These are my “Obviously I’m doing jazz hands on the inside” jazz hands.
Also, I’m pretty sure Captain Thoughtful was doing jazz hands on the inside too. 
Category Archives: Wedding
Jazz Hands Thursday
Ok- so this picture isn’t very good and I promise there will be better pictures to come very soon but I’m on my honeymoon and we make due.
These are my “Jazz hands in a photo booth with 3 of my bridesmaids who are awesome and helped make the wedding perfect” jazz hands.
Weddings Are Hilarious
Actual list of things I have been doing for weeks in order to look pretty on 12/22/12, which is the day after the world ends and also they day Captain Thoughtful and I are getting married. Because we’re optimists. And also, we’re totally prepared for the apocalypse thanks to my knack for preparedness some people have referred to as “insanity”. So, the wedding is on y’all!
1. Drink more than 2 liters of water a day. I have to pee ALL THE TIME.
2. Eat an ounce of walnuts a day. Apparently, they make your skin beautiful because of omega-3 and magic.
3. Daily body moisturizing with argan oil. This is probably just a good life habit but holy shiz y’all, it’s slippery! I’m probably going to slip and fall in the shower and break my leg and have to walk down the aisle in crutches, but hey, my skin is going to look spectacular.
4. Time consuming skincare routine. So many oils, creams, tools, and oh so much time. Worth it though.
5. Drink a cup of hot water with lemon in it every morning and cucumber water throughout the day. Why? I read somewhere that’s what models do. It’s only now, as I’m writing about it, that I realize it might not be true……
Any special way y’all prepared for your wedding?
Jazz Hands Thursday
So, this is a new thing where every Thursday I post a picture of myself doing jazz hands. Which, is like, my signature thing that I do. This picture was taken at my bachelorette party last Friday. My eyes are red because of the flash, not because I’m a bloodthirsty vampire. Or am I? I’m not. Also, I think we can all agree my blue steel face is impeccable. Happy first ever Jazz Hands Thursday!
Weddings Are Hilarious
If you’re going to have a wedding that is actually a really spectacular party where someone just happens to commit themself for eternity to someone else, like Captain Thoughtful and I are, there are a few things that you absolutely must have. The first is a very good DJ or band. The second is delicious food and refreshments. And the third is glow-sticks. Because, nothing says “Let’s party y’all!” Like glow-sticks.”
Bubbles, rose petals, and sparklers are played out. I’m telling you, it’s all about glow-sticks. I know this for a fact, because it was my Mother’s suggestion and that woman is always on point.
Mom: Can we have glow-sticks at your wedding reception.
Me: Obviously. I LOVE glow-sticks.
Mom: They will just put everyone in the right mood.
Me: I totally agree.
Mom: Cool. I’ll order them. But, I’ll order only white glow-sticks so it’s, like, classy.
Me: Well played.
And that’s how it’s done.
Weddings Are Hilarious
My bridal shower was last Saturday and it was all things lovely. It had my three favorite “F” words: family, friends, and food. (Why? What’s your favorite “F” word??) 
But, leading up to it, I found myself oddly nervous. What if I didn’t act “bridal” enough? Do I even have a “bridal” personality”?? So much nervousness. Luckily, I was distracted from it by a totally wonderful Captain Thoughtful surprise and I didn’t worry about it at all anymore and had a supremely wonderful time at my bridal shower.
But then, as I was falling asleep last night, I began to worry that I hadn’t, in fact, acted “bridal” enough at my shower and that all my family and friends now think me exceptionally unqualified to be a bride. So, to calm my fears, I did what I always do and which never ever works, I googled it.
It was not reassuring. Here are some “bridal” rules that I totally broke. I think.
Talk to everyone. I definitely said “hello” and “goodbye” to everyone but I’m sure I didn’t manage even a brief conversation with everyone who attended. Strike one GotC.
Show enthusiasm at all times. I was certainly very excited and I definitely smiled and laughed a lot. But, was I “enthusiastic” enough? Probably not. There is a reason I wasn’t a cheerleader. Strike two.
Be calm and collected. Am I ever “collected”? Strike three.
Do you get four strikes in wedding preparations? Or like, 20?
Also, did you know you’re not supposed to use the shower gifts before the wedding?! It’s going to be so hard resisting the urge to use that pie maker at Thanksgiving……..
Seriously though, I have the most AMAZING family and friends in the world! I am one happy happy lady.
Weddings Are Hilarious
So, this is apparently the point in the wedding planning when YOU PANIC ABOUT EVERYTHING. All of the sudden everything is HAPPENING and you are NOT PREPARED. My wedding dress is on it’s way to Austin right this minute but I don’t have shoes or accessories or even know if it’s going to fit properly because all of the sudden it’s so apparent how much weight I’ve gained even though I’ve lost weight and is this going to be one of those dramatic moments where the dress won’t zip up and then I cry and cry and cry and everyone tells me it’s going to work our but THE WORLD IS ENDING because my dress won’t fit. And also, the world might really be ending a day before I get married and WHY DIDN’T I THINK ABOUT THAT???
And now I’m second guessing decision I previously thought were great and what color shoes should my bridesmaids wear and what should we do for our wedding favors and we need to buy a chalkboard to put in front of the chapel and make a map and whats hsould I get my bridesmaids as gifts and we need to get some professional pictures taken and I have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and what should I wear to those and why are there so many details and why can’t I keep up with them and what wine tastes best with BBQ and what songs are we going to play in the ceremony and what song do we want to play for our introduction should the father daughter dance be serious or funny and what color should I paint my nails what happens if I get a zit what if I start my period what if no one RSVPs what if EVERYONE RSVPs????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
But no really, wedding planning is totally going well.
Weddings Are Hilarious
Really, this post isn’t about our wedding. It’s about the proposal. But it’s still hilarious. Kind of. I probably should have titled this post something else.
As most of you know, I am not a great flyer. And by that I mean that flying is absolutely terrifying and I would rather walk a thousand miles then fly one. But, I understand that walking isn’t very time efficient and so I occasionally have to face my fear and get on an airplane. This is very brave of me and I expect y’all to tell me so. The day that Captain Thoughtful proposed to me we were on a plane all day flying to the far-off land of Ohio to spend the weekend with his family. I had no clue that Captain Thoughtful was planning on proposing to me that weekend and even if I had a clue, it would have been pushed to the back of my brain by the terror I had at getting on the airplane. Our first flight, was extremely bumpy and we were in one of those tiny airplanes that you most frequently see burning in a field because it crashed because FLYING IS DANGEROUS. And for some reason out seats had gotten mixed up and we were seated a few rows apart. Luckily, the nice man sitting next to me was a former pilot and noticed my white knuckles and fear filled eyes, he talked me through every bump and let me know that they were “totally routine” to which I replied “routinely leading to a crash” and he chuckled because he thought I was joking but I wasn’t. Our second flight was MUCH WORSE THAN THE FIRST. It was the kind of turbulence where the entire place is lurching from side to side and is totally the type of turbulence they show planes having before they crash in the movies. And about halfway through the flight I had a full blown panic attack. Convinced we were going to die, I buried my head in Captain Thoughtful’s shoulder and cried and cried and hyperventilated and cried and told him I loved him and hyperventilated and desperately fought to pull myself together, which I didn’t until we finally landed safely. Then, I ran to the nearest bathroom and tried to compose myself before I met Captain Thoughtful’s family for the first time.
My panic attack left me completely drained and almost numb. Happily, Captain Thoughtful’s amazing family made me feel right at home and welcomed me warmly, so I was able to relax and enjoy our time there. Later that night, we went to the baseball field where Captain Thoughtful played in college (I know, it’s super hot). It was there that he proposed in the most spectacular and thoughtful way possible. I was completely surprised and that made it all the more special.
Later, he told me how he was afraid I was going to find out because he ket fidgeting with the box and checking his backpack to make sure it was safe and hidden. But, of course I didn’t notice because I was too busy having a panic attack on the airplane. Which, in retrospect was completely awesome because had I been calm, I would definitely have noticed that something was up and it would have completely ruined the proposal surprise.
I may be the only person in the world who is thankful for a panic attack. But only that one, because it actually helped make that day one of the best of my life. True story.
Wedding Are Hilarious
Apparently, wedding nightmares are a thing. At least, they’re a thing that’s happening to me almost every night. I have nighttime wedding terrors in which I wake-up in a cold sweat sure that I’ve ruined the day for everyone by not coordinating dinner appropriately or somehow ending up with too many brownies and not enough pies. I’ve dreamt that I cried the entire day, from joy obviously, but that I wasn’t able to stop crying once and that all my pictures were ruined because of my ugly crying face. I had a dream the other night that our venue double booked our wedding day and we had to get married in a road and take all our guests for pizza afterward- which, as badass as it might sound, is not what we have planned at all. I keep dreaming that the bridal store ordered me the completely wrong dress and I’m going to have to fight with a heavy ballgown all night.
These nightmares have got to stop. They’re not particularly scary but they’re are extremely annoying because now I’m worrying that all these thing might actually happen because remember that one time I told you I might be a touch clairvoyant? However, I think I have a plan. Maybe, just maybe, if I watch things that actually scare me, I’ll have nightmares about those things instead of wedding things. So, in an effort to not be afraid that my wedding is going to be a disaster, I’m going to watch movies about dinosaurs, aliens, and crocodiles (which are really just dinosaurs and why aren’t they extinct??? They’re like invincible dinosaurs. Except we can kill them. But nature can’t kill them like it did the rest of the dinosaurs and that’s pretty damn scary). Or, you know, I might not sleep for the next two months.
Weddings Are Hilarious.
Do you remember when you were little and you used to randomly declare it was “opposite day” and you would walk around saying “no” when you meant “yes” and would ask your Mom to let you eat cotton candy for dinner, and when she said “no” you jumped up and down with excitement because it was “opposite day” and you had just tricked your Mom into letting you have cotton candy for dinner? Was that just a thing I did?
Well, planning a wedding is like one giant “opposite day”, because everything I thought would be easy, has been hard, and everything I thought would be hard has been easy. Take finding a wedding dress for example, I was convinced that it was going to be the most traumatic and horrific experience of my life. I didn’t eat the entire day before my appointment because I was so anxious about trying on dresses, I had my sister, Mother, and best friend prepped to give me a champagne IV should things go poorly. And then I went and my sister picked out a dress for me to try on and it was PERFECTION. It was the first dress I tried on and even though I tried on 9 others just to see, I knew, I KNEW that that dress was the one. Just like I knew Captain Thoughtful was the one. It was so simple and so perfect. On the other hand, I thought finding shoes to match that perfect dress would be easy as pie. Wrong. I have not found one pair of shoes that I like that go with the gown. Not one. They are all either too sparkly or too plain. Why can’t I just Goldilocks this mother and find the pair that are “just right”?
And really, shoes??! Shoes are causing me the most frustration? But shoes have been so good to me. Shoes I understand. Shoes I know. Shoes I love. And yet, now, when I can buy a pretty pair just to go with one dress, I can’t find any that I like. The wedding rule of opposites!
But, I’ve got this wedding planning thing figured out now. I get it. It’s just like when I was a kid playing “opposite day”. I see you wedding planning. Game on.
