Sometimes, when I’m talking and a bug flies into my mouth, I like to think that’s God’s way of saying “Hey. Maybe you should shut up.”

I’m still waiting for The Spice Girls to tell me what they want, want they really really want. Because I refuse to believe that ah-zig-ah-zig-ah is all they are really, really really after.

I’m pretty sure the most important parenting decision Captain Thoughtful and I will ever make it when to start reading Harry Potter to our children….

These are my “Bet you can’t guess what my family and I are doing right now because it’s possibly top secret and involves mystery” jazz hands.

Hey. Basketball commentators, as March Madness is fast approaching, I have some advice for you. Don’t say “penetrate” and “bang” in the same sentence unless you want to completely distract your audience from the basketball. If you DO want to distract your audience from actually watching the basketball then you should totally do that because it’s hilarious every time you do. Which is a lot. I’m not sure you get the joke but there is definitely a joke there.

These are my “Puppies can do jazz hands too!” jazz hands.

Seriously though, I really want a dog.

Also, are both of these dogs haunted? I mean, look at the eyes. I couldn’t even fix those in photoshop. It’s like the ghosts wouldn’t let me……

I think it’s really dumb to have Fat Tuesday two days before Valentine’s Day. It’s like, what if I gave up chocolate for Lent? Then everyone is just eating chocolate in my face like a bunch of jerkface temptation monsters. I mean, I can’t believe Pope Gregory XIII didn’t think of this possibility when he made the calendar. He must not have been a chocolate lover.

Anyway, I didn’t give up chocolate. I just think it would have really sucked if I had.