This is the type of thing that happens almost every night at home.
Me: Honey, there is a mosquito on the ceiling.
Captain Thoughtful: I got this. Whoa! There are two of them up here! I’m going to smash them so hard. It’s going to be like “Face Off.”
Me: That makes no sense.
Captain Thoughtful: I know.
Me: I feel like, though, like, I want to make it make sense.
Captain Thoughtful: Right?!
Today is Captain Thoughtful’s birthday and as agreed upon I must say “Pop” instead of “Soda” today as agreed upon in our pre-nup. Just kidding, we didn’t have a pre-nup we just had like a pre-marriage talk about how on on my birthday he has to say “Soda” and on his birthday I have to say “Pop”.
And now I’m thinking about the time we went to Ohio and the lady taking our order asked me what kind of “pop” I wanted and I literally had no idea what she was asking me. My first thought was “Hop on Pop? Like Dr. Seuss?” but I figured that was wrong and so I just turned to Captain Thoughtful and was said something along the lines of “Words that are English…..but I can’t comprehend….” and then he told her I wanted a Coca-Cola and I was like “OH! Pop is soda.” and everyone there looked at me like I made them sad.
Anyway, Happy Birthday Captain Thoughtful! I promise to order “pop” at dinner.
Also, I love you more and more every day. More and more than words can say.
Last week, Captain Thoughtful was out of town and I missed him very much. And also, I realized how differently I hear things when he’s home with me. When he’s home, a loud noise in the night causes me to curse the neighbors children who apparently wear bowling balls for shoes. When he’s not home, a loud noise in the night causes me to grab a baseball bat and have 911 pre-dialed on my phone.
I think that’s called perspective, but I prefer to think of it as CaptainThoughtfulcannevergooutoftownwithoutmeagain.
Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you play on the computer?
Me: Play on the computer? Play on the computer? I’m not playing on the computer. I’m working to expand my social reach so people will read my blog and then pay me to write for a living.
Captain Thoughtful: Do you mind if I watch the Spurs game while you work to expand your social reach so people will read your blog and pay you to write for a living?
Me: I’m blogging this.
Captain Thoughtful: So, was that a yes on the Spurs game….???
We ended up watching the Military History Channel. Did you know that one of George Washington’s Generals was once arrested for “wenching”? Because I was like “Sounds like his yankee doodle was dandy indeed.” And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Now that I’m married, it’s become clear to me that I have priceless dating tips to offer. All of my single friends ask me what my secret was to landing my perfect man. And this is hilarious to me, because the truth is, had we not had a mutual friend in common and had I not had some liquid courage in me at the time, I probably would have run for the nearest closet to hide in when I met Captain Thoughtful. Because that’s how I rolled. I was not a good dater. I was a flirtation failure. Basically, all the things I’m getting credit for now, I was really really bad at. But, what the hell, you want my dating tips? Sure. I’ll give ‘em to you.
1. Never repeat name date. I think dating someone with the same name of someone else you previously dated is bad luck.
2. Don’t ever let the person you’re dating see you cry when watching Titanic or Armageddon.
3. Only ever order 1 taco at dinner.
4. Don’t use emoticons when texting.
5. Don’t tell them about Grammy on the first date.
Hand to heaven, these were real dating tips I lived by pre-Captain Thoughtful. And I broke most of them while dating him (except rule number 2, that’s a thing I don’t like to subject anyone to). So maybe, takes these and then do the opposite of them and things will work out splendidly! Or, you know, real talk, liquid courage worked out pretty well for us.
These are my “I’m getting married today y’all!” jazz hands.
So, I’m getting married in like, 5 days. And by “like 5 days” I mean, exactly 5 days. And I thought to myself, “Hey self. You’re getting married to the love of your life. You must be SUPER AWESOME at dating because you totally won the dating game when he put a ring on it.” (Note: that’s the reason engaged women wear rings, because it’s like the trophy for winning at dating. Not because it makes you someone’s property.) Then I continued talking to myself, as I am want to do, “Self, it’s me again, yourself, and I was thinking that since we won the dating game, we should share our rules for dating with the world so everyone can be a winner because we are a really really good person that everyone should love and want to give presents to.” It’s really hard to argue with that logic so here are my rules for dating.
1. Never repeat name date. That means you never date more than one person with the same name. It’s bad luck.
2. Make sure the person you’re dating understands that you know how to Google Bomb them. Just in case things get ugly.
3. If some idiot breaks up with you. Don’t be friends with them after. At least for a little while. You need to grieve the relationship and eat icing straight from a can before you’re ready to be friends.
4. Assess your date very seriously by asking yourself “How would they fare in an apocalyptic situation? Would they be of any use to me?”
5. If you make a Harry Potter reference and he/she doesn’t get it. Run like hell.
I’m just saying, it totally worked for me.
Really, this post isn’t about our wedding. It’s about the proposal. But it’s still hilarious. Kind of. I probably should have titled this post something else.
As most of you know, I am not a great flyer. And by that I mean that flying is absolutely terrifying and I would rather walk a thousand miles then fly one. But, I understand that walking isn’t very time efficient and so I occasionally have to face my fear and get on an airplane. This is very brave of me and I expect y’all to tell me so. The day that Captain Thoughtful proposed to me we were on a plane all day flying to the far-off land of Ohio to spend the weekend with his family. I had no clue that Captain Thoughtful was planning on proposing to me that weekend and even if I had a clue, it would have been pushed to the back of my brain by the terror I had at getting on the airplane. Our first flight, was extremely bumpy and we were in one of those tiny airplanes that you most frequently see burning in a field because it crashed because FLYING IS DANGEROUS. And for some reason out seats had gotten mixed up and we were seated a few rows apart. Luckily, the nice man sitting next to me was a former pilot and noticed my white knuckles and fear filled eyes, he talked me through every bump and let me know that they were “totally routine” to which I replied “routinely leading to a crash” and he chuckled because he thought I was joking but I wasn’t. Our second flight was MUCH WORSE THAN THE FIRST. It was the kind of turbulence where the entire place is lurching from side to side and is totally the type of turbulence they show planes having before they crash in the movies. And about halfway through the flight I had a full blown panic attack. Convinced we were going to die, I buried my head in Captain Thoughtful’s shoulder and cried and cried and hyperventilated and cried and told him I loved him and hyperventilated and desperately fought to pull myself together, which I didn’t until we finally landed safely. Then, I ran to the nearest bathroom and tried to compose myself before I met Captain Thoughtful’s family for the first time.
My panic attack left me completely drained and almost numb. Happily, Captain Thoughtful’s amazing family made me feel right at home and welcomed me warmly, so I was able to relax and enjoy our time there. Later that night, we went to the baseball field where Captain Thoughtful played in college (I know, it’s super hot). It was there that he proposed in the most spectacular and thoughtful way possible. I was completely surprised and that made it all the more special.
Later, he told me how he was afraid I was going to find out because he ket fidgeting with the box and checking his backpack to make sure it was safe and hidden. But, of course I didn’t notice because I was too busy having a panic attack on the airplane. Which, in retrospect was completely awesome because had I been calm, I would definitely have noticed that something was up and it would have completely ruined the proposal surprise.
I may be the only person in the world who is thankful for a panic attack. But only that one, because it actually helped make that day one of the best of my life. True story.
So, it’s Captain Thoughtful’s birthday today and I really love that guy a whole bunch so I’m dedicating this post to him. Because it’s about him. More specifically, it’s about the gifts I was going to get him but didn’t and that he should probably thank me for not doing.
1. A kangaroo. Captain Thoughtful loves kangaroos but I heard they will totally kick your chest in and also one of his best friends is going to Australia for 5 months and he’s going to miss him so I didn’t want to rub it in by buying a kangaroo for his birthday. Because I’m thoughtful like that. And I couldn’t find a kangaroo.
2. Skydiving. Sure, he really wants to skydive but I figured it’s not worth listening to me worry about him non-stop for weeks on end and telling him about all the stories I heard about (and made up) about people dying horrible skydiving deaths because they accidentally flew into airplanes or got smacked in the face by birds who were angry that people were trying to invade their sky territory.
3. A bear hug. Like, an actual hug from a bear. It just seems like you would feel so safe and secure and loved in a bear’s arms. However, party-poopers convinced me otherwise.
You’re welcome Captain Thoughtful. Happy birthday!!! And also, I love your guts!!!
Remember that time I was nervous on Friday? Well, I was nervous because I was meeting Captain Thoughtful’s family. Then I met them and they were ridiculously awesome. Then, Captain Thoughtful ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AND I TACKLED HIM TO THE GROUND AND SAID YES A MILLION TIMES AND CRIED ALL OVER HIS SHIRT AND IT WAS SPECTACULAR!!!!
Yeah. That was a thing that happened.