If I Responded To Spam….

I try really hard to make sure that spam doesn’t get published in the comments because spam is something that should be eaten while vacationing in Hawaii, not something that should show up on your blog. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to respond to those comments, some are so ridiculous that I can’t help but want to respond because I enjoy laughing at robots. Unless the robots do eventually take over one day, in that case, I was totally laughing *with* them and not at them.

Spam comment: You really stick it to the media in this post! Your take is biting. [redacted link for Viagra]

My imaginary response: This post is about farts. I’m not really the biting type, I learned not to bite in kindergarten and it’s one of those lessons that really stuck with me.

 

Spam comment: This article is not as hard hitting as it could have been. I am enjoying every article.

My imaginary response: Mixed messages. Did I used to date you?

 

Spam comment: Buy gold jewelry from [redacted link]

My imaginary response: Your mother.

 

Wow. That felt good. Very cathartic. In your robotic faces spam machines!

Pro Tip

If you’re out to brunch with friends and your husband farts but only you hear it, do NOT take a large sip of mimosa to cover your laughter because you will choke.

In fact, no matter what hilarious thing happens, NEVER drink something to cover your laughter because you will choke.

Laughter + Beverages = Choking Hazard

I Am AARP

A couple days ago, I an AARP card in the mail. My first instinct was to be offended – how the hell did I get on their list? Can they see my Amazon purchases and just made an assumption that someone who buys old movies, ginko biloba, and fancy olive oil should be a member of AARP?

Then, I thought a bit more about it. Doesn’t an AARP card get you like a million discounts on things?  Don’t I love discounts? Don’t I love coupons? Don’t I always try to make it to the early bird showing of movies? Aren’t I concerted about bone health and retirement and my investments?

I might be 29, but I AM AARP. Well played AARP, well played.

Kids Are Smart

Last night, Captain Thoughtful and I took a long walk because it has come to my attention that “Drinking a lot of red wine, but doing nothing else, will not prevent heart disease.” Whatever doc, just because you went to medical school doesn’t mean you get to tell my heart how to be healthy. The heart wants what it wants – which, in my case is red wine.  Anyway, we’re on this walk and a Dad and his son are sitting on their front porch. The Dad says “Why don’t you say hi son?” and his son, this brilliant possibly psychic kid says “No. They’re weird.”

He’s not wrong folks.

Ain’t No Party Like A Contrary Party Cause A Contrary Party Takes A Nap

Last week, Captain Thoughtful and I ate at a new restaurant. It’s not new in Lincoln, but we’ve never eaten there so it was new to us, which is pretty much every place in Lincoln since we just moved here. Anyway, I ordered a drink and it turned out to be a VERY large margarita. Like, way way larger than I thought it would be. Long story short, I got a little tipsy. So, I did what any 29 year old who get a little too tipsy at 5pm does.

I went home and took a nap.

Then, when I woke up, Captain Thoughtful and I watched a show about genealogy and then we went to bed.

I think I’m doing my late twenties wrong.

Life In Lincoln Week 2

Here are my thoughts on life in Lincoln week 2. They are terribly interesting and quite possibly world (my world) changing so pay close attention. If you are ever in Lincoln, these thoughts might save your life. Probably.

1. Tap water tastes pretty good here.

2. There has not been a day over 85 degrees since we got here. I have hardly used air conditioning at all and keep my windows open all day. I am making an effort to commit these glorious days to memory in hopes they will keep me warm during the bitterly cold winters.

3.Speaking of bitterly cold winters, apparently Lincoln is the 7th coldest city in the US. This bodes ill for me. Very ill, indeed. I might make human hibernation a thing in light of this.

4. The Green Gateau has delicious brunch with massive portion sizes and cheap mimosas. This is where you will find me on all Sundays from now on (your welcome stalkers, I just did like half your job for you).

5. The Farmer’s Market on Saturdays is LEGIT. Some might even venture to say it is too legit to quit. Unfortunately, it will quit in mid-October, but until then, all my produce, eggs, and cheese are farm fresh and delicious.

And thus concludes my second week in Lincoln. Stay tuned next week when I report back on my quest to find good Mexican food.