Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you play on the computer?
Me: Play on the computer? Play on the computer? I’m not playing on the computer. I’m working to expand my social reach so people will read my blog and then pay me to write for a living.
Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you work to expand your social reach so people will read your blog and pay you to write for a living?
Me: I’m blogging this.
Captain Thoughtful: So, was that a yes on the Spurs game….???
We ended up watching the Military History Channel. Did you know that one of George Washington’s Generals was once arrested for “wenching”? Because I was like “Sounds like his yankee doodle was dandy indeed.” And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Now that I’m married, it’s become clear to me that I have priceless dating tips to offer. All of my single friends ask me what my secret was to landing my perfect man. And this is hilarious to me, because the truth is, had we not had a mutual friend in common and had I not had some liquid courage in me at the time, I probably would have run for the nearest closet to hide in when I met Captain Thoughtful. Because that’s how I rolled. I was not a good dater. I was a flirtation failure. Basically, all the things I’m getting credit for now, I was really really bad at. But, what the hell, you want my dating tips? Sure. I’ll give ‘em to you.
1. Never repeat name date. I think dating someone with the same name of someone else you previously dated is bad luck.
2. Don’t ever let the person you’re dating see you cry when watching Titanic or Armageddon.
3. Only ever order 1 taco at dinner.
4. Don’t use emoticons when texting.
5. Don’t tell them about Grammy on the first date.
Hand to heaven, these were real dating tips I lived by pre-Captain Thoughtful. And I broke most of them while dating him (except rule number 2, that’s a thing I don’t like to subject anyone to). So maybe, takes these and then do the opposite of them and things will work out splendidly! Or, you know, real talk, liquid courage worked out pretty well for us.
So, I’m getting married in like, 5 days. And by “like 5 days” I mean, exactly 5 days. And I thought to myself, “Hey self. You’re getting married to the love of your life. You must be SUPER AWESOME at dating because you totally won the dating game when he put a ring on it.” (Note: that’s the reason engaged women wear rings, because it’s like the trophy for winning at dating. Not because it makes you someone’s property.) Then I continued talking to myself, as I am want to do, “Self, it’s me again, yourself, and I was thinking that since we won the dating game, we should share our rules for dating with the world so everyone can be a winner because we are a really really good person that everyone should love and want to give presents to.” It’s really hard to argue with that logic so here are my rules for dating.
1. Never repeat name date. That means you never date more than one person with the same name. It’s bad luck.
2. Make sure the person you’re dating understands that you know how to Google Bomb them. Just in case things get ugly.
3. If some idiot breaks up with you. Don’t be friends with them after. At least for a little while. You need to grieve the relationship and eat icing straight from a can before you’re ready to be friends.
4. Assess your date very seriously by asking yourself “How would they fare in an apocalyptic situation? Would they be of any use to me?”
5. If you make a Harry Potter reference and he/she doesn’t get it. Run like hell.
Really, this post isn’t about our wedding. It’s about the proposal. But it’s still hilarious. Kind of. I probably should have titled this post something else.
As most of you know, I am not a great flyer. And by that I mean that flying is absolutely terrifying and I would rather walk a thousand miles then fly one. But, I understand that walking isn’t very time efficient and so I occasionally have to face my fear and get on an airplane. This is very brave of me and I expect y’all to tell me so. The day that Captain Thoughtful proposed to me we were on a plane all day flying to the far-off land of Ohio to spend the weekend with his family. I had no clue that Captain Thoughtful was planning on proposing to me that weekend and even if I had a clue, it would have been pushed to the back of my brain by the terror I had at getting on the airplane. Our first flight, was extremely bumpy and we were in one of those tiny airplanes that you most frequently see burning in a field because it crashed because FLYING IS DANGEROUS. And for some reason out seats had gotten mixed up and we were seated a few rows apart. Luckily, the nice man sitting next to me was a former pilot and noticed my white knuckles and fear filled eyes, he talked me through every bump and let me know that they were “totally routine” to which I replied “routinely leading to a crash” and he chuckled because he thought I was joking but I wasn’t. Our second flight was MUCH WORSE THAN THE FIRST. It was the kind of turbulence where the entire place is lurching from side to side and is totally the type of turbulence they show planes having before they crash in the movies. And about halfway through the flight I had a full blown panic attack. Convinced we were going to die, I buried my head in Captain Thoughtful’s shoulder and cried and cried and hyperventilated and cried and told him I loved him and hyperventilated and desperately fought to pull myself together, which I didn’t until we finally landed safely. Then, I ran to the nearest bathroom and tried to compose myself before I met Captain Thoughtful’s family for the first time.
My panic attack left me completely drained and almost numb. Happily, Captain Thoughtful’s amazing family made me feel right at home and welcomed me warmly, so I was able to relax and enjoy our time there. Later that night, we went to the baseball field where Captain Thoughtful played in college (I know, it’s super hot). It was there that he proposed in the most spectacular and thoughtful way possible. I was completely surprised and that made it all the more special.
Later, he told me how he was afraid I was going to find out because he ket fidgeting with the box and checking his backpack to make sure it was safe and hidden. But, of course I didn’t notice because I was too busy having a panic attack on the airplane. Which, in retrospect was completely awesome because had I been calm, I would definitely have noticed that something was up and it would have completely ruined the proposal surprise.
I may be the only person in the world who is thankful for a panic attack. But only that one, because it actually helped make that day one of the best of my life. True story.
So, it’s Captain Thoughtful’s birthday today and I really love that guy a whole bunch so I’m dedicating this post to him. Because it’s about him. More specifically, it’s about the gifts I was going to get him but didn’t and that he should probably thank me for not doing.
1. A kangaroo. Captain Thoughtful loves kangaroos but I heard they will totally kick your chest in and also one of his best friends is going to Australia for 5 months and he’s going to miss him so I didn’t want to rub it in by buying a kangaroo for his birthday. Because I’m thoughtful like that. And I couldn’t find a kangaroo.
2. Skydiving. Sure, he really wants to skydive but I figured it’s not worth listening to me worry about him non-stop for weeks on end and telling him about all the stories I heard about (and made up) about people dying horrible skydiving deaths because they accidentally flew into airplanes or got smacked in the face by birds who were angry that people were trying to invade their sky territory.
3. A bear hug. Like, an actual hug from a bear. It just seems like you would feel so safe and secure and loved in a bear’s arms. However, party-poopers convinced me otherwise.
You’re welcome Captain Thoughtful. Happy birthday!!! And also, I love your guts!!!
Remember that time I was nervous on Friday? Well, I was nervous because I was meeting Captain Thoughtful’s family. Then I met them and they were ridiculously awesome. Then, Captain Thoughtful ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AND I TACKLED HIM TO THE GROUND AND SAID YES A MILLION TIMES AND CRIED ALL OVER HIS SHIRT AND IT WAS SPECTACULAR!!!!
I saw these tips from a 1938 dating guide for women and it made it very very clear to me that had I been born earlier I most certainly would have died alone.
Women who enjoy conversation while dancing are careless? Ok. Fine. Consider me careless because I think it’s a little weird not to say something when you’re dancing. I mean, you’re just like swaying around and there are lots of other people sort of swaying around in your vicinity. A little talking, maybe a little hypocritical mocking of other people’s dance skills, really improves the moment if you ask me.
I can’t believe no one ever told me that everything I like and am interested in is boring and that the only things in life worth talking about are things that men want to talk about. I guess public school really let me down on that one because I think I’m interesting as hell.
Not so. I get super duper extra clever when I’ve had too much to drink. Like, the kind of clever people wish they were. I’m the cleverest drunk there ever was. Ever. And for the record, cleverness is just silliness with a tuxedo on.
How are men supposed to know you like them if you don’t tug on their ear?
Um, I’m not a robot ok? I’m a real human person who has feelings and maybe gets a little choked up when ordering lobster because lobsters mate for life and I am probably breaking up a very happy couple by eating one. Also, I just found out lobsters don’t actually mate for life and that makes me sad too.
Oh man. Look at that guy looking at that girl with floppy boobs. He is disgusted. Obviously, men hate boobies and want them locked up in a boob jail aka a bra at all times.
Conclusion: 1938 was not a great year for dating advice.
A while back I got several requests for Captain Thoughtful to write a post and write a post he did. Prepare yourselves for some beautiful words. Feel free to marvel at how a flirtation failure with a penchant for rough language like me ended up in love with the most wonderful man in the world.
God bless geography. God bless Austin, Texas. God bless live music. God bless The Gourds. God bless Patrick Sweany. God bless Girl on the Contrary. Without my love for geography, Austin, live music, the Gourds, Patrick Sweany, and of course Girl on the Contrary, there would not be a guest blog from me (Captain Thoughtful) today.
My arrival to central Texas took quite a haphazard route. A route many a lost sixteenth century explorer would be proud of. A native Ohioan (yes, you may all gasp that a Yankee is living in Texas) generally does not willingly move to Michigan, but alas that was the first part of the journey. The pursuit of avoiding the real world and getting a “grown up person job” (thank you grad school) leads people to do things they normally would not consider, like moving to the Arctic wasteland that is Michigan. Suffering from the intolerable cruelty that is a Michigan winter, I attended a geography conference in Puerto Rico where I made a favorable impression upon faculty at a university in Texas.
Lured by warm temperatures and four more years of grad school, avoiding the real world and feeling like a grown up, I made the move to Texas. Fast forward one year and I find myself enjoying another great concert in Austin (shocking, I know), when out of nowhere, Girl on the Contrary walks in the door. My roommate had told me that one of his friends was going to meet up with our group. However, he failed to mention that she was the most beautiful woman in the entire world! That’s a true story. Look it up in the dictionary, you’ll see her picture. A few gulps of liquid courage later, I found myself talking to Girl on the Contrary, and right away I was done for. I knew she was something special and I was trying my best to play it cool (as cool as a guy could be who, on a dare decided to grow a beard for four months). I must have done something right, because here I am six months later.
Sure, the story of how we met is a classic “by chance” encounter. The guy from Ohio and the girl from Texas, attending a concert featuring two acts from, yep, you guessed it, Ohio and Texas. The stars have aligned! The Mayans were right! What are the odds? Who cares?! All I know is that night in late September I met the love of my life! Folks, those of you who are dedicated followers of Girl on the Contrary (and there are many of you!) already know this, but she rocks! Seriously y’all (yes, she has me saying y’all, although breaking me of my “pop” habit and adopting “soda” might take a while), she is beautiful, loving, caring, funny, clever, smart, creative, adventurous, and quite frankly, just the most amazing woman ever!
To quote Shakespeare, specifically The Tempest, “what’s past is prologue.” As exciting and memorable as the last six months have been with Girl on the Contrary, I am even more excited to see what the future holds for us. Whatever may come, I know that the greatest woman in the world is standing next to me and we will have as much fun as possible conquering the world, one blog or one lecture at a time. I will (temporarily) leave you loyal followers of Girl on the Contrary with one of the most beautiful songs ever written, “Where I Should Always Be,” complements of one of the finest bands ever: The Band:
Who knew, Austin, Texas is where I should always be. God bless geography. God bless Austin, Texas. God bless live music. God bless The Gourds. God bless Patrick Sweany. God bless Girl on the Contrary.
PS, Girl on the Contrary, I love you with all of my heart and soul, forever and ever!
I’m not even going to lie to y’all, I totally cried when I read this post. Am I the luckiest girl in the world? Definitely.
This week is SXSW in Austin and usually I try to avoid it at all costs because it means there will be lots of strangers in my city walking in the middle of the street, clogging up all my favorite restaurants, and taking all the best parking spots downtown, which turns me into a grouch extraordinaire. However, there are also lots of stellar free shows during SXSW and my love of music frequently overrides my grumpiness about everything else. It was because of that love of music that I went to see Patrick Sweany play yesterday with Captain Thoughtful. Cute story, Captain Thoughtful and I met at a Patrick Sweany concert. (Cue the “awwwws”)
You may not have heard of Patrick Sweany and that’s a crying ass shame because Patrick Sweany means good music. Really good music. Pure rock n roll with a strong blues and soul influence. It’s the kind of music that I will love 80 years from now when I live on the moon and drive a flying car. His show was well worth driving downtown in the middle of SXSW for. Have a listen.
Them Shoes
More and More
Shoestring
He also plays a mint green guitar so, it’s kind of impossible not to like him. http://patricksweany.com/
Happy weekend folks! Remember to wear green tomorrow or leprechauns will steal your babies. (That’s the legend, right?)
