These are my “Obviously I’m doing jazz hands on the inside” jazz hands.
Also, I’m pretty sure Captain Thoughtful was doing jazz hands on the inside too.
Actual list of things I have been doing for weeks in order to look pretty on 12/22/12, which is the day after the world ends and also they day Captain Thoughtful and I are getting married. Because we’re optimists. And also, we’re totally prepared for the apocalypse thanks to my knack for preparedness some people have referred to as “insanity”. So, the wedding is on y’all!
1. Drink more than 2 liters of water a day. I have to pee ALL THE TIME.
2. Eat an ounce of walnuts a day. Apparently, they make your skin beautiful because of omega-3 and magic.
3. Daily body moisturizing with argan oil. This is probably just a good life habit but holy shiz y’all, it’s slippery! I’m probably going to slip and fall in the shower and break my leg and have to walk down the aisle in crutches, but hey, my skin is going to look spectacular.
4. Time consuming skincare routine. So many oils, creams, tools, and oh so much time. Worth it though.
5. Drink a cup of hot water with lemon in it every morning and cucumber water throughout the day. Why? I read somewhere that’s what models do. It’s only now, as I’m writing about it, that I realize it might not be true……
Any special way y’all prepared for your wedding?
So, this is a new thing where every Thursday I post a picture of myself doing jazz hands. Which, is like, my signature thing that I do. This picture was taken at my bachelorette party last Friday. My eyes are red because of the flash, not because I’m a bloodthirsty vampire. Or am I? I’m not. Also, I think we can all agree my blue steel face is impeccable. Happy first ever Jazz Hands Thursday!
Apparently, wedding nightmares are a thing. At least, they’re a thing that’s happening to me almost every night. I have nighttime wedding terrors in which I wake-up in a cold sweat sure that I’ve ruined the day for everyone by not coordinating dinner appropriately or somehow ending up with too many brownies and not enough pies. I’ve dreamt that I cried the entire day, from joy obviously, but that I wasn’t able to stop crying once and that all my pictures were ruined because of my ugly crying face. I had a dream the other night that our venue double booked our wedding day and we had to get married in a road and take all our guests for pizza afterward- which, as badass as it might sound, is not what we have planned at all. I keep dreaming that the bridal store ordered me the completely wrong dress and I’m going to have to fight with a heavy ballgown all night.
These nightmares have got to stop. They’re not particularly scary but they’re are extremely annoying because now I’m worrying that all these thing might actually happen because remember that one time I told you I might be a touch clairvoyant? However, I think I have a plan. Maybe, just maybe, if I watch things that actually scare me, I’ll have nightmares about those things instead of wedding things. So, in an effort to not be afraid that my wedding is going to be a disaster, I’m going to watch movies about dinosaurs, aliens, and crocodiles (which are really just dinosaurs and why aren’t they extinct??? They’re like invincible dinosaurs. Except we can kill them. But nature can’t kill them like it did the rest of the dinosaurs and that’s pretty damn scary). Or, you know, I might not sleep for the next two months.
Do you remember when you were little and you used to randomly declare it was “opposite day” and you would walk around saying “no” when you meant “yes” and would ask your Mom to let you eat cotton candy for dinner, and when she said “no” you jumped up and down with excitement because it was “opposite day” and you had just tricked your Mom into letting you have cotton candy for dinner? Was that just a thing I did?
Well, planning a wedding is like one giant “opposite day”, because everything I thought would be easy, has been hard, and everything I thought would be hard has been easy. Take finding a wedding dress for example, I was convinced that it was going to be the most traumatic and horrific experience of my life. I didn’t eat the entire day before my appointment because I was so anxious about trying on dresses, I had my sister, Mother, and best friend prepped to give me a champagne IV should things go poorly. And then I went and my sister picked out a dress for me to try on and it was PERFECTION. It was the first dress I tried on and even though I tried on 9 others just to see, I knew, I KNEW that that dress was the one. Just like I knew Captain Thoughtful was the one. It was so simple and so perfect. On the other hand, I thought finding shoes to match that perfect dress would be easy as pie. Wrong. I have not found one pair of shoes that I like that go with the gown. Not one. They are all either too sparkly or too plain. Why can’t I just Goldilocks this mother and find the pair that are “just right”?
And really, shoes??! Shoes are causing me the most frustration? But shoes have been so good to me. Shoes I understand. Shoes I know. Shoes I love. And yet, now, when I can buy a pretty pair just to go with one dress, I can’t find any that I like. The wedding rule of opposites!
But, I’ve got this wedding planning thing figured out now. I get it. It’s just like when I was a kid playing “opposite day”. I see you wedding planning. Game on.