I can think of no moment so precarious as the moment both you and a new friend enter the same public restroom and have to pee in stalls right next to each other. This is how you find out who is real friend material.
My darling Cappy over at Writer’s Block wrote a post about her first few weeks at college and it made me think of all the shenanigans I got into back in my youthful glory days. That’s right people, I was just full of shenanigans back in the day. Full of ‘em I tell ya! Then it hit me like a lightening bolt from Zeus himself- there was one shenanigan I was meant to share with the world! This particular shenanigan started out as a silly way to pass a Wednesday evening and turned into the most genius and relevant experiment to ever occur on a college campus. Ladies and Gents, I give you-
The Great Condom Water Balloon Drop of 2003!
Basically, we bought every type of condom the local Wal-Mart sold (Spoiler alert- condoms are kind of expensive), filled them all up with water, and then took them to one of the campus parking garages. You might be thinking that condoms filled with water are just water balloons. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Unwanted pregnancy wrong. Condoms filled with water are condom water balloons. It’s not the same thing at all. So, we took our wagon full of condoms- seriously, there was a wagon involved, we had a LOT of condom water balloons, and went to the nearest parking garage which happened to have four levels. We started at level one and dropped one of every kind off the side. Out of the 10 kinds of condoms we bought (I bet you can’t name them all….) 4 burst on impact with the ground. Those are the condoms we referred to from thereafter as “baby-makers”. You might think that these 4 types were the cheapest and you would be correct, except for one which was one of the most expensive and had the word “magnum” on the packaging which I am pretty sure is a metaphor for something I’ll think of later. Anyway, those 4 types of condoms were eliminated immediately and all the rest of their kind that we had filled up were demoted and used as regular water balloons. That might not seem fair to you guys but we weren’t playing games- casualties were bound to occur. Next, we went to the second level of the parking garage and dropped one of each of the 6 types left. 2 more types of condom were eliminated and these we referred to as “50/50s”- not really worth the risk in this scientists opinion, but it’s your life and I’m not the boss of you (although I totally should be). Next we moved on the the third floor of the garage, at this point, we fully expected every condom water balloon we dropped to burst upon groundular impact. I mean, we were pretty high up and after all, it’s just latex. And, in fact, 3 of the 4 remaining types of condom did burst on groundular impact. But one remained.
One Condom to rule them all, One Condom to find them, One Condom to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Oh man. That quote takes on a completely naughty yet applicable meaning when you replace “ring” with “condom”. J.R.R. Tolkien truly was a genius.
Needless to say, we were shocked. How could it be? Did this condom have some sort of magical powers? Is it possible that it was made of some super secret government material that was indestructible? What in the tarnation was going on?? We even sent one of our scientific comrades down to the ground level to make sure our eyes were not deceiving us and that the condom had indeed remained intact despite it’s being thrown 3 stories down. I will never forget the look of triumph in that brave young scientists eyes when he threw his arm in the air and yelled “Y’all. This rubber must be made out of….rubber. Or something.” Such eloquence. We looked one another in the eyes and knew we had to put this magnificent condom to the ultimate test by throwing it from the fourth floor of the parking garage.
Out of everyone there that night, I had the honor of throwing that brave little condom that could off of the fourth floor. Such a moment. Such a night. I launched that condom water balloon over the side and wished it a whispered “Godspeed”. And you know what? It didn’t break. TRUE STORY. I know, I can hardly believe it either but I was there that night and that condom did not break. Why didn’t it break? I don’t have the answer to that, but I can tell you that my amorously gifted friend always used that kind of condom from that night on and she never once had a pregnancy scare. The brand and type of that condom will live on in college shenanigan history for all eternity. Henceforth when I refer to a condom as a “four story miracle” I will be talking about ———————
Yeah, I’m not going to tell you which one it is. I mean, what if that knowledge prevents the person who will cure all disease from being born? Or, on the contrary, if I do tell you, it might prevent a horrible serial killer from being born. Aaaaagghhhh!!! Curse you great power that comes with great knowledge!!! Curse you!!!!!!!
Anyway, college was fun.
As luck would have it, I am occasionally acknowledged by my blogging peers with awards. And though they aren’t tangible golden statues, they are something even better – internet accolades that anyone might stumble upon. Anyone. Like, someone really famous might stumble upon these virtual awards and want to give me some kind of lucrative writing deal. Or someone not really famous could stumble upon and just subscribe to my blog, which is just as thrilling for me.
Recently, I have been awarded five blogging awards. The versatile blogging award (x3), the overlord award, and the blog lovin award. Which just goes to show you what I’ve been saying for years which is that I’m a versatile overlord with blog love. Vindication! However, with great honor comes a whole lot of hassle, which is to say, I’m supposed to say 3 (I think) things I would do if I were to become overlord in reality, and like 7 things for the versatile award which I was awarded by three different people so that makes 21, and then also 7 random facts about myself for the blog loving award. How about this. I’ll say 3 things I would do if overlord and then list however many things I can think of about myself for the others. Deal? Good.
What I would do if I was an overlord in reality.
1. That world hunger thing would get taken care of immediately.
2. I would award myself a Pulitzer.
3. I would throw a massive music festival with all my favorite bands that was catered by all my favorite restaurants. Invite only.
Some things about me.
1. I love candy. A lot. If I had been chosen to go to Willy Wonka’s factory, my little heart would have exploded from joy. Did you see the size of those gummy bears?!
2. If I had to live in another city besides Austin, I would choose London. I absolutely adore London and of all the cities I’ve traveled to, its the only one I could see myself living in permanently.
3. I can bust some serious moves on the dance floor.
4. I really like owls.
5. Sometimes, when I’m really happy, I clap my hands. Doesn’t matter if anyone is around or not, I just start clapping. I think the song “If you’re happy and you know it” permanently effected me.
6. I drink about 3 cups of green tea a day.
7. I don’t eat four-legged animals.
8. I think cigar and pipe smoke smell like academia, which is probably why I like the smell of them.
9. I have an embarrassing penchant for reality TV.
10. People actually read this blog, and it never fails to make me feel giddy and shocked.
Ok- that’s all I can come up with right now. If you have a question about me, feel free to ask. I’m an open book people- or you know, an open blog.
Giving credit where credit is due.
Now, I would never have risen to the rank of versatile overlord with blog love, if some of my badass peeps hadn’t nominated me for it. Props to me people.
Marina over at Marinasleeps gave me the high honor of blog lovin. I heart her and hope someday I will be able to curse as eloquently as she does.
Teo at Copingkoala awarded me the versatile blogging award. I love when she comments because it never fails to make me smile or think.
Copper at Coopernicus awarded me the versatile blogging award. Cooper likes music as much as I do and creates really sweet memes. Also, he comments frequently on my blog and that has won him my undying blog loyalty.
Ghetto Philosopher awarded me the overlord award, so I’m pretty sure I have his vote for world dictator. Also, he wants to bring back afros and bellbottoms and I am all for that!
Back to the hassle…
With each of these awards I received, I’m supposed to bestow them on others. Well, I’m not going to do that. You see, the power has gone to my head and I have made the executive decision to bogart all of these awards for myself. Also, last time I did something like that, feelings got hurt. Oh! That’s one more thing about me…
11. It breaks my heart to think I’ve hurt someone’s feelings.
So, really, you see, I can’t choose. Forgive me for not following the rules, won’t you?
Hugs and Kisses,
Sometimes, girlfriends of mine ask me for advice on guys. Why? I have no clue. It’s not as if I lead by example. Although, I do talk a good game. And I’m pretty sure all my advice is brilliant. So, I guess that’s why they ask. Anyway, I thought I might share some of my guy advice here, that way I can just tell my friends to read my blog when they ask for my thoughts on their romantic situations.
Here’s what I know about guys.
1. Food does work. Bake some cookies, cupcakes, or something else sweet, they like that. Unless they have some type of allergy- in which case, you might have caused them to be really sick. Probably not going to work out with that guy.
2. Smile. I heard somewhere that guys like happy looking girls. But don’t smile if you don’t feel like it. I heard guys don’t like girls who act fake.
3. If a guy shows up somewhere with a girl, it is NEVER his sister. Never. It’s always his girlfriend, date, girl he wants to date/make-out with.
4. Burping on a first date is never a good thing. From you or him.
5. Try and laugh a lot. I have no proof that this is something guys like but it seems like if you’re going to be spending a lot of time with someone you might as well be laughing.
6. Don’t make excuses. If someone treats you poorly, end it. You deserve better.
7. Use mouthwash. Frequently.
8. Probably best not to let him read your blog for a while. That could just be me though…
9. Curl your eyelashes. Every one of my best romantic experiences has occurred when my eyelashes were curled. You do the math.
10. Don’t overshare. Too much too soon is just too much. Trust me, he doesn’t want to know about how gross and pus-filled your throat got after your tonsels were taken out. Also off limits (at least at first) would be anything to do with your menstruation, pooping, zits, or how much weight you’ve gained recently.
And that’s about it. Usually any problem you are having with a guy you like or are dating can be solved by one of those 10 things. You’re welcome.
Last nights Kings of Leon concert was beyond epic. What’s beyond epic you may ask? Oh don’t worry, I created a word for it. The Kings of Leon concert was colossepical (that’s colossal+epic). You’re welcome English language.
The nights only hiccup was an incident I am going to henceforth refer to as “The Bitchface incident”. During the encore- which was colossepical, and specifically during “Closer” which is one of my favorite KOL songs, the girl in front of us turned around and demanded our attention. That alone would have irked me seeing as I was basking in musical splendor at the moment, but she didn’t stop there. The following account is a true story.
Bitchface: Umm, excuse me! Someone stole my camera.
Mary, Sarah, and Me: Oh. We’re sorry.
Birtchface: Well. Can I see your purses?
Mary, Sarah, and Me: What?!
Bitchface: Put yourself in my place. Someone stole my camera- it has everything on it! (This I feel, is a bit dramatic considering there is no way her camera would be capable of containing her money, credit cards, drivers license, house keys, car, and very life-force. But, if it was somehow able to contain those things then I guess I could understand her panic- she clearly owns a camera from the future.)
Mary, Sarah, and Me: You know what? Fine. Go ahead. (She then proceeds to put her hands in our bags to make sure we didn’t steal her camera)
Bitchface: If you guys took it, just tell me. I won’t be mad.
Me: Seriously! You already looked through our purses. We don’t have your camera. Have you bothered to ask anyone else around you, or are we the only ones who look like theives???!!!
Bitchface: Sorry! Just put yourself in my position.
Mary, Sarah, and Me: Good luck in finding it. (We weren’t really wishing her that much good luck)
Can you believe that???! First, you interrupt a Kings of Leon song. Then, you accuse me and my friends of larceny????? Really? Oh yeah, and she had had like 5 beers and 2 giant margaritas, and yet she wouldn’t consider for one second that she may have dropped her camera or left it at one of the many concession stands she frequented throughout the night. Hells bells. I was none too pleased by this behavior. Major party foul- like permanently ejected from the party kind of foul. And you know what? That girl left still thinking we had stolen her camera. I didn’t steal your camera yo!
Happily, not even a bitchface like her could mar the musical glory that was KOL last night. I am still in musical heaven. They played a lot of their older music, which is some of my favorite, and just put on a wicked good show. Band of Horses opened and also put on a killer show. The night was major and I will never forget it!!! Thanks Mary and Sarah for being the best ones of the best ones- and for totally being two girls I could count on if the bitchface incident turned into fisticuffs.
[WARNING: The following post gives you a look into the inner mind of GotC. You might experience symptoms of hilarity, confusion, anxiety, or mania. You’ve been warned. Proceed reading with the utmost caution. Do not read while driving. In fact, after reading this you should take a nap in order to pretend it was all a bizarre and disturbing dream.]
This, my sweet and probably insane readers, is an inside look into my brain. Why am I sharing this with you? No clue. I literally have no reason for it other than I think I’m hilarious. Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. When I’m having a conversation, there is another conversation going on unbeknownst to anyone else inside my head. It’s usually a lot more interesting than the conversation everyone else is hearing, if I do say so myself.
Neighbor: So, you’re refurbishing vintage furniture?
Me: Yeah. I love taking vintage furniture and refurbishing it in a really modern way. I like the juxtaposition of old and new. (Wow. I sound like a complete tool-bag. Why oh why am I talking like this? Juxtaposition? Seriously?)
Neighbor: That sounds great. What have you done so far?
Me: I’ve finished an old dresser, and tomorrow I’m working on a kitchen table and chairs as well as mosaic tiling a coffee-table. (I can’t believe you included the coffee table. It’s not even vintage, it’s just 3 year old Ikea.)
Neighbor: I would love to see them. It sounds like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.
Me: It’s more Sex and the City. Very Carrie Bradshaw. (STOP. Stop right now. You’ve taken the douche-baggery too far. WALK AWAY.)
Co-Worker: What sounds good for lunch?
Me: Anything really. (Dude. I should totally write a script for a movie where people from all different time periods are like, hanging out in Heaven. I bet they would have hilarious conversations. A lot of people think of Heaven as a really calm and chill place but I bet there’s lots of laughs to be had.)
Co-Worker: Should we get something delivered?
Me: Yeah, I don’t feel like driving anywhere. (Albert Einstein would be like “I was right about everything. It’s like, hey if Albert Einstein said it- it’s for real.” and Issac Newton would be like “Ummm, you’re welcome Einstein. I totally set you up. Give me my props yo.” and then Einstein would say “You’re right Newt. Even though we didn’t know each other in life- I always felt like we were homies….”)
Co-Worker: Hey! Are you listening?
Me: Yeah, I’m just thinking about what sounds good for lunch. (Also, I’m writing the best movie ever in my mind.)
How Was Your Weekend?
Friend: So, how was your weekend?
Me: Mmk. I guess. Kinda bouncy. (I wonder who would win in a fight between a vampire and a zombie. But not like a Twilight vampire- like, a real vampire. Because they’re both undead. Who kills who? And how?)
Friend: Bouncy? I don’t know what that means.
Me: You know up and down. Highs and lows. Bouncy. (I bet the zombie takes it. Because they seem more ruthless. No one ever made a movie where a lonely pretty girl falls in love with a zombie and then he bites her and she becomes a zombie because they love each other so much. Zombies don’t fall in love. They are totally ruthless. And like, really hungry for brains.)
Friend: Huh. Still kind of a weird way of describing your weekend.
Me: So, what? All of the sudden it’s “weird” to use language in ways it hasn’t been used before? Geez, read some Shakespeare. (But how would the zombie kill the vampire? I’ve never gotten the impression zombies were particularly bright. I don’t know if they would think of a wooden stake through the heart. Unless Buffy the Vampire Slayer became a zombie. Man, if she became a zombie the vamps wouldn’t stand a chance. But, seriously, what about a regular zombie? How would they win? C’mon GotC- put your thinking cap on.)
Friend: Are you comparing yourself to Shakespeare?
Me: No, you’re comparing me to Shakespeare. (Ripping the head off! Of course, it’s so simple! A zombie would kill a vampire by ripping it’s head off. This is a really proud moment for me. I’ve totally worked out the answer of an unanswerable question.)
Friend: What? No, I’m really not.
Me: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. See what I did there? I proved a point.
Friend: Sometimes, talking to you is like doing drugs.
Me: Except, talking to me is only illegal in 2 states.
Friend: So, a “bouncy” weekend, huh? What happened?
I blew your mind a little bit, didn’t I? It was like I dropped a surreal bomb on you. BOOM!
My street cred hit an all-time high last week when I was nominated by two fellow bloggers for the Stylish Blogger Award. Holla! A big shout out to Marina and the Edmonton Tourist. Of course, with great honor comes great responsibility (right?). What I mean is there are rules. And though I usually balk at rules, in this case, I’ll play fair. I have to tell 7 things about myself- which I think is the test to prove how stylish I am. And then I have to name 7 other bloggers I think deserve this award- which is to prove I have stylish friends.
7 Stylish Things About Me
1. I love fashion. Really. Like, a LOT. Alexander McQueen (RIP), Chanel, Miu Miu, Zac Posen, Burberry, Stella McCartney- these are a few of my favorite things.
2. I give practically everyone I meet a nickname. I can’t help myself.
3. I have 4 pairs of glasses.
4. I think Zach Galifianakis is really really funny. I laugh at everything he says.
5. I absolutely love to watch bridal/wedding shows like “Say Yes To The Dress”, “Four Weddings”, and “My Fair Wedding”. I just can’t get enough of them. They are either incredibly absurd or incredibly sweet. Love it.
6. I very rarely have crushes on celebrities. All my crushes are on journalists. Like David Muir. Sigh. And Olly Steeds. Sigh.
7. I love sunglasses. But I don’t trust people who wear them indoors.
7 Uber-Stylish Bloggers
2. Marina of MarinaSleeps. I’m not just nominating her because she nominated me. I’m nominating her because she makes me laugh. Read her blog.
3. Cooper at Coopernicus. He too, makes me laugh. Also, he listens to really good music. Security is for cadavers.
4. The Edmonton Tourist. Her worst valentines date ever is a classic. Very stylish.
5. The Bloggess. Really, nominating her is a bit of a moot point (mute point?) because she is already super popular but I am devoted to her blog and her irreverence and her use of curse words.
6. Aka Gringita whenever someone uses the word “flotsam” I am on board. She and I are kindred spirits.
There are so many more but I had to choose just 7 – I told you I was playing by the rules and I meant it. Just this once.
Some of you might have noticed that I disappeared last week. On Friday February 4, I was in a very bad car accident. I won’t go into the details but I would like to send a mental hug to the creators of the modern day seat-belt (Roger W. Griswold and Hugh De Haven) as well as the creators of the airbag (initially John W. Hetrick and then modernized by Allen K. Breed). So, I wasn’t here last week because I was recovering from my injuries- aka laying in bed somehow comatose and somehow high on pain meds. I’m going to be on crutches for a while. I’ve decided to name each of my crutches- the left one I call Franklin and the right one I call Brewster. I like first names that are last names.
Anyway- one of the results of this accident is that I have to postpone some very exciting changes I was planning for my life. And that’s disappointing. And my beloved car Germain was totaled. And that was really sad because I have loved that car unceasingly since it was presented to me when I turned 18 and we have been through a lot together. I feel like I lost a friend. There was just a lot of disappointment resulting from this accident. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault (unless you can blame Mother Nature and her icy blitzkrieg on the city of Austin) so I don’t have the satisfaction of being really mad at anyone. I just have to let go of the let down. So, that’s what I’m trying to do. And it’s gotten me thinking about other let downs in life that may seem less serious but are nonetheless disappointing and how I let them go.
When friends bail- I actually have assigned my friends bail-out percentages which is the percentage of likelihood that they will bail-out on our plans. It helps cushion the disappointment when they do bail on you.
When someone you have a crush on doesn’t have a crush on you- This is an easy one for me. I just keep my feelings to myself (i.e. Flirtation Failure) and then it’s just a matter of pretending to myself I never liked them anyway. It might be crazy. It might be unhealthy. But it works.
When the left-overs you’ve been looking forward to eating all day are gone when you get home- This is a tough one. When it happens to me, it’s difficult not to lash out at whomever ate my left-overs (just ask my sister). BUT- I now employ yoga breathing to calm down and then promptly begin trying to convince my stomach that it really wanted a grilled cheese anyway. The grilled cheese always tastes a bit like lost hope but it fills the belly.
When that new haircut just doesn’t look quite right- Headbands and bobby pins are lifesavers. And there is hope in knowing it will eventually grow out.
When you want to eat Mexican but everyone else you’re with wants Chinese- Hey, Chinese food is also delicious. This one is easily shrugged off. Besides, you can always eat Mexican food tomorrow.
When you really wanted that promotion and it went to someone else- This one hurts, I’m not going to lie. I like to curb my disappointment by making up hexes in my head and directing them at the person who got the promotion. Unless they are like, a really good person. Then I just eat my feelings. Mmmm, emotional binge eating, the food tastes so good when it mixes with my tears…..
Unfortunately, none of these methods are very helpful in letting go my present let down so I’ve had to create a new method. It’s called “one day at a time” and basically it means I’m just going to deal with all of this one day at a time and hopefully I will get back to a place where I can plan big exciting future things. Fingers crossed.
How do you let go your let downs?
In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you guys that I haven’t been practicing flirting. I am still a flirtation failure. I sort of smiled(ish) at a guy not too long ago if that counts for anything. No? It doesn’t? Oh. Ok.
So- I’m starting over at trying to be less of a complete and total goofball at flirting (and by goofball I mean coward). And now, I have more motivation than ever- a wedding in October that I have been instructed to “bring a +1….or else” I’m pretty sure the “or else” is one of the following options.
A) Taking care of drunk family members at the wedding
B) Being forced to sing “Single Ladies” at the wedding
C) Having to sit at the kids table and all the kids have boyfriends and girlfriends and then I have to admit I’m the “loser” at the kids table.
D) Being forced to watch movies about aliens until I pass out in fear and then when I wake up I realize that flirting isn’t nearly as scary. But that’s a really hard way to learn.
E) Be set-up on a blind wedding date. (Now that’s scary)
Obviously, I don’t want any of these things to happen. This gives me motivation to start flirting (shudder) and hopefully, fingers crossed, find myself a +1 to take to my friends wedding.
Ok- I have the motivation but what I’m lacking is the skills to make this happen. I mean, I can “practice” all day long but if I’m not doing the right things, then it’s sort of just reaffirming bad habits. What I need from you people is advice. I know I got a lot of flirting advice in my first Flirtation Failure but it was sort of overwhelming and mixed in was a lot of “Flirting is so easy, it’s like riding a bike” and I happen to be really scared of bike riding so that just confirmed my suspicion that flirting is actually terrifying. I need help. Sure, I need help on lot’s of things (i.e. the bike riding) but flirting help is priority right now because I have a deadline looming and even though I love singing “Single Ladies” in my car, I don’t fancy doing it at a wedding. Help me, readers of Girl on the Contrary, you’re my only hope!
This post is dedicated to a certain lovely and brilliant writer friend of mine.