Category Archives: Culture

Into Every Generation, A Superfan Is Born.

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Buffy and Angel

I love Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I love her! I have seen every episode of that show hundreds of times and have a deep and undying love for it. Buffy was one of the few kick ass female leads in television during my teenage years and always had something snarky to say, therefore, she was my hero. Also, she saved the world lots.

Now, I don’t know if y’all are fans or not but the way Buffy ended was pretty stellar. I cried a lot during that final episode and was very pleased with how the series ended up. Except…..well, they really left Buffy and Angel open-ended and I would like to know that they ended up together in the end. Because they were star-crossed y’all, star-crossed. And sure, many of you may point out that the show Angel could answer that question for me and I *did* watch some episodes of Angel, until they started doing weird things to Cordelia and then I was out. And also Spike wasn’t really dead and that was weird too, so I don’t count Angel or really anything that happened in it. It might not be fair, but that’s just how it is.

So, because I am entirely too emotionally involved in these fictional characters and love me some happy ending action, I would like to offer the conclusion to the Buffy-Angel saga. It’s along the lines of Buffy and Angel reconnect, fall back in love with one another,  fight evil together, save the world lots, live happily ever after, and then when Buffy grows old and dies, Angel stakes himself and they spend eternity together. The end. Please take note that they do not have children because no matter what Twilight taught you, centuries old vampire sperm is not viable.

Are there any shows you were too attached to?

A Year In Books

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The Lost Continent

For the last two weeks I’ve been reading The Lost Continent by Bill Bryson. I took an extra week to read it because it was excellent and I didn’t want to rush through it. Bill Bryson has completely won me over as an author and I will definitely be reading more of his books. This book took me completely by surprise, it’s the chronicle of Bryson’s road trip across American after having lived in the UK for many years. So, pretty awesome.

When I first started reading the book I felt a little lost, when Bryson was describing certain places it seemed to me he was relying on a lot of stereotype. I kept thinking “Wait. I’ve been there, it’s not like that at all.” and then I remembered that Bryson’s road trip was in 1987. 1987 was a completely different time  and although it doesn’t seem to be that long ago, I imagine things were probably a lot different 24 years ago. Once I got over that- I was full in. Bryson is hilarious. His adventures on the road are completely relatable and, perhaps unintentionally, perhaps intentionally, satirical. Basically, his writing is my jam.

It’s a travel memoir but it’s unlike any travel memoir you’ve ever read. Not only because it’s very very funny, but also because it seems so familiar and comforting. Most Americans have taken a road trip or two around the country, usually at fairly young ages, so the idea of someone well into their adulthood trying to recapture a little bit of that childhood nostalgia resonates. It resonates hard. It’s also very compelling because we all know just how enormous the US is and therefore have mad respect for anyone who attempts to drive across it. It’s definitely what you refer to as a “journey” and not merely a “trip”.

Seriously y’all, this book is one of the best I’ve read all year. I loved everything about it. The snarkiness, the endearment, the good, the bad, and the tourist attractions. It was all brilliantly written and made me want to jump in my car and take off for the open road immediately.

What are you guys reading this week?

Tampon Commercials Offend Me

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Warning: This post talks about tampons and menstruation. I hope it’s funny. If you’re not interested in taking a chance on a maybe funny post about periods then I will give you another topic to discuss in the comments section: Reality TV is it hilarious or horrific? 

vintage tampon ad

Guess what? I’m a young woman and that means I menstruate. Shocker! It’s really not that big of a deal except it means I’m capable of bringing new life into the world and that’s pretty freaking awesome. Unfortunately, when it comes to periods (and I’m not talking punctuation) people tend to focus on the monthly hemorrhaging that takes places. And yes, that aspect of it is unpleasant. Luckily for women today, we have an entire artillery of products to help make those periods just the slightest bit less unpleasant. One of those products is tampons. Yay tampons! If you’re a woman you know what I’m talking about, if you’re a man then suffice it to say that tampons make things easier for us ladies during visits from “Aunt Flow”.

Actually before I go on my tampon rant- I would like to say that there are like hundreds of ways women refer to their periods and while someone once pointed out to me that there were 3 slang terms for period for every 1 slang term for ejaculation and how that was just another example of society’s anti-woman stance, I have to be honest here, I think they’re lots of fun. Her point of course was that women feel the need to hide their natural bodily functions while men have no such concerns, but for me, it’s more about how thinking of code names for things is fun. I mean, I would much rather say “crimson wave” (Thanks Cher Horowitz!) than “menstruation” but that’s just me. It’s not about shame- it’s about trying to be more clever than everyone else.

So, you’ve probably seen tampon commercials. My guess is you’ve seen a lot of them. I know I have. And while I have always found them ridiculous, it wasn’t until recently that they started offending me. Not because they are almost all campy, unrealistic, and feature only thin and peppy young women (apparently they are the only ones entitled to “Happy periods”), but because they insult my intelligence. I mean, I’ve had my period for over a decade now. I’ve pretty much got it figured out, I know which products I like and which products I don’t. Sure, I’m willing to try something new, but you have to give me some real qualifiable information to convince me. And that is something all tampon commercials are short on- information. It’s lots of cheerleaders doing splits, and girls in white running through meadows, and most recently, snarky brunettes calling those other commercials ridiculous while being only slightly less ridiculous (Finally- a tampon that comes in box with an edgy design- *that’s* what I’ve been waiting for!). What I don’t hear much of is what those tampons will actually do for me. Is it more absorbant? It is less likely to give me toxic shock syndrome if I leave it in for more than 8 hours? Will it make me more qualified to recommend myself to strangers? Will it make all my PMS symptoms disappear? Will it enable me to become invisible? Seriously. These are questions that need answers. I need information. I need facts. I need science.

Apparently, facts and science is exactly the opposite of what tampon commercials think women understand or respond to. And that’s insulting. Listen, I know lots of market research goes into creating these commercials, so I’m sure the commercials were made with every intention of being most appealing to the targeted consumer, you know, women who menstruate, but I have to wonder what options were given for consideration. I mean, if asked to choose between a black box and a pink box, I would probably choose the black box. But if you told me that the black box was filled with the same old tampons and the pink box was filled with new and improved tampons that are more absorbant, more comfortable, and would do my laundry for me, then I would absolutely choose the pink box. It’s in the details people- it all about information.

Yeah– that’s right tampon advertisers, I want information. And I understand it. And I make most of my decisions based on solid amounts of it. In your face! Now, please stop making tampon commercials like this:

You see, you’re making fun of tampon commercials in a tampon commercial but you still didn’t tell me anything about your “new” tampons. All you showed me was a snarky brunette and your new “edgier” box design.I do very much appreciate your point about the blue liquid (because that’s ridiculous) but I also noticed you didn’t offer up any images of red liquid….so….not good enough Kotex. Not good enough.

Am I right, ladies?

The Unfriend/Unfollow Dilema

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Unfriend

Sometimes, I really hate social media. Sometimes, I really love it. Today though, I mostly hate it and the predicaments it puts us into. I long for a simpler time when it was easy to stop being someone’s friend. You just ignored their calls and texts. Done. It was swell. But now, on top of ignoring their calls and texts, you have to unfollow or defriend them. And for some reason *that* makes you seem/feel a lot worse. There is something so aggressive and hostile about unfollowing or defriending someone. Why is that? Why does it seem worse to unfollow someone than it does to ignore them/talk mad shiz behind their back??

Because social media has completely warped our way of thinking. Say you have a “friend” on Facebook you haven’t spoken to in 10 years. Not a wall message, not a poke, no communication whatsoever. So, you decide to un-friend them. Now, all of a sudden you’re a jerk. You’ve instantly become an evil troll who doesn’t deserve to have friends to unfriend in the first place. In short, people get pissed. There is something so inherently hostile about unfriending or unfollowing someone that people tend to react extremely. That is, if they even notice. There is always a chance they won’t notice. Nevertheless they always notice. There is even a Twitter app that will tell you who has unfollowed you that week. Way to be a narc Twitter. That’s not cool. And once they know, you become a social media pariah. But what’s the point of social media if you don’t even like the people you follow or are friends with on Facebook. Why engage at all if it’s just going add unnecessary drama to your life? If social media is about connecting with people you like or might like, then why is it so unacceptable to unfollow or defriend people you don’t or won’t like?  Why do I feel worse about unfollowing someone then I do for not talking to them anymore? What’s the big deal? Does social media rule our lives? What’s it all about????

Do you unfriend or unfollow?

So many questions……my brain hurts.

Catching The Bouquet Is Ridiculous

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bridal bouquet

INCOMING!!!!!

Towards the end of a wedding, the bride usually turns around and tosses her bouquet at all the single gals attending her wedding, whoever catches it is supposedly the next to get married. They do this at most weddings. It’s always ridiculous.

First of all, all the single girls get, for lack of a better word, “singled” out and are asked to gather their single selves in some location where everyone else at the wedding can gawk at them and remark under their breathes about how unfortunate it is that these girls are single. It’s mortifying, even if you’re happily single, it’s mortifying. Since it’s release Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” has become the siren call to single girls at weddings that it’s time for them to gather and be gawked at. And I like that song, but weddings have ruined it a bit for me.

Once the gals are gathered the bride turns her back to them (effectively shunning her single friends by literally turning her back on them- they’re on their own now…) and then launches her bridal bouquet in the air. At this point, the bridal bouquet is the last chance any of these single girls has for romantic happiness. Naturally, since their entire romantic future rests on the trajectory of that bouquet, ladies get a little vicious. I’m talking shoving, pushing, pinching, tackling, wrestling, and scratching. It happens. These lovely ladies are willing to suffer all kinds of wardrobe malfunctions and physical injury in order to get that bouquet. Finally, after much tussling and general ridiculousness, one woman emerges victorious and the smile on her face let’s you know how overjoyed she is that shortly, she too, will be able to turn her back on her single friends and throw a bunch of flowers in their faces. Basically, it’s The Hunger Games of weddings, except no one dies (unless you count their souls because plenty of those die).

I hate the bouquet toss. Hate. It. Usually, I don’t even participate because I sure as hell didn’t get all dressed up and prettified just so some single bridesmaid could scratch my arm and mess up my hair in an effort to end her single woes. Occasionally, I am forced into it and in those cases, I don’t even look. I keep my eyes firmly on the ground, that way, the bouquet will literally have to hit me in the head to get my attention. I refuse to even look at it. Why? Because that bunch of tightly wrapped flowers doesn’t own me or my romantic future. It’s my way of silently saying “This is some bullshit y’all”.

If you’re not convinced that the bouquet toss is ridiculous, then allow me explain further how awkward this is by talking about every scenario possible.

1. You’re single and you catch the bouquet. So what? You’re supposed to meet someone now? It’s going to magically happen because the bundle of roses and lilies declared it so? Nope. But even the most logical amongst you are going to give some credence to these thoughts. Every guy you meet for the next few months might be the man the bouquet fortold of! And maybe he is, I can’t tell the future, but probably he isn’t. And then you’re disappointed and the bridal bouquet has won.

2. You’re in a relationship and you catch the bouquet. Wowza. Talk about pressure. All of the sudden, everything is going to get real serious yo. Instead of enjoying the relationship, you’re going to start focusing on the future and wondering when he’s finally going to pop the question. You’re going to expect him to. And maybe he should, maybe it’s time for that, maybe you’ve already discussed it with him, but probably not. And then you’re disappointed and the bridal bouquet has won.

3. You’re single and you don’t catch the bouquet. I hope those panty-hose have plenty of room because you are about to hit that wedding cake pretty hard. Again, the bridal bouquet has won.

4. You’re in a relationship and you don’t catch the bouquet. Is he the wrong guy!? Why didn’t the bouquet choose you!? What does it all mean??!! You’re about to take a trip down worry road which leads all the way to over-analyzation-ville. Also, the road is not paved and has lots of potholes. Enjoy. The bridal bouquet wins again!

I mean, I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say it again but, catching the bouquet is ridiculous. Ya with me?

Really?! A Slutty Skunk?

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Slutty Skunk

I bet she stinks.

What fresh hell is this? A slutty skunk? Really? That’s what you wanted to be for halloween? In all the world, your heart’s greatest desire was to pay $250 for a costume that makes you resemble a skunk prostitute? Ok. Fine.

Listen. I have absolutely no problem with you wanting to dress a bit more daring, even rique if you so choose and you’re an adult attending an adult function (Please, please, no more slutty skunks at kid centric events). Really, I get it. It’s kind of fun to let your wild side have a night out and halloween presents an excellent opportunity for it. I say go for it. If dressing up in a sexy costume and going out in public makes you feel carefree and beautiful, I have no problem with it. None at all. Other than these.

1. It’s October. Aren’t you cold?

2. Why are the only costumes available to women of the skank variety?

3. Animals. As my darling and ever pithy friend Mary put it “It’s taking anthropomorphism to a very bad place.”

Skunks stink. For reals. They are known for being stinky. What is sexy about that? Ok- I guess a case can be made for Pepe Le Pew being kind of sexy, I mean, he was pretty darn romantic and always looks like he’s wearing a tuxedo, but he is clearly the skunk exception and not the rule.

Pepe Le Pew

 

I simply can’t imagine what was going on in the brains of the ladies who chose to be a slutty skunk for halloween. Or can I?

What was going on in the head of this year’s batch of slutty skunks according to my imagination.

Finally, a costume that allows me to use the line “Let me put my stink on you.” without seeming gross and bizarre. 

This is the best costume ever-  I don’t even have to shower!

I can’t wait to hear all the bestiality jokes this costume will inspire!

With this costume, I’ll never have to apologize for farting. It’s totally implied and expected. 

If there is one thing the fellas like, it’s a girl dressed as a skunk. 

Am I taking crazy pills or are sexy animal costumes completely ridiculous??? As a point of reference, I was Zelda Fitzgerald for halloween.

The Spice Girls Principle

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The Spice Girls

Fellas, I’m about to lay some epic knowledge on you. This knowledge will change the game when it comes to your romantic conquests. You’re welcome. And by “welcome” I mean, welcome to send me cash and/or original poems written about my awesomeness.

So, I’m out at a bar for my friend’s bachelorette party dancing it up and singing all the lyrics to the stellar 70′s music the band was covering. I was partying like it was 1999 – for real, because much like when I was 14, I was dancing awkwardly and not drinking. Seriously people, try not to be jealous of my life. So, I’m dancing and singing with my lady friends when a cute guy walks up to my friend, puts his arm around her, and offers to buy us all shots. This is a classic move and one that I believe has an 87% success rate. But, we weren’t there to find ourselves a foxy man, we were there to celebrate the fact that one of our dearest friends had found herself a forever man, so, my friend says “If you’re going to buy anyone a shot, you should buy our friend over there a shot, she’s the one getting married.” He smiles politely, says “Sure thing.” and walks away. But he didn’t buy her a shot and by not doing that, he effectively lost his shot with any of the rest of us.

Why? You may be wondering. Or, you may be wondering why. The reason that cute guy lost his shot with all of us is because he ignored one of the fundamental principles of girls my age. And there is really no excuse for it because it’s stated quite clearly in a very popular song: “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” I like to refer to this principle of dating as The Spice Girls Principle. Gentlemen, learn from this poor fellow- had he actually purchased our friend a shot in honor of her impending marriage, then my friends and I would have been more than happy to allow him to purchase us alcohol and he would have had his pick of the lot of us. Truth. Guys- we ladies like it when you show kindness and respect to our friends. Really. I mean, make it clear that you’re only romantically interested in us, but be friendly with our friends. If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Ya dig?

Zigazig ha. Zigazig ha, indeed.

I Shouldn’t Be This Excited By A Movie About Muppets.

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I’m just going to jump right in and hopefully not jump the shark. (Poor Fonzie, I thought that was an awesome trick).

I am so STOKED for the new Muppets movie. Truly. I’ve always loved the Muppets and have seen all their adventures many a time, now my one of my favorite people, Jason Segel, wrote and is starring in the new Muppet movie. My favorite plush actors and my favorite people actor are coming together. I. AM. STOKED. STOKED. Although, to be clear, I’ve never met Jason Segel so I don’t really know him, but everything I know about him assures me that if I knew him, he would be one of my favorite people.

Not only does this movie look muppety and hilarious but the soundtrack sounds AMAZING. (You may think that I’m using a lot of uppercase letters, but I assure you, I’m holding myself back quite a bit.) Ok Go, Weezer, Alkaline Trio, My Morning Jacket, Amy Lee, Andrew Bird, and Matt Nathanson just to name a few. If this doesn’t sound awesome to you, then watch this:

 

Huh? Huh? You see what I mean? It’s brilliant. Completely brilliant. If the movie is anything like this, and I believe it will be, then I am going to be over the moon come November. Also, did I mention Jason Segel wrote and is starring in this? Because he is. And he may be my soulmate. Or you know, whatever. Also, Kermit and Miss Piggy and Animal and Fozzie Bear. Fozzie Bear y’all- he’s like my comedy idol. Wonka Wonka. Ne’er were truer words spoken.

Any movie you guys are excited to see in the next few months?

I’m Trying To Stay Relevant Y’all.

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Disco

Rest in peace, little buddy.

So, I heard a comedian talking about how the only way to get famous and stay famous for being funny was to be relevant. All the time. But since things are always changing (stupid things and their changing ways) it’s hard to stay relevant because relevant is always changing. Comedy is hard.

I really took his advice to heart even though I don’t want to be famous, I only want to sell millions and millions of books, and go on late-night talk shows, and date a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band, and stay at luxurious places, and be recognized by “regulars” while I’m out shopping for more huge sunglasses to hide my face so “regulars” don’t notice me out in public. Oh, and also I would really like to do something good for the world too. So, you see, my aspirations aren’t to be famous, but I still think it’s important that I stay relevant or people won’t think I’m funny anymore and then I’m going to have to grow-up and stop blogging about imaginary conversations.

I need you guys to read some of my new material and tell me if it’s relevant. Be honest. But also be really nice and maybe if you don’t like my jokes tell me I’m pretty or something because that might also get me a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band. And a 1 and a 2 and a……

Mel Gibson. Anyone heard what’s going on with this guy lately? Yeah, I heard he is playing Braveheart aka William Wallace. Yeah, I know. As if that guy could ever pull off the proper Scottish accent. William Wallace was one of Scotland’s greatest heros and you want the guy from Mad Max who can’t decide whether he speaks with an American or Australian accent to play him in a movie? That’s crazy yo! Am I right? I’m totally right.

Politics. High oil prices, terrible economy, political scandal, foreign wars, immigration arguments- what is this the 1970′s?!! (Insert historical appreciation laugh here). I do miss disco though, for real. (Pause in respect of a dead dance craze).

Cell phones. Whaaaaaaat?! A phone that you can take with you anywhere? Who do you think I am, Zack Morris?

Dating Shows. Have you seen this new show called The Bachelor? Yeah, apparently, some guy goes on TV and 25 insane but attractive females try to win flowers from him. Also, they hook up. I give it one season. Who cares about this guys bizarre dating life? Not me, buddy. I’ll always choose to watch Friends- now there is a show that won’t ever end. Am I right? I’m totally right. (At this point I raise my hands and do the woot-woot thing, it’s quite a crowd pleaser).

Low-carb diets. Y’all heard about low-carb diets? Aww man, it’s some bull. People on these low-card diets aren’t supposed to eat bread and shiz. Like, not even pasta or tortillas. And I’m like, what did bread ever do to you? Y’all be hating on bread because it’s delicious. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. (This works here right?)

I mean, what’s more relevant than famous actors who everyone loves, politics of the 1970′s, new technology, television, and fad diets? I couldn’t be more relevant. I’m totally getting myself a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band for a boyfriend this year. That’s what relevance earns you- so study hard kids and always watch Saved by the Bell and you too could earn yourself a bass player from a rock and roll band.

A Year In Books

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They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children

Last week, I read They Fight Like Soldiers They Die Like Children by Romeo Dallaire and it might be one of the most upsetting, powerful, heartbreaking, but necessary books I’ve ever read. It’s about the reality of child soldiers- how they are kidnapped, beaten, drugged, raped, forced to kill and maim, all in the name of whatever fighting group they were abducted by. Not for justice. Not for revolution. Instead these soldiers (or guerillas or rebels) kidnap children to fight their battles in the name of cowardice and self-preservation and hatred. And nobody is talking about it. Nobody. It is one of the greatest human rights abuses in the world currently and very little if anything is being done to rectify it and almost nothing is being done to protect these children.

That’s where Dallaire comes in. As a Canadian General working for the United Nations, he witnessed the genocide in Rwanda first hand- including the parts child soldiers played in the massacres. Witnessing that left a permanent mark on Dallaire and since leaving the military he has conducted research at the Carr Center for Human Rights and started his own NGO called CSI (Child Soldier Initiative). And he and his colleagues seem to be the only ones actively searching for prevention, resolution, and rehabilitation for child soldiers.

I have a deep passion for human rights and have read countless memoirs, accounts, and research papers regarding child soldiers. Until, reading They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children I had never felt that anyone had any kind of reasonable solution to the problem. It was a lot of “We have to stop this.” and I agreed, but how? Dallaire attempts, most successfully in my opinion, to create a solution. He suggests the militaries of the world and NGOs cooperate with one another. Which may seem obvious to you, but trust me, as a former volunteer for an East African NGO- it’s revolutionary. Military personnel have the unfortunate obligation of being the ones to enter combat against child soldiers, unwillingly of course, and with great regret. However, their mission is usually to protect as many people as they can and that often is at odds with the rebel militias mission to kill, maim, steal, and massacre as many people as possible. NGOs are responsible for the medical care, social rehabilitation, clean water, food, and many other things that you and I take for granted. Dallaire asserts that pulling on experience from both the combat (military) and social (NGO) sides of conflict is the only way to handle the present child soldier dilema, and the only way to prevent child soldiers from ever being used in war again. He’s realistic- he understands that it will take a lot for the military and NGOs to find cohesion and he understands that even if they are able to create a cohesive plan that it might take decades to truly eradicate the use of child soldiers. He has, what I see as, the best and really the only plan. And we need to listen and help.

Dallaire talks much about the roadblocks he faces, shortage of donations (keep in mind it takes consistent donations to keep a mission like this in operation), bureaucratic red tape, and political nonsense, are his largest obstacles and take up a lot of his time trying to resolve. And, quite frankly, these obstacles are nearly insurmountable. And yet, Dallaire and his colleagues persevere – they meet every challenge straight on and with a passion and hope that I find almost miraculous and certainly inspiring. They aren’t giving up on these kids (and believe me, when I say kids, I mean kids- children as young as 6 are being used as weapons in wars around the globe) and they aren’t giving up on trying to protect future generations of children from living in fear of being turned into expendable killing machines.

This book can be difficult to read at times, it’s upsetting and heartbreaking, but I also feel like I had to read it- and I’m so glad I did. I feel like I have such a better understanding of why, how, and where this happens and how I can help. Dallaire seems to be the only one out there giving this issue a lot of thought and time and his ideas about how to handle child soldiers on and off the field of combat are the best ones I’ve heard. I know it’s a heavy subject, but I really encourage you to read this book and think about these children. And, if you’re so inclined, you can donate to CSI here.

I know this was a really serious post- I promise I’ll be funny again tomorrow. Y’all reading any good books?