Up Yours, One-Uppers!

You know them. You loathe them. We all do.

They are the One-Uppers. They are those that always have a better story, a worse sickness, a better car, a better haircut, a harder work assignment, a sexier lover, a whatever it takes to one-up whatever it is you have. They suck. Not because you suspect they are liars and not because they are constantly trying to outdo you but because they are annoying as hell. And why are they annoying? Because they are most likely liars and they are always trying to outdo you. It’s a vicious cycle. But you can’t avoid them because THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Which has led me to believe that they are aliens that are slowly but surely invading our planet and posing as humans in order to vanquish the human species through sheer annoyance. ALIENS.

Well I got you figured out you stupid aliens. And I’m not going down without a fight. I declare WAR on you One-Uppers (I assume the name of your home planet is Oneupperus). That’s right. WAR. But it’s going down non-violently. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of unleashing a large can of whoop-ass on you (because I assume, given your record, that you have a keg of whoop-ass which would be much larger than my can). I plan on doing this the Contrary way. By making you laugh so hard you pee yourselves and then are shamed (you know, because you peed yourself) into leaving this planet. Also- when you bait me with your one-uppityness I will not get annoyed, I will merely give you a look of pity because, hey alien, I see your game for what it is. I’m no fool. And don’t think I’m not going to “out” you to the world. Every single time you try to play the one-up card, I am going to respond by saying “Are you an alien?” BOOM. I just rocked your world. Now you are going to have to flee back to Oneupperus because I got everyone thinking about how you probably are an alien. BOOM BOOM. Look at me dropping truth bombs on you. In. Your. Faces. (Plural because I’m pretty sure you have more than one face…….WAIT……..are you in cahoots with the two-faces? Awww man- this war just got all kinds of inter-galactic)

In conclusion, you have been found out. And because my war on you isn’t violent, but I will still be saving my beloved planet Earth, I’m pretty sure I’m going to get like 100 Nobel Peace Prizes. Also, I’m going to write a book about our war and then I will win a Nobel Prize for Literature. One-up that suckas!!!!

That Mirror I Was Dancing In?? Yeah, It Was A Window.

This is a true story. I don’t know why I felt the need to preface it as a true story, I just did. You really won’t have any trouble believing this of me at all. In fact, if anything, you will be surprised it hasn’t happened before this. So it goes.

Now, we have already established that I know I’m not invisible in my car. I don’t care if people see me dancing/driving anymore. I got over that embarrassment real quick. Now I take pleasure in knowing that someone’s day was probably made at least a little bit more joyful by seeing me dance in my car. You can’t help but laugh and I was born to make people laugh even at the cost of complete humiliation to myself. If someone gets a good laugh out of it I couldn’t care less if the experience was beyond humiliating to me. I truly am saint-like in that respect.

Anyway, I was in my car and driving/dancing my heart out to Swedish House Mafia (if you like House music at all and don’t know who they are then shame on you. Shame I say!), when I pulled up to my office building. I usually park in the parking garage because that’s where people who work in the building are supposed to park but the oh-so-close to the door visitors parking was just too inviting. I’ll admit it, I parked there. When it comes to close parking, I am no saint. Anyway, the outside of the building is made completely of windows. Windows that look like mirrors from the outside. I know that they are windows. Really, I do. Except, today I forgot that. Today, I felt really sure they were mirrors. And when I pulled up to those mirrors and saw myself dancing in them I couldn’t help but bust a wicked move. And just when I was savoring my frivolity the most, I remembered that those “mirrors” were really windows, and that behind those windows was an office full of people getting the laugh of their lifetime at my dancing. Serves me right for parking in a visitor spot. And though I was extremely embarrassed, I had to take comfort in my life motto which is “Make ‘em laugh.” which I am very very sure I did. You’re welcome office full of people who would have had terrible days if not for me.

On the positive side, every time I look in a mirror I will be reminded of this and probably start laughing. Which might make people around me think that I have really low self-esteem but actually it will just be because I find myself hilarious. Or maybe people will think I’m insane and that will probably make me laugh harder which will make them think I’m really insane. Now that I think about it, nothing bad can come from this experience. But I will definitely park in the garage tomorrow.

I Need A Sarcasm Tag

Sarcasm

And it’s not just me. I think the world needs a sarcasm tag. Because some people, like myself, have gotten so good at sarcasm that people are having a difficult time recognizing whether or not we are being sarcastic.

Take for instance, this post, in no way were my feelings hurt by those comments. On the contrary, I thought it was hilarious. And yet, a lot of people took to defending me (which actually made me feel really good) and criticizing my friend (which made me feel bad) who I then had to apologize to because the whole thing was meant to be funny but it clearly didn’t translate well in writing. I felt terrible about it. Well, not terrible. Actually, I thought it was funny- just like his comments about me being a hopeless pitiful discount prostitute. (On another note, that post generated like, a lot of traffic….I wonder why…..) Also, the t-shirts with the phrase “discount prostitute” are forthcoming. There was a surprisingly high demand.

The point is that if I had some sort of tag for sarcasm/humor then this whole episode could have been avoided. And lately it seems that a lot of people are following my comments up with “Is that sarcasm?” and I’m like “Uh no. I’m never sarcastic.” and then they’re all “Is that sarcasm too?” and I’m all “We could do this all day and I’m busy so yes, yes that was sarcasm.” But is it effective sarcasm if I have to label it as sarcastic? I don’t know.

And yet… when you are a writer/blogger I think it might be more effective to have a sarcasm/humor tag because some people read things so literally. Not everyone is jaded by sarcasm like I am. Not everyone has such an excellent sense of humor. In fact, I might be doing the world a favor by creating a sarcasm tag because then everyone can laugh in derision with me. Or just laugh. We need more laughter. Yes, I think a sarcasm/humor tag for writing could be very beneficial to the world. I wonder if I will get a Nobel Prize for this? Maybe even two. One for literature and one for peace. Yes, that sounds about right.

What are your thoughts on a sarcasm/humor tag for blogging and writing? Also, and more importantly, what are your thoughts on me winning two Nobel Prizes? I mean, aside from jealousy.

For Real Things I Have Recently Googled. This Is Not A Joke.

Google Giant

I shouldn't be allowed to Google.

1. Is there a Subway sandwich in Africa? I don’t even remember why I did this. I just know I did. Also, there is a Subway sandwich in Africa. In fact, South Africa has 13 of them. I bet this is a Jeopardy question. If anyone who reads this blog wins Jeopardy off of this question then I get half of whatever you win. It’s only right.

2. Best pumpkin desserts. Who wouldn’t want to know this?

3. Mumford and Sons Stubbs Austin. Tragically, all of the tickets are sold out. My heart breaks.

4. Can you add Google Alerts to your Google Alerts? The answer is yes. And just so you know, when I googled this, a wormhole was created. The universe is probably doomed. Sorry.

5. Plague symptoms. I was pretty sure I had it. Science was in my favor- all the symptoms I had pointed to plague. Sure, the symptoms I didn’t have pointed not to plague but I like to always focus on the positive. Long story short, the Plague and an ear and sinus infection can be easily confused. Seriously. It could have happened to anyone.

6. Fear of dinosaurs. Also known as Ornithoscelidaphobia. Yep. It’s a real thing and I’m not the only one who has it. In fact, loads of people have it. It’s completely normal. Really. It’s normal. Why are you looking at me like that?

7. What is a boysenberry? I knew it was a berry but I had no idea what it looked like. Also, as it turns out, it’s a hybrid berry, so it must be good for the environment.

8. What should my rap name be? I have mad rapping skills. So, I decided I needed a good name in order to release an album. Here are the options I was given: GC Deja Glide, GC Baddie Kid, Tiny Rhythm Girl,  Girl C-Note Face, Serious Fresh Girl, Girl C Trixx, GC Triple Tripp, and Young G. I think I will probably go with GC Baddie Kidd or Girl C-Note Face. What do you think? The only one I hate is Tiny Rhythm Girl because you know my rhythms are anything but tiny! Holla.

9. Black snakes in Texas. Because there was one in my garage yesterday. True story. And I don’t live in the country. I live in a city. And yet, somehow, there was a black snake in my garage yesterday. No word yet on whether or not it’s poisonous. I bet it is.

I could have put 10 things but I didn’t want to be cliche. Lists with 10 things are so dull. What have you been Googling lately? (Keep the porn to yourself)

Flirtation Failure: The Series III

Flirt Magazine

I couldn't pull this off. True Story.

So, here we are again. Chronicling my failed attempts at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Cute Guy At Starbucks. I maybe stalked this guy a little bit. Not in the scary, collect his hair and make a doll out of it kind of way, but more in the I just went to Starbucks every day kind of way. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks everyday to see him and spend ridiculous amounts of money on only ok coffee, it turns out he doesn’t like girls. End of story. I am, however, counting this as a victory because I managed to work up enough courage to go there and see him everyday- usually I would avoid places with hot guys because of my hot guy phobia. I overcame a fear here people. Kudos to me.

Picture it: Sunday lunch with my parents and we are being served by a hot somehow French waiter. I actually got to the restaurant before my parents did. He approaches the table and I’m thinking “Hold it together girl, be nice, smile, make eye contact.  Get your game face on!  You can do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I would like to drink. I order a very sexy iced tea. And then I smile while making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles back while making eye contact. I freeze and quickly look down. Ok, minor points deducted but the game isn’t over yet. My parents arrive. Usually, I would take this opportunity to hide behind my conversations with them in order to not have to look at or speak to a hot waiter. Not this time. This time, I keep smiling. I keep making eye contact. I basically dominated the flirting baby-steps. Sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or arranged anything coming even close to resembling a date- but I dominated the baby-steps people! If this were a flirting class I would have gotten a D+ instead of an F. I consider that a victory. Huzzah!

Cute guy passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He comes to the door and ask for me by name. Sure, I wasn’t there at the time. Sure, he was only reading my name off a list because I had supported this candidate in the past. Sure, I couldn’t actually have flirted with him since, you know, I wasn’t even there. But I still consider this a win. Had I been there, I’m pretty sure I would have dominated this flirting situation because we would  have been talking about politics which is an area I happen to have quite a bit of confidence in. This flirting situation was made for me. If only I had actually been there.

Overall, I think I did somehow ok this last month in the flirting department. My focus this month will be mastering the baby-steps and then trying to figure out what comes after the baby-steps. Suggestions are always welcome.

Oh yeah! I also created a pretty accurate test to tell if a guy and I are compatible. It is as follows.

Cute Guy: So, are you dating anyone?

Me: No, the only guy in my life at the moment is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he gets the reference and also likes Kurt Vonnegut then we are compatible. If he gets the reference but hasn’t ever read Kurt Vonnegut then we might be compatible. If he get the reference but doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we probably aren’t compatible. If he doesn’t get the reference at all then I will just walk away. No way can I date a guy who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

Girl On The Contrary And The Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

There is exactly one month until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 is released. To say that I’m thrilled is an understatement. I would have to classify my excitement for this event in the unhealthy and vaguely inappropriate  category. Why? Two reasons.

1. Should an adult be this excited about a childrens/young adult movie? Am I a total creepster for being so invested? I worry about this sometimes. Even though I have read all the books (like a dozen times) I still feel somehow completely out-of-place when I go see the movies because I feel like any normal and healthy person my age is on a date, or clubbing, or like, creating a social network. Shouldn’t I be doing something more age appropriate? But then I think, wait a minute, books 4-7 are progressively darker and more adult- am I the one out of place or is it the 10 years olds that should be somewhere else? And then I think, why does anyone have to be out-of-place? But let’s be honest, someone here is out-of-place and I’m a little worried that it’s me.

2. I always get excited about the movies. Always. And I’m always kind of disappointed in them. They always seem to leave out  one of my favorite parts of the books- or even leave out entire chunks of the books. And I really like accuracy in movies based on books. And I know, in the interest of time, things have to be left out, I do know that. I just always feel a bit disgruntled about it. And isn’t the definition of insanity repeating the same behaviors over and over expecting a different result? Right here we have proof positive that I am insane. I keep getting really excited about the movies and each time I’m sure they will be more like the books and then they aren’t. But I really think Deathly Hallows will be like the books because they split it into two movies and that makes me think they are spending a lot more time in keeping it true to the book. See? I am insane.

Insane or not, I am still head to toes thrilled for this movie to come out. Any movies coming out that you guys are excited about? And feel free to use this post as a Harry Potter discussion- because I can never get enough of that. Oh man, I just realized that Harry Potter is my Dungeons and Dragons. Is that why I don’t have a boyfriend? It totally is. Hmmm. Self-examining leads to really unhappy conclusions.

Sick Sicky Sickyer

I’m sick. I might be wrong but I’m about 80% sure it’s the plague. The thing in my head that does my thinking is very mad at me and won’t let me do any of that thinking. What a jerk. So, since I can’t seem to form coherent thoughts that don’t have something to do with NyQuil I thought I would post a list of movies I like to watch when I’m sick that I’m pretty sure do as much as the medicine does to heal me.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This one is especially important to me now that I have the plague.

Alice in Wonderland. The Disney version. The copious amounts of medication make it even better.

Tammy and the Doctor. Oh, Sandra Dee. You make life seem so dreamy.

Gigi. Singing+French+Coming of Age story= help sick people heal.

The Lion King. The circle of life helps me accept my impending death by plague.

If you are sick, these movies will help you through it. Probably. When I say that I am making some assumptions about your taste in movies. Anyway, if I don’t post tomorrow it probably means the plague won. If that happens please tell everyone my last words were “So long, world. It was nice while it lasted, except when it wasn’t. You could be a real jerk sometimes. But overall I would say we had a pretty good run.” (Note: my real last words will probably be more like “Seriously? The plague?”)

True Friends Help You Stalk That Guy At Starbucks

starbucks love

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taught the lesson of pure and true friendship. The kind of friendship you only find once in a lifetime. Want to know the key to this type of friendship? It’s helping your friends stalk their crushes at Starbucks. And it’s a beautiful thing.

You see, there is this super cute guy who works at the Starbucks I frequent (think Ryan Gosling when he has a beard in The Notebook). And, as I think I mentioned, I think this guy is a grade-A cutie-pie. I’m pretty sure he would write me poems and say really offbeat but endearing things to me. I’m pretty sure he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His favorite food is definitely Thai. We should be together. Alas, I don’t know if any of these things are actually true. All I know is that he works at the Starbucks I go to- oh, and did I mention he is lovely to look at??? But that’s it. That’s all I know, the rest is just educated guessing and nonsense. I mentioned this silly crush to a couple of friends at work and then they did the most shockingly wonderful thing friends can do- they offered to help me stalk him.

Although, to be fair, they didn’t actually offer to help me “stalk” him. They offered to help me learn to flirt better and to go with me to Starbucks every day after lunch for moral support. They have literally made me practice eye contact, they offer advice and encouragement, and they also tease me about my flirtation failings which might seem mean but is exactly what I need. Oh, and they have totally spent like $30 bucks on coffee in order to support me. This is what friendship looks like people.

Unfortunately, as I probably could have predicted, I’m still a flirtation failure. Without going into specifics (because they are just too gory for blogging), I have failed again and again at my mission. (By the way, my mission was to have a non-coffee related verbal exchange with eye-contact) These poor friends of mine have really tried and I’m sure their advice would have been incredibly useful for anyone who isn’t me. Fluttering eyelashes? When I try that, I look like I might be having a seizure. Coquettish smile? Yeah right. Hair flip? I promise you, if I tried I would break my neck. What I’m trying to say is this guy has most definitely not noticed me. Or actually, he has noticed me, but could not possibly be less interested. And I leave Starbucks everyday more and more depressed and rejected. Facing your failures is not the joyous experience one might think it would be. Go figure.

And anyway, I totally saw him smoking and that is a major dealbreaker. So really, I’m rejecting him. In the most pathetic and demoralizing way possible. I’m sure he’s gutted.

The silver lining here is that I realized I have some really stellar friends who will totally help me stalk my next crush. And really, what more could one ask for? Not many people get support from their friends in their stalking endeavors. So thanks you guys!! Thanks for being such marvelous friends and thanks for not giving up on me even when my eyelash flutters look like seizures.

Most Romantic Moment Involving A Segway Ever.

Security Guard on a Segway

Is there anything more glorious?

I was witness to one of the most romantic moments involving a segway ever. As I was walking out of the office I saw a couple making-out in the middle of the sidewalk , usually, this annoys me and makes me want to run at them screaming obscenities. However, today was different. Today, not only did I witness a couple making-out, I witnessed a couple making-out while a Hoobastank song was playing. Not just any Hoobastank song- it was The Reason. Now, I’m no expert on romance but I’m pretty sure this qualifies as romantic. Sidewalk+Hoobastank= Making-Out. This is a classic romantic equation. Just when I was pondering on the moment and how I might have stumbled into an alternate universe where every moment is like the end of a romantic movie and also hoping I would run into Ryan Gosling or Jake Gyllenhaal and that they would say something like “You’re the one, Girl on the Contrary. I was too stupid to realize it before but I know it now and I want to be with you.” and then I would be like ” You had me at “you’re”.” And then we would start making-out to Hoobastank- ok….I might have gotten a little lost in the daydream. Back to reality. Just when I was pondering on how romantic this moment was (for the couple making-out) a security guard on a SEGWAY zoomed past them at full speed. And that’s when I realized that the universe loves me and wants me to be happy. The startled couple broke their embrace and moved on but I will never forget the moment a segway made me feel like the universe was conspiring to bring joy to my life. Thank you universe.

The Internet Is Not An Oracle

Fortune Teller

This is not what the internet does.

I realized the other day that I’ve been using the internet as some sort of oracle. Googling questions like “What will I eat for dinner?”, “What is going to happen on Glee?”, “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”, and “Am I going to be abducted by aliens or eaten by dinosaurs?” You know, like, really important things. But guess what? I’m 97% sure that isn’t what the internet does. It isn’t a fortune teller. Go figure. So, I think to myself- “Self, I bet lots of other people use the internet as an oracle too.” and you know what? Myself was right. A lot of people do use the internet as an oracle. But it isn’t an oracle. It’s the internet. Let me lay some facts on you.

4,500 people a month search for “What will I eat for dinner?”

74,000 people a month search “What is going to happen on Glee?”

2,500 people a month search “Will I ever live in a haunted house?”

6,600 people search for “Will I be abducted by aliens?”

110 people a month search for “Will I be eaten by a dinosaur?” (So, really it’s probably just me and like maybe a 6 year old with  nightmares)

And these are only the most ridiculous yet awesome questions. Let’s look at some questions that are less ridiculous and therefore less awesome but important to consider nonetheless.

49,500 people a month search for “Will I find love?”

18,100 people a month search for “Will I find a job?”

12,100 people a month search for “Will I get fat?”

1,900 people a month search for “Will I die alone?” (Again, this is probably just me and that anxiety ridden 6 year old.)

All of these people are asking the internet questions that it can’t possibly answer with any accuracy. Although, it’s probably more accurate than the Renaissance Fair fortune teller I go to. (Just kidding, I don’t need a fortune teller. I’m a touch clairvoyant so I can pretty much take care of myself prediction-wise). And anyway most of the results you get are quizzes written by 15 year olds and horoscopes written by “Astrologists” ( Listen, if you aren’t a centaur then I  don’t have any faith in your star reading abilities. Anyone who reads Chronicles of Narnia or Harry Potter knows you can only trust centaurs to accurately read the stars.) So I don’t know how helpful that is in giving you a valid answer to your question. And I’m wondering if this is an issue of “Maybe the internet is magic.” or more like an issue of “I’m feeling lonely/sad/scared/begiggity and no one is around to offer comfort except for my computer.” Either way, I think it’s important that we all acknowledge that the internet is not an oracle. It’s a host of information (albeit not always legitimate information) and while it might make us feel temporarily better- it can’t actually answer our future based questions. You might as well ask me, at least you know that I’m a touch clairvoyant and my predictions might actually happen. Probably. Sometimes. When it rains.

Actually, I bet Google could figure out a way to make the internet tell the future. (Note- If Google does figure a way to make the internet tell the future it was my idea and I should get a share of the profits except in the case that Google figures out a way to make the internet tell the future and it causes the world to end then it was not my idea and I shouldn’t have to take the blame. )