Sometimes, when I’m talking and a bug flies into my mouth, I like to think that’s God’s way of saying “Hey. Maybe you should shut up.”
I’m still waiting for The Spice Girls to tell me what they want, want they really really want. Because I refuse to believe that ah-zig-ah-zig-ah is all they are really, really really after.
My phone auto-corrected “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and I was like “Man I wish.”
But it got me to thinking, how would pancakes attack you? I assume sticky syrup is involved….
And then I kept thinking about it and figured out that maybe pancakes are ALREADY attacking us because of heart disease and cholesterol. Well played pancakes. Well played.
I’m pretty sure the most important parenting decision Captain Thoughtful and I will ever make it when to start reading Harry Potter to our children….
The truth is, I’m EXACTLY the type of person who buys travel size candles.
Hey. Basketball commentators, as March Madness is fast approaching, I have some advice for you. Don’t say “penetrate” and “bang” in the same sentence unless you want to completely distract your audience from the basketball. If you DO want to distract your audience from actually watching the basketball then you should totally do that because it’s hilarious every time you do. Which is a lot. I’m not sure you get the joke but there is definitely a joke there.
I think it’s really dumb to have Fat Tuesday two days before Valentine’s Day. It’s like, what if I gave up chocolate for Lent? Then everyone is just eating chocolate in my face like a bunch of jerkface temptation monsters. I mean, I can’t believe Pope Gregory XIII didn’t think of this possibility when he made the calendar. He must not have been a chocolate lover.
Anyway, I didn’t give up chocolate. I just think it would have really sucked if I had.
In the order in which they were thought….
1. “Led Zeppelin never won one of these? Really?!”
2. “New life goal- to win a “Best New Artist” Grammy for my spoken word album.”
3. ” I could totally do this. But probably not.”
And that’s pretty much how my Sunday night went.