Tag Archives: dating

I Realize Now, This Blog Was A Bad Idea.

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Bradley Cooper Running

This is what I imagine will happen after the guy reads my blog. He will literally run out in front of traffic.

Recently, I’ve become aware of a grave mistake I made. That mistake is writing this blog. I realize now, I’ve been perhaps a shade too honest. A bit too myself. And because I did those things I have forever screwed myself out of love.

I think the problem is that when I started this blog I didn’t really have any interest in dating and therefore never thought through what the consequences of my posts would be later when I wanted to date again. Now that the time of dating is once again upon me, I realize this blog has to become a secret. Which will be difficult considering it’s a big part of my life. This is very problematic. I see two options.

1. Tell the guy immediately that I write a blog. (Because, you know, I’m pretty proud of it). Guy I’m dating reads this blog. Guy decides I am a whole lot of crazy and changes all of his numbers and moves to New Zealand. Because, let’s be honest, no guy who reads this blog is going to think I’m a “catch”. Sure, he might think I’m hilarious (which I totally am) but no way is he going to want to date a girl who clearly has no filter, will definitely blog about him, and even if they did date would write some sort of break-up blog when things end. Poor guy. He’s the real victim.

2. I can hide this blog like Mr. Rochester hid his wife. Hopefully it won’t burn my house down. Sure, he might wonder what I am always writing and giggling to myself on the computer about but I’m hoping I can claim some sort of celebrity gossip addiction. And I’ll be all “O.M.G. did you know that Beyonce has a secret Uncle who invented the cell-phone charger?? Scandalous! And Perez Hilton drew a penis on his face. Hahahah!” and then he’ll be like “Oh.”  and leave me alone to write my hilarious blogs. But what if he finds out about my blog??? Then we have to have an awkward conversation that he will probably read about on my blog the next day.

All my options lead to uncomfortable break-ups. Can anyone think of a third option?? That doesn’t end awkwardly? No?? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

The truth is, I love this blog. I love writing it and I love my readers. But at the end of the day, my hot-tub of crazy is something you need to get used to a little at a time- if someone just jumps in they will be cooked alive. Reading this blog would be like jumping in head-first into my hot-tub of crazy. Basically, this blog is like TMI on crack.

I’m screwed.

Flirtation Failure- The Facebook Dilemma

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Flirt Magazine Flirtation Failure

So- as it turns out, I’m not always a hopeless fool when it comes to flirting. (I will give you a minute to let that sink in)

The truth is, occasionally, I can spin some mad game. It’s just the failures far outnumber the victories- although the victories are Rudy-esque, complete with people carrying me off a football field in triumph. So, while predominantly hopeless, I have had a glimmer of flirtation genius here and there. In fact, I recently flirted quite successfully. (I think I should be clear that by “success” I mean I didn’t hide in a closet, fail to speak, or brutally insult anyone. Yay me!) Then- of course, a problem arose- we weren’t in a situation where getting my digits was appropriate- so, assuming he did, in fact, want my number (which there is no guarantee he actually did… really the more I think about it the more embarrassed I am because now I’m pretty sure he thought I was a hideous troll with a chalky personality- oh geez- I made a fool out of myself didn’t I??? Awww, man. That sucks) ANYWAY- let’s just pretend he did want my number but couldn’t ask for it in that particular situation- how was this guy supposed to get in-touch with me??? The answer to that question for most people would be- Facebook. Facebook has made it possible for you to get better acquainted with just about any random person you meet. Except, I’m not on Facebook. I got off Facebook over a year ago (with good reason) and have never once regretted that decision until now. Now, I’m thinking “Way to take yourself back to the stone-age Girl on the Contrary. Now you will never see that guy again and all that flirtation foundation was totally wasted. You are a major stupidhead.” Was deleting my Facebook account just another example of my failures in flirting??

I don’t know. I really don’t. My reason for deleting my Facebook account was rock-solid, and I don’t regret doing it. It was necessary-  it is still necessary. So what’s a girl to do? I guess nothing. I guess I just have to leave it to serendipity and hope that I will have another wave of flirtation brilliance sometime when it won’t go to waste. What a life.

And now I’m thinking, “Facebook??? Really GotC? You should be embarrassed. I can’t believe you even considered that. You let your moderate flirtation success go to your head and it made you completely lame. And in case you forgot, your mission in life is NOT to be lame. Lame. Lame. Lame. You were actually willing to let Facebook be an acceptable substitute for a guy stepping up and just asking for your number? Because it’s not. It’s not an acceptable substitute. For shame Girl on the Contrary. For shame.”

And now I’m thinking, that I did, in fact, make a giant fool out of myself. And NO WAY was that guy interested. And now, Im reading “He’s Just Not That Into You.” You see? I never feel rejected by the broom closets. Why, oh why, did I abandon my brilliant broom closet plan? It was golden.

Advice? Anyone? Bueller…..? Bueller…….?

I Should Have Known….

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“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. “ -Oscar Wilde

You know how, when you’re talking to your friends about past relationships, you have that moment when you say “Yeah, I should have known”? Well, I have a lot of those. Sure, hindsight is 20/20 , but there are definitely some things that should have made me end the relationship immediately. And sure, I could probably think of myself as “foolish” for sticking around but I prefer to think of it as “research” for my book on relationships. Also, most of my “I should have known.” moments are absolutely hilarious and I’m really happy I wrote them a lot of them down.

Here are some of my best “I should have known” moments with my commentary. Because these moments beg to be commented on. You’re welcome.

I should have known…..

* When he told me he didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed and that all the dinosaur bones people find are fakes planted by the governments of the world. Finally! The truth is revealed! I think you should travel the world and spread your “truthitude”. No, no. Don’t worry about me. I’ll carry on without you somehow.

* When he claimed that the JFK assassination wasn’t “that big a deal”.  I’m afraid to ask what you think a “big deal” is. I’m going to back away slowly and hope you don’t notice when I’m gone.

* When he said he didn’t like Kurt Vonnegut. Oh? You didn’t like Slaughter-House Five? Really? No, seriously? Yeah….we’re breaking up.

* When he wanted to stay in and play a game he created that consisted of throwing a plastic water bottle across a room into a large trash can. He called it  ”Water bottle fun.” It’s not fun. You know what’s fun? Just about anything else.

* When he created a nickname for my nickname. That was the opposite of necessary. I’m both impressed and annoyed. Well played sir.

* When he played me a song on his guitar that was about the girlfriend before me. Wow. I can’t wait until we break-up and you write a song about me for your next girlfriend. I’m sure she will love it!

*When he claimed he was related to a fictional movie character. (He thought the guy existed in real life.) Really! That is very impressive. Especially because that person never existed. You must have access to another realm where things that don’t exist live. I bet you also own a pet unicorn.

* When he said ” I just want you to love me.” before we started dating and after he had just gotten off the phone with the other girl he was dating. Yeah, that seems like something you should say much later or you know, not at all. I’m ok with not at all. Also- how’s your other lady-friend? Good. Oh swell. I’m happy to hear that.

* When he said studying history was a “waste of time” because the world was probably going to end soon anyway. Huh. You don’t say. Although, if that’s true- and I’m sure it is- then isn’t studying anything a “waste of time”. I mean, except for studying how to keep the world from ending obviously.

* When he pronounced macabre as ma-cab-ray. Nope. Not how you say that. No, no. Don’t argue. It’s really not how you say that. Ok, fine. Keep saying it that way. In fact, use that word a lot more often. People will be impressed.

* When he claimed the pyramids in Egypt were probably an “optical illusion”. Really? If by “optical illusion you mean, actual physical structure made of stone. Then yes, the pyramids are an “optical illusion.”

* When he thought the North Pole was a fictional place. Santa might not be real but the North Pole is definitely a real place. Really, really, real.

* When he said “Majoring in science is like majoring in fiction.” Umm….no. Not so much. Also- have you met my Dad? The scientist?

You must all be so jealous of me right now. I mean, I dated a guy who didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed. Of course, in these fellows defense- they all had some very nice redeeming qualities. And I definitely don’t regret dating them. Seriously. I have like, a million hilarious stories because of these guys. And I’m sure they have a million hilarious stories about me. Turn-around is fair play after all. Unfortunately for them, I pretty much tell all of my hilarious/humiliating stories to you anyway- beat you to the punch suckas!. Besides, I promise to call each and every one of them out by name as a way of thanking them in my book. Just kidding.  I don’t even remember their names. I plan on numbering them in the order I dated them and call them Boyfriend 1, Boyfriend 2, Boyfriend 3, etc. Numbers are way more *romantic*.

* While numbers may in fact be more “romantic”, I actually do remember my ex-boyfriends names. Most of them. Like at least 82% of them. :)

* Also, the commentary I provided was current day me. Past me would have said things like “Interesting.”  or the always clever “Oh. Ok.”

Feel free to share your “I should have known” moments!

Did Jane Austen Date?

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Jane Austen

What are you trying to tell me Jane Austen??!!

In an effort to be better at dating, I read a book called Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating. I have a lot of respect for Jane Austen so my initial thought was, “Hey, who better to give me dating advice?” But as I read through all the book, I began to have grave doubts. I mean, did Jane Austen even date??? I don’t think so because that would have been highly uncommon during her lifetime- and by “uncommon” I mean she would have been called a whore. Sure, her novels are the epitome of romance but what does that have to do with modern dating? Nevertheless, I pressed on and finished the book in the hopes of discovering one shred of applicable advice. This is what I learned.

I am a “Jane”. There is a quiz at the back of the book that tells you which of Austen’s characters you most resemble. Apparently I am Jane Bennet. Which I think means I am super beautiful and shy. But, do they even know what I look like? I mean, what if I started walking around like I was a beautiful Jane  but in reality I was a homely Charlotte Lucas? That would be terribly embarrassing. And, if I am indeed a “Jane” does that mean I’m waiting for a Bingley? Because, I’m pretty sure all the Bingleys are dead. In which case, I’m screwed. Is that what you are trying to tell me Ms. Austen? Am I doomed? Also, this was a pretty cowardly way of telling me. You could have just haunted me until I got the message like any decent ghost with a message from beyond would do. And even if a Bingley still existed, what did he do for a living? I mean, I know he was rich but did he have a job? I need someone with a job. Is that asking too much? Is that what Jane Austen is trying to tell me??? I mean, I read this book but I have yet to discern what Jane Austen was trying to tell me- Girl on the Contrary (as I’m assuming this book was written only for me). Here are my best guesses.

1. Girl on the Contrary, your love-life is truly doomed. Accept it now and live your life as best you can.

2. Girl on the Contrary, the love of your life won’t have a job. You will have to support him. Enjoy never being able to retire.

3. Girl on the Contrary, I’m dead. What do I know about modern dating?

4. Girl on the Contrary, stop reading books and start going on dates. This is common sense. Why do I have to explain it?

5. Girl on the Contrary, there are loads of hot guys in the afterlife. I’m just sayin.

6. Girl on the Contrary, if I had dated, I would have been called a whore. Count your lucky stars. You whore.

I don’t know. This has actually made dating a lot harder because I am caught up in the mystery of what Jane Austen is trying to tell me from the beyond and don’t really have time to date with all the seances and ouija board conversations. I haven’t connected with Ms. Austen yet but I did have a lovely conversation with someone I believe to either be a kindly spirit or a demon. Time will tell.

Give Me Nachos Or Give Me Death!

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Nachos

Here’s the thing. I went to a hockey game last week. Well, that’s not the thing but it seemed strange enough to leave as it’s own sentence. The thing was that I was going with a large group of people and many of those people were cute and uber-smart guys and the game was at dinner-time. Here’s what happened next.

Me: I can’t wait to get some delicious nachos at the game!

They who shall remain nameless: What?! There are going to be lots of cute guys there. You don’t want to have nacho fingers.

Me: You must be kidding me. I would never, never, sacrifice my love of nachos for the love of a man.

They who shall remain nameless: Yeah, but you put lots of jalapenos on your nachos- you’ll have jalapeno breath.

Me: Jalapenos are the best part of nachos. I can’t even believe you’re saying this right now. If I can’t have nachos with lots of fake cheese and jalapenos and have a boyfriend at the same time then I choose nachos. I choose nachos every time.

They who shall remain nameless: Really?

Me: Yes! Give me nachos or give me death. I don’t want a man if it means I can’t eat nachos. It’s like the easiest choice I will ever have to make. Nachos win.

They who shall remain nameless: Fine.

I mean, c’mon. Give up my nachos??? I think not. Not even Mr. Alan Alda could pry my hands away from nachos. What are some of the things you aren’t willing to give-up for love? (Think Meatloaf “I would do anything for love. Anything you’ve been dreaming of. But I won’t do that.)

P.S. Also, as it turns out, I like hockey. Who knew?

Pick-Up Lines That Would NOT Work On Me.

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NO. JUST NO. NOPE. UH UH.

NOT HAPPENING.

 

Yesterday, I shared all of the pick-up lines that would definitely work on me. So today, I thought it was really important to share the pick-up lines that would NOT work on me. I’m nothing if not fair and balanced. I’m all about balance. Also, I don’t want any of you to think I’m easy. Or slutty, which I guess means the same thing as easy.

1. Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world? Um yes, I did just rock your world- with my rejection.

2. I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true. That’s impossible. If you’re not a genie then there is no way you can make my dreams come true. That’s just logic.

3. Baby you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems. I really hate math. Also, I’m not that great at it so I’m probably not going to solve any of your problems. How can I say this……you+me=incompatible. Comprende?

4. If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib. I don’t eat meat so…….thanks for playing. Better luck next time.

5. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. Really? That’s all you would change? Talk about no imagination.

6. Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart. Boy, you just said the exactly wrong thing. Walk away. Just walk away.

7. Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend. That’s crazy because you look a lot like that guy who is going to wish he hadn’t approached me with that line.

8. Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here. Yes, I am lost. Can you tell me how get back? Earth sucks. I miss Heaven.

9. Like the sheets on your bed, I want to cover you with love. My sheets want to cover me with love? Wow, they never said anything. This changes everything.

10. Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only TEN I see. I’m from Texas. Tejas baby. You better recognize.

There are loads more and I would love to hear some of your worst (or best depending on how you see it) pick-up lines! Let’s make the internet uncomfortable people.

Flirtation Failure: Deadline October.

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Flirt Magazine

Love and Laffs don't mix???!! I'm screwed.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you guys that I haven’t been practicing flirting. I am still a flirtation failure. I sort of smiled(ish) at a guy not too long ago if that counts for anything. No? It doesn’t? Oh. Ok.

So- I’m starting over at trying to be less of a complete and total goofball at flirting (and by goofball I mean coward). And now, I have more motivation than ever- a wedding in October that I have been instructed to “bring a +1….or else”  I’m pretty sure the “or else” is  one of the following options.

A) Taking care of drunk family members at the wedding

B) Being forced to sing “Single Ladies” at the wedding

C) Having to sit at the kids table and all the kids have boyfriends and girlfriends and then I have to admit I’m the “loser” at the kids table.

D) Being forced to watch movies about aliens until I pass out in fear and then when I wake up I realize that flirting isn’t nearly as scary. But that’s a really hard way to learn.

E) Be set-up on a blind wedding date. (Now that’s scary)

Obviously, I don’t want any of these things to happen. This gives me motivation to start flirting (shudder) and hopefully, fingers crossed, find myself a +1 to take to my friends wedding.

Ok- I have the motivation but what I’m lacking is the skills to make this happen. I mean, I can “practice” all day long  but if I’m not doing the right things, then it’s sort of just reaffirming bad habits. What I need from you people is advice. I know I got a lot of flirting advice in my first Flirtation Failure but it was sort of overwhelming and mixed in was a lot of “Flirting is so easy, it’s like riding a bike” and I happen to be really scared of bike riding so that just confirmed my suspicion that flirting is actually terrifying. I need help. Sure, I need help on lot’s of things (i.e. the bike riding) but flirting help is priority right now because I have a deadline looming and even though I love singing “Single Ladies” in my car, I don’t fancy doing it at a wedding. Help me, readers of Girl on the Contrary, you’re my only hope!

Flirtation Failure: The Series III

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Flirt Magazine

I couldn't pull this off. True Story.

So, here we are again. Chronicling my failed attempts at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Cute Guy At Starbucks. I maybe stalked this guy a little bit. Not in the scary, collect his hair and make a doll out of it kind of way, but more in the I just went to Starbucks every day kind of way. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks everyday to see him and spend ridiculous amounts of money on only ok coffee, it turns out he doesn’t like girls. End of story. I am, however, counting this as a victory because I managed to work up enough courage to go there and see him everyday- usually I would avoid places with hot guys because of my hot guy phobia. I overcame a fear here people. Kudos to me.

Picture it: Sunday lunch with my parents and we are being served by a hot somehow French waiter. I actually got to the restaurant before my parents did. He approaches the table and I’m thinking “Hold it together girl, be nice, smile, make eye contact.  Get your game face on!  You can do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I would like to drink. I order a very sexy iced tea. And then I smile while making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles back while making eye contact. I freeze and quickly look down. Ok, minor points deducted but the game isn’t over yet. My parents arrive. Usually, I would take this opportunity to hide behind my conversations with them in order to not have to look at or speak to a hot waiter. Not this time. This time, I keep smiling. I keep making eye contact. I basically dominated the flirting baby-steps. Sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or arranged anything coming even close to resembling a date- but I dominated the baby-steps people! If this were a flirting class I would have gotten a D+ instead of an F. I consider that a victory. Huzzah!

Cute guy passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He comes to the door and ask for me by name. Sure, I wasn’t there at the time. Sure, he was only reading my name off a list because I had supported this candidate in the past. Sure, I couldn’t actually have flirted with him since, you know, I wasn’t even there. But I still consider this a win. Had I been there, I’m pretty sure I would have dominated this flirting situation because we would  have been talking about politics which is an area I happen to have quite a bit of confidence in. This flirting situation was made for me. If only I had actually been there.

Overall, I think I did somehow ok this last month in the flirting department. My focus this month will be mastering the baby-steps and then trying to figure out what comes after the baby-steps. Suggestions are always welcome.

Oh yeah! I also created a pretty accurate test to tell if a guy and I are compatible. It is as follows.

Cute Guy: So, are you dating anyone?

Me: No, the only guy in my life at the moment is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he gets the reference and also likes Kurt Vonnegut then we are compatible. If he gets the reference but hasn’t ever read Kurt Vonnegut then we might be compatible. If he get the reference but doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we probably aren’t compatible. If he doesn’t get the reference at all then I will just walk away. No way can I date a guy who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

Hopeless, Pitiful, Discount Prostitute

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Sad Face

This is what I feel like. Only funnier. And less pathetic. I guess this isn't really what I feel like at all.

Somehow in the course of a conversation with a good friend (who has now been demoted to being “that guy”) I was called a hopeless, pitiful, discount prostitute. Let me explain….

Hopeless. Apparently if everything anyone says immediately reminds you of something lyrical or literary you are hopeless. This came about when we were discussing hip replacements and the first two things that came to my mind were “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira and “Hip Hop Hooray—- Ho Hey—- Ho” from that rap song I can’t remember the name of. I was singing these all day. Also, I may have begun a rendition of “Defying Gravity” from Wicked for no reason whatsoever other than I love that song. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about the book. All of this makes me hopeless. This is a lesson I learned today.

Pitiful- I don’t mind going to the movies by myself. That makes me pitiful. I didn’t know that. I thought I was just being independent and not letting my solitary status hold me back from doing things I want to do. “If I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free” -oops there I go being hopeless again. Back to being pitiful, I don’t really think I am. Although I guess people who see me at movies by myself think I am. Apparently. This was all news to me.

Discount Prostitute- I don’t like expensive dates. According to “that guy” formerly “good friend” this makes me a discount prostitute. Except I don’t really think it does. At all. Also, I don’t think he actually said this as much as implied it. He didn’t actually call me a discount prostitute but it felt like he did. It felt like he was judging me with judging eyes and thinking very poorly of my character. Except he wasn’t. I may be being a bit dramatic. Especially because I asked him if he was calling me a discount prostitute and he was appalled I thought that. I was appalled he didn’t realize that saying “she’s cheap” could easily be mistaken for “she’s a discount prostitute”. Anyway, I probably shouldn’t hold this one against him. But I’m pretty sure he meant it the way I took it even if he didn’t know he meant it that way.

Begrudgingly, I am letting him off the hook for “discount prostitute” because I have a very generous and forgiving heart. However, “pititful” and “hopeless” will still be held against him. Because I’m not those things. Except this was kind of the highlight conversation of my day so maybe I am pitiful and hopeless. Alas.

DNR the DTR

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The DTR  is the most awkward, nerve-racking, and above all else, pointless conversation you will ever have in your life. Seriously. I have had too many of these plague-like discussions and I would like to share what wisdom I have gained so that you won’t have to go through the same torture I did. This is really nice of me. You’re welcome.

DTR- Defining the Relationship

I think DTR is only 1 letter away from DNR for a reason- these talks should not be resuscitated. Ever. Ever. I will explain/examine them, even though it brings back cringe-worthy memories- again, this is really nice of me. This is the talk you have with your maybe-boyfriend or maybe-girlfriend when you aren’t sure how you are supposed to refer to them. Perhaps you have been dating/making-out and it’s been several weeks or even months (gag). You don’t know if you are in a relationship or not. Because things are royally screwed up in relationships these days. Because sometimes it seems casual and sometimes it seems serious and you just don’t know what is going on. I’m going to just be brutal here- what this really means is that this person is playing you-

p-l-a-y-i-n-g  y-o-u. For shiz. Nevertheless, you aren’t willing to face the brutality of the truth and so you work up your courage (and it does take a lot of courage) and ask them how you should define your relationship. DTR. (Side note- I’m pretty sure all of the players/douche-bags had a huge convention where they created something called a DTR that was designed solely to mess with you- this is the douche bags crowning achievement) In this conversation things such as this are said “You really mean a lot to me, I’m just in a weird place.” or “You’re my girl/guy , we don’t need labels to make that any more true.”-  there are a million variations of these statements. They are all equally douchy and they all mean the same thing- they like hanging out with you but either a) don’t like you enough to be in a relationship with you. or b) like hanging out with you but don’t want to be tied-up in case anything better comes along.

This conversation will trick you. It will trick you into continuing this weird parallel-universe relationship where everything is twisted and confusing (and not in the good Alice in Wonderland kind of way). Also, this conversation will exhaust you and cause you incredible amounts of stress, anxiety, and in my case, nausea. You will spend days/weeks going over it again and again. You will feel alternately happy and angry. Such is the fallout from a DTR.

I will mention that there is a mysterious type of DTR that results in an actual relationship. I heard about it once. From a guy who knew a girl who knew another girl who knew a guy whose cousin was friends with someone who this happened to.

Do not let the DTR happen to you. It truly is a miserable and vomit-inducing experience. Want proof? Fine. Here is the exaggerated totally accurate re-creating of one of my DTRs.

GirlontheContrary: So, what are you thinking? In terms of what we are to each other?

DoucheBag: You are so cute.

GirlontheContrary: Thanks.

——-Long Pause——–

GirlontheContrary: So there is still a question waiting to be answered here.

DoucheBag: I really like you a lot. You are so funny and sweet. I just want to make sure I’m in a place where I can be good enough for you.

GirlontheContrary: Ok, so you don’t think you are good enough for me now?

DoucheBag: Things are just really crazy right now. We have something special. I have never felt this way- we don’t really need to put labels on what we are.

GirlontheContrary: I label everything.

DoucheBag: I consider us to be together.

GirlontheContrary: So, I’m like, your girlfriend?

DoucheBag: In a way.

GirlontheContrary: So, I’m your girlfriend but also not your girlfriend? Do I have multiple personalities?

DoucheBag: You’re so cute.

GirlontheContrary: Yes. I think you mentioned that earlier.

DoucheBag: Let’s just take it slow and see where this goes.

GirlontheContrary: So, several months of dating limbo isn’t taking it slow? Are you not as equally confused as I am?

DoucheBag: I just want to make sure we really know each other before jumping into something.

GirlontheContrary: Aha. Yes, that is much more clear and not at all vague and shady. So, I’m going to leave now and probably not come back to this place.

DoucheBag: Don’t you want to hang out some more?

GirlontheContrary: (Condescendingly) You are so cute.

End scene. Truthfully I was a lot more awesome in that dialogue than in real life. In real life he totally had me at “you’re cute” and I let him toy with my emotions for a few more weeks before I cut him out of my life. Not proud of that but there it is. This is the way 99% of DTRs go. One person is always more committed than the other. Always. One person is always leading on the other . Always. If you have to have a DTR this is why, because someone isn’t giving you the time/effort/commitment you deserve. If you are with the right person at the right time, you won’t have to have a DTR- you will just be in a committed relationship with one another. There will be no need to discuss or analyze it. This is all really good advice. I’m pretty sure none of you will take it, but it’s still really good advice.

So, my new slogan for all my dating friends (and myself) is DNR the DTR. If you use this slogan you owe me your first born child because I will have saved you from a world of anxiety and emotional masochism. If it’s a boy, name him Otis, if it’s a girl, name her Pearl. I promise to take good care of him/her. I also expect to have like 50 kids if everyone holds up their end of the bargain.

*Note- Please don’t send me your children. I was being hyperbolic. But you definitely owe me something.

*Note- when I say “player” or “douche-bag” I mean boys and girls. Let’s be honest ladies, we can be douche bags too.