The Thoughts of a 25 Year Old Spinster

I was sitting at my designated table, eating my designated wedding cake, and drinking my designated glass of champagne, while watching all the other guests at the wedding dance to “Let’s Get It On” when I realized something. Something that should have made me sad. I was the only person under the age of 65 sitting at a designated table- everyone else was coupled up and dancing to Marvin Gaye singing about sex. A lightbulb went off over my head (or it could have just been the strobe lighting) and my mind was suddenly illuminated by the reality of the situation. I am a 25 year old spinster. And, I’m ok with that. Like, really ok with that. Odd.

According to society I should be fretting day and night about not being married. I should be doing everything in my power to change myself physically and mentally in order to attract a suitable mate. I should be settling for “nice and safe” instead of waiting for “perfect for me”. I should have a scrapbook filled with every detail imaginable regarding weddings so that when I finally manage to find someone willing to marry me the planning will be a piece of (wedding) cake. Basically, according to society, I should be the opposite of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a bridal magazine just as much as the next girl. I like relationships and cuddling and I have thought about getting married. I just don’t want marriage to be the center of my universe. I don’t want to, nor do I feel that I am somehow “missing something”. I don’t believe in the “you complete me” mentality. I complete myself- I am whole- with or without a husband. And right now, I just can’t be bothered to desperately search for someone to marry me. I love my life the way it is. I like sleeping diagonally across my bed. I like sometimes eating enough food for 4 people without feeling judged. I like to watch cheesy ridiculous reality television by myself and skip through the most awkward parts. I like being able to schedule dinner with friends whenever I feel like it. I like going to movies by myself. I like to read for hours and hours on end without interruption. These are just a few of the things I like about my life that I might have to adjust for someone else.

Did you know the term “spinster” use to be a distinguishing term of independence for women? In medieval times this term represented women who spun wool to make a living, in fact, this was the only living a woman at that time could make independent of a man. Spinsters could support themselves. Somehow this term has evolved into being, not a term of independence, but rather a term for a women unwilling or unable to marry. Today, a spinster is an old maid. Well I reject that notion. I won’t stand for it, I’m taking back part of the original meaning of that term. I’m a spinster- a girl who can marry anytime she wants but doesn’t need a man to support her- a women who lives independently and is whole unto herself.

Maybe I’ll marry someday. In fact, I probably will get married someday. But you can be sure I will be getting married because I have met someone who enriches my already complete life and whose complete life I enrich. I will be totally and irreversibly in love- and I certainly won’t be settling. And if I don’t meet that man then I will live happily ever after as a spinster. Quite happily indeed.

Spinster

The Things We’ve Left Behind or Why I left Facebook

The things we’ve left behind find us sometimes. And there are places you can’t hide from them. But you can’t face them, don’t want to have to face them every day. But they don’t go away.

And you learned and grew from the things you’ve left behind but they were left behind for a reason and though you know that reason and even if it is a valid reason doesn’t mean the things accept or acknowledge it. They force themselves upon you. They leave you alone for 15 years- enough time for you to feel confident in their never returning to your life again- and then they show up. They show up innocently enough until you realize it was a trick to force themselves back in your life. And they want something from you but you aren’t entirely sure what but you know, you KNOW, they want something from you. And the last time the things you left behind were in your life you almost suffocated from the weight of them. And they hurt you. And you have spent many many hours in therapy recovering from the wounds they gave you. And now they found you again and you don’t know what to do. Continue to hide? Respond forcefully? Feign Ignorance?

But you are an adult now. There isn’t anything to be afraid of- you can take care of yourself. You don’t have to communicate with anyone you don’t want to. You control your life. You will not be manipulated and lied to again. You won’t let them near your family. You are stronger than them. Still, they try to force themselves on you. Why now? Why 15 years later? Can you sense my complete happiness? Is that why you want to talk to me again, so you can take it away? I won’t allow it. I forbid you from infringing on my happiness. I LEFT YOU BEHIND. I don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to me. We are free of each other- let that be.

Empath

Feeling her pain- taking on his plight- the world’s tears are falling from my eyes- absorbing love and loneliness- not my own

Sensing fear- seeing sadness- swimming in emotion- sinking in their eyes- knowing my only way of freeing them- is enslaving myself

Cut off from love- trying to live my life- moment to moment- I could be so much more- without the chains that bind me

Letting empathy go- I’d be free