Not every day can be a great day and yesterday was a non-great day for me. But then, on my way home from work, I saw a man in a kilt paying a parking meter in downtown Austin and I thought, “You know, sometimes the universe can really delight you.”
Hey universe, thanks.
Last Thursday, I stopped by one of my favorite Austin eateries, Snap Kitchen, for a quick (and healthy!) bite of lunch. I picked up a salad (spinach and goat cheese, if you’re nosy) and paid the clerk at the counter who proceeded to tell me that Brad Womack of The Bachelor fame had, not five minutes before me, bought that exact same salad!
Ladies, I can tell you for sure he likes spinach and goat cheese.
I’m D-list celebrity adjacent y’all. D-list. Celebrity. Adjacent.
If you’re a gal in her late twenties (as I am) then you have a pretty heavy list of thing you’re supposed to worry about.
1. Your fertility is going-going-almost gone! Make the babies! Make the babies!
2. Wrinkles! You’ll be an old hag by the end of the year! Creams! Serums! Masks! Facials! PANIC.
3. Money money money money monnnneeeeee… you don’t have enough. Work more. Get a better job. Make the moola. But, don’t work so hard that you don’t have the time and energy for a baby, because as I mentioned earlier, you have to make one of those like yesterday.
4. Pilates! Kardashians! Fashion! Juice cleanses! Organic food! Anti-oxidants! Miley Cyrus’s hair! You need to know about all these things at all times.
5. Did you know women start menopause as early as 35? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
OR
You could worry about the things I actually worry about.
1. There are people literally trying to Jurassic Park dinosaur DNA. As in, bring dinosaurs back to life.
2. Rogue cows. There was a cow in our backyard last Saturday, a cow that was not behind a fence. How did you get out cow? Can you apparate? Can you? Cows can apparate y’all. You’ve been warned.
3. I saw a girl wearing leather shorts the other day, and apparently it’s the fashion thing to do, but y’all, this is Texas. Hot hot Texas, and if girls start wearing leather shorts all the time, I’m worried we’ll have an epidemic of vagina suffocation on our hands.
4. Read this. Brain juice was leaking out of his nose. Think about that next time you get the sniffles.
5. Being served any kind of BBQ other than Texas BBQ.
Seriously, who has time to worry about money and babies when there are cows apparating? Priorities.
Captain Thoughtful and I moved last weekend. I learned some things.
1. Grammy thinks Captain Thoughtful and I have too much Tabasco. She’s incorrect. There is no such thing as too much Tabasco.
2. I have a shocking lack of upper body strength and an equally shocking amount of lower body strength. My legs could move mountains. My arms have a difficult time with a small box of books.
3. You always have more things than you think you have. I’m pretty sure it’s a law of physics. Physics will ALWAYS screw you over in a move.
4. Unpacking sucks as much as packing. That large apartment you just rented? As soon as you move in, it will shrink. Again, physics. Or magic. Could be both.
5. After a long day of moving, there is only one thing that will heal all wounds, sore muscles, and overall exhaustion. That thing is Whataburger.
Oh, and I really really don’t like moving. At all. My arms, they are sore. So very very sore. Someone, please come to Austin and carry things for me. Please. I’ll give you bubble wrap. I have, like, lots of it.
Last Saturday, I found the cure for baby fever.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
The cure for baby fever is going to Ikea on a Saturday. No matter how much you want children when you walk in, you will walk out thanking all of the major deities and many of the minor ones that right at that particular moment, you don’t have children.
I can’t wait to win some major scientific awards for this! Is this a thing they give Nobel Prizes for? Because I may already have my acceptance speech written…
In your face scientific community! That’s what you get for not recognizing the post I wrote about poisonous mutant spiders. Now you all look silly and I look like a genius. Which I am. Because I found a cure for baby fever. At Ikea, which is like the worst place for important scientific thinking ever and yet I still made this discovery. Like a boss. A boss of science.
You’re welcome world.
Yesterday was a bad day.
First, I had weird pseudo-nightmares about tornadoes. Then, I woke up late. Then traffic was really bad and I was late to work. Then work sucked the life-force out of me in a very brutal and possibly illegal kind of way. Then it started raining and hailing and I was like “My tornado dreams are coming true! I’m a psychic!” which is like a pretty profound and really heavy thought to have because you’re scared by both the tornados and the realization that you’re a psychic and holy hell your whole life is going to change! And then there was a lull in the rain and no tornados, so I was relieved because tornados are the worst (some day I’m going to have to tell you about the time I thought I was a witch and caused a tornado to happen) and also whew I’m not a psychic so like, less responsibility. Then, it took me 2 HOURS to drive about 15 miles and I wanted to start crying and then I really did scream to let out the frustration and then my throat hurt. Then, I finally got home and Captain Thoughtful ordered pizza for dinner which was really sweet but by the time it got to us, it was after 9pm and I was starving so I ate way too much and way too fast and then I threw up all the pizza. Then I went to bed because what’s the point and good grief amiright?
That’s how GotC does a bad day.
The other day I was thinking about names (because I saw that Veronica Mars Kristen Bell had a baby and named it Lincoln, which I love) and how Captain Thoughtful’s Mom’s middle name is Jane. And then I thought about how police and medical examiners call unknown victims Jane Doe, and I bet that it’s really weird when they find out the name of the victim and it really is Jane. And then I thought about how Jane Doe would be a cool roller derby name because it’s like “BOOM I’m an unknown victim you don’t know what I’m capable of!” and then I was like “Wait! Jane Doe-Eyed” because it speaks to being scary and pretty.
And that’s how I came up with my roller derby name.
Just kidding. I would totally want to be called Madame Guillotine because CHOP!
If I could skate, I would be the best roller derby girl ever. Or at least have a plethora of stellar roller derby names to choose from.
So, I was sick all last week. No one seemed to notice, which is worrisome because what if I had been kidnapped y’all? What if I was slowly bleeding out from accidentally rupturing something inside my guts by eating too much of something (if I had to guess it would probably by gummi worms)??? What if y’all??
Anyway, neither one of those things happened, I was just really really sick. I had the flu plus a double ear infection, which is basically just like having the plague and I found myself saying “I’m not dead yet!” just in case Captain Thoughtful had any thoughts of throwing me on the plague cart. Because I would hate for him to have to feel the guilt of throwing me away when I wasn’t even dead yet. I’m always thinking about his happiness.
The biggest problem last week was that when I laid down, I couldn’t breathe so I sat up. But when I was sitting up I couldn’t keep the heating pad on my ears (it helps with the pain of earaches). Then Captain Thoughtful thought of this…..
He’s always thinking of my happiness too.
Have you heard about the uber-rich-fellow-of-riches (His official title..in my head) who is building a Titanic II???
BUILDING. ANOTHER. TITANIC.
Just let that sink in. Haha get it? *Sink* in. I didn’t even do that on purpose, I’m just naturally hilarious like that. But back to the matter at hand, the Titanic II is a really really terrible idea. It’s the terrible-ist. Remember the first one? IT SANK. People were killed, poor people were locked in steerage, Jack froze to death. I mean, why in the world would you want to build another one of those?
As someone who was profoundly and ashamedly effected by the movie and then who subsequently went on to research everything she could possibly find about the *actual* Titanic, I am horrified by this idea. It’s like flipping off Poseidon. Which, if memory serves, is EXACTLY what they did with the first Titanic by calling it “unsinkable”. Newsflash: Poseidon does not like to have his strength called into question. Doesn’t anyone have to take Greek Mythology anymore?
You could not pay me to get on that boat. Not that they’re doing that. You have to pay boatloads (haha get it- seriously this hilarity is just free flowing out of me) to get a place on the Titanic II. And that is crazy y’all. For lots of reasons, but mainly, and I really can’t stress this enough, IT’S THE TITANIC. Except it’s more like Titanic: The Sequel- Lots More People Die: The Reckoning: Poseidon Is Pissed, which is a really long title and it’s common knowledge the longer the movie title the more tragedy there is. TRAGEDY PEOPLE.
I mean, c’mon. Everyone had to think this is a bad idea? Right? Amiright?
What I’m trying to say is- Check yourself before you LITERALLY wreck yourself. (I am on fire with the jokes today!)
Every time I hear this song, I remember one summer when I had spent some time with the Grandparents and they were driving me home and my Grammy let me choose the radio station. Beck’s “Loser” came on and before the song was halfway over, my Grammy turned it down, turned to me and said “Honey. Why would he want to get killed? He isn’t a loser! He has a song on the radio!” and I thought “All Beck needs is a Grammy.”
