Why is it that people you have been waiting for all day (electricians, plumbers, cable workers, etc.) always knock on your door right when you start to go to the bathroom?
Is there some dark magic at play? Or is my bladder just a jerk who likes to play annoying pranks on me?
Overheard at the grocery store…
Dude 1: Bro, you didn’t need to buy two bags of ice.
Dude 2: If you are asked to bring ice, and you don’t bring enough, you look like a f%&kin asshole.
Captain Thoughtful: Truer words were never spoken.
Y’all, always bring enough ice to the party. Always.
So, our pet squirrel is pregnant. I mean, she isn’t really our pet except that she eats in our yard everyday and we feed her and she walks up to our door to let us know when she is there and she isn’t scared of us at all. And she has a name. So, kind of our pet? Our pseudo-pet?
Anyway it doesn’t matter because she got knocked up (probably because we let her run all over the neighborhood doing who knows what kind of depraved sexual acts with strange male squirrels. Or maybe she just has a boo. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. And anyway, I don’t really know how squirrels handle procreation so I shouldn’t judge.) Regardless, Sam the Squirrel is pregnant and though we feed her a wide variety of nuts, I am concerned that her baby(ies?) aren’t getting the vitamins and nutrition they need. Are squirrel prenatal vitamins a thing? Are there any veterinarians who follow this blog who can advise me how to be a good squirrel midwife?
I don’t want to mess this up y’all, Sam is counting on me.
While walking out of an awesome sporting goods store….
Me: That place is so great! It doesn’t look like much but then you go in and wham! It’s like the Tardis, bigger on the inside than it is on the out.
Captain Thoughtful: I was thinking it was more like the magically enhanced tents used in Harry Potter.
Me: Equally nerdy responses! We’re the best! High five!
Every time something is on TV that makes me uncomfortable (which is so many things y’all) I run out of the room and/or cover my eyes and ears so as ot to have to witness it.
So, I guess my question is, WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN DOING THIS IN REAL LIFE SITUATIONS?? Consider this strategy implemented. If you are ever talking to me and I suddenly run out of the room, or close my eyes and cover my ears, it means you’ve done something to make me uncomfortable and should apologize to me immediately and also buy me some French fries.
Last week, Captain Thoughtful and I were leaving the grocery store when we heard someone shout “Fire in the hole!” My first instinct was to take cover of course, but then we heard them shout it again, so I felt that running for my life was the better option. I think I chose well.
Nothing seemed to happen and I guess it was a prank? I don’t know, it sounded serious to me and Captain Thoughtful once had firecrackers shot at him (AT HIM) in Lincoln so I guess that’s something we have to be constantly vigilant about here?
Anyway, it was terrifying and totally not worth the potato peeler we were there to buy.
Someday, I am going to learn that eating half of a watermelon makes my tummy hurt. That day was not last Monday. Or last Wednesday. Or last Friday.
Someday, I am going to remember that one cup of coffee gives me a good boost, but two cups of coffee makes me a complete and total spaz who randomly starts clapping to release some of that energy.
Or you know, probably I won’t ever do these things and they can be adorable quirks that people talk about fondly. Right? Like, “GotC always eat too much watermelon? Isn’t that precious?” or “You can always tell when GotC has had two cups of coffee because she just randomly starts clapping – it’s adorable!”
And those will be facts on my Wikipedia page that people who don’t know me read and are like “Wow! She’s just like me! I should buy her book!”
Also, someday I will write a book and have a Wikipedia page.
Y’all, I think my laugh sounds just like Bellatrix Lestrange’s laugh.
This causes me great distress.
Last weekend, I spent half an hour (ok probably close to 1 hour) thinking about what Captain Americas favorite football team would be. After a lot of thought and some research, I’ve decided it would most likely be the New York Giants. Although, there was another New York football team, the Brooklyn Dodgers/Tigers (they changed the mascot in 1943) that he might have cheered for. I feel like Captain America is a Giants fan though.
I don’t know why this matters or why I spent so much time thinking about it and then writing a blog post about it, but there you have it.
Feel free to discuss in the comments.
I try really hard to make sure that spam doesn’t get published in the comments because spam is something that should be eaten while vacationing in Hawaii, not something that should show up on your blog. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to respond to those comments, some are so ridiculous that I can’t help but want to respond because I enjoy laughing at robots. Unless the robots do eventually take over one day, in that case, I was totally laughing *with* them and not at them.
Spam comment: You really stick it to the media in this post! Your take is biting. [redacted link for Viagra]
My imaginary response: This post is about farts. I’m not really the biting type, I learned not to bite in kindergarten and it’s one of those lessons that really stuck with me.
Spam comment: This article is not as hard hitting as it could have been. I am enjoying every article.
My imaginary response: Mixed messages. Did I used to date you?
Spam comment: Buy gold jewelry from [redacted link]
My imaginary response: Your mother.
Wow. That felt good. Very cathartic. In your robotic faces spam machines!