She said it all.
I wonder why we don’t say “forsooth” more often. It’s so deliciously snarky. According to Le Dictionary, it’s “used to give an ironic politeness to questions”. For real y’all. Ironic politeness. That’s a thing and that’s a thing I need to make more use of.
For example, next time one of my friends starts dating a guy I think is a douche-canoe, I can say something like “Forsooth, I think he is swell.” And they will think I’m being nice when I’m really saying he is a Jerky McJerkerson. It’s ironic politeness because social conventions dictates that I have to be cordial because my friend likes him, but my inner truth dictates that I despise the very sight of him. “Forsooth allows me to maintain my borderline socially acceptable behavior and keep my inner truth happy. Boom! Girl on the Contrary for the win.
I feel like this “forsooth” thing is really going to work out well for me, prepare yourselves for excessive amounts of ironic politeness. Also, I may occasionally use it as a substitute curse word. For example, if I were to drop a heavy book on my toe, I would say “FORSOOTH!”, or if I found out that someone was talking mad trash about me I could say “She’s a forsoothing forsoother.” Man, this word is a gold mine!
Posted in Historical Oddities, Humor | Tagged historical oddities, history, Humor, language | 49 Comments »
I saw these tips from a 1938 dating guide for women and it made it very very clear to me that had I been born earlier I most certainly would have died alone.
Women who enjoy conversation while dancing are careless? Ok. Fine. Consider me careless because I think it’s a little weird not to say something when you’re dancing. I mean, you’re just like swaying around and there are lots of other people sort of swaying around in your vicinity. A little talking, maybe a little hypocritical mocking of other people’s dance skills, really improves the moment if you ask me.
I can’t believe no one ever told me that everything I like and am interested in is boring and that the only things in life worth talking about are things that men want to talk about. I guess public school really let me down on that one because I think I’m interesting as hell.
Not so. I get super duper extra clever when I’ve had too much to drink. Like, the kind of clever people wish they were. I’m the cleverest drunk there ever was. Ever. And for the record, cleverness is just silliness with a tuxedo on.
How are men supposed to know you like them if you don’t tug on their ear?
Um, I’m not a robot ok? I’m a real human person who has feelings and maybe gets a little choked up when ordering lobster because lobsters mate for life and I am probably breaking up a very happy couple by eating one. Also, I just found out lobsters don’t actually mate for life and that makes me sad too.
Oh man. Look at that guy looking at that girl with floppy boobs. He is disgusted. Obviously, men hate boobies and want them locked up in a boob jail aka a bra at all times.
Conclusion: 1938 was not a great year for dating advice.
Posted in Humor, Life, Love | Tagged Humor, Life, Love | 75 Comments »
Once upon a time, I thought of myself as a nature lover. Then, last week I was walking to dinner with Captain Thoughtful and I saw something that has forever changed me and convinced me that I should stay inside at all times. I saw a crow pecking a tiny sparrow to death. True story.
It was just pecking and pecking and the little sparrow kept trying to fly away but it was hurt and the crow was relentless in the pecking and OH MY WORD DID YOU KNOW CROWS EAT SPARROWS????? I didn’t know that. I wish I still didn’t know that. And I also wish that Wikipedia didn’t exist to tell me that crows also eat nestlings which are baby birds that haven’t left the nest and crows are BABY KILLERS. And I also learned that in a group crows are actually pretty intelligent and they are ALWAYS IN A GROUP! Beware the crows y’all!!!
And now I’m remembering that when I was in college a crow actually flew into my car (my windows were down) and scratched my arm when I was trying to shoo it back out the window. And I realize now that I’ve been marked. The crows are clearly coming for me. That poor innocent sparrow was a warning. The crows are coming…..
Posted in Humor, Life | Tagged Humor, Life, nature | 38 Comments »
Remember how a few days ago I was bragging like a bragging braggart about how mature I was? Well, that moment was fleeting.
Yesterday at work, I was taking a sip from my cup of tea when the teabag hit me in the face. I couldn’t quit giggling for like 20 minutes.
And some of you were worried I was permanently maturing…..
Happy Friday y’all!!!
Posted in Humor, Life | Tagged Humor, Life | 37 Comments »
You know how when you’re in a restroom with several stalls and someone in the stall next to you is obviously texting because you can hear the clicking on their phone? I find that oppressive.
It’s like, “Hey lady (you know, because I’m usually in the ladies room) stop texting! Do your business and be gone with you!” What is so important that it can’t wait 2-15 minutes (depending on what exactly your bathroom business is)? Nothing. Nothing is that important. It’s one thing if you want to text and poop at home, I’m not trying to make windows into your soul (shout out to my girl Elizabeth I), you’re more than welcome to do whatever you want in your own bathroom. But here, in this public or office restroom, it’s weird for you to have your phone with you.
Why? Well, for one thing, I get super pee shy and when I can hear you texting in the stall next to me it makes me even more shy because I assume that you’re texting about me and my bodily functions. Like “Hey. Some girl just went into the stall next to me. I bet she’s going to poop. Haha.” And for the record, I wasn’t going to poop because I only poop in the office restroom if no one else is in there. That’s just good manners. They taught me that in cotillion. Or maybe you’re texting something like “Whoa. This girl just went into the stall next to me and started peeing like a racehorse. Ick. Eat asparagus much? LOL.” And yeah, I do eat lots of asparagus because it’s super healthy and will probably prevent armpit cancer and maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on my pee at all you Nosey Noserson.
Logically, I realize people probably aren’t live tweeting about my pee. That’s just my pee shyness talking. But if they aren’t live tweeting my pee, then there is only one thing they can be doing with their phone in the bathroom stall and that’s taking pictures of their poop and sending it to friends and family. Listen- I’m not here to judge anyone, but it’s probably best if you take poop photos at home, don’t you think? I mean, at the very least I’m sure the lighting is better.
The worst part is the awkward eye contact when we’re both at the sink washing our hands. I know what you did, you know what you did, but we can’t talk about it, so I make some comments about zombie ants and killer jellyfish and you can’t even respond because you feel so guilty about live tweeting my bodily functions and taking pictures of your poop. Let’s put an end to this cycle. Please, please stop bringing your phone into the bathroom stall with you. Or, at least, stop texting when someone is in the stall next to you. That way, when we’re at the sinks we can have nice conversations about interesting nature anomalies.
Posted in Culture, Humor, Life | Tagged culture, Humor, Life | 44 Comments »
Last night something very unexpected happened to me. I had a moment of maturity.
Take a moment to let that sink in.
I know, I know. I can hardly believe it myself, but it’s true. I got all mature up in here. The craziest part is that this dizzying spell of maturity was brought on by Twitter. Someone tweeted something that I thought was grossly unfair and personally insulting to me but before I hit them back good with my standard “Your Mother” I had a mature thought that went a little something like this….
“Girl on the Contrary, this person is a stranger to you. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. What they said was ridiculous and rude but in the grand scheme of your totally awesome life, does it matter? Will it change your world in any way? Is there any type of benefit to responding to this comment? How about you just pour yourself a nice glass of wine and write a blog about how mature you are- doesn’t that sound nice?”
So here I am, drinking a glass of wine and blogging about how mature I am. Wait. Is blogging about your maturity actually an immature thing to do? Balls. I think I just created a wormhole.
Posted in Blogging, Humor, social media | Tagged blogging, Humor, Life, social media | 53 Comments »
