Did you know that just because a pizza has fancy ingredients on it doesn’t mean it’s healthy??!!!
Because that was a nasty shock to me.
I mean, if arugula, spinach, and goat cheese can’t make a pizza healthy, well then, friends I’m sorry to say pizza just can’t be healthy. Ever.
It’s a sad day for everyone. Feel free to take the day off work, go home, and mourn your loss. Tell your boss you have my permission, just be like really cool and confident about it and it will work. Probably.
Me: Captain Thoughtful! This puppy is perfect for us!!! I want him!
Captain Thoughtful: Oh yeah. I like him!
Me: I’m going to name him Legolas!
Captain Thoughtful: Nice. That’s perfect, I’ll call him “Lego”. (This guy I married loves Legos)
Me: Lego? You’re such a nerd.
Captain Thoughtful: Yes. That’s right. I’m the nerd.
Do NOT call me “Lego”
Sad ending to the story, Legolas was already adopted by the time we inquired and his new owners called him Waldo. A sad story indeed.
Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you play on the computer?
Me: Play on the computer? Play on the computer? I’m not playing on the computer. I’m working to expand my social reach so people will read my blog and then pay me to write for a living.
Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you work to expand your social reach so people will read your blog and pay you to write for a living?
Me: I’m blogging this.
Captain Thoughtful: So, was that a yes on the Spurs game….???
We ended up watching the Military History Channel. Did you know that one of George Washington’s Generals was once arrested for “wenching”? Because I was like “Sounds like his yankee doodle was dandy indeed.” And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Should I or should I not advertise on this blog?
I’ve always hesitated to do so because it’s y’all that matter the most to me. Your follows, your comments, your support. But also, getting paid to blog? That sounds nice.
So, I’m leaving it up to y’all.
Also, if you’re wondering why I’m not making this decision myself like an evil tyrant dictator without any care for my people, well then, let me share a short story with you.
Not so long ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I was completely awake. I turned to Captain Thoughtful and said “I don’t…you know, have a penis.” then I turned over and went back to sleep. There was no context or explanation for that comment. I honestly don’t know why I said it at all, because, obviously, he’s well aware.
Is that the person you want making major decisions for this blog?
I didn’t think so.
So, I got this spam comment yesterday.
“I want to clutch your rss.”
And it’s like, yeah, I know my RSS feed brings all the robots to the yard, but you might want to turn down your desperation spammer, because my RSS has standards and doesn’t just go for any desperate robot. You need to up your game.
Oh. You meant “ass” didn’t you?
Well friends, I’m a spectacular failure at being on a diet. (See how I put a positive word next to a negative one there? It was some trickery. Also, made me feel slightly better about the failure bit.)
Here is what my brain trying to convince itself to eat better/less sounds like…
Brain: I’m going to eat a salad for lunch with lots of yummy veggies! Yay!
Gollum Brain: Salads? Yes, salads are good but what it wants is the precious Tex-Mex. Enchiladases and chipses and salsases.
Brain: No! To lose the weight I need to eat better food.
Gollum Brain: Shut up! Shut up! Where would we be without the most deliciouses precious? BBQ is what’s needed for the hungries.
Gollum Brain: Donuts!
Gollum Brain: Actually, mangos are yummers. Eat those. AND THEN EAT CAKE.
Brain: No! We won’t do it! We won’t.
Gollum Brain: Oh yes we wills unless we want to get hangry (side note- that’s when you’re so hungry that you’re angry).
Brain: No! Not hangry. We have to be nice at work.
Gollum Brain: Then eat the french fries precious and be nice.
Yeah. That’s a real thing.
Occasionally, I have the pleasure of taking my Grammy and Popsie to pick up their medication from the pharmacy. It has never once failed to provide hilarity.
Grammy: Captain Thoughtful (he was driving) can you please stop by the pharmacy so we can pick up our prescriptions?
Captain Thoughtful: Of course!
Me: This is going to be awesome….
Captain Thoughtful: Why?
Me: You’ll see.
We arrive at the pharmacy.
Captain Thoughtful: We need to pick up prescriptions for Popsie…
Grammy: (Rolls down window in the back seat and begins to shout at pharmacist) And GRAMMY! I have a prescription too!
Pharmacist: Oh…..ok. Let me check.
Grammy: Captain Thoughtful, I think you flustered her.
Me: You don’t think it was the old lady yelling at her from the back seat that flustered her?
Pharmacist: Yes, I have two prescriptions for Popsie and one for Grammy.
Grammy: I suspected as much.
Me: You were suspicious that you had a prescription? Did you think they were hiding it?
Grammy: You never know….
One of the great tragedies of my life is that I have a love for gray t-shirts but a terrible fear of vivible sweat-stains.
Y’all. I have gained a LOT of happy weight since my wedding. Yay for the happy, boo for the weight, amiright? So, your girl is going on a diet, and like all things in my life, I’m going to chronicle it for laughs. Because that’s how I do.
A few nights ago, Captain Thoughtful and I went on the first of many long evening walks after dinner. We just moved into a new apartment that we were told had a walking trail around the entire complex. Perfect. Or so we thought. We started the trail right outside our apartment and walked about a quarter of a mile, then the “trail” got real dodgy, but we followed it anyway, then it turned into walking amongst the construction of the new buildings. Then, a security guard told us that we couldn’t walk back there and that if management knew we had, we would be evicted.
Lesson learned: Exercise will cause me to get evicted.
Diet rating: Cardboard crackers.
Now that I’m married, it’s become clear to me that I have priceless dating tips to offer. All of my single friends ask me what my secret was to landing my perfect man. And this is hilarious to me, because the truth is, had we not had a mutual friend in common and had I not had some liquid courage in me at the time, I probably would have run for the nearest closet to hide in when I met Captain Thoughtful. Because that’s how I rolled. I was not a good dater. I was a flirtation failure. Basically, all the things I’m getting credit for now, I was really really bad at. But, what the hell, you want my dating tips? Sure. I’ll give ‘em to you.
1. Never repeat name date. I think dating someone with the same name of someone else you previously dated is bad luck.
2. Don’t ever let the person you’re dating see you cry when watching Titanic or Armageddon.
3. Only ever order 1 taco at dinner.
4. Don’t use emoticons when texting.
5. Don’t tell them about Grammy on the first date.
Hand to heaven, these were real dating tips I lived by pre-Captain Thoughtful. And I broke most of them while dating him (except rule number 2, that’s a thing I don’t like to subject anyone to). So maybe, takes these and then do the opposite of them and things will work out splendidly! Or, you know, real talk, liquid courage worked out pretty well for us.