I Could Be A Mall Cop

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Yall, it turns out I have a knack for riding segways. Sure, I was kind of scared to get on it. Sure, I am the only one who fell off, but I think that is because the Segway was trying to challenge me once it realized I was such an accomplished rider. What I’m trying to say is that I think I would be a great mall cop. Outside of the fact that I am now an excellent Segway rider, I have a dislike of hooligans and shoplifters and have always felt I had an untested talent for disrupting and thwarting plots against malls.

In case you can’t tell, I am the one doing Segway jazz hands in the picture. You know how I do.

Mom and Dad

THANK YOU!
Thank you for teaching me what a healthy and happy relationships looks like.
Thank you for being such a baller team.
Thank you for respecting each other so much.
Thank you for cherishing each other.
Thank you for still flirting with each other.
Thank you for loving each other so completely and unconditionally.
THANK YOU!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!

Here Is A Thought On New Years Day

I think that wormholes are created when people say “My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution.” And that someday highly intelligent aliens will be able to travel to Earth through one of those wormholes and attempt to conquer our planet. And when that happens, I think we should find everyone who said that and give them a stern talking to.

Spoiler Alert – I Am Madly In Love With Captain Thoughtful

Two years ago today, I married the best man in the entire universe to ever exist ever. He is brilliant, and handsome, and clever, and hilarious, and thoughtful (duh), and perfect for me in every way. And I love him more and more every day. And I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I did. And I know that I’m gushing and this is totally corny, but deal with it y’all. Just this once (and also once a year on December 22 for the rest of my life) I am going to be corny as hell.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life! Thanks for marrying me!

Insanity – Blame It On Pinterest

If the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over while expecting a different result then PINTEREST HAS MADE ME INSANE. I have tried hundreds of “tips” or “tricks” or “DIYs” or “life hacks” that looked completely amazing and perfect on Pinterest but end up in total disaster for me in real life. But I just keep trying them over and over again expecting a different result. Insanity.

Sleeping with your hair in twists for the perfect curls? Done it. I woke up with hair that look like if a Muppet electrocuted itself and then got caught in a tornado.

Using a sharpie to make a cute pattern on a ceramic plate and then baking it to keep it from rubbing off? Done it. I am still trying to wash off pink sharpie from my hands, where it decided to become permanent, but the sharpie on the plates washed off at the first drop of water.

Wrapping the perfect present? Done it. My presents would look better if a child had wrapped them and then kicked them around for a couple hours.

Probably all these things are my fault and I’m sure Pinterest isn’t to blame, but really it is. Because Pinterest always makes me think I can do things that I know in my heart I can’t. Stop giving me false hope Pinterest. You’ll be receiving my DIY therapy bills soon.

How I Save Money On Wedding Presents

About 90% of the time, when people say “fiancé”, I hear “Beyoncé”. 100% of the time, this results in me making a fool out of myself in one of two ways.

1. “You call her “your Beyoncé?” that is so amazing! Your love will never die.”

2. “HOW DID YOU MEET BEYONCE?! TELL ME EVERYTHING NOW OR I WILL RUIN YOU.”

On the bright side, there are at least 3 wedding gifts we didn’t have to buy because of this so really I’m being wise with our money. This is just another instance of my bizarre and often unsettling behavior having unexpected benefits. Also, if you have met Beyoncé and don’t tell me everything I will ruin you.

We Are Our Own Country Now

My husband (the Geographer) informed me yesterday that this blog now has more followers than at least 3 sovereign countries have inhabitants. I believe that makes us our own country now y’all! Welcome to ContraryLand!

A few things about our country…

National Bird: Blue Footed Booby (Haha…. booby…..)

National Song: Lazy Sunday
( http://www.hulu.com/watch/1397 )

National Motto: LOL

National Animal (large): Nessie (The Loch Ness monster, but don’t let “monster” fool you, she’s actually very gentle and gives great advice on how to prepare fish.)

National Animal (small): Chupacabra  (Hide your goats!)

National Insect: Jiminy Cricket (He can be annoying but he keeps us honest.)

Feel free to share your facts about our totally awesome (and entirely made-up) country! And thank you all so very much for subscribing/following this blog –  it makes my heart fit to burst. :)