Tag Archives: birds

Killer Birds!!!

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scary crow

Devil bird.

I was just sitting in my fourth floor office, working away like the little worker bee I am when all of the sudden a huge scary face appeared in my window. My heart skipped a beat, I jumped about a mile in the air, and an almost inaudible screech escaped my lips. I was startled to say the least. Luckily, reason soon returned and I realized quickly it couldn’t be a face in the window- I work on the fourth floor. Unless someone has jumped a few steps in evolution and is now capable of flying there is no way a face could be in my window. Or you know, I guess it could have been a window-washer but flying makes for a much better story. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter since it wasn’t a person at all, I’m just saying a flying person would be cool.

What that scary face actually was, was a devil crow bent on my destruction. That bird was so scary it actually scared the hell into me instead of out of me. And it just kept coming back and flying right at my window and terrifying me. This bird was like super smart/evil. It was using my peripheral vision against me. It’s like the devil crow knew I could only catch a quick view of it and that I might misinterpret that quick view as something like an evil floating face, or ghost, or evil sprite. Which, by the way, are all really reasonable conclusions to jump to when images of things appear in your window. And the devil crow knew this. It knew me. It knew all my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams and was trying to use them against me. Like Freddy Krueger uses dreams against people to kill them. That’s Freddy Krueger right? I don’t really watch scary movies because my imagination is already pretty overactive and a little twisted and I don’t really need to add more things to freak myself out with. The point is that the devil bird was some kind of evil genius bird that for some reason unbeknownst to me was hell-bent on scaring me to death. And maybe possessing my soul. I’m not too clear on the details.

The worst part was the devil bird brought friends. More and more evil birds flew at my window. And now I think I’m cursed. I mean, that many devil birds outside your office window means you’re cursed right? I’m totally cursed. These birds want blood. My blood. Aw geez. This is bad you guys. Death by killer devil birds.

The Birds

Not even Alfred Hitchcock could figure out a way for me to get out of this. I’m doomed.

Something About Decapitating Your Lover Seems Wrong.

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So, I’ve been watching a lot of Discovery Channel (uh, last week was Shark Week- duh.) and Animal Planet. I’ve come to the conclusion that nature is really cruel and sometimes super gross. I mean, I definitely still love nature and I really love being out in it I just don’t want to see it that close anymore. This is one of those “ignorance is bliss” moments.

Take the female Praying Mantis. She takes a lover- then afterward decapitates him. She chews (or chops or something) his head off! And it’s like, sheesh, he can’t have been that bad. Also, I can’t figure out if he knows it’s coming or not. Like does he know that after the sex he is going to DIE? Because if he knows, well then fair play. But if he doesn’t…something about it just seems wrong. Because, why does he have to die? Can’t she just hit it and quit it? Why death? Nature is confusing and brutal.

Praying Mantis Eating Her Mate

She is EATING her lover!! I bet they didn't mention that on her eHarmony profile.

I also saw this episode where a small lion-like creature ( I wasn’t really paying attention to the name) attacked this really pretty seemingly defenseless bird. And it’s like- hey you big jerk lion pick on someone your own size and leave the pretty bird alone. But then right after that they showed that pretty bird murdering a snake or something and so I guess it wasn’t that defenseless.

Is anyone else really worried about the circle of violence in nature? No one? No? Just me? Fair enough. And I know it’s nature and we aren’t supposed to really mess with it and just let it be but maybe there could be like etiquette classes for animals where they learn that is isn’t nice to brutally murder each other. And also you could teach them how to serve tea because that would be a pretty amazing trick.

So- I think I’m sort of done with watching these shows because they just make me feel really sad about the state of the world. It just seems like if praying mantis couples, who seem like they have everything going for them, can’t make it then no one can. Alas.