Before I had Captain Thoughtful, I used to get asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” a lot. So, I came up with smart ass responses because that’s how I do. I thought my days of annoying questions was over but as the good Captain and I near our second anniversary we are being asked more and more frequently “When are you going to have a baby?”
You asked for it people. Warning: smart assery dead ahead!
- Well, as I understand it, the first step is having lots of unprotected sex. Then, his semen fertilizes my egg. Then, 9 months later a baby shoves it way out of my body in a pretty painful way. So, you see, it’s a multi-step process. These things take time.
- Can one ever “have” a baby? Or does the baby “have” you? Food for thought.
- Damn! I knew I forgot to pick something up at the store.
- I heard those are really expensive – will you be mailing me a check to cover those costs or do you have a literal boat filled with cash you are gifting me? I’m good with either.
- Do I not get issued one when I renew my passport? Is that not how it works? I’m sort of unclear on the specifics.
- We are just planning on adopting a successful 25 year old and calling it a job well done.
There is one thing that never fails to make me laugh – videos of little kids cursing. I don’t know what this says about me as a person, but at the very least, I think it means that I reinforce bad behavior as long as it’s funny. I foresee a lot of parent/teacher conferences in my future…..
I’ve been studying for the GRE and part of that includes learning some new vocabulary words, which I actually love doing because I’m a word nerd. Anyway, this word nerd was flipping through some vocab flash cards and I came across the word “enervate”. I threw it in the “know it” pile because obviously it has something to with awakening or enlivening someone because that is the spell used to revive someone who has been stunned as I read in Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire.
Enervate means to weaken or render feeble. At least that is what it means in reality. Clearly, it has a different meaning in the magical community. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’m being tested on reality so I’m going to go with the flash cards on this one. On the plus side, I feel even more confident I could dominate O.W.L.S, which as a theoretical Ravenclaw feels good.
On the downside, I’m not taking O.W.L.S, I’m taking the GRE. But the silver-lining to that is that I will never forget what “enervate” means so really this was a win/win for me.
Dear all the people,
If you see me at the grocery store or drugstore carrying an impossibly large box of tampons and speed walking like the devil to the register, then please do NOT push your cart in front of me and slow down making it impossible for me to get around you. You need to move —– get out the way immediately before I do something that my lawyer will no doubt refer to as “an unpleasant but legally justified incident”. In return, I will never NEVER get in your way if I see you racing toward the register with a box of tampons. Or condoms. Deal?
I get that #YOLO is lame-o (If I don’t win an award for that turn of phrase then there is no justice in this world), but is it cool to say “you only live once”? Because that just seems like something good to keep in mind. Or did the youths ruin that too?
I am in the thick of a bad luck streak peeps. It seems like nothing is working out for me lately. But I have a plan. Or at least, I have some thoughts that when viewed as a numbered list resemble a plan. Sort of.
1. Get up on the opposite side of the bed.
2. Take a healing/uplifting bath with rosemary essential oil. This will put me in a good frame of mind and make me smell nice. Multitasking!
3. Do laundry to wash the bad luck off my clothes.
That’s it. I didn’t say it was a *good* plan. I mean, basically, it’s wake up, bathe, do chores. But, it’s all I’ve got. And at least, even if my luck doesn’t change, my clothes will be clean so that’s something.
Have y’all seen the Meyers Briggs Harry Potter equivalents infographic? I know it’s been online for ages, and you better believe I was all over it when it first hit the interwebs, but I had never asked Captain Thoughtful which character he is, which was a terrible lapse on my part because when I found out it made me SO HAPPY.
I am an ENFJ which means I’m Dumbledore thankyouverymuch. As I found out on Saturday, Captain Thoughtful is an ISTP which means he is…..waitforit…Harry Potter!
Basically, we are the best team ever and should the world ever be in danger I feel confident we could save it together. You could call us a power couple, but we would totally demur from that because it’s not power we want. We are way more into protection of the innocent and free candy and like fair treatment of magical creatures and stuff. But if you want to call us a power couple, we can’t like, stop you…..
Every time I watch the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where she kills Angel I just cry and cry and cry. Every. Time.
There was a giant spider in my bathtub last week. I’ve never been afraid of spiders before but this spider freaked me out. I grabbed the shower head, turned on the water as hot as it would go and drowned that menace as quick as possible. Once it went down the drain, I congratulated myself on keeping a calm head and defeating the monster that would surely have tried to eat me in my sleep. THEN IT CRAWLED OUT OF THE DRAIN BACK FROM THE DEAD.
At this point, convinced I had come across some sort of unkillable spider, I jumped on top of the sink as any reasonable human being would do. Then, I grabbed the shower head again and attempted to re-drown the spider because I had no other weapons at my disposal and I didn’t want to leave the room and take my eyes off the enemy. I mean, this spider was basically the Rasputin of spiders – many attempts on it’s life resulted in it only becoming more agitated and likely to cast some sort of spell on me to take over Russia. However, I kept at the drowning and finally it went back down the drain, at which point, I closed the drain because I learned my lesson the first time. Then, I called Captain Thoughtful and tried to convince him that we needed to move or at least get a hotel room for a week while exterminators dropped spider napalm on our house. We compromised by buying normal (but strong!) spider killer from Home Depot and then going out to dinner.
However, considering Rasputin the spiders ability to come back from the dead, I am still concerned he will return and seek his revenge on me. Any recommendations for preventing that? Because I would really really like to prevent that y’all. Really really. Really.
Today, would have been his sixth birthday. The following is one of my favorite memories with him, and it occurred just one week before the accident. I am beyond thankful for that weekend that will always be remembered as the “weekend before”.
Aiden: Will you play with me? I’ll be Captain America and you be Batman.
Me: Of course! But, if I’m Batman am I the bad guy?
Aiden: (Shocked and slightly disgusted look on his face) Ummmmm, what do you think? Batman is a GOOD guy. We’re both GOOD GUYS. Duh.
Me: That’s true, but Batman definitely has some darkness in him.
Aiden: Oh geez. That doesn’t maaaaaattttttter, he did good things and didn’t let the darkness control him. Duh. Now let’s play!
Me: You’re a really smart kid you know that?
Aiden: Yeeeeeesssss, I know that. Let’s PLAY!
And then we spent the next hour shooting Nerf darts at each other and random targets around the house. It was one of the best hours of my life.