of a fight when they make their move and the whole time they have you you are totally thinking “I know this person, they won’t *actually* kill me.” But really they will totally kill you. A serial killer that jumps out of a wooded area would be a total amateur and probably the both of us could take him.

Friend: You’re sick.

Me: Or brilliant.

(At this point a tree branch scratches me)

Me: AAAAHHHHHHH! Demon tree!!! Demon tree!!! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Friend: What is wrong with you?!

Me: Clearly, that tree is possessed by a demon.

Friend: Ummmm….

Me: Don’t you watch Ghost Adventures? When things scratch you, they are demonic. Duh.

Friend: Not everything that scratches you is demonic. What if you got scratched by a button?

Me: Demon button.

Friend: I probably should have seen that coming.

Haunted Bathroom

Me: How old is this house?

Friend: Like 100 years old.

Me: I bet it’s haunted.

Friend: Why would you say that?

Me: You can’t go 100 years and not have something really messed up happen. That shiz lingers.

Friend: Well, there is a place in my bathroom wall that’s hollow. It’s like they bricked over something.

Me: It’s a body. It’s hiding a body. Your bathroom is haunted.

Friend: Let’s go check.

(We get into bathroom and are totally quiet)

Me: Oh my goodness! Did you hear that woman’s voice???!

Friend: That was you.

Me: Probably not. Probably, it was the spirit of the woman who was walled in here alive because her husband caught her cheating with the milkman and wanted revenge. Also, I bet the milkman is buried in the backyard.

Friend: I bet you were a weird kid.

Me: Why?

Friend: Because you are a weird adult.

Me: Fair enough.

FIN

And those are like, not even the scariest of my ghost encounters. I didn’t want to really terrify you by telling you about the time my hair got pulled in a restaurant and everyone said it was just caught in my necklace but I knew better. Or about the time I got out of the shower and REDRUM was spelled out on the mirror. My theory on that one was that someone poisoned someone else’s red rum (a really delicious tropical drink made with strawberries, rum, and red kool-aid) thereby killing them. Although, it would have made a lot more sense if the ghost just spelled out MURDER. Way to make me work hard to solve the mystery surrounding your death stupid ghost. You’re welcome by the way.

Anyway, I’m probably going to be watching more Ghost Adventures this weekend.


Ghosts V. Hotel Renovations

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haunted hotel

So last weekend I went to Dallas to visit my sister and we spent the night in a hotel. Not just any hotel- an historic hotel. Which are my favorite kinds of hotels because they are usually haunted or at least have a grisly history of murders, suicides, and murder suicides. The hotel we stayed in was built in 1923. Perfect, I thought, because you know like loads of rich Texans totally offed themselves during the great depression in that hotel. Also, I mean in 87 years someone had to have been murdered in that hotel. All of these things add up to ghosts.

My sister, however, seemed unmoved by the prospect of spending the night in an almost certainly haunted hotel. In fact, she declared that the hotel couldn’t possibly be haunted because the hotel had been renovated. WHAT? Um, I don’t think that ghosts care at all about hotel renovations. My sister believes that ghosts do care about renovations and that they just sort of move on if the place they haunt gets renovated. Sometimes, I can’t even believe that she and I are related. Of course ghosts don’t care about renovations- I mean, sheesh, they are way more worried about haunting and spooking and the like. As long as everything is in the same place, I think  ghosts are satisfied. How else would you explain the haunted buildings built on graveyards or battle grounds? Ghosts only care about location. I could not be more right. Unfortunately, despite my infallible logic, my sister was not convinced. She stuck to her “renovations=no ghosts” theory. And I was so distracted by this discussion that I forgot to look for signs of ghosts. So, I didn’t get to experience any hauntings or ghost-like tomfoolery. Shrugs.

Then, when I got home I looked up the hotel and it was TOTALLY haunted. Loads of people reported ghost sightings and unexplained haunting-like incidents. And I didn’t see anything. Or get haunted. Because I was too involved in a ghost v. renovations discussion. Also, I read that the hotel is really popular with celebrities but I didn’t see any of those either.

So, what side are you on in the great ghosts v. renovations debate of 2010?

My Grocery Store Is Haunted.

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ghosts

I imagine they look something like this.

The following account is completely true. (In my opinion)

My company’s Thanksgiving potluck lunch is today. So, I spent yesterday baking pumpkin cupcakes and apple pie. This story is not about that. It’s about what happened when I went to the grocery store to buy all the baking supplies I needed. It was a blistery night. The stars at night were big and bright (clap clap clap clap deep in the heart of Texas. – You might only get this if you’re from Texas. If you aren’t from Texas then just keep reading and accept there are some things you will never understand about this blog). I was at the grocery store late to avoid the crowds. Little did I know, I wasn’t alone.

Actually, I knew I wasn’t alone because, duh, I was at a grocery store. But that sounded more ominous than “there were at least 2o other people there, oh and also some ghosts.”

The ghosts were waiting for me. Waiting to turn my night into a confusing nightmare. I walked in the store with my grocery list in hand. Somehow, I suspect it was the ghosts, time sped up and I found myself in an aisle completely alone and without a grocery list. Panic took over. My entire 2 hours with that list flashed before my eyes and I couldn’t help but reminisce about the time in the fruit aisle when that list saved me from buying only 4 apples when I needed 8. Desperately, I searched for my list. It wasn’t in any of the usual places, my purse, my pockets, my shoe. I paced up and down every aisle, looking for where I might have accidently set my list down and walked away from it. How could I have taken such advantage of it? Why did I have to lose it to appreciate it? Then I realized, something else was afoot. I’m not usually that forgetful. Never before have I lost a list. I stopped right where I was and, like Sherlock Holmes, used my logic to solve the mystery of the kidnapped list. The answer was so simple. Ghosts.

There was no other explanation. It had to be ghosts. But what had I done to offend them? How could I contact them to discuss the return of my beloved list? Apparently, they weren’t in the mood to communicate because no matter what I did, no matter how many times I screamed out loud, or spoke in tongues, or did the “We need to talk” dance, they wouldn’t answer. I’m only left with one conclusion. The ghosts who haunt my grocery store are the ghosts of former hooligans who take the greatest pleasure in tomfoolery. My guess is that the grocery store was built on some kind of graveyard that was reserved for hooligans. Way to think ahead grocers. Everyone knows you don’t build things on graveyards.

What else could I do but continue shopping and leave my list behind never to be seen again? I had to move on with my life. If the situation was reversed I would want the list to move on. The hooligan ghosts win this time. I have a game plan for next time though and without going into too much detail- it involves slingshots as peace offerings.

I share the story to warn you of the dangers of grocery store hooligan ghosts. No one seems to have ever talked about them before, and I can only assume that is because people are afraid. Well, I’m not. I want the world to know that grocery store hooligan ghosts exist. I’m like a crusader (except this isn’t religious and I certainly won’t be killing anyone). I am the Norma Rae of the grocery store hooligan ghost industry. You’ve been warned. Tell your friends.