Killer Birds!!!

Posted on September 29, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Devil bird.

I was just sitting in my fourth floor office, working away like the little worker bee I am when all of the sudden a huge scary face appeared in my window. My heart skipped a beat, I jumped about a mile in the air, and an almost inaudible screech escaped my lips. I was startled to say the least. Luckily, reason soon returned and I realized quickly it couldn’t be a face in the window- I work on the fourth floor. Unless someone has jumped a few steps in evolution and is now capable of flying there is no way a face could be in my window. Or you know, I guess it could have been a window-washer but flying makes for a much better story. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter since it wasn’t a person at all, I’m just saying a flying person would be cool.

What that scary face actually was, was a devil crow bent on my destruction. That bird was so scary it actually scared the hell into me instead of out of me. And it just kept coming back and flying right at my window and terrifying me. This bird was like super smart/evil. It was using my peripheral vision against me. It’s like the devil crow knew I could only catch a quick view of it and that I might misinterpret that quick view as something like an evil floating face, or ghost, or evil sprite. Which, by the way, are all really reasonable conclusions to jump to when images of things appear in your window. And the devil crow knew this. It knew me. It knew all my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams and was trying to use them against me. Like Freddy Krueger uses dreams against people to kill them. That’s Freddy Krueger right? I don’t really watch scary movies because my imagination is already pretty overactive and a little twisted and I don’t really need to add more things to freak myself out with. The point is that the devil bird was some kind of evil genius bird that for some reason unbeknownst to me was hell-bent on scaring me to death. And maybe possessing my soul. I’m not too clear on the details.

The worst part was the devil bird brought friends. More and more evil birds flew at my window. And now I think I’m cursed. I mean, that many devil birds outside your office window means you’re cursed right? I’m totally cursed. These birds want blood. My blood. Aw geez. This is bad you guys. Death by killer devil birds.

Not even Alfred Hitchcock could figure out a way for me to get out of this. I’m doomed.

Losing My Blogging Mojo

Posted on September 27, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I got this image off an erectile dysfunction website. No joke.

I’ve been feeling like I’m losing some of my blogging mojo. I’ve been getting significantly less views- it feels like I’ve taken two steps backward. And I can’t figure it out. I just want make the world laugh and use jazz hands more often. Those are my two missions in life- so why is this so difficult?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone through periods of non-inspiration on this blog before, but this time it feels different. It’s not so much that I’m uninspired it’s that I’m not sure that what inspires me and makes me laugh until I cry is really translating all that well to others. And I want to make the people laugh! (And right now all I can think of is this SNL Monologue- also I may love this man….)

I’m starting to wonder if I’m becoming one of those really desperate comedians who stoop to further and further indignities for a laugh and pretty soon you might be seeing fart jokes on this blog (actually sometimes fart jokes are funny). And panic really starts to set in and I’m thinking- I might have to become a mime. So I go out and buy like, a lot of white face paint and start trying to prepare myself emotionally for the toll this is going to take because I’m pretty sure I will be a terrible mime (I’ve never gone even an hour without talking) but what else is out there for a down-and-out comedy blog writer? Have I lost my comedy blog mojo forever? And then I start crying and singing “Oh where, oh where has my mojo gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? With his laughs real long and his wit real sharp, oh where, oh where can he be? ” And then I offend myself because why does my blog mojo have to be a “he” my mojo is so clearly a “she” and how very sexist of me to sing otherwise.

So, as you can tell, there is a lot going on in my head today. And most of it is nonsensical. Which, isn’t unusual. Nevertheless, I grab a mirror, look myself in the eye, and say “Girl on the Contrary, you are clever, witty, hilarious, and gosh darn it, people like you.” (There are a lot of SNL references today…) And I just need to get my shiz together. And then I slap myself in the face for dramatic effect.

And then all of a sudden my mojo is back and I have like a ton of ideas for blogs and I take a deep breath and start typing. And also, I got my picture for this blog off an erectile dysfunction website which is hysterical so I think I’m going to be just fine.

The BBC Is Trying To Kill Me

Posted on September 20, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

This was the headline that greeted me Friday morning. My heart literally stopped. It just froze in my chest. I had to stick my finger in an electrical socket to re-start it. Aliens??? My worst fears realized. And they cost the EU billions??? Gasp. Shudder. Scream. How could this be happening? Why haven’t I heard of it earlier? What if aliens have already taken over the bodies of people in the US ( no jokes here please because I know what you are all thinking….) and I am the only one left with control over their own mind? Is that why I haven’t heard about this before? A US alien conspiracy to hide the truth that they have already taken over and are costing us billions? So many questions!

Scared to death though I was, I continued to read on. At least I would finally know the truth. The truth ended up being that the BBC was just trying to kill me. What they meant when they said “alien invasion” was “animals not native to Europe invasion”. The entire article was about non-native animals that damage the eco-systems of Europe and cost the EU billions. And I’m very sorry about that, but what I am most upset about right now is the fact that the BBC is clearly trying to kill me. They obviously read my blog on my fear of dinosaurs and aliens and completely hated it and hated me and decided the best way to proceed would be to kill me so I wouldn’t write any more blogs. Sheesh. All because I wrote a blog post you didn’t like? That seems really petty BBC. Your murder plan almost worked- my heart did stop for a minute but luckily I had the presence of mind to stick my finger in an electrical socket thereby creating a surrogate defibrillator. Bet you didn’t count on my cleverness and ingenuity in a crisis. I hope you learned your lesson. Headlines might scare me but they won’t kill me. Probably. As long as there is an electrical socket nearby.

I would like to thank you for one thing though. Thanks to you, I now know I would probably survive an actual alien invasion because I can handle myself in a crisis. Sure, I will be scared. Sure, my heart might stop temporarily. But ultimately my cleverness and ingenuity will keep me alive to fight another day. I bet the aliens will underestimate me just like you did BBC, but boy will they be in for a surprise when I triumph over them just like I triumphed over your little murder scheme. I’m thinking that headline will read something like this…

CLEVER GIRL USES INGENUITY TO DEFEAT ALIENS AND SAVE THE PLANET

by: Girl on the Contrary (because I’m the only human left)

Reporter for BBC News, New York Times, and Austin American Statesman

And yes, I know the definition of “alien” is foreign or unlike one’s own and that you technically used it properly but I think we all know why you used that particular headline and it wasn’t for language’s sake. It was to murder me. Because you knew I would think you meant actual aliens. And you know something else? I bet I wasn’t the only one who jumped to that conclusion. Cheap journalism BBC. I bet there is still someone living in their basement listening to the wireless for signs of life above. This was very Orson Welles of you.

However, since I have been a very loyal reader and listener for years now I believe I can forgive you and put this incident behind us. It will be difficult but I think our relationship will survive this trial. Just don’t try to kill me again, ok?

Flirtation Failure: The Series II

Posted on September 16, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Since this seemed to be a popular post I decided to make it a monthly series. Basically, I’m going to be chronicling my failed attempts at flirting. In the interest of not being a flirting failure anymore I am sincerely going to try to flirt. My days of hiding in the utility closet are over- probably. I mean, I can’t promise anything- my flirtation skills are nonexistent so this will probably take a lot of time. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my humiliation- I fully expect for hilarity to ensue.

I had a meeting with a really hot guy last month, which is basically my worst nightmare realized. I was not prepared in the least to have to represent myself to someone as hot as him. So my heart stopped for about 2 seconds and then I said to myself “Hey self! Pull it together. You MUST SPEAK NOW.” So, I said hello which I am chalking up as a major victory. I even made eye contact. Then he started talking to me and being really nice and smiling and I was like- hey man, if we are going to be able to talk to one another you are really going to need to become a douche bag immediately. Because I really can’t talk to a hot guy who is also nice. He didn’t become a douche bag though so basically I just had to screw up my courage and talk. Even though what we were talking about was not in any way flirtatious the fact that I was able to speak at all should definitely count as a win. Anyway, someone later told me he actually is a douche bag.

I went to Starbucks on a break from work and ordered my usual non-fat chai. I was waiting patiently for my delicious chai when I heard them call a name that isn’t mine. Then they called it again. And again. Apparently the person who took my order wrote my name down wrong. When I approached the counter to inquire if it was my name they should have been calling I realized the guy at the counter was incredibly good looking. Gulp. Panic took over but I really wanted my chai so I spoke up and asked him if it was me they were actually trying to call. He apologized and made some sort of cute remark to which I replied “No worries, it happens.” which I think was a stellar response. And I was smiling. But I was also looking directly at my coffee the whole time so I think we should call this one a draw.

Cute guy at my office. We are walking towards the same door. So, of course, I hurry up my walk , say “Excuse me” when I cut him off, and get the hell out of there. This one seems like a fail.

I saw a really attractive fellow walking towards me in a parking garage. Immediately my eyes became glued to the pavement. Typical. I mean, this probably wasn’t a chance to flirt but I could have at least smiled. Actually, I couldn’t have smiled. A normal person could have at least smiled. Not me, it was pretty much ordained by fate that my eyes would be glued to the pavement without a smile for miles. Alas.

So, for the last month I have 1 victory (remember I count it as a victory if I am able to speak, smile, and look at them in the eyes), 1 draw, and 2 losses. So, not great. Also, not really flirting but it’s all about baby steps people.

Sometimes, I Don’t Have Anything Funny to Say

Posted on September 15, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

You know, there are very few times in life when I haven’t had something funny to say. When those rare times come around though, I like to think back on some of the things people have said to me, or things I have heard, or things I myself have said that are humorous and hope it relights the funny fire in me. It’s only Wednesday and this week has already become a giant suckfest. So, in order to try and see the bright side, and to revel a bit in happier times, I have compiled a list (actually it was all in an old journal so I guess it would be more fair to say a past version of me compiled this list a few years ago) I hope you get a laugh out of some of these quotes.

“Looks are 98% of everything.”

I’m not sure what the other 2% is but I think it’s probably gumption.

“Drinking makes us more inclined to recommend ourselves to strangers”

My freshman philosophy professor said this to me. Nietzsche just couldn’t compare.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but….your Mom is a slut!”

I don’t know who said this or how it made its way into my quotes journal. If it was me then I’m somehow proud. If it was someone else, then I’m somehow offended.

“Great, you killed me and now I have nothing to live for.”

My sister brings me joy.

“Why is a Backstreet Boys song applying to my life?? Is it time to kill myself already?”

This one is all me. And it was like they had been watching my life and then wrote a song about it. Of course, the song came out before it applied to my life….maybe they have a time machine. Those boy band guys did make a lot of money; I bet they could totally afford a time machine.

“Ah, the sun. Nature’s prozac.”

Another one of mine. Although I’m pretty sure I have heard my Mom say this as well. I should probably copyright some of this stuff.

“That is so unparallel, it’s perpendicular.”

I didn’t say this. I wish I had. But I’m not really that good at math.

“Oh! So you want to play Scientist? Why don’t you just ring a bell and see if I salivate all over myself?”

Courtesy of my Dad, a real-life scientist.

“Me- That guy looks weird.

My Sister- Uh, rude! He’s Canadian.

Me- What?”

This happened. I don’t know what else to say about it.

“I don’t know what to say so I’ll just say what’s in my heart…baboom, baboom, baboom.”

My favorite quote of all time delivered by one Mr. Mel Brooks.

“Stripper poles and male strippers. What’s not retirement about that?”

I love senior adults.

“Way to bitch up the conversation Helen.”

Rev. Lovejoy on the Simpsons. It never fails to make me laugh.

And of course, the quote I need to focus on the most this week, and the one I try to live my life by- “The most wasted of all days, is one without laughter.” E.E. Cummings.

I hope you laughed today.

I Think My Subconscious is Screwing With Me.

Posted on September 14, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I have been having some very disturbing and bizarre dreams as of late. Which begs the question, is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Because if it is, then I’m not really receiving the message.

I had several- let me repeat- several dreams about high school a couple of nights ago. Which I find extraordinarily disturbing. I can’t figure what is happening in my subconscious right now. Am I supposed to have learned something from these dreams? Was there a hidden relevance that I’ve missed? It’s not that I didn’t like high school- on the contrary, I had a really decent experience. A lot better than most people I talk to. But why am I dreaming about it? I’m one of those people who doesn’t really think to much on previous phases of their life. I mean, I might think back on lessons I learned from certain experiences or reminisce about funny things that happened, but for the most part once a certain phase of my life is over- it’s over. I don’t want to go back. One of the weirdest parts of these dreams is that my first boyfriend is featuring prominently in them. Why? I have no idea. That was over a decade ago. Why is my subconscious doing this to me? It’s making me uncomfortable.

The worst dream happened Saturday night. I dreamt that space aliens (and you know how I love those) posing as people had tricked hundreds of my friends and I into getting on a school bus and riding into outer space with them. Luckily, I figured out their evil plan (it had something to do with using us as science projects) and tried to get all my friends to get off the bus. None of my friends would budge. One of my best friends wouldn’t even get off the bus when I told her if she went she would miss the Deathly Hallows movies. She wouldn’t come! And she loves Harry Potter! I was fully dismayed. Then, in order not to be caught by the space aliens I fled into this train station like place and hid in the bathroom where one of the girls from Teen Mom handed me a phone to call my family. For some reason I called my Aunt first and she actually wanted me to go with the aliens! I was gutted. Then I called my Mom and she was shockingly nonchalant. It was very traumatic. Then I woke up. What could this mean?

I think maybe I broke my subconscious somehow. I’m not sure what did it but it does seem to be malfunctioning because these dreams are so random and bizarre. Unless it isn’t broken. Maybe it’s just screwing with me. Like, it gets bored and when I’m sleeping is the only time it ever has anything important to do so it’s just really living it up dream-wise and trying to screw with my non-sleeping hours too. What a mischievous subconscious I have. And if it is my subconscious just screwing around with me then it’s working. I’m feeling very confused. Should I join a bus full of space aliens or go back to high school? I just don’t know. Maybe my subconscious will be more clear tonight.

That Mango is Fresh

Posted on September 13, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

So, it seems that I have developed a bad habit of verbalizing my constant and ever-flowing stream of consciousness into my conversations with people. I’m pretty sure that while sometimes this can be funny mostly it is annoying. Please accept this blog post as an apology (the title of this post should make it clear to those whom I am apologizing to).

So, in an effort to be less annoying in conversation I thought I might get a little of my typical stream of consciousness out in this blog. You are welcome, or, I sincerely apologize, depending on how you feel. Also, my stream of consciousness is more like the river Nile than a stream. You’ve been warned.

Welcome to my consciousness. There might be crocodiles.

The following is an approximation of the thoughts I was having when I went to dinner with my dear friends last Friday and ate some really fresh mango.

They really look pretty tonight. I wonder if she made that dress or bought it. She is so good at sewing. Should I sew? Can I sew? Do I have the attention span needed to sew? I wonder if I have ADD. Probably not. I might have had more trouble in school if I had it. Is there late-onset ADD? Because I might have that. I wonder how many people go without being diagnosed with diseases they actually have? I bet lots. Lots and lots of sick people who don’t know it. That would be awful. I hope I don’t have a disease I don’t know about. Oh great, now I sound like my Grammy. What did she just say? I’m going to need to take a bite of her dessert. This dinner was so good. I could die happy with a meal like this. I don’t really want to die though. Just a thought. Why did I qualify it was “just a thought” to myself? I know it’s a thought I freaking thought it. Something is definitely wrong with my brain. Yum, this mango is really fresh. Oops, I just said “that mango is really fresh” out loud and interrupted her story. I’m a jerk. You know who else is a jerk? That guy I saw texting and driving on the way here. Way to put other people in danger douche bag. I can’t believe I got lost on the way here- I’ve been here before. I am getting really sick of my directionally challenged ways. Also, why do I only have a hard time getting around the USA? I never once have gotten lost in East Africa or Europe. Ok, there was that 1 time in Ireland I apparently got on the wrong bus. Although I still think it was the right bus and I should have just asked but I was too humiliated and then I just ended up getting off in some neighborhood and walking around like I knew where I was going. Then I found a cab and just barely had enough money for him to take me to my hotel. I’m so embarrassed. Man, the Chinese food at that hotel was amazing though. I haven’t had Chinese food in a while. This place is probably some of the best Mexican food I have ever had. I’m glad she picked this place. I should come here more often. There was a Hey Cupcake on the way here, I should stop by there later. Those cupcakes are so delicious. I wonder how early they have to get up? I dread waking up early. It’s not that I sleep late, I just don’t like having to get up. I should start working out more though. I miss my daily yoga. Why did I stop? I wonder if it would help my mood at work? Maybe I should try that. I’m so glad it’s a long weekend. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lay around and watch trashy television and write blog posts. Do I have enough blog ideas for next week? I don’t want to have a bad week, my stats have dropped enough as it is. I hope people aren’t getting bored with my writing. I really need to focus on my book. How am I ever going to get published if I don’t finish it? I’m a failure. No, I’m not a failure, think positive. Ok, time to pay the check.

This is only about a quarter of the things I thought. And I was having a conversation the whole time (although admittedly it was punctuated by some of these thoughts on accident). I would say this is a pretty impressive feat of multi-tasking. Only, I wasn’t really getting anything done.

Sorry to my two beautiful friends! I will really try not to let this happen again. But it might.

Pet Peeve Day 2.0

Posted on September 10, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

Remember when I started monthly pet peeve day? And then promptly forgot all about it? Well welcome to Pet Peeve Day 2.0!!! It’s new, it’s improved, and it’s way more peeved!!!! ( I can hear all the cheering and vuvuzelas blasting).

She must have just seen someone texting and driving.

Historical Inaccuracies.

I realize this is probably unique to me and a handful of Historians but it drives me mad nonetheless. I hate it in books, movies, references, and costumes. I mean, how difficult is it to check your facts? Answer, it isn’t difficult at all. Just check your facts. That is all I ask. Also, if you don’t check your facts fully expect me to walk out of your movie, throw your book away, be a jerk if you misuse a reference, and probably not say anything at all to you if your costume is inaccurate because, hey, you’re in costume, I can give you a break.

Texting while Driving.

Seriously? No one, let me repeat, no one, can do this successfully. Sure, maybe once or twice you get by with it but eventually you are going to hurt yourself or someone else by doing this. So, DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE. Also, I got hit by a 17 year-old Avril Lavigne look-alike last week and you want to know why she hit my car even though I was honking at her to stop? Because she was texting and driving and couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to the fact that her CAR WAS ABOUT TO T-BONE MINE. Luckily, no one was hurt but I gave her a pretty stern lecture. This is just stupid. Plus, Oprah doesn’t like it either.

Saying Irregardless Instead of Regardless.

The added ir does not make you fancier. It only makes you look foolish.

Che Guevara T-Shirts.

Do you even know what he stood for? And you’re buying (i.e. supporting capitalism) a t-shirt with his face on it? Are you not seeing the conflict here? No? You don’t even know who is on your shirt do you? I thought not. This sort of ties in to the historical inaccuracy pet peeve but I thought it deserved to be singled out.

Being Called “Missy”

I am a grown-up. This is an unacceptable form of referring to me. Unless you’re my Mother because she pretty much has the right to call me whatever she wants. Even so, I don’t think I have ever heard her call me “missy”. So, really, don’t call me that. Don’t say “Do you have a second missy?” because no, I don’t, not if you keep calling me missy. This would only be acceptable if my name was actually Missy- but it’s not. So don’t call me that.

When People Refer to Themselves as “Go-Getters”

I have no support for this, it just annoys me.

Skinny Celebrities Who Say They Don’t Try to Be Thin.

Yes, you do. I can tell by your eyes that you are very hungry. It is almost physically impossible for you to be that size and to eat lots of fast food (as you claim you do) and not spend 24 hours a day in the gym. You try. You try really hard, and that’s ok, just be honest about it. You are really screwing with everyone else’s head.

Skinny Celebrities Who Say They Hardly Eat Anything and Are Always Hungry.

What? I don’t want to know the truth! I want to believe that some day I will wake up and look just like you without ever trying. Don’t tell me you’re hungry. I don’t want to accept that. (And yes, I know this is completely contradicting the pet peeve before this one but hello, I’m a Girl on the Contrary- emphasis on contrary. I can feel a lot of opposing things at the same time, it’s a gift.)

Seeing that Someone Has Un-Subscribed to my Blog.

Ouch. That hurts. First I feel sad, and then I feel peeved because- listen all my posts have the same voice and you knew what you were getting into- there shouldn’t have been any surprises and if you un-subscribed just because you didn’t like one post then hey I don’t need you anyway. But please come back. And re-subscribe.

Feel free to share your pet peeves! I feel like this Friday is really a “get all your frustrations out” kind of Friday.

Dinosaurs Scare Me. So Do Aliens.

Posted on September 8, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

I'm going to kill you!!! RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR.

Listen, I know it doesn’t make sense. I know that it is ridiculous. I know that dinosaurs are extinct. I’m still scared. I find them to be very frightening and evil creatures- even the nice plant eating ones. I think it all boils down to seeing Jurassic Park at too young an age. That was not smart. To this day I can’t watch that entire movie. I’ve tried. I always have to run away at the part where that little cute looking dinosaur spits poison in that guy’s face and then eats him. I have nightmares about it. Also, raptors are scary intelligent- they hunt you because they like the way people taste, and I don’t care how embarrassing that is, it scares me to death. I don’t even like watching the Discovery channel shows that talk about dinosaurs. Really, this is all Steven Spielbergs fault. Probably. Unless I was just born with this fear but didn’t realize I had it until I saw Jurassic Park. I mean, dinosaurs don’t exist anymore- I have nothing to fear. Right? But what if someone really is trying to use old mosquitos to bring dinosaurs back? And then we all have to fight to survive because they take over the world. That’s pretty terrifying. You should be terrified. Maybe I’m the only one thinking clearly here.

You should be afraid of this!

Also, I think aliens are scary. For this I blame the movie Signs. I don’t remember ever fearing aliens before this movie so it must be at fault. And yes, I know everyone tells me that this movie is not that good, and that really I should be more afraid of Mel Gibson, and logically I see that but the aliens in that movie scare me to death. And then I saw War of the Worlds and I know I should be more afraid of Tom Cruise than those aliens but they are scary. They wanted to harvest us and drink our blood and not in the sexy vampire way, it was more in the yum yum blood is good for aliens to eat and they wanted to kill all the babies and old people and does no one else see why this is scary??? Am I alone in this? And, if I am all alone in this, I’m sure that’s what the aliens want because then no one takes me seriously and it’s all the more easy for them to come to earth and DRINK OUR BLOOD. I’m just saying. And yes, they might not even exist but no one knows for sure so I think it’s best if we are all on our guard. This is serious.

The bizarre nature of my fears is not lost on me. You should know that the logical and rarely listened to part of my brain knows these fears are very silly. Unfortunately for the logical side of my brain, the imaginative and far louder side of my brain usually wins these battles. Also, if I really think about it, the lesson in all of this is I probably shouldn’t be allowed to watch movies because they seem to be the common denominator here. But, I’ll probably keep seeing them and adding to my list of irrational and absurd fears. Like maybe I’ll be afraid of pirates soon, except they still exist. Oh my gosh. Pirates still exist, only now instead of swords they use machine guns. Ok- I am officially scared of pirates. I think I should stop thinking now……

I Need A Magic Eraser For My Brain.

Posted on September 7, 2010 by girlonthecontrary

My eraser would be purple.

There will always be that one guy. That one guy who means more to you than all the others. Maybe you dated him, maybe you were just friends, but there is that guy (or girl depending on who is reading this).

This post is NOT about that guy. It’s about the need in this world for some type of brain eraser. Like, you could just rub out the bits that are unpleasant or hurty. And I know that they made a movie like that called “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” but this is a totally different idea. Also, it has nothing to do with that guy. Nothing at all. Really. I promise.

The magic brain eraser I’m imagining could be used for lots of things. Like, sure it helps you forget what you wish you could forget but it also could clean your kitchen. And it never gets dirty. And it’s purple. I mean, if you wanted to use it to erase that guy form your brain then that would be ok- that’s what the magic brain eraser does but it’s not all about that.

That night you got really drunk and did something beyond humiliating? Magic brain erase it away. Sure, your friends will still remember and laugh about it but you won’t have to endure the pain of knowing what they are talking about.

That time your beloved fish died after you only had him 2 days because you don’t really know how to take care of pets? Erase it. I mean, the pet shop might stop letting you buy fish and you won’t be able to figure out why but I’m pretty sure you will be really happy.

That time you burped accidently at a lunch with your crush. Erase that and quickly. You will be much better off.

That huge fight you had with someone you love. Magic brain erase it. I mean, I can’t promise that person will start talking to you again but at least you won’t know why and then it’s like -hey they just stopped talking to you for no reason, so they’re the jerks.

I’m going to be honest with you guys. This post might be just a little bit about that guy. And even if I could I probably wouldn’t erase him, although I probably should. Also, I would really like to forget that thing about me killing my fish, because that happened and it really hurts. Anyone else need a magic brain eraser? Remember it would be purple…..

Also, this song perfectly fits my feelings about this: Hurricane Drunk

Also, you should just listen to Florence and the Machine.

Girl on the Contrary

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