That Time The Guy Sitting Next To Me On A Plane Took His Pants Off.

Airplane

This airplane is full of people with their pants off. Probably.

This is a story I had forgotten about until today. I don’t know why I suddenly thought of it. I promise I wasn’t thinking about guys taking their pants off. At least not until I thought about the guy who sat next to me on a plane and took his pants off.

When I was 23, I sort of ran away to Uganda for a few months to figure my life out. I knew this journey required a lot of long flights and time in airports. I prepared myself for a couple days of long and boring flights. As it turned out, my last flight wasn’t boring at all. I was sitting next to a nice guy with long dreadlocks and a very pleasant smile. We struck up a conversation pretty early in the flight and I really enjoyed talking to him. He definitely had some interesting stories. About midway through the flight, we were brought our dinners (although by that time I had no idea what time it was or if I should be eating dinner or breakfast) and stopped talking to eat. After dinner I was preparing to put on my eye mask and hopefully fall asleep for the rest of the flight when I noticed the nice guy sitting next to me starting to unbutton his pants. Well, I was speechless. I couldn’t possibly imagine what this guy was doing. I really began to panic when he pulled his pants down to his thighs. I was frozen in place, not sure what the appropriate response to this should be. I didn’t want to look but I really couldn’t look away. Then he pulled out a needle from his backpack. Aha! I realized he was diabetic and was giving himself an insulin shot (actually, if I’m being honest, my first thought was heroin but that seemed a little unlikely). At first, I felt somehow more comfortable with what was going on in the seat next to me. But then, I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t take his insulin and go the the bathroom to give himself a shot? Why was he choosing to take his pants off in the middle of an airplane while sitting next to a very unsettled girl(me)?

Alas, I will never know the answers to these questions because I just couldn’t bring myself to ask them. I mean, I didn’t want it to get more awkward than it already was and I’m pretty sure that  no matter what I said I would have handled it the wrong way. Anyone else have a strange airplane story??? (It’s going to be hard to beat the guy who took his pants off though…..)

Twitter Wants Me to Follow Twitter on Twitter.

Twitter

I’m just going to say/write it again so everyone understands the enormity of the situation- Twitter wants me to follow Twitter on Twitter. So the request would read “follow Twitter on Twitter”. Anyone else’s mind being blown by this?? Seriously? I mean, if I’m using Twitter doesn’t that pretty much mean I’m partaking in the Twitter experience enough? Apparently not. They want more. They want you to follow them on their own website. I feel like if I said this 3 times in a mirror and then turned around 3 times a bloody social media executive would appear and murder me.

What’s next? Follow Twitter on Twitter while Tweeting about Twitter? Yes, apparently that is the next step because I searched it and a LOT of people who follow Twitter on Twitter tweet about Twitter. Say that 5 times fast (Twitter Twitter Tweet Twitter), actually, for all you actors out there this is probably a good vocal warm-up. You’re welcome.

I just don’t know if I can get behind Twitter that much. Wait, can you Facebook friend Facebook? I don’t know the answer to that but I would like to if anyone else does. I wonder if you get sucked into some type of vortex when you follow Twitter on Twitter or Facebook friend Facebook. It seems like that has to happen- like you have to be sucked into a vortex or black hole. Scientifically that would make sense.

See, now I’m in a dilemma because originally I thought “no way am I following Twitter on Twitter” but now that I’m pretty sure you get transported to an alternate universe or something I might want to. It’s a tough call. Hmmmm. I guess I’ll stay in this reality (I mean as much as I am ever in this reality) because I really wouldn’t know how to prepare for the alternate universe/vortex and I don’t want to go into it unprepared. Sorry Twitter. You lose this time.

Totally.

Totally

MichelArt.net

I’m trying very hard not to say the word “totally” anymore. Why? Because I had a rare moment of clarity the other day and realized I sound like the movie Valley Girl. This movie is absolutely wonderfully awful. A classic. And though I may enjoy watching it, I would rather lose my voice permanently than sounds like any of the girls in this movie. Here are some examples of the things they say…

” Like, totally.”

“Totally to the max!”

“Gag me with a spoon. Totally.”

Notice a trend? It’s the word “totally”. And I have “totally” been saying “totally” way too often. I don’t know how it wormed it’s way into my speech like a language parasite but it definitely did. All of the sudden I am emphasizing everything I say with the word “totally”. It’s like my sentence doesn’t mean as much if I don’t have a “totally” in it. Terrible. Shameful. Ridiculous.

I realized this embarrassing fact about myself at work when I was in a meeting with a client. All of the sudden it hit me that I had just used the word “totally” 3 times in the same sentence. Gag. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing myself say. The more I talked the more I realized I sounded like the world’s most ridiculous woman in the world. I was, like totally, humiliating myself to the max, ya’ll. Really.

It’s not that I have a problem with the word totally per se. I just think it is overused and abused in the the English language. I just don’t want to sound like a high school cheerleader because (shocker) I’m not a high school cheerleader. I’m a grown-up (ok I can hear you laughing from here…) I’m at least a somehow grown-up so I should try and speak like a somehow grown-up. Right? Actually, the more I think about it the more I realize I sound very little like a grown-up most of the time. Huh. I’m having another lightbulb moment……

Ok- new goal is not to eradicate “totally” from my speech all the time, just from my client meetings. Forget being a grown-up I want to be a high school cheerleader! (I really don’t want be a high school cheerleader)

You see how I changed my mind in the middle of this post? That’s why they call me contrary. And so it is.

I Have A Complicated Relationship With My DVR

I love DVR. I love being able to record all of my favorite shows and then watch them when I have time. I really really love DVR. I am obsessed, however, with keeping it cleaned out. As soon as a show has been watched it MUST be deleted. I literally feel uncomfortable when my DVR has too many shows recorded. I want to watch and then erase all of them.  At this point I get as much joy out of erasing the shows as I do watching them. Which, I’m pretty sure is a weird personality disorder issue. I just love having a clean DVR.

This would perhaps not be so bizarre if I felt this way about cleaning and organization throughout all areas of my life. Not so. I like to describe my room as “chaotically organized” which is to say, it isn’t organized to anyone else in the world except me. My desk at work is organized but I’m sure it looks like a bag of skittles threw-up to anyone else (I like everything to be color coded). So why am I so obsessed with cleaning out my DVR? Why would I want something I love to record shows on to be empty?

I have earned myself the reputation of being the “DVR Police” with my family. They thinks it’s insane funny how concerned I am with an organized DVR. In fact, my precious Father likes to hit record for the most random and ridiculous shows like Mega Piranha so that next time I check my recorded shows I have three times as many as I did the day before. It literally makes me cringe to think about it. He thinks it’s hilarious.

Here is another thought, why do I worry about my relationship with my DVR? It’s an inanimate object. It doesn’t feel rejection or emptiness. Unless it has some secret brain of it’s own- then I will totally be the first to die when the robots take over because I’m sure I have really hurt my DVRs feelings. However, even the threat of robot domination and people death won’t convince me to leave recordings in my DVR. I think I really have a problem.

Walking Into Poles. And Other Things That Happened This Week.

I walked into a pole on Tuesday. It was hard and hurty. I was looking for a friend of mine and walked straight into it. Aside from the obvious physical humor of the moment there was added irony. The pole designated a handicap parking spot. I almost became handicapped by a pole meant to protect the handicapped. This is my life people. Be jealous.

When I am having a hard day at work (and there have definitely been some this week) the only thing I can think of that would make me feel better is cotton candy. As a result, I feel very confident that I will have a mouth full of cavities next dentist appointment. I think I will bill my boss for this. Is there a rehab for cotton candy addicts? I might need a place like that.

Death By Cotton Candy

Oh no! Cotton Candy wants revenge!

Have you ever met someone you instantly disliked? I have heard an awful lot about love at first sight but nothing about hate at first sight. Let me tell you something, it exists. It happened to me. Well not to me, it happened from me to someone else. I felt really guilty about it, because I usually like to give people more of a chance before I curse their existence. Then I got to know this person. Suffice it to say, my intuition hasn’t been wrong yet.

I have always said that if I ever got a tattoo it would be “nobody puts baby in a corner.” in cursive on my right forearm. This week, I didn’t get a tattoo. I did, however, reaffirm my commitment to this theoretical tattoo when I saw this….

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner Tattoo

Dream Come True.

Even though the quote isn’t exactly right, I still think this is BRILLIANT.

I want to go on a boat. I don’t have anything clever to say about that. I just want to go on a boat.

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!!!!

Were Laverne and Shirley Happy?

Laverne and Shirley Sing

They made an album- so they must have been happy!

I think this is an important questions to ask oneself. I am pondering this question more and more as I consider the fact that I might be moving in with  my sister soon. And I imagine it will be a lot like Laverne and Shirley. They always seemed happy to me. But were they really happy? Also, I’m wondering how long it took them to choreograph the dance they do at the beginning of the show- because I don’t think my sister will be willing to spend a lot of time learning a dance but I would really like to have a little something prepared for move-in day. Then all of our neighbors will think we are really crazy hip and be nervous to talk to us but then they will overcome that nervousness and bring us an assortment of baked goods to welcome us to the neighborhood. I can’t remember if that happened in Laverne and Shirley or not. But instead of Milwaukee we will live in Austin. In fact, I think people will be much more open to a dance number in Austin than in Milwaukee. I wonder if my sister remembers how to do a kick-ball-change?

Also, I really want to start putting the letter L on all my shirts. I guess my sister can too because both our names start with L but I would really feel more comfortable if that was just my thing. She probably won’t argue, she has to wear scrubs all the time anyway. Although if I was in the hospital and my nurse had the first letter of her name on all her scrub tops I would defnitely feel like I was getting better care. I bet I could sell that idea to hospitals and make a fortune.

I’m worried that Laverne and Shirley weren’t truly happy. I mean Shirley totally bailed on Laverne in the last season and I don’t want that to happen to me. (I think I’m Laverne and my sister is Shirely- she would say I was Shirley and she is Laverne but this is my blog so I’m kind of calling the shots) Who would jump rope with me and help me humiliate my nemesis “Big Rosie Greenbaum”? I’m just thinking worst case scenario here. I mean, if Laverne and Shirley were happy why did Shirley leave? (This is actually a real question if anyone knows the answer because I can’t remember).  I just don’t want the magic to fade from our totally awesome relationship. Maybe it was moving to Burbank that tore Laverne and Shirley apart- so if my sister and I avoid Burbank would should probably be ok. Right?

Also, we don’t have a Lenny and Squigy in this situation and I think they were a big part of the magic that was Laverne and Shirley. What if our apartment doesn’t have a Lenny and Squigy? Are we doomed? I feel like an awful lot is riding on the answers to these monumental questions. I have a plan of action though.

Step 1- Watch every season of Laverne and Shirley and analyze their behavior to make judgement on happiness.

Step 2- Write to Penny Marshall (Laverne) and Cindy Williams (Shirley) and ask them these questions. I think they will be able to help.

Step 3- Make sure my sister actually still wants to live with me after reading this post.

Step 4- Make decision and live with the consequences. No turning back.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

What Type Of Music Do Unicorns Listen To?

Unicorn and Rainbow

Seriously, what type of music do unicorns listen to? I can only imagine it is beautiful and haunting. I want to hear it. I bet it’s really good and they probably pretend not to be real so we don’t steal their music. Selfish unicorns.

It’s like I have so many unanswered questions about things that are probably not real. I mean, there have to be answers.

I’m always thinking about what house I would be sorted into at Hogwarts. And I know there are supposed tests online that will tell you but I don’t want to find out that way. I want the sorting hat to sort me. Is that really asking to0 much?

Are we really sure Narnia isn’t real? Because C.S. Lewis did a pretty good job of convincing me it is real. Either he was just a really good writer or he was trying to tell the world about this beyond awesome place and everyone just thought he was insane and so they labeled his books “fiction” so as not to ruin his reputation. I really want Narnia to be real and then find a way to go there. Because I deserve it.

You might be wondering why I’m not asking any questions about Vampires or Werewolves. There are 2 answers to this question.

1. I am not a teenager.

2. Vampires drink blood and Werewolves maul you to death and then I think they eat you (although, admittedly, I’m not sure about that). I only want happy things to be real. Because although Twilight is very entertaining there are far more sources of vampire and werewolf brutality against humans. I have to go with the majority here- vampires and werewolves are scary.

And some people (Twilighters) might argue that Harry Potter was way scarier and a lot worse things happened in it because people actually died. And my response to that is, yeah of course people died, it’s real life. People die in real life. They don’t live eternally. Sheesh. And then all the Twlighters are like “Edward Forever!” and I’m like “He will always be Cedric Diggory to me” And they can’t argue because he was totally Cedric Diggory first. I believe I just won my argument. Also, Harry Potter was happy because good triumphed over evil. And I have to wonder what they are teaching in schools these days if kids don’t know that good triumphing over evil is happy.

And now I am really wondering why I wrote this post. Because it’s weird. And also I’m wondering if this is really a dream and that’s why this post is so bizarre and completely unnecessary. And now I’m wondering if it’s possible to write a blog post in a dream.

This list of questions regarding impossible things is getting really long….

Happy Friday!

Tastes Like Murder. A Typical Day at the Office.

I opened the refrigerator at my office today. It smelled like something had been brutally murdered in it. It was beyond retch worthy. Not only was I afraid something would jump out of the fridge and then brutally murder me to replenish the smell- I was mostly worried about the drink I had left in it yesterday. The opened drink that I was pretty sure would now taste like murder.

Now, at this point, most people would probably just throw away that drink. Not I. I chose to trepidatiously sip at my day-old-cooled-by-a-murder-smelling-refrigerator beverage. Luckily for me, it did not taste like murder. It tasted just like the mixed berries it should have. Boy, was I relieved. Also, afterwards, I had to wonder why I had chosen to take a sip, sure it worked out alright in the end but that could have been the most disgusting of beverage disasters. Why in the world, did I take the chance?

I don’t really have an answer but I do know one thing. Someone in my office is responsible for that foul stench. Of course, when cornered and mercilessly interrogated, no one would admit their wrong-doing (or at the very least forgetfulness). There are only a few plausible conclusions to draw from this.

1. Someone at my workplace is trying, unsuccessfully, to kill me via my sense of smell.

2. There is actually some type of hob-goblin living in that refrigerator that is invisible and is brutally murdering things and then making them invisible and then letting them rot for the joy of seeing the office’s disgusted faces. (I heard somewhere that hob-goblins get the most joy out of making people disgusted).

3. There are vampires working here and they accidently left their bottles of blood opened in the fridge and now they don’t want anyone to know it was them because their super secret vampire identities would be revealed.

4. There isn’t a smell at all and I have a massive brain tumor that is making me smell things that don’t exist.

Those are the only logical conclusions I have come to. Don’t even get me started on the improbable scenarios I have concocted for the source of the smell (suffice it to say one of them involves time travel). Anyway you look at it, I’m not sure my workplace is safe anymore.

Facebook Quitter?!

One of the most frequently searched terms for my blog is “Facebook quitter.” Really people? Who is googling that? In other breaking news, the search term ” Facebook quitter” has now taken over “female domination” as the most popular search that leads people to my blog.

There is just something so negative in that search. Like they are saying “Ohhh, look at the little baby who couldn’t hang with facebook anymore. She took all her personal information and cried all the way home. Boo hoo little facebook quitter.” (Say this to yourself in a sarcastic baby voice and you will realize how aggressive this search term is). Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. But I’m pretty sure that is what they mean.

Also, I’m still confused why people are searching for “facebook quitters” on google. Do they want to join the movement? The Facebook quitting movement I didn’t know I was a part of?  Why is quitting Facebook bad? Or is it good? I am truly befuddled by this. In fact, I think I should probably dedicate the rest of my work day into delving into this issue and sorting it out. Or I should do my job and work. It’s up in the air right now.

Anyway, just to be clear- (because I googled this myself and people were all in all pretty mean about Facebook quitters- and also there were a lot of results in French which I think means France wholeheartedly supports my leaving of Facebook which means the rest of America hates me because I have apparently allied myself with the French)- I was on Facebook for many years and I always liked it and though I felt like they violated my privacy a little too often I would just adjust my settings and go on my happy Facebook way. I liked being reminded of my friends birthdays, and seeing everyones pictures, and posting silly things on people’s wall. Over time, however, it became very un-fun for me. And if there is one thing I do quit it’s things that are un-fun. Believe it or not (I’m sure you don’t believe it) I have a very low tolerance for drama. I don’t like or enjoy it. Enter drama, exit me. Unless it’s really something worth fighting for and, I’m sorry if this offends you, but I don’t think Facebook is worth fighting for. At least not in my life.

To sum up- I didn’t quit Facebook. I freed myself from drama (and prying eyes). If you love Facebook then please, by all means, continue to love it and know that in no way are you being judged by me (unless you are a creepster using Facebook to perpetrate creepiness- then I am probably judging you).

Or if you insist, I totally quit Facebook to start a worldwide union of Facebook Quitters (note: only use this explanation if there ever really is a worldwide union for Facebook Quitters- and then make sure you give me all the credit for it, but only if people like it. If people hate it then it was totally your idea).

If you aren’t sure why people would quit Facebook and you don’t mind your world being rocked by truth then check out this really solid explanation of reasons for quitting the book-of-face. Somewhere in there is the reason I quit. I will let you guess which reason that is.

I Forgot Day

According to my weird holidays calendar today is “I Forgot Day”. So basically anything you forget today can be considered homage to the holiday. Like, say you forgot to pay your bills today- well the bill collectors can’t hold it against you because it’s I Forgot Day! In your face bill collectors. For future reference, you probably shouldn’t get married on this day, or have a baby, or anything else that is really important to remember.

I just looked at my real calendar- the one I keep my life together with and I realized I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. I had totally forgotten about it. I guess I’m really good at this holiday. Anyway, I actually did forget about this wedding and that isn’t really that big of a deal because I’m going with my parents and I’m pretty sure they haven’t forgotten it, but I do feel bad about forgetting it because I have to put my game face on for this wedding and be really supportive (which is hard when you think maybe(definitely) this is a huge mistake). So now I’m behind my “game-face” schedule and I’m going to have to get really good at faking it really quick. If you see me today and I have a large smile on my face but my eyes look empty and sad then don’t worry because it’s not you, it’s my this-wedding-is-a-mistake-game-face. At least I have a pretty dress to wear.

Happy I Forgot Day! Forget about it.