Tag Archives: flirting

Flirtation Failure: The Art and Science of Flirting

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Apparently, there are instructional videos for flirting. This is a REAL thing. And by real, I mean real freaking hilarious. Flirting, it’s an art and a science y’all. God bless YouTube.

So, if I’m to understand this absolutely genius video correctly, next time I see a guy I’m attracted to, I should approach him like this: “Hi. I have a positive attitude and a bright smile. This is light conversation. I don’t want to know too much about you. No deep conversations. I’m fiddling with my hair. I’m making you laugh. I’m staring you down. I’m intriguing. You’re fascinating. Do you find me fascinating? Your feet are pointing in my direction so I’m totally going to score with you. ( And by “score” I mean make sweet sweet random stranger love to you). Wink. I’m touching you, but not below the belt. That would be inappropriate.”

Who knew 8 steps was all it took to be successful at flirting? Why don’t they teach this in schools?? Man, our public education system is screwed up. I mean, how could they not teach me this? Finally, all is revealed! Wink, smile, eye contact. All these years I’ve been keeping my eyes shut and grimacing. So that’s what I was doing wrong. And never once, in all my flirting adventures did I stare a guy down while fiddling with my hair. I was sending all the wrong signals by you know, just having a good time. When you’re “on the hunt” you’re not supposed to be having fun, you’re supposed to be acquiring your target and then shooting him in the face or trapping him in a snare. I’m not really sure if that’s how it works, the hunting metaphor throws me off a little bit- it would seem that gun violence and nooses wouldn’t attract many men but, hey, what do I know, they’re the experts.

Long story short, I watched this video like 10 times because I was laughing so hard I kept missing some of the vital flirtation steps. You’re welcome dear readers, you’re welcome.

Give Me Nachos Or Give Me Death!

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Nachos

Here’s the thing. I went to a hockey game last week. Well, that’s not the thing but it seemed strange enough to leave as it’s own sentence. The thing was that I was going with a large group of people and many of those people were cute and uber-smart guys and the game was at dinner-time. Here’s what happened next.

Me: I can’t wait to get some delicious nachos at the game!

They who shall remain nameless: What?! There are going to be lots of cute guys there. You don’t want to have nacho fingers.

Me: You must be kidding me. I would never, never, sacrifice my love of nachos for the love of a man.

They who shall remain nameless: Yeah, but you put lots of jalapenos on your nachos- you’ll have jalapeno breath.

Me: Jalapenos are the best part of nachos. I can’t even believe you’re saying this right now. If I can’t have nachos with lots of fake cheese and jalapenos and have a boyfriend at the same time then I choose nachos. I choose nachos every time.

They who shall remain nameless: Really?

Me: Yes! Give me nachos or give me death. I don’t want a man if it means I can’t eat nachos. It’s like the easiest choice I will ever have to make. Nachos win.

They who shall remain nameless: Fine.

I mean, c’mon. Give up my nachos??? I think not. Not even Mr. Alan Alda could pry my hands away from nachos. What are some of the things you aren’t willing to give-up for love? (Think Meatloaf “I would do anything for love. Anything you’ve been dreaming of. But I won’t do that.)

P.S. Also, as it turns out, I like hockey. Who knew?

Flirtation Failure: Deadline October.

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Flirt Magazine

Love and Laffs don't mix???!! I'm screwed.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you guys that I haven’t been practicing flirting. I am still a flirtation failure. I sort of smiled(ish) at a guy not too long ago if that counts for anything. No? It doesn’t? Oh. Ok.

So- I’m starting over at trying to be less of a complete and total goofball at flirting (and by goofball I mean coward). And now, I have more motivation than ever- a wedding in October that I have been instructed to “bring a +1….or else”  I’m pretty sure the “or else” is  one of the following options.

A) Taking care of drunk family members at the wedding

B) Being forced to sing “Single Ladies” at the wedding

C) Having to sit at the kids table and all the kids have boyfriends and girlfriends and then I have to admit I’m the “loser” at the kids table.

D) Being forced to watch movies about aliens until I pass out in fear and then when I wake up I realize that flirting isn’t nearly as scary. But that’s a really hard way to learn.

E) Be set-up on a blind wedding date. (Now that’s scary)

Obviously, I don’t want any of these things to happen. This gives me motivation to start flirting (shudder) and hopefully, fingers crossed, find myself a +1 to take to my friends wedding.

Ok- I have the motivation but what I’m lacking is the skills to make this happen. I mean, I can “practice” all day long  but if I’m not doing the right things, then it’s sort of just reaffirming bad habits. What I need from you people is advice. I know I got a lot of flirting advice in my first Flirtation Failure but it was sort of overwhelming and mixed in was a lot of “Flirting is so easy, it’s like riding a bike” and I happen to be really scared of bike riding so that just confirmed my suspicion that flirting is actually terrifying. I need help. Sure, I need help on lot’s of things (i.e. the bike riding) but flirting help is priority right now because I have a deadline looming and even though I love singing “Single Ladies” in my car, I don’t fancy doing it at a wedding. Help me, readers of Girl on the Contrary, you’re my only hope!

Flirtation Failure: The Series III

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Flirt Magazine

I couldn't pull this off. True Story.

So, here we are again. Chronicling my failed attempts at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Cute Guy At Starbucks. I maybe stalked this guy a little bit. Not in the scary, collect his hair and make a doll out of it kind of way, but more in the I just went to Starbucks every day kind of way. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks everyday to see him and spend ridiculous amounts of money on only ok coffee, it turns out he doesn’t like girls. End of story. I am, however, counting this as a victory because I managed to work up enough courage to go there and see him everyday- usually I would avoid places with hot guys because of my hot guy phobia. I overcame a fear here people. Kudos to me.

Picture it: Sunday lunch with my parents and we are being served by a hot somehow French waiter. I actually got to the restaurant before my parents did. He approaches the table and I’m thinking “Hold it together girl, be nice, smile, make eye contact.  Get your game face on!  You can do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I would like to drink. I order a very sexy iced tea. And then I smile while making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles back while making eye contact. I freeze and quickly look down. Ok, minor points deducted but the game isn’t over yet. My parents arrive. Usually, I would take this opportunity to hide behind my conversations with them in order to not have to look at or speak to a hot waiter. Not this time. This time, I keep smiling. I keep making eye contact. I basically dominated the flirting baby-steps. Sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or arranged anything coming even close to resembling a date- but I dominated the baby-steps people! If this were a flirting class I would have gotten a D+ instead of an F. I consider that a victory. Huzzah!

Cute guy passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He comes to the door and ask for me by name. Sure, I wasn’t there at the time. Sure, he was only reading my name off a list because I had supported this candidate in the past. Sure, I couldn’t actually have flirted with him since, you know, I wasn’t even there. But I still consider this a win. Had I been there, I’m pretty sure I would have dominated this flirting situation because we would  have been talking about politics which is an area I happen to have quite a bit of confidence in. This flirting situation was made for me. If only I had actually been there.

Overall, I think I did somehow ok this last month in the flirting department. My focus this month will be mastering the baby-steps and then trying to figure out what comes after the baby-steps. Suggestions are always welcome.

Oh yeah! I also created a pretty accurate test to tell if a guy and I are compatible. It is as follows.

Cute Guy: So, are you dating anyone?

Me: No, the only guy in my life at the moment is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he gets the reference and also likes Kurt Vonnegut then we are compatible. If he gets the reference but hasn’t ever read Kurt Vonnegut then we might be compatible. If he get the reference but doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we probably aren’t compatible. If he doesn’t get the reference at all then I will just walk away. No way can I date a guy who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

True Friends Help You Stalk That Guy At Starbucks

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starbucks love

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taught the lesson of pure and true friendship. The kind of friendship you only find once in a lifetime. Want to know the key to this type of friendship? It’s helping your friends stalk their crushes at Starbucks. And it’s a beautiful thing.

You see, there is this super cute guy who works at the Starbucks I frequent (think Ryan Gosling when he has a beard in The Notebook). And, as I think I mentioned, I think this guy is a grade-A cutie-pie. I’m pretty sure he would write me poems and say really offbeat but endearing things to me. I’m pretty sure he reads Kurt Vonnegut. His favorite food is definitely Thai. We should be together. Alas, I don’t know if any of these things are actually true. All I know is that he works at the Starbucks I go to- oh, and did I mention he is lovely to look at??? But that’s it. That’s all I know, the rest is just educated guessing and nonsense. I mentioned this silly crush to a couple of friends at work and then they did the most shockingly wonderful thing friends can do- they offered to help me stalk him.

Although, to be fair, they didn’t actually offer to help me “stalk” him. They offered to help me learn to flirt better and to go with me to Starbucks every day after lunch for moral support. They have literally made me practice eye contact, they offer advice and encouragement, and they also tease me about my flirtation failings which might seem mean but is exactly what I need. Oh, and they have totally spent like $30 bucks on coffee in order to support me. This is what friendship looks like people.

Unfortunately, as I probably could have predicted, I’m still a flirtation failure. Without going into specifics (because they are just too gory for blogging), I have failed again and again at my mission. (By the way, my mission was to have a non-coffee related verbal exchange with eye-contact) These poor friends of mine have really tried and I’m sure their advice would have been incredibly useful for anyone who isn’t me. Fluttering eyelashes? When I try that, I look like I might be having a seizure. Coquettish smile? Yeah right. Hair flip? I promise you, if I tried I would break my neck. What I’m trying to say is this guy has most definitely not noticed me. Or actually, he has noticed me, but could not possibly be less interested. And I leave Starbucks everyday more and more depressed and rejected. Facing your failures is not the joyous experience one might think it would be. Go figure.

And anyway, I totally saw him smoking and that is a major dealbreaker. So really, I’m rejecting him. In the most pathetic and demoralizing way possible. I’m sure he’s gutted.

The silver lining here is that I realized I have some really stellar friends who will totally help me stalk my next crush. And really, what more could one ask for? Not many people get support from their friends in their stalking endeavors. So thanks you guys!! Thanks for being such marvelous friends and thanks for not giving up on me even when my eyelash flutters look like seizures.

Twitter Thinks I Suck At Flirting Too

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Twitter has opinions on my love life. Very strong opinions. I had no idea Twitter was so invested in my love life. Oh, but it is. It’s very invested. So invested, that it has taken to suggesting that I follow romance novelists exclusively. I mean, I used to get suggestions for random celebrities and news organizations but now it is without exception romance novelists. Does Twitter really think this is going to help me? Apparently, it does.

Also, who do you think you are Twitter?! Getting all up in my business like that. You think you, who is nothing more than code and good marketing, can tell me what’s missing in my life? Sure, I’m not a good flirt. Sure, it’s been a while since I’ve had a relationship. Sure, I’m not very suave or charming when it comes to romance. Sure, I have a hard time speaking in front of attractive guys. Sure……oh, I see your point. Well played.

Ok, ok. I could use some help. You’ve won the argument there, but romance novels? I have a very hard time seeing how that is going to help at all. I’ve always had a distaste for these types of books. I find them to be unrealistic and the female characters weak. But, I haven’t read all that many so I could be wrong. Except for the unrealistic part. I’m pretty sure that these books are across the board extremely unrealistic. And unrealistic is the opposite of what I need. I already live too much in my imagination. I don’t need anything else in my life that pulls me from reality. Trust me, I’ve got that one more than covered. What I need, I think is something realistic. Something substantial. Something that gives me a lightbulb moment and suddenly makes flirting and romance easier. But, that seems pretty unrealistic in itself. Hmmm. Even my realistic wishes are unrealistic. Alas.

What I’m trying to say, Twitter, is this: please stop it with all the romance suggestions. Yes, you are correct in assessing that I’m lacking in that particular area of life, but your suggestions aren’t helping. In fact, they are just sort of silly. And sure, maybe I will come back to this in about 15 years when I’m really getting desperate but for now, please just go back to random celebrities as suggestions. I really do appreciate your concern but I think this is something I have to figure out for myself- without the “help” of romance novels. Ok?

Also, could I at least get more than 140 characters on my birthday? Like, as a gift? Just thought I would ask.

Flirtation Failure: The Series II

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Flirt Magazine

Since this seemed to be a popular post I decided to make it a monthly series. Basically, I’m going to be chronicling my failed attempts at flirting. In the interest of not being a flirting failure anymore I am sincerely going to try to flirt. My days of hiding in the utility closet are over- probably. I mean, I can’t promise anything- my flirtation skills are nonexistent so this will probably take a lot of time. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my humiliation- I fully expect for hilarity to ensue.

I had a meeting with a really hot guy last month, which is basically my worst nightmare realized. I was not prepared in the least to have to represent myself to someone as hot as him. So my heart stopped for about 2 seconds and then I said to myself “Hey self! Pull it together. You MUST SPEAK NOW.” So, I said hello which I am chalking up as a major victory. I even made eye contact. Then he started talking to me and being really nice and smiling and I was like- hey man, if we are going to be able to talk to one another you are really going to need to become a douche bag immediately. Because I really can’t talk to a hot guy who is also nice. He didn’t become a douche bag though so basically I just had to screw up my courage and talk. Even though what we were talking about was not in any way flirtatious the fact that I was able to speak at all should definitely count as a win. Anyway, someone later told me he actually is a douche bag.

I went to Starbucks on a break from work and ordered my usual non-fat chai. I was waiting patiently for my delicious chai when I heard them call a name that isn’t mine. Then they called it again. And again. Apparently the person who took my order wrote my name down wrong. When I approached the counter to inquire if it was my name they should have been calling I realized the guy at the counter was incredibly good looking. Gulp. Panic took over but I really wanted my chai so I spoke up and asked him if it was me they were actually trying to call. He apologized and made some sort of cute remark to which I replied “No worries, it happens.” which I think was a stellar response. And I was smiling. But I was also looking directly at my coffee the whole time so I think we should call this one a draw.

Cute guy at my office. We are walking towards the same door. So, of course, I hurry up my walk , say “Excuse me”  when I cut him off, and get the hell out of there. This one seems like a fail.

I saw a really attractive fellow walking towards me in a parking garage. Immediately my eyes became glued to the pavement. Typical. I mean, this probably wasn’t a chance to flirt but I could have at least smiled. Actually, I couldn’t have smiled. A normal person could have at least smiled. Not me, it was pretty much ordained by fate that my eyes would be glued to the pavement without a smile for miles. Alas.

So, for the last month I have 1 victory (remember I count it as a victory if I am able to speak, smile, and look at them in the eyes), 1 draw, and 2 losses. So, not great. Also, not really flirting but it’s all about baby steps people.

Awww, Thanks You Guys.

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I completely stalk my blog stats. We all know this. Some might consider it a problem but I think all of you bloggers understand my tendency towards stat stalking. One of my favorite thing to see is what terms are being searched on Google that led people to my blog. Lately, it’s been beyond awesome. Let me share a few of my favorites….

We are heavily flirting, she likes me. – Ok- I don’t understand why someone would put this into a search engine. Are they unsure of what to do next? Or do they just want the world to know that they are very successful flirters? I bet it’s just bragging. Like, “hey Google, bet you can’t flirt as well as I can. This girl totally digs my chili and wants to make-out with me. Has that ever happened to you Google?” and then Google is like, “C’mon man. You know I’m just a search engine, it’s really not cool to keep shoving what I can’t do in my face.” and then Google will create some type of application that allows it to flirt with girls and will probably make like a billion dollars on it. Who’s the winner in that case Mr. Braggy?

Is he eye flirting?- No. He just has pink eye. Which is a form of chlamydia. That guy you like has eye chlamydia. It’s time to take a look at your life. Or maybe he is eye flirting. I have to be honest and say I’m not sure what that means really- is it like winking? Because if he just keeps winking at you then he might have tourette syndrome. If it’s tourettes you should date him, if it’s eye chlamydia go ahead and date him but wash your hands a lot.

flirting

My friend’s boyfriend is a douche.- He for sure is. I know. We all have friends who have douche bags for boyfriends. I even wrote a blog about how to tell your friends that their boyfriends are douche bags. Here is another idea though- send an anonymous postcard to the douche bag that says “Hey, you’re a douche bag.” because maybe he doesn’t know and then he will be really glad someone pointed it out and turn into an awesome boyfriend to your friend. Or maybe he will continue the douchebaggery but at least you told him. I don’t know. I just think mailing things is fun.

Is my boyfriend a douche?- If you are asking Google then the answer is yes. Yes he is. He is DEFINITELY a douche bag. If he wasn’t a douche bag you wouldn’t be seeking advice from a search engine. I’m sorry. It’s brutal but true. You have fallen under the douchey spell of a class-A douche bag. Google can’t help you. But I can. That’s why Google sent you to me. They knew I would be just what you needed. Also, they know I use the word “douche bag” quite a lot.

How to tell a friend we hate her boyfriend.- I feel like I already answered this question….

Douche bags.- This makes me really proud. Thanks you guys.


My best friends boyfriend is a douche.- Am I repeating the same day over and over again? Because I could swear I already answered this one…..

Your boyfriends a douche.- Yeah he is. And now Google knows it too. That will show him.

How to find out if your boyfriends a douche. - He is. If you are typing these words in Google then that man is a DOUCHE BAG. Trust me. There is no “finding out” , you already know he is. Trust yourself (but mostly just trust me).

douche bags

Hugs and emotional health.- Care Bears!! Although I’m not sure my blog is really the place to go for emotional health. Emotional disturbance, emotional psychosis, even emotional masochism, but not health. Sorry.

Why do I get hugs and feel like it’s never enough? Because you are a sociopath and can’t feel human emotion. OR- because you can never have too many hugs. It’s one of those reasons.

Cute virtual hugs.- Care Bears!! I am sending you all virtual hugs right now- and they are really cute ones too.

care bear hugs

So the theme for my blog is apparently “douche bags”, “hugs” and ” flirting” . I’m pretty happy with that. And I have all of you to thank for it! So thanks, thanks for making my blog the definitive voice on douche bags, hugs, and flirting. My life is definitely headed in the right direction. HEART.

Heart


Flirtation Failure

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Flirtation Flirt Magazine

If I'm hiding in a box it's to jump out and scare you, not flirt with you. Fail.

Hi- my name is Girl on the Contrary and I am a flirtation failure.

I apparently missed that day in high school when cupid or St. Valentine or Rico Suave comes to class and teaches you how to flirt. I must have been sick because I don’t know the first thing about flirting. I don’t like to flirt and even if I did I couldn’t because I am so very very bad at it. This is the gravity of the situation-  even my Mom thinks I’m a bad flirter- like, she thinks I am really really incredibly bad at it. The woman only speaks the truth.  And I know it. I know I’m not good at it, but is it something that you ( and by you I mean me) can learn? Also, if flirting can be learned, can I be bothered to learn it?

As it turns out, flirting is like being nice. Really nice. So I think that might be my first problem. It’s not that I’m not nice. I’m really nice to people in general but, if you act stupid or say something ridiculous I will definitely without hesitation make fun of you and probably turn it into a blog post. And it seems that some people don’t find being made fun of attractive. Huh. Interesting. So that’s one problem I have.

Another problem would be the paralyzing shyness I have when interacting with attractive males. The way I overcome this is to physically hide or run away. I’m perfectly content to do either one. In fact, I’m rather good at it. I’m like a champion hider. No one on this planet can beat me at a game of hide and seek. Those guys probably don’t even notice me anyway because I’m not making eye contact with them. I am keeping my head down and looking for a good hidey-hole. Or I am walking as quickly as possible away from them so they can’t speak to me. Not that they would, but just in case they were lost and needed directions, I need to get away fast. So, I guess that’s strike two.

Anytime I have ever flirted (or attempted unsuccessfully to flirt) I have felt like a complete and total moron afterwards. Like, I think back on what I said and I can’t help but feel that I acted a fool.  Everything I say sounds like it is coming from an insecure 13 year old. I lose my mind when I’m trying to flirt. I become uninteresting and vapid and silly. It just doesn’t feel natural. Can’t I just be myself and attract someone? The answer to that is no. No, I can’t be myself and attract someone. Strike three. I’m out.

So I think I’m just going to have to accept that I am a flirtation failure. Isn’t acceptance the first step to something? Like enlightenment? I mean, I could work on some of these issues and really put myself out there but…..yeah, no. Probably not. Better to stay inside this utility closet I found to hide in and think of witty things to blog about.