Yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, a groundhog took up residence in my driveway. I don’t know what this means y’all. Does it mean winter is coming? Is the groundhog a Game of Thrones fan? Is it going to be summer forever? Was it some sort of environmental sit-in? Is it a good omen or a bad omen? Should I feed it? Should I call animal control? What does it mean???!
While I was thinking all these things, the groundhog got up and ran across the street. Fare thee well groundhog of indeterminate omens, you are someone else’s source of confusion now.
This is Dobby after a long night at the club. He is a bit in his cups and did not appreciate getting papped.
This is Dobby after a long day of playing with his rope and napping on the couch. He has just finished his dinner and was resting and did not appreciate getting papped.
On Tuesday, my childhood and teenage love dreams came to a screeching halt and then exploded and then got thrown in the garbage.
Miss Piggy and Kermit broke up on the same day Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced their divorce.
I am instituting break up protocol immediately. Fried food, ice cream, only watching movies and reading books with happy endings, sad music, and just so much ugly crying. And also wine. Lots of wine.
I’ll be at home in my pajamas trying to reconcile all the things I loved as a child and teenager if y’all need me.
Me: If you ever signed your shirt and then took it off and threw it to another woman in the crowd, I would be really upset.
Captain Thoughtful: I can’t imagine a situation where that would happen. What are you even talking about?
Me: Yeah, but just in case crowds of people are cheering for you someday and they all want you to sign stuff for them, don’t sign your shirt and give it to some other woman.
Captain Thoughtful: I promise that will never happen.
Me: See that it doesn’t.
If I had a dollar for every time a Nebraskan has told me I don’t “sound Texan”, I could literally buy Nebraska. But I would probably spend that money on tacos.
Registrar: You need to upload your medical records so we can verify your measles vaccination.
Me: Those records were lost in a hurricane.
Registrar: I’m sure they weren’t. There must be a digital record.
Me: Not if you were immunized in 1986.
Registrar: Oh! I…..didn’t realize you were that….old.
Me: That’s ok. I often don’t realize I’m that old.
I’m sorry yall, I just can’t believe that this isn’t an alien.
It’s definitely an alien. I can only assume the scientists who try to convince us that these are crabs are being controlled by the aliens. Presumably via some sort of mind control. Or maybe the aliens have promised them they will be treated well after the inevitable uprising. I don’t know all the details, all I know is this is definitely some sort of alien.
Or its just a crab and I’m being fanciful. It’s like, 50/50.