The DTR  is the most awkward, nerve-racking, and above all else, pointless conversation you will ever have in your life. Seriously. I have had too many of these plague-like discussions and I would like to share what wisdom I have gained so that you won’t have to go through the same torture I did. This is really nice of me. You’re welcome.

DTR- Defining the Relationship

I think DTR is only 1 letter away from DNR for a reason- these talks should not be resuscitated. Ever. Ever. I will explain/examine them, even though it brings back cringe-worthy memories- again, this is really nice of me. This is the talk you have with your maybe-boyfriend or maybe-girlfriend when you aren’t sure how you are supposed to refer to them. Perhaps you have been dating/making-out and it’s been several weeks or even months (gag). You don’t know if you are in a relationship or not. Because things are royally screwed up in relationships these days. Because sometimes it seems casual and sometimes it seems serious and you just don’t know what is going on. I’m going to just be brutal here- what this really means is that this person is playing you-

p-l-a-y-i-n-g  y-o-u. For shiz. Nevertheless, you aren’t willing to face the brutality of the truth and so you work up your courage (and it does take a lot of courage) and ask them how you should define your relationship. DTR. (Side note- I’m pretty sure all of the players/douche-bags had a huge convention where they created something called a DTR that was designed solely to mess with you- this is the douche bags crowning achievement) In this conversation things such as this are said “You really mean a lot to me, I’m just in a weird place.” or “You’re my girl/guy , we don’t need labels to make that any more true.”-  there are a million variations of these statements. They are all equally douchy and they all mean the same thing- they like hanging out with you but either a) don’t like you enough to be in a relationship with you. or b) like hanging out with you but don’t want to be tied-up in case anything better comes along.

This conversation will trick you. It will trick you into continuing this weird parallel-universe relationship where everything is twisted and confusing (and not in the good Alice in Wonderland kind of way). Also, this conversation will exhaust you and cause you incredible amounts of stress, anxiety, and in my case, nausea. You will spend days/weeks going over it again and again. You will feel alternately happy and angry. Such is the fallout from a DTR.

I will mention that there is a mysterious type of DTR that results in an actual relationship. I heard about it once. From a guy who knew a girl who knew another girl who knew a guy whose cousin was friends with someone who this happened to.

Do not let the DTR happen to you. It truly is a miserable and vomit-inducing experience. Want proof? Fine. Here is the exaggerated totally accurate re-creating of one of my DTRs.

GirlontheContrary: So, what are you thinking? In terms of what we are to each other?

DoucheBag: You are so cute.

GirlontheContrary: Thanks.

——-Long Pause——–

GirlontheContrary: So there is still a question waiting to be answered here.

DoucheBag: I really like you a lot. You are so funny and sweet. I just want to make sure I’m in a place where I can be good enough for you.

GirlontheContrary: Ok, so you don’t think you are good enough for me now?

DoucheBag: Things are just really crazy right now. We have something special. I have never felt this way- we don’t really need to put labels on what we are.

GirlontheContrary: I label everything.

DoucheBag: I consider us to be together.

GirlontheContrary: So, I’m like, your girlfriend?

DoucheBag: In a way.

GirlontheContrary: So, I’m your girlfriend but also not your girlfriend? Do I have multiple personalities?

DoucheBag: You’re so cute.

GirlontheContrary: Yes. I think you mentioned that earlier.

DoucheBag: Let’s just take it slow and see where this goes.

GirlontheContrary: So, several months of dating limbo isn’t taking it slow? Are you not as equally confused as I am?

DoucheBag: I just want to make sure we really know each other before jumping into something.

GirlontheContrary: Aha. Yes, that is much more clear and not at all vague and shady. So, I’m going to leave now and probably not come back to this place.

DoucheBag: Don’t you want to hang out some more?

GirlontheContrary: (Condescendingly) You are so cute.

End scene. Truthfully I was a lot more awesome in that dialogue than in real life. In real life he totally had me at “you’re cute” and I let him toy with my emotions for a few more weeks before I cut him out of my life. Not proud of that but there it is. This is the way 99% of DTRs go. One person is always more committed than the other. Always. One person is always leading on the other . Always. If you have to have a DTR this is why, because someone isn’t giving you the time/effort/commitment you deserve. If you are with the right person at the right time, you won’t have to have a DTR- you will just be in a committed relationship with one another. There will be no need to discuss or analyze it. This is all really good advice. I’m pretty sure none of you will take it, but it’s still really good advice.

So, my new slogan for all my dating friends (and myself) is DNR the DTR. If you use this slogan you owe me your first born child because I will have saved you from a world of anxiety and emotional masochism. If it’s a boy, name him Otis, if it’s a girl, name her Pearl. I promise to take good care of him/her. I also expect to have like 50 kids if everyone holds up their end of the bargain.

*Note- Please don’t send me your children. I was being hyperbolic. But you definitely owe me something.

*Note- when I say “player” or “douche-bag” I mean boys and girls. Let’s be honest ladies, we can be douche bags too.