Algebra Is My Voldemort

So, I’ve been somewhat absent lately and it’s all algebras fault. I’m studying for the GRE because I want to go back to school and get my Masters degree and make a big career change. The only thing standing in my way is algebra. Algebra is my Voldemort.

I used to be fairly decent at it – you know, 13 years ago when I took my last algebra class. But as soon as I completed that class, someone cast an obliviate spell on me and I can’t remember any of it. So, I am trying to relearn algebra but I keep getting distracted and bored and basically all I want to do is read Harry Potter (in case you couldn’t tell).

Any tips, spells, or strategies would be appreciated. Or, if any of you are really good hackers and can just give me a good GRE math score, I would be willing to offer you a lifetime supply of high-fives. Kthanks!

My Phone Is Trolling Me

The other day, I kept trying to text “run” and my auto-correct kept changing it to “rum”. Which, at first I thought was hilarious because I was like “My phone knows me so well! I never run but I am all about that rum!” But then I thought, “Wait a minute – is my phone trolling me? Is it trying to tell me that I don’t exercise enough and that it can’t even conceive of a situation where I would intend to write “run” instead of “rum”?”

You know what phone? Maybe you forgot that I also have a fitness app on you – that I regularly use.  If you paid attention, you would know that I *do* work out. I do. A lot. Maybe you don’t think Pilates is equal to running but some of us have a bad knee because we were in a terrible car accident so its painful to run. How about that phone? You look like a real b-hole now.

 

Always Bring Enough Ice To Parties

Overheard at the grocery store…

Dude 1: Bro, you didn’t need to buy two bags of ice.

Dude 2: If you are asked to bring ice, and you don’t bring enough, you look like a f%&kin asshole.

Captain Thoughtful: Truer words were never spoken.

 

Y’all, always bring enough ice to the party. Always.

Needed: Squirrel Prenatal Vitamins

So, our pet squirrel is pregnant. I mean, she isn’t really our pet except that she eats in our yard everyday and we feed her and she walks up to our door to let us know when she is there and she isn’t scared of us at all. And she has a name. So, kind of our pet? Our pseudo-pet?

Anyway it doesn’t matter because she got knocked up (probably because we let her run all over the neighborhood doing who knows what kind of depraved sexual acts with strange male squirrels. Or maybe she just has a boo. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. And anyway, I don’t really know how squirrels handle procreation so I shouldn’t judge.) Regardless, Sam the Squirrel is pregnant and though we feed her a wide variety of nuts, I am concerned that her baby(ies?) aren’t getting the vitamins and nutrition they need. Are squirrel prenatal vitamins a thing? Are there any veterinarians who follow this blog who can advise me how to be a good squirrel midwife?

I don’t want to mess this up y’all, Sam is counting on me.

Yay We Are Nerds!

While walking out of an awesome sporting goods store….

Me: That place is so great! It doesn’t look like much but then you go in and wham! It’s like the Tardis, bigger on the inside than it is on the out.

Captain Thoughtful: I was thinking it was more like the magically enhanced tents used in Harry Potter.

Me: Equally nerdy responses! We’re the best! High five!

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

Every time something is on TV that makes me uncomfortable (which is so many things y’all) I run out of the room and/or cover my eyes and ears so as ot to have to witness it.

So, I guess my question is, WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN DOING THIS IN REAL LIFE SITUATIONS?? Consider this strategy implemented. If you are ever talking to me and I suddenly run out of the room, or close my eyes and cover my ears, it means you’ve done something to make me uncomfortable and should apologize to me immediately and also buy me some French fries.

Well That Was Terrifying

Last week, Captain Thoughtful and I were leaving the grocery store when we heard someone shout “Fire in the hole!” My first instinct was to take cover of course, but then we heard them shout it again, so I felt that running for my life was the better option. I think I chose well.

Nothing seemed to happen and I guess it was a prank? I don’t know, it sounded serious to me and Captain Thoughtful once had firecrackers shot at him (AT HIM) in Lincoln so I guess that’s something we have to be constantly vigilant about here?

Anyway, it was terrifying and totally not worth the potato peeler we were there to buy.

 

 

Someday

Someday, I am going to learn that eating half of a watermelon makes my tummy hurt. That day was not last Monday. Or last Wednesday. Or last Friday.

Someday, I am going to remember that one cup of coffee gives me a good boost, but two cups of coffee makes me a complete and total spaz who randomly starts clapping to release some of that energy.

Or you know, probably I won’t ever do these things and they can be adorable quirks that people talk about fondly. Right? Like, “GotC always eat too much watermelon? Isn’t that precious?” or “You can always tell when GotC has had two cups of coffee because she just randomly starts clapping – it’s adorable!”

And those will be facts on my Wikipedia page that people who don’t know me read and are like “Wow! She’s just like me! I should buy her book!”

Also, someday I will write a book and have a Wikipedia page.