As you all know, I was very ill last week and when people are ill they sometimes do things they don’t usually do. For me, that’s read gossip magazines. Here are my immediate reactions to some of the headlines.
“Prince Harry Has A Crush On Jennifer Lawrence.”
Yes. He does. Because he’s a human person with a people heart. If you don’t have a crush on her, you’re a robot. That’s science.
“New Director Chosen For Jurassic Park 4.”
I literally choked on my jello.
“Veronica Mars Movie- Kickstarter”
I had no voice, so I couldn’t scream but if I could have, I would have. What I did instead was donate and now they are making the movie and now, now, I will have Veronica and Logan CLOSURE.
“Justin Bieber Blasts Lindsay Lohan On Instagram”
I fell asleep halfway through reading this, it was like “Justin Bieber…ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
“Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Call Off Wedding”
Liam backwards is mail. I need to check my mail.
Anyway, it was a slow week.
Y’all, Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs has developed multiple perfume oils based on the The Fraggles. FOR REALLY REAL. There are 8 fragrances and they all sound delightful but who am I kidding I would buy these even if they smelled like rotting plants, which they don’t, they smell like Fraggles and happiness and dreams coming true.
Personally, I’ve got the Boober perfume oil on order because I like fresh smelling things but also because when I was younger I thought saying “Boober” was hilarious and so I always liked him. Boober.
Go to this website immediately and order your Fraggle perfume oil because DREAMS COME TRUE Y’ALL. http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/fragglerock.html
Who would you fangirl over?
This was the question passed around the table at my bachelorette party last Friday night. (Which, side note, was supremely awesome). And while we agreed on a lot of the answers, everyone of us had a different first answer, which I happen to think is a testament to the independent, bright, free-thinking women I call my friends. Yay me! Anyway, it made me wonder who you, my most beloved and ever-clever readers would fangirl over?
For blogging purposes, a fangirl can be a boy or a girl and basically just means who would you be overwhelmed to meet? Personally, I take it to mean anyone who would cause me to cry from the excitement of being near to them, but you can take it how you like. I’m not a definition dictator.
My top three are:
1. Bette Midler
2. Steve Martin
3. Alan Alda
Now, it’s your turn to answer. Who would you fangirl over?
So, for a couple of years now I’ve been on the precipice of doomsday prepping. Nothing too extreme, just some survival packs with necessary supplies and a lot of can-do attitude. I mean, I think it’s crucial to enter the apocalypse (be it zombie or otherwise) with a positive and optimistic attitude. This is why everyone wants me to be on their apocalypse team- everyone likes (i.e. won’t murder in a hunger games-type scenario) someone with a friendly smile and humorous outlook on life. Also, I can can cook really well over an open flame. So, I have that going for me.
Pretty much the only thing stopping me from going full-out doomsday prepper is a lack of funds. And by “lack of funds” I mean, Captain Thoughtful doesn’t take the apocalypse as seriously as I do and therefore thinks spending lots of money on it is wasteful. I’m glad I put my kits together before we met. He is going to rue not letting me buy an axe when we need to chop wood to keep warm. (Just kidding, I would never buy an axe, what I really asked for was a robot to chop our wood for us) However, I found something yesterday that we have to have. For our survival. Because I care about taking care of us.
It fills up in your bathtub so you have non-contaminated drinking water when the faucets start spewing blood and sewage. This is the most practical thing ever. I’m adding it to my Christmas wish-list immediately. I mean, who could say no to such a practical not to mention life-saving gift?
Long story short, my doomsday prepping-adjacent behavior is going to save my life and lives of those I love (and people I choose to be on my apocalypse team – applications now accepted). You’re welcome family and friends. You should probably all buy me dinner or something to say thank you. It’s like, the very least you could do. I mean, since I will be saving your life and all.
You guys. All of your favorite nursery rhymes are about drugs. Think about it. Except you don’t have to really think about it because I did all thinking for you. You’re welcome.
- Mary didn’t have a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow- that was just code for Mary had a little drug mule who was carting uncut cocaine.
- Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall, get it? Up high? He was high. And then he fell and his life was in pieces. It’s a cautionary tale. Don’t do drugs.
- The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout? There is a drug called water. This one is too easy.
I think this is what happens when you’re watching TV because you can’t sleep and what you’re watching is a documentary about drugs, and then you fall asleep and wake up with this written in the notebook you keep next to your bed. I think.
Today, I saw a car parked downtown with women’s underwear on the dashboard. They were red. My first thought was “But why?” and my second thought was “Probably better not to ask too many questions.”
I also saw a woman walking a pig, with a leash and everything. But, she didn’t have any of the bags you’re supposed to pick up your animals poop with and I think that’s just poor citizenship. Also, can we just revisit the fact she was walking a *pig* in downtown Austin?
After careful thought about both these things I saw today, I came to a conclusion, which is, some people take “Keep Austin Weird” a little too seriously. I appreciate the effort but I think it would be better to just support local businesses. Or, you know, just keep doing the underwear and pig thing. Who am I to judge? I got caught looking at myself in the reflection of a window by a bunch of well dressed investment bankers today, so I guess we all have our quirks.
Whoa. Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson? Wait….nope…I don’t care. Silly internets trying to pull me into celebrity gossip.
Uh-oh, there are pictures of Kristen Stewart cheating???! Doesn’t homegirl know there are cameras everywhere? I gotta see this….no. No, I don’t. It has zero effect on my life and is totally not my business and should be disregarded. But what does this mean for Bella and Edward? Will Stephanie Meyer re-write the ending to the Twilight series?
The Kristen Stewart cheating scandal is on the news…..that means I should totally read everything about it! (And then I read all about it and came away feeling really pissed for the wife and kids of the director she cheated with. Why don’t people ever think of the wife and kids (or husband and kids as the case may be)? Then I had to eat a bunch of chocolate to cure my case of the sads.
Kristen issued an apology. It’s very emotional. Yeah…no. I feel like she needs to apologize to the wife and kids and not just Robert, although of course, he deserves lots of apologies as well. Man, all the promo for the last Twilight is going to be so awkward…like way more awkward than it already was. And it was super awkward to begin with.WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?! I could be solving the world’s problems, or making people laugh, or both at the same time!
Yeah. I’m done reading about this. It is literally none of my business. But still…I thought Jodie Foster would have taught her better.
You know how when you’re in a restroom with several stalls and someone in the stall next to you is obviously texting because you can hear the clicking on their phone? I find that oppressive.
It’s like, “Hey lady (you know, because I’m usually in the ladies room) stop texting! Do your business and be gone with you!” What is so important that it can’t wait 2-15 minutes (depending on what exactly your bathroom business is)? Nothing. Nothing is that important. It’s one thing if you want to text and poop at home, I’m not trying to make windows into your soul (shout out to my girl Elizabeth I), you’re more than welcome to do whatever you want in your own bathroom. But here, in this public or office restroom, it’s weird for you to have your phone with you.
Why? Well, for one thing, I get super pee shy and when I can hear you texting in the stall next to me it makes me even more shy because I assume that you’re texting about me and my bodily functions. Like “Hey. Some girl just went into the stall next to me. I bet she’s going to poop. Haha.” And for the record, I wasn’t going to poop because I only poop in the office restroom if no one else is in there. That’s just good manners. They taught me that in cotillion. Or maybe you’re texting something like “Whoa. This girl just went into the stall next to me and started peeing like a racehorse. Ick. Eat asparagus much? LOL.” And yeah, I do eat lots of asparagus because it’s super healthy and will probably prevent armpit cancer and maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on my pee at all you Nosey Noserson.
Logically, I realize people probably aren’t live tweeting about my pee. That’s just my pee shyness talking. But if they aren’t live tweeting my pee, then there is only one thing they can be doing with their phone in the bathroom stall and that’s taking pictures of their poop and sending it to friends and family. Listen- I’m not here to judge anyone, but it’s probably best if you take poop photos at home, don’t you think? I mean, at the very least I’m sure the lighting is better.
The worst part is the awkward eye contact when we’re both at the sink washing our hands. I know what you did, you know what you did, but we can’t talk about it, so I make some comments about zombie ants and killer jellyfish and you can’t even respond because you feel so guilty about live tweeting my bodily functions and taking pictures of your poop. Let’s put an end to this cycle. Please, please stop bringing your phone into the bathroom stall with you. Or, at least, stop texting when someone is in the stall next to you. That way, when we’re at the sinks we can have nice conversations about interesting nature anomalies.
It has become apparent to me that I internalize the fiction I read and love. The thought suddenly struck me when I noticed a wasps nest outside my apartment door and my very first thought was “Shit. I hope those aren’t tracker jackers.” Which, of course, are genetically mutated wasps that are featured in The Hunger Games. This forced me to consider other things I think and do that are clear indications I’m perhaps getting a little too into the books I love.
I always explore (lock myself into) any wardrobe I’ll fit in.
When I’m scared of something, I attempt to cast a Riddikulus spell at it. Please note, this failed miserably against the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.
I think about the things I can carry in my purse that would allow me to survive in desert island situation.
I frequently speak to or at least around trees just in case they turn out to be ents.
I’ve spent a significant amount of time thinking about which class I would most excel in at Hogwarts. (It’s charms)
I would very much like to own a mockingjay pin- just so people know where I stand.
The good news is that I’m quite prepared to live in a dystopian society wherein young wizards are sent into an arena to magically duel to the death but also may get spirited away to a happier, although not always peaceful world, if they stumble into the right furniture or cave and maybe if they make the trees in the arena angry enough they will come to their aid and fight for the good of all mankind. I’m totally prepared for that world.
I’ve been a card carrying grown-up for a few years now and I have to say that I haven’t been all that impressed by it, at least I wasn’t until Sunday. This year was the first year I went to a Super Bowl where everyone there was my age and also (at least) semi-grown ups. It was spectacular. Grown-up Super Bowl parties are so much better. Here are some of the highlights
1. The food.
Oh my heavens the food! There were exotic cheeses, Chinese fusion barbeque ribs, dips the likes of which I had never seen but had expensive ingredients, homemade clam chowder, whole wheat chips, winter vegetable salads, and all manner of homemade desserts. It was decadence. I remember Super Bowl parties in college that were considered “fancy” because they put the store bought dip in bowls.
2. The beer.
I’ve never seen so many varied beers/porters/ales and they come in such pretty bottles and almost all are special issue. Special issue y’all. This was some highfalutin beer and I liked it. (Or at least I liked the dark ones, I’m not much of a pale ale fan) Compare this to the Keystone Light that was a staple at every college Super Bowl party and I believe grown-up Super Bowl parties assert their domination again.
3. The people.
Dude. Grown-ups are fun. Like, really fun. I had a blast and also I definitely felt like the conversations and humor were a bit elevated. Or, you know, it seemed that way because it was coming from grown-ups. Whatever, it was uber-fun. (Uber seems like something a grown-up would say, right?)
In conclusion, being a grown-up isn’t all bad especially if it means you eat and drink and laugh like this most of the time. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m ok with being a grown-up, if only during the Super Bowl.