Watching the previews prior to seeing Catching Fire (which, oh my word y’all all the feels…..)
Captain Thoughtful: What is this?!
Me: They are advertising for the One Direction Movie DVD.
Captain Thoughtful: No. No. I already saw this commercial/preview once. I’m not watching it again. They can’t make me. NO.
Me: (Laughing) Well, they are bound to show it more than one time.
Captain Thoughtful: No. No. I won’t stand for this. I saw it once, I should never have to see it again.
Me: Now it’s over.
Captain Thoughtful: There will not be a third time. Not. A. Third. Time.
Last weekend, we had a bridal shower for my dear friend Grace of The Spinsters fame. I arranged all the flowers for it, so necessarily, I needed to buy a large amount of flowers. While in the checkout line with all the flowers, an old man who was in front of me turned and said “What a lovely bunch of flowers! What do you need so many for?” to which I said, “For a bridal shower.” to which he then said “Oh! Is your daughter getting married?”
And then I died. The end.
So, I had the flu last week, and in between feverishly hallucinating about unicorns and coughing up both of my lungs twice, I was clear-headed enough to think about all of the things I can’t live without when I’m sick and that y’all need to know about. Because I’m a giver. You’re welcome.
Sweet Leaf Mint and Honey Green Tea. Major shout out to this Austin TX company!! Previously, I thought mint and honey was best on a hot hot day (so refreshing!) but it turns out, it’s also very soothing when it feels like you swallowed glass. If you can’t buy this in your local grocery store, order it from Amazon. But only if you like things that are delicious.
Puffs Plus with Lotion. Yes, they charge more for the lotion and yes, you need these unless you want your nose to look like you took a large piece of sandpaper to it.
A Hoodie. Am I the only person who wants to keep a hood pulled over their head when they have the flu? I don’t know why but it makes me feel better. I’m currently (and by currently, I mean since I was 18) rocking a lime green three-quarter sleeved hoodie that doesn’t even have a tag anymore so I can’t tell you where I got it, but it’s awesome and you should get one too.
A Guilty Pleasure TV Show. Get thy-self a Netflix account immediately if you don’t already have one, and then spend your flu days watching all the TV you wouldn’t normally watch. My guilty pleasures? Hart of Dixie and Pretty Little Liars.
I hope none of you are sick right now, but if you are, use my favorite things to heal yourself Also, see a doctor. I mean, probably my favorite things will heal you, but they can’t write you a prescription for antivirals.
On my way back from NYC last week, I was flipping through a SkyMall (because frankly, that shit cracks me up), when I found something that would CHANGE MY LIFE.
A Harry Potter magic wand remote control.
Just think of all the spells I could cast! Anytime someone that I didn’t like came on TV, I would be like “Petrificus Totalas!” and it would freeze the screen (pause it). OR, if I was watching a History Channel special on Hitler, I would be like “Avada Kedavra!” and then I would have KILLED HITLER. (aka, turned off the TV).
I need this wand in my life so bad y’all.
So, I’m in the
purgatory process of changing my last name to Captain Thoughtful’s and my middle name to my maiden name. AND THEN THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN. Which means, the social security administration currently has my passport and marriage license, and it’s going to stay there until the government re-opens.
WHICH MEANS I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS RIGHT NOW. Because everything I have in my possession (drivers license, social security card, etc.) has my maiden on it – BUT- if they had already processed my name-change paperwork, because it had been there for about 2 weeks before the shut down, then LEGALLY, my name has changed but they were’t able to send me my new social security card before things got shut down and so I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY NAME IS.
So basically, this keeps happening….
Customer Service Representative: Hi, can I have your name please?
Me: Which one? I can give you the name on my drivers license but I’m in the process of getting a name change and therefore a new drivers license but the government shut down and now I’m not sure what’s going on with my paperwork.
Customer Service Representative: Yeah, I can’t help you. You can’t reserve hotels, flights, or anything right now. YOU HAVE NO LEGAL NAME. No one can help you.
Me: I know.
Remember how I used my sweet math skills and love of gin to overcome my fear of flying? Well, there may have been a slight flaw in my math. Shocking, I know. The variable I failed to consider was work trips. I dont have to take them often so it’s an understandable oversight, right? Regardless, I am flying to NYC today and heading straight for a work event as soon as I land and I’m guessing the smell of gin on my breath might send a bad message. My genius failed to account for this. So, anyone else have any bright “conquering your fear” type thoughts? An odor-less gin recipe perhaps?
You know when you see a shirt that you really like and you want to buy? And then you see a complete asshat wearing the same shirt? So, you don’t buy it because you don’t want to have the same style as an asshat?
I hate it when that happens. Why can’t all asshats just dress badly? Oh right, because they are asshats and want to ruin things for the rest of us.
Captain Thoughtful and I live within walking distance of a Target, which means we are there a lot. A lot a lot. It also means when we have just about any type of craving, we completely give in to it because it’s so easy to walk to Target and pick whatever it is up. This has resulted in many late night pastry, ice cream, kettle chips, soda, cheese, and popcorn runs. And also, it’s apparently resulted in the Target cashiers getting the wrong idea about me and the good Captain.
Last night at Target we were checking out with our frozen yogurt when the cashier recommended some chocolate covered potato chips because she thought we “would like it” that it “sounds weird” but “seems like something you would like”. We thanked her for the recommendation and then left.
Captain Thoughtful: The cashiers at Target think we’re stoners.
Me: No they don’t.
Captain Thoughtful: We just ran in right before closing for frozen yogurt.
Me: That’s because we had a spicy dinner and I needed something cool to quench my tummy fire. That’s science.
Captain Thoughtful: Think of all the times we come running in before closing for pastries, and chips, and popcorn, and cheese, and coca-cola.
Captain Thoughtful: Frequently in lounge clothes.
Captain Thoughtful: I’m wearing swimming trunks right now and we haven’t been swimming.
Me: Ok. Yeah. The cashiers probably think we’re stoners. And honestly, after this discussion, I’m wondering myself.
Captain Thoughtful: We need a new Target.
This is not that point. I mean, I think we’re almost there, but not quite. You remember a couple weeks ago, when I couldn’t tell my stress symptoms apart from pregnancy symptoms? Well, in the past two weeks, TWO of my cousins have announced they’re having babies.
Obviously, what I was doing two weeks ago was sensing the baby announcements and because my gift is so raw and untrained, I was a bit muddled about the details of what I was sensing. It wasn’t my own pregnancy (obviously) it was THEIRS. It all makes sense now y’all. I really think we are rapidly approaching a point where we will just have to admit I’m clairvoyant. Again, not right now, we’re not there yet, but we are definitely getting there. Don’t you think?
Remember when I burned my right arm with bacon grease and then said it wasn’t that big of a deal because my right arm was nothing more than a “symmetrically pleasing accessory”? Yeah, well, my right arm was apparently pretty offended by that. And by offended, I mean pissed. So pissed, that it wanted to take it’s revenge on me.
So, it let itself get stabbed by a paring knife while I was cutting cantaloupe. Totally on purpose. Sure, my right arm wanted me to think it was an accident, but I know better. I know that it wanted me to realize how much I need it. Or at least, how much I need the fingers attached to it, because the paring knife stabbed deep into my right ring finger and I had to go to the ER and everything. And it hurt. And it was almost impossible to type for about a week until it healed enough for me to put some pressure on it.
But my right arm wasn’t done yet, no. Once at the ER it practically begged the Doctor to give me a tetanus shot in it as well. And it was sore for days. FOR DAYS.
Message received right arm. I use you a lot more than I thought and I need you. I really really need you. Although, if I can just say, this was a pretty masochistic plan, effective sure, but probably a bit of an overreaction, no? Couldn’t you have just sent me an angry email?